This is a contributed post by Jen Shoemaker Davidson, author of Keep Talking: Conversations with Our Kids When They Want Us Least but Need Us Most.
This is for all the parents who feel like their teen is slipping away.
Not in a crisis kind of way. Just in that quiet ache that hits when you pass by their closed door and realize you don’t know what’s going on in there anymore. You used to know everything—their favorite food, their biggest fear, what made them laugh. Now you just feel out of touch.
You try to talk to them. You ask questions. You crack jokes. Nothing lands.
They grunt. They shrug. They say “fine” and vanish.
And you’re left wondering, did I miss something? Push too hard? Do they even notice I’m trying?
Teens don’t pull away because they don’t need us. They’re just trying to figure out how much of themselves they can safely show without getting a lecture or being misunderstood.
So they stay quiet.
When I Felt the Gap Growing
There was a point where everything with my kids started feeling… transactional.
“Did you get your homework done?”
“Can you please put your clothes away.”
“Dinner’s ready, come downstairs.”
That was the rhythm of our days. Quick commands. One-word answers. Sometimes not even that, just a shrug or a look that said, I can’t be bothered.
And honestly? I could feel it. They felt watched. Managed. Like every check-in was another reminder that I was hovering too close.
I could feel the distance growing.
It’s hard not to take that rejection personally. And it’s really hard not to just give up.
But this is precisely when we need to dig in deeper.
I knew something had to shift—not in them, but in me.
Related: 25 Interesting Questions That Will Get Your Teen Talking
When I Finally Lowered the Stakes
The “How was school?’ questions weren’t working. The serious sit-downs felt like monologues. They had essentially tuned me out.
I needed a way to reach my kids that didn’t put pressure on them.
So I stopped trying to have the “big talk” and told myself, just keep talking. Because kids can smell it when we’re digging in their business. They shut down.
All it ever got me were one-word answers and zero eye contact anyway.
I went back to basics. How do I connect with every other person in my life? Storytelling. Conversation. Just being curious.
I wanted them to relax. No hidden agenda. No trap. Just talking.
I Started Telling My Own Stories Instead
Keeping the conversation going was easy for me because I talk. A lot.
I started telling stories from my childhood, my teen years. I admitted mistakes. Shared how choices I made directed my path in life. Invited them into things I’ve learned along the way.
And it worked. They were engaged. They asked questions. I answered.
One day I told my daughter about the time, when I was fourteen, that I lied to my parents about where I was going. My mom dropped me at the movies with some friends. We waited until she drove away, then crossed the street and took the bus downtown. We wanted an adventure, but if anything had happened to us, she would have only looked as far as the theater.
My daughter looked up. She wanted to hear more. That’s when I knew storytelling was going to be my in.
When my kids seemed to lose interest, got up from the table, left the car, or went about their day? I let them and I considered it a win.
Little by little, I was building trust. I wasn’t afraid to give them glimpses into who I was at their age and who I am today.
So much of our history can be shared through storytelling. But we’re talking less to our kids now. Conversations are too often replaced by scrolling, replaced by the feeling that no one cares.
If we don’t share our stories, they’ll be forgotten. Our words matter. We cannot underestimate our value.
Related: The Surprising Way to Get Your Teen to Be Honest With You
How I Got My Kids To Actually Hear Me
When my daughter started her senior year in high school, I was making mental checklists of all the things I wanted her to know before she was out on her own.
I knew I needed her to hear what I had to say, whether she liked it or not.
But I also knew the “let’s sit down, I want to talk to you” approach would be a total fail.
So I came up with something different. I took my kids out to lunch, one-on-one, and I was honest with them. I told them I had some topics I wanted to cover, and these were non-negotiables for me.
Each outing, I’d talk and they didn’t have to talk back, but they had to listen. No phones. No escaping. Just food I knew they liked and undivided attention.
And honestly, they didn’t even fight me on it.
At one of our first lunches, I told my daughter I wanted to talk about what comes after high school. I was honest. Finishing high school doesn’t mean you have to know what you want to do with your life. I wanted her to focus on her academics, but I also wanted her to pay attention to what she’s passionate about and let that be her guide. Because here’s the thing: we change careers. Life paths aren’t linear. I’ve changed direction more times than I can count. She didn’t have to have it all figured out. I wanted her to stay curious.
The pressure was off. They could take what I had to say and file it away, and maybe, just maybe, one day when they were in a tough situation, a tiny voice would remind them of what we talked about.
That repeatable practice of intentional time set aside just for us? That’s how “Life Lesson Lunches” was born.
I wanted them to know I would show up, time and time again, even when it was hard. And it became a tried-and-true way to get through to them that opened them up in ways I never thought possible.
Just Being There Is Enough
We know our teens are convinced they already know everything. Mine included.
But what you might find is this: the more you make talking to your kids a priority, the more openings you’ll find to guide them along. You’re proving you’re available. You’re present. And when something comes up, they know you’re a trusted resource.
Even if no one’s talking, your presence still matters.
You don’t need the right words. You don’t need a fix. Just being there is enough.
And one day? They start to lean in.
Not perfectly. Not all at once. But maybe they wander into the kitchen and start talking about a friend who’s struggling, or a class that’s wearing them down.
And in that small, ordinary moment, you realize it worked.
The Work Is Worth It
Parenting teenagers is hard. It’s humbling. My heart has felt both completely full and utterly empty at the same time.
But if you can let go of trying to get through the talk and instead just keep talking, you’ll build something that lasts long after the hardest moments have come and gone.
So tonight, start small.
Tell a story. Make a joke. A passing comment that says, I see you.
That’s how connection begins, again and again.
You haven’t lost them. You’re both just learning a new way to find each other.
They still need you. Even if they’ll never say it out loud.
And when they do come back, and they will, the relationship you’ve built through all those small moments will be stronger than you ever imagined.
This is a contributed post by Jen Shoemaker Davidson, author of Keep Talking: Conversations with Our Kids When They Want Us Least but Need Us Most.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. Here are some posts that might help:
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20 Brilliant Non-Tech Gifts for Teens to Get Them Off Their Screens
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