I picked you up from school an hour later so you could stay to make up a test.  As soon as I saw you, I knew. You looked utterly defeated as you walked toward the car with sunken shoulders and your head hanging down.

It seemed as if the weight of the world had collapsed right on top of you.

An out of town competitive swim meet had meant missing school and having three tests to make up upon your return.You worked so hard getting caught back up and preparing for these make-up exams. Especially in one class- a college credit course with concepts that are exceptionally difficult for a 15-year-old to master.

When you got into the car you told me you didn’t do well on the test. You had studied for hours and you felt prepared. The the test was just too hard.

You are in all honors classes and it feels like a mountain summit you can never reach.

The layout of this academic climb demands so much of you. So much that I worry you are wearing yourself down with all the overwhelming expectations of today’s academic culture.

It’s simply too much.

And my heart breaks into tiny pieces as I watch you try so hard to reach the top, only to tumble down and fall- buried in a heap of failure.

When I was your age, it was all so much simpler.

I don’t think I would survive under the pressures you are facing. I am amazed by your determination and perseverence while simultaneously appalled by the standards set for our students these days.

I want to make things easier for you, more realistic and attainable for your young age- but I can’t.  This is the reality of our modern high school landscape, full of mountains where the grueling trek uphill for our kids never ends.

I watch in awe as you traverse through this treacherous terrain with grit and strength and stamina. But I know it’s wearing you down. I worry all this stress is the new normal for kids your age and that’s simply not right. You are a fifteen-year-old living a life that would be too much for most adults, despite still being a child.

The competition for college admissions is fierce.  You have to fight your way in through those doors with the highest GPA and several college courses already under your belt along with a remarkable SAT/ACT test score. The pressure is palpable and there’s no way around it. But you accept this all without complaint, because you have BIG dreams and this is just what needs to be done to achieve them.

You amaze me with such steadfast focus and extraordinary plans.

When I was 15, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I rarely invested my efforts in anything but picking out my outfits for the day, scrounging for change to buy a diet coke, and making weekend plans with my friends.

Oh, how things have changed.

I want to gather you into my arms and tell you that some of these mountains are just too big for your age. But this is your reality.

So, I’ll do what I can to help you get through these hard years. I’ll help you pace your steps and plan your course. I’ll be your encourager and a soft place to fall when the weight of the world pushes you down.

And I will remind you my beautiful girl, don’t let life wear you down. Over and over again, I will repeat that same sentence to you.

Because don’t we all let life wear us down?

Don’t we all struggle with investing too much into too many areas of our lives? Now you are facing these tough choices and cruel lessons at too young an age. Which is why I must teach you about the delicate balance between stress and self-care, pressure and perspective, work and rest.

How else will you learn?

As carefully as you plan and prepare for your future, as hard as you work to fulfill your dreams, if you bury yourself in the depths of every detail and lose yourself in the demands of each day- you will burn out before you ever get where you’re so set on going.

So, dear daughter, keep trying, keep forging ahead with that grit and grind.

But just remember, you have many more mountains to climb long after you finish high school and get into college.

If you want to reach not only today’s dreams, but also the ones you haven’t even begun to dream yet, you’re going to have to figure out how to manage it all.

I’ll help you do that, okay?

Because my dear teen daughter, there’s too much life ahead of you to let it wear you down this soon.

We all know teens can be the worst when it comes to laziness and rude behavior, but that doesn’t mean we have to cater to their every whim or sink down to their level either.

I’ve always used sarcasm with a side of humor to get my point across to my two teens. I find it works well and it’s always fun to meet them at their game. Because sometimes with teenagers, the best defense is a good offense.

Here are eight witty ways to disengage some of those annoying teenage behaviors that can push our buttons as parents.

When your teen does a half A$! job on a chore

Say, “Oh honey, it looks like you need a lot more practice at doing chores. Here’s a few more to help you really work on those skills. It takes hard work and dedication to get really good at something and I believe in you!” I literally just did this last night with one of my teens who missed quite a few spots dusting the first floor.

Silly kid missed the obvious spots I noticed immediately. I mean, if you’re going to slack off on something, at least have half a mind to try to hide your lack of effort. I gave my teen the added chore of dusting the upstairs too, just so they could “practice” more. My kids have experienced this response from me more times than they can count. Do the job poorly, then expect additional work for a consequence. That’s how I see it. Sometimes, it can actually result in a very clean house on a particularly lazy day. I love that.

When your teen asks you for food while lying on the couch watching TV

This one really gets me. Do your kids do this? Who am I, some kind of servant?

“Mom, can you heat up that leftover mac n cheese for me please?”

Or my all-time favorite: “Mom, I’m hungry. Can you make me something to eat?”

Here’s the thing. Dinner was already served. Get your additional food yourself is all I’m saying. I will not cater to my teens. Nope. Nada. No way.

So, I’ll often just bring my kid an empty plate while doing a curtsey like a servant and say “I’m so sorry to report that the help isn’t available at this time.” Or I’ll yell it while I’m busy working or doing dishes or folding their laundry.

When your teen is not responding to your questions

I’ve done a few different fun things in response to this one. Because this classic teen behavior happens All. The. Time.

I will write them big lettered notes on a sheet of copy paper from my printer. Then I will go tape it to wherever they are located to interfere with what they are doing. For example, watching TV? The note goes on the front of it. Looking at your computer? Tack that note right on the screen. On the phone with headphones in? I’ll simply lay it on their phone. It gets the point across.

I’ll also simply go over to them and use pretend sign language while saying very loudly and slowly, and of course with dramatic presentation, “I… WAS… TALKING… TO… YOU. CAN… YOU…PLEASE… ANSWER…MY…QUESTION?”

If it’s their phone that is the distraction, you can also text them with a warning that they have three seconds to respond to you before wifi gets shut down for the rest of the day. Don’t forget the smiley face emoji.

When your teen is rude to their sibling

This one happens pretty much daily, and it is enough to make me lose my mind. Why can’t they just get along?

What most infuriates me is when my older teen treats my younger teen unfairly or simply disrespects the poor innocent younger one with elaborate sighs or the all-too-common explosive, “Leave me alone!!” It pretty much breaks my heart in two.

This is when a little good old reverse psychology can do wonders. I’ll walk up quietly to my oldest, take her hands in mine and stare into her sullen eyes. Then I gently whisper, “Thank you for being such a good big sister. It warms my heart when you are so kind and caring and patient. What a role you play in your brother’s life. Thank you for being so mature and respectful in how you communicate with him. I’m so glad to see you honor one of the most important relationships in your life. Well done, you!”

I’ll give her a warm smile, nod with assurance while patting her on the back and then simply walk away. Works like a charm every single time.

When your teen leaves a mess behind and goes to bed

I think 90% of parenting tweens or teens is literally picking up after them. Does it ever stop? When will they finally learn to put their plates away, their clothes away, their shoes away, their EVERYTHING away? I get so tired of reminding them that I try to force myself to stop with all the reminders and let their sloppy ways spill out and leave a trail behind them.

Instead, when the day is done and the mess is there, I tiptoe into their room and gently jostle them awake. Once they are looking straight at me with utter confusion and surprise, I calmly whisper, “I’m so sorry to wake you, but you still have some things to do downstairs.”

They’ll drag their tired bodies out of bed and shuffle slowly downstairs to pick up their stuff and I’ll simply follow behind them saying,  “Oh, you missed this plate over here.” “Don’t forget your gym shoes over here.” “There’s a cup in the other room that has your name on it.”

They moan and groan and sigh and when they’re done and make their way back to bed, I smile and say, “Maybe tomorrow you’ll remember.”  And I promise you, they usually do.

When your teen tells you they are not in the mood for your antics
(ie: singing voice, jokes, conversation, looking at them, breathing)

This happens often to me. Apparently, they don’t like my goofy ways, especially when they are in a funk. But I have a right to sing my favorite song in the car when their friends aren’t present or to actually be in a good mood even if they aren’t.

So, I’ll come back with dramatic effect and say, “I’m so incredibly sorry I’m alive. How dare I even breathe right now! I have dreadfully let you down. Please forgive me for living in this world with you. I promise to not breathe, not speak, not even look at you again.”

Then, next time, when they want something from me or ask me a question or need me to do something, I remind them of my promise.

When your teen bosses another sibling around

When you have an older sibling who, shall we say, likes to parent the younger sibling/s, it can get downright infuriating. Maybe they mean well, but often they just like to tell them what to do.

So, when this happens under my watch, I jump up with an excited, “Oh thank goodness I have a replacement! I’ve been so exhausted with all this parenting and I appreciate you taking on my role! Now, here’s what I need you to do.” And then get busy writing a “to do list” for them while I’m telling them all the responsibilities for the rest of the day as the new practicing parent.

At some point, they either gasp with “No way mom! I’m not doing all that.” Or “Whatever, mom.” And then I let them know that I actually got this. It’s not their job to be the parent but if I need their help, I’ll be sure reach out.

When your teen is barking orders at you to hurry up because they are going to be late

This type of entitled and expectant behavior really does me in. Especially considering more times than not, they are the ones keeping me waiting.  My general response now is to purposefully grab my coffee, settle into my favorite comfy chair and open a good book.

But one of my finest parenting moments happened years ago when my teen daughter really pushed me to the limit. In response to her rushing me, I dropped everything and flew past her with my coat dangling off my arm. I opened the door with a flurry of speed, ran to the car and sped out of the garage and down the street without her. I drove around the block and parked my car for a good five minutes.

When I arrived back home, she was waiting outside, pacing the driveway and kicking the rocks around anxiously. I rolled down the window and said, “Why weren’t you ready to go? Now we’re late!” She was, in fact, late and let’s just say she learned a valuable lesson about rushing her mom that day.

Parenting teens and tweens isn’t easy.  Looking for some more support and encouragement?

The Best Way To Have An Actual Conversation With Your Teen

5 Simple Things You Need To Keep Doing When Kids Are Teens

This is What To Say And Do When Your Teen Is In A Funk

As our kids get older, often the routines and rituals that were common in their early years have a tendency to fall away one by one. And while it is definitely appropriate to let some things go, for instance most teenagers really don’t want mom giving them a bath anymore or taking them to play at the park, there are some that are worth fighting for.

During these years, SO much is changing for our teens. They can feel like nothing is constant or reliable anymore. That is why they need us to maintain a few of those comforting rituals and fun family traditions. It provides a sense of security and stability for them.

They may complain and there will most definitely be some eye rolling. But whether they admit it or not, these are parts of their life that really are meaningful.  They are the times when our teens can really connect with us and open up about what is going on in their lives. It’s also where they can retreat and find a safe space from the pressures they face at school and from their peers.

Some of these rituals and traditions may not look they way they used to look or happen as often, but you can still find ways to make them fit into a busy life with teenagers.

Family Meals

The first thing to notice is that this says “family meals” not “family dinners”.  Here’s the deal, if you’ve got teenagers, trying to have regular dinners is almost impossible. Between school activities, friends, dating, sports and homework you’re lucky if everyone is actually eating dinner at all, let alone all together.

But sharing meals together during this stage of their life is more important than ever. In fact, studies show that teenagers that have regular meals with their families are less likely to engage in risky behaviors or suffer from depression. Why is this you may ask? Because teens who eat with their families, feel more connected to their families.

Family meals are the time when our teens are more likely to share what is going on in their lives and it also provides a chance for parents to check-in and just see how things are going.  You may not always find your teen to be enthusiastic about dining with mom and dad or even all that chatty, but it’s still important to make it a priority.

To make family meals successful, set up a few ground rules.

No tech at the table is a big one and applies to everyone.  Also, agree that hot button topics will be off limits during this time and so will parental lectures.

Another important element to success is flexibility.  Many nights, schedules don’t make it easy to have dinner together. Consider sending everyone off with a substantial snack to evening activities and then have a lighter dinner later when everyone is home again. Or it may just be a before bed snack of a bowl of cereal shared together. Meals don’t have to be homemade or even all that special. The face to face interaction is what counts, not what’s actually being served.

Weekends are also a great time to squeeze in a family meal.  Weekend nights are usually spoken for when it comes to your teen’s social life, but what about a regular family breakfast or brunch. It doesn’t even have to be every weekend, but maybe twice a month.  Pull out that old waffle maker you haven’t used in forever or go out to everyone’s favorite brunch spot.

Family Vacations

Taking time away from everything as a family during the teen years is something you don’t want to give up.  Families are pulled apart in so many directions in todays’ go go go culture.  Sometimes it can get to the point that you feel like strangers passing each other in the halls of your home.  It can also leave all of you feeling stressed out, frazzled and exhausted.

Every one of you needs a break and a chance to spend some quality time together.  It’s also just a few short years before these teens of yours will be heading off to college and starting their own lives.  Now is when you want to take advantage of these last chances to solidify their foundation and build memories as a family.

You can up the likelihood of their willing participation by involving them in the planning. Let them have some say in where you go or what activities will be on the agenda.  It can be a great way to sneak in a few life skill lessons while giving them a chance to share their interests and ideas.

Tucking Them In At Night

It may sound corny, but your teens aren’t too old to be tucked in at night. Don’t make it some over the top production. Keep it Simple. Sit on the edge of their bed, do a quick check in for what’s ahead of them tomorrow and then give them a little hug or peck on the cheek.

But be prepared, the process may not be as quick as you think.  This is another one of those rare opportunities our kids have to connect with us and you may find it’s when they suddenly have tons to share with you.  As the day slows down and they head to bed, this is often when those worries they don’t have time to focus on at any other time start to weigh on our teens.

Accept the invitation to engage if it is offered, settle down next to them and then just let them talk.  Don’t try to tackle big issues or solve problems, it’s too late and you’re both tired. Just listen, because that’s probably what they need most.  If there is more to be addressed, let them know that they’ve been heard and suggest a better time the next day to address anything outstanding.

Also, if like me, you go to bed earlier than your teens some nights, you can still “tuck” them in. It’s the what you’re doing, not the where that matters. Check in with them, give them a little squeeze or peck on the head and tell them good night. It is reassuring for them to know that there will always be that last touch point with you each night.

Showing Physical Affection

There was a time in our lives when we could barely pry our children off of us.  It was almost like they were just another appendage. Then, almost over night, if can feel like even a slight brush against your skin makes them pull back like they’ve been burned by fire.

Even if your teens aren’t quite that bad when it comes to showing physical affection, the chances for hugs and kisses and cuddles are far far fewer as you enter the tween and teen years. But no matter how much they protest, that physical touch is essential for them. Again, it’s about the connection and the comfort.  And sometimes when our kids aren’t getting that healthy parental physical contact, they can go looking for the wrong kinds of physical affection from the wrong kinds of people.

Navigating that transition in physical affection between parent and child during the teen years can be difficult. It can feel a bit awkward and there is desire to respect their space and boundaries, but that doesn’t mean it should end all together. Your teen may not be sitting on your lap when you watch TV together anymore, but you can still sit close to them and just put a hand on their arm. 

If they’re embarrassed about hugs or kisses in front of their friends, then give them the hug or kiss before you leave the house.  And hugs don’t always have to be big bear hugs. Side hugs are totally acceptable and so is a quick peck on the top of the head when their sitting at the table having a snack or doing homework.  Don’t make a big deal about any of it, just make it a normal part of how you interact.

Saying “I Love You”

Your big kids may not be as willing to say “I love you” frequently to you these day, but you better believe they still need to hear it.  Most of our teenagers will go through many periods when they really question their value.  They may feel like they aren’t good enough for any number of reasons and they may even feel like they are letting you down in some way.

These three little words have so much power. Saying them often is a constant reminder and reinforcement of their value to us and a reassurance that no matter what is going on, we will always love them.

Don’t let your kids leave you for the day without making sure they hear at least once. And let it be some of the final words they hear from you every night before they close their eyes.

You might be pleasantly surprised to find them returning the words more regularly.

The teen years can make us questions our gut instincts as parents. Plus, the hectic schedules can make it all too easy for us to let the important things go, especially when our teens may not be fully on board.  The thing is, they don’t always know what they need, but for most teens they are pretty sure it’s not us.  On this one, they are wrong. A strong connection with their mom and dad and their family provides security and comfort as well a solid foundation for their future.

It’s worth fighting for and sometimes it’s as simple as a sitting down to pizza together, giving their arm a little squeeze as they head out the door or just saying “I Love You.”

Parenting Teens and Tweens is challenging, but we’ve got the help and support you need.

This is What To Say And Do When Your Teen Is In A Funk

5 Simple Ways To Build A Solid Bond With Your Tweens That Will Last

The Best Way To Have An Actual Conversation With Your Teen

Parenting Teens and Tweens can be challenging, here are a few other articles that might help.

Dear Teen Son, Thank You For The Hugs

What I Want My Teenage Son To Know About Dating Before He Starts

This is What To Say And Do When Your Teen Is In A Funk

I live in what I call the Little House of Hormones.

I have an almost teen and two teens–all girls. They are such great kids, but I am in the weeds.

Recently, I made a life changing discovery, and I feel compelled to share. Maybe you knew this already, maybe not. But if it can help even just one mom….. then I’m sharing it. We’re all in this parenting thing together.

We have had some tears in our house. I mean serious tears. Like all the time, for no reason whatsoever, could fill a swimming pool tears. And although I did go through puberty myself at one time, I don’t remember this crying for no reason at the drop of a hat thing (although my mother says otherwise.)

I picked my daughter up from school the other day and it was immediately apparent she was in a “mood”.

Parenting Teens and Tweens is Tough, Want A Little More Support?

This Is One Of The Reasons Our Teens Are So Stressed And Here’s What You Can Do About It

Why Self Care Is One Of The Most Important Lessons We Can Teach Our Teens

How To Have A More Peaceful Relationship With Your Teen ; Guaranteed

I got this strange email recently.

“Date for Freshman Orientation” was in the subject line.

It had to be a mistake because I’m pretty sure my twin daughters just started preschool yesterday. But alas, here we are on the cusp of the big leagues.

The moment I put the date in my calendar, I felt the pressure building.

First, the PSAT scores came home.

Then, teachers started recommending which classes the kids should take.

Next, a flurry of text messages and phone calls and neighborhood chats about what other students did in the past, who was signing up for what, and the average SATs scores at the big name universities everyone wants their kids to go to.

Each day my kids would come home and say:

“So-and-so is taking all AP classes because her parents are making her.”

Or “My friend said if I don’t take this AP class I won’t even be considered at certain colleges,”

Or “Jenny’s sister said her AP classes are so much work she barely sleeps!”

I read through teacher recommendations and course descriptions. I talked to some friends. We sat down as a family. And I still had no idea what sort of course load was right for them.

Deep breaths.

It’s hard not to get sucked into the frenetic energy of what high school is like in today’s world. The news is filled with stories about the declining mental health of our teens, the increased competition of the college admissions process, and high school burnout.

And it’s no surprise.

Between the homework required for advanced classes, sports practices, extracurricular activities, SAT prep, service hours to boost their college application, and family obligations, kids have no downtime.

Basically, our teens are chronically stressed out

Even scarier is that some are carrying the psychological effects well into their adult lives.

When the shock that I truly would be the mom of two high school freshmen finally wore off, I was able to think a bit more rationally about it.

Could there be a balance between preparing my daughters for college and ensuring they didn’t have a break down in the process?

What did I want my kids’ high school experience to look like? What did they want it to look like?

One of my daughters wanted to play soccer and run cross country, and possibly get involved in a club. The other wanted to join the orchestra and try out for a local symphony. She also wanted to volunteer.

They were looking forward to social activities and new electives and Friday night football games. They heard about class trips and student government. One wanted to take a baking class at the local community college, and the other wanted to perhaps get a job to save for a car.

The more I listened, the more excited I was for them.

High school can be a great experience if you have the time to enjoy it.

Overloading their schedule with advanced classes for the sake of taking an advanced class didn’t make much sense. More time studying means less time to make friends, join new things, acquire job experience or volunteer—all equally important in my eyes. I also thought of my daughters’ propensity to put pressure on themselves, and how they didn’t always deal with stress effectively.

We ended up encouraging our girls to challenge themselves in the academic areas they enjoyed, but reassured them it would be okay to just take standard level classes for the other subjects. We hoped it would be a good balance—challenging enough academically but not so labor-intensive they couldn’t do other activities.

We know it’s a risk to take an easier course load, and our girls will be competing against other students who took a different, perhaps more college-friendly path; however, it’s a risk we’re willing to take.

My kids will go to college. But I don’t want them to miss out on their high school experience—or be too mentally and physically exhausted—to get into one.

Although I think my daughters are stellar students, I’d rather they be stellar human beings. Part of that is having enough time to follow their passions–and having a little time to actually enjoy themselves, too.

It’s my hope that underachieving a bit in school will result in my kids overachieving in happiness.

It’s a risk I think will pay off.

Parenting Teens and Tweens is challenging, but there’s plenty more advice and encouragement:

When Raising Teens, Sometimes You Have To Screw The Rules

How To Help Tweens and Teens Avoid The Comparison Trap

Why Self Care Is One Of The Most Important Lessons We Can Teach Our Teens

Here we are, sweet boy. Those crazy teenage years are upon us. There is so much happening in your life, your mind, and your body . So much growth and change and emotion. I know it can be exciting and overwhelming at the same time. But, we’ll take each new change, each new feeling, as it comes.

I know affection can be a weird thing right now. It’s become awkward to hug or kiss your mom, you’ve moved to the strange handshake/back pat with buddies, and even holding hands with friends while playing a relay game seems to make you all uncomfortable.

So when you casually hugged me goodbye as you set off for a sleepover, I know you didn’t realize it was a big deal, but to me it was huge. You didn’t know how good it felt to have my little boy (always my little boy!) put his now long arms around me. You were just being polite and giving a quick goodbye gesture.

But, thank you for that hug.

You have no idea what it did for your mama’s heart.

When you hugged me tight upon your return from a guys’ weekend with your dad, and told me you missed me, you didn’t know how I would relish that moment. I missed you too and couldn’t wait for you to walk back through that door.

Thank you for that hug.

It made me smile and remember the huge, tight hug when I scooped you up at the end of your first unsteady, stumbling walk across the floor as a toddler. So much has changed, but it always feels good to be completely enveloped by your smiling child.

When your team won a big game, and you gave me a victory hug outside the dugout, you didn’t know how wonderful it was for me to see you so excited, and have you look for me, smile, and wrap your arms around me.

Thank you for that hug.

It made my heart fill with pride and pure happiness for you. Thank you for sharing your celebrations with me.

I wish every day was a celebration, but we know sometimes life doesn’t seem fair and it can even feel unbelievably cruel. When you were devastated and needed to vent, you came to me to talk it out. We hugged before you left, and you didn’t pull away, so we hugged for a second longer.

Thank you for that hug.

Thank you for allowing me to be a place of comfort even as you mature. As your mom, my heart still needs to try to support you and lift you up. Even if you tower over me.

I know it’s a simple thing. It’s just a hug. But to me, it’s a connection. And as you continue to grow and learn and move forward in life, it feels so good to know you’re still OK with that sweet connection between us.

So, thank you.

This is a contributed post from Dana at 39ishlife.com. She lives in Florida with her husband and four sons. When she’s not running someone to baseball or golf, she is writing, editing, and avoiding the sink of dirty dishes.

Parenting tween and teen boys can be hard, looking for more encouragement and advice?

Dear Teenage Son, Please Don’t Ever Stop Saying “I Love You”

Dear Teenage Son, This Is The Kind Of Man We Hope You Will Become

This is 12 and It’s Never Been More Confusing