Inside: raising teenagers is hard and we need support more than ever. But where did it go?
Moms of tweens and teens, let me ask you a question.
If parenting takes a village, why do I feel like I’m on an island?
When my kids were little, I coveted playdates and trips to the park because I might have the chance to interact with another adult — really any person who I didn’t have to change their diaper.
When they started school, it was so easy to make friends with other parents at class parties or assemblies or the pick-up line. We chatted as we watched a soccer practice or attended a girl scout event or a dance recital. I felt like I knew the names of most of the kids and the familiar faces of their parents.
We used to talk about sleep strategies, healthy eating and discipline. We would exchange recipes and recommend doctors. We shared.
And It used to be so much easier enforcing my rules. No, I’m not buying you Lunchables because I’d prefer if you had something else. No, you can’t stay up to midnight like your friend because our rules are different. No, you can’t watch another episode of whatever Disney show you are obsessed with because it makes me want to put pins in my eyes. Easy decisions, easy parenting.
And then middle school comes along, and Bam!
It’s lonely raising teenagers, and I didn’t expect that.
The connections are gone.
I no longer meet parents at drop off line or kids at holiday concerts. Back to School Night is a flurry of running from classroom to classroom and orchestra concerts involves me arriving 30 minutes early just to save seats for my immediate family. The communication between parents is minimum.
But the irony is, parents, I need you more now than I did back then.
We need to be connected. Our kids are depending on it.
There are parties where I don’t know the parents, and kids with more independence and access to technology that is unfathomable to my overworked brain.
There is so much information out there. It is tough to sift through it all and know what’s not a big deal and what could actually be a serious threat to my child.
Raising teenagers is hard. We need to talk, more not less.
I know your rules are most likely different than mine, and that’s okay. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be looking out for each other or our kids.
We need to share if we see suspicious behavior or a dangerous text message. We need to be aware of the latest apps or Internet dare. We need to discuss drugs in our schools and teen depression and sexual assault.
We have created a culture of non-interference when it comes to raising our tweens/teens. “Let them work it out,” we say. When someone approaches us about our kids, we put the defenses up.
“How dare they?” we ask. “Don’t judge me,” we say.
I get it.
We need to let our kids figure out their relationships. We need to let them fail. Kids will grow up into more successful adults if they learn to manage their own problems.
But the dangers teens face today are so much bigger
Our tweens and teens are growing up in a totally different world than we did.
My mom never worried that I might send a naked photo of myself to a stranger or that a roofie would be put in my soda at a party or that someone was taking cell phone pictures of me in a girl’s locker room.
And while the responsibility is mine to try and raise my kids into productive members of society, sometimes we still need help.
Sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know.
So, just like I tell my kids, if you see something, say something. It may be awkward and it may not be immediately well received, but it can make a difference, it could save a life.
If you have knowledge about dangerous behavior going around school, I want to know.
If you are aware of something that could affect the well-being of my child, I want to know.
If my kid is the one being dangerous, I want to know.
Send me a text or email, leave a note on my car, or do the unthinkable and pick up the phone.
But, parents of older kids, please stay in my village. It’s a scary world out there, and we need each other.
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How do you gather your village. When my son hit sixth grade suddenly other sixth grade parents started backing off into their own world and nobody wanted to discuss the reality of raising a teen. Suddenly everybody’s answer when you ask how their kid is doing is, Great! Wonderful!
But everyone is hiding from each other. How do we get real and reconnect?
Hey Brenda- It does get harder at this age. The problems get bigger and parents become hesitant to talk about the issues, both out of uncertainty and because they feel the need to protect their child’s privacy more. It can take more effort to find a tribe since there aren’t all the get togethers like there were when our kiddos were little, but here are a few suggestions: If you’re a member of a church group or have a church you’ve thought about attending, many have special groups just for teen parents. You could try hosting a book club or a monthly dinner get together for other moms of teens where people might be more willing to open up. There’s also lots of online FB groups for parents of teens and tweens, in fact we’re going to start one ourselves if you give us just a few more weeks. 🙂
Do your kids not play sports or anything? I have 4 boys, the oldest is in high school, and I spend way too much time with other parents watching the kids play football or wrestle or volunteering for their class. I can’t understand how you are not connecting with other parents unless your kid isn’t in any extra curricular activities. Not to mention social media?
I also have four kids and do sports and extra-curriculars yet experience the same as the author. Typically one parent is dropping off and another is picking up or maybe they bring Grandma and talk the whole game. There are no more team fundraisers. COVID did away with awards nights and pizza parties. The school asks us to stay in our cars while we drive through the pickup line and the seats at school events are ticketed so gone are the days of spontaneously sitting with friends. Once you hit middle school there are no classroom volunteers and instead of parent committees they ask for parent donations and hire out the help/food/decorations. It’s a huge challenge to connect and now texting means parents rarely even come to the door since they can grab Tommy quite literally from the curb.
I LOVE this article! I have referenced it so many times. I felt the exact same way. Thank you for sharing it. On my lonely little island at the time, I didn’t feel quite so alone ❤️
I think most teens do stuff they shouldn’t and as parents we don’t talk to anyone about it because we don’t want to be judged. I have one really good friend who knows all my business (and I know hers). I’d recommend trying hard to make that friend.