Recently, an acquaintance of mine on Facebook posted asking other parents for suggestions about a monitoring app for her young teen’s new iPhone.

One of the first responses to her post was someone who said, ” You’ve raised a good kid so you just need to trust him.”

And suddenly with one comment, her very innocent FB post turned into a parenting battlefield.

TRUST

That is such a tricky word when it comes to parenting our adolescent children.

To quote one of my favorite lines, from one of my favorite movies of all time, The Princess Bride.

“You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.”

Often, when it comes to trusting teens and tweens, sometimes we get confused.

Trusting our kids is very different than giving our kids total freedom over choices that their limited life experience and immaturity doesn’t qualify them to make.

Many of our tweens and teens probably wouldn’t choose to go to school if we weren’t making them go. They probably wouldn’t choose to go to bed at a reasonable hour. In many cases, especially tween boys, they probably wouldn’t choose to take a shower with any kind of regularity.

If our tweens and teens didn’t need us to still be all up in their business, supervising and guiding them to keep them from doing stupid stuff (and smelling bad), then the legal age of adulthood would be much younger.

This is true even when we’ve got “good” kids. Which most of us do….

The Myth of the “Good Kid”

I know we all like to believe in the magic formula

You know what I’m talking about – THE. MAGIC. FORMULA.

It goes something like this…

One Part: Raising our kids in loving homes in good neighborhoods.

One part: Sending them to good schools and attending all the parent/teacher conferences, awards ceremonies, school plays and science fairs.

One part: Encouraging them by showing up for all their soccer games, dance recitals, ukulele concerts, etc.

One part: Making sure they do chores, eat broccoli and finish their homework.

Combine all the parts together and voila, good kids.

And you know what, in most cases, the magic formula works. We DO get good kids.

But what we don’t get is perfect kids.

Now my tween (almost teen) would probably argue otherwise. You know, because teenagers know everything and they are in fact PERFECT.

Just the other day I was trying to impart some wisdom or another onto him in the car and he responded, “Mom, that’s such adult slang.”

Umm, “adult slang”? I asked if he would please enlighten me on the subject.

“It’s all the stupid stuff that adults say to kids,” he explained.

Yep, and this is exactly why we are in charge of them until the age of 18.

It’s also why, even though we trust our children, we shouldn’t trust that they are ready to make the right decisions in all situations.

Tweens And Teens Aren’t Quite Fully Cooked Humans

They’re brains are still developing, especially something called the pre-frontal cortex. And that part of the brain is in charge of some pretty important stuff like..

• regulating emotions
• logic
• reason
• impulse control
• problem solving

If anyone should know about this stuff , it would be Dr. Frances Jensen. She’s a neurobiologist, but more importantly the mom of two teenage boys.  

She recently co-authored the book The Teenage Brain:A Neuroscientist’s Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults  and here’s how she explains what is going on in our kids noggins;

“They are built to be novelty-seeking at this point in their lives. Their frontal lobe isn’t able to say, ‘That’s a bad idea, don’t do that.’ That’s not happening to the extent it will in adulthood.”

Translations: Our good kids, can still make some bad choices.

Good kids will watch shows on Netflix that are too violent or sexually graphic, because they don’t always know better. Good kids will look at porn online because they are curious. Good kids will engage in sexting, because they think it’s what all the kids are doing.

Good kids will snapchat naked pictures, because in the moment it doesn’t occur to them that those pictures might be spread across their school. Good kids will bully another kid online, because they can’t see the painful reaction their words cause.

Good Kids Still Need To Earn Trust

Without a doubt, trust is essential when it comes to preparing our kids for adulthood. But they aren’t adults yet. So, we still have to gauge what decisions they are ready to be trusted with so we set them up for success.

Think about it this way.  Let’s say you have an awesome 13 year old who you totally trust.

So, you’d absolutely give him the keys to your car and let him drive himself to school, right?

Umm, NOPE.

Yes, you trust him, but aside from it being illegal to drive at 13, he hasn’t taken driver’s ed or proven himself through practice that he is ready to be behind the wheel of a car. Therefore, he has not EARNED your trust to operate a vehicle.

A great philosophy for parents of teens comes from Dr. John Townsend, who says, “Love is free, and trust is earned.”

So, how D0 they go about earning that trust?

It is an ongoing process, and be very different child to child. But here are a few important things to consider when it comes to trusting teens and tweens:

• They show good judgement
  This means everything from who they are hanging out with, to the way they behave in front of other adults to what they share on social media.
• They are responsible
  When they make a mistake they take ownership for their actions and don’t blame others. They understand the value of their possessions and care for them appropriately. They are able to remember whatever gear they need for school, sports, and other activities without constant reminders.
• They are respectful of rules
  They don’t necessarily have to like them, but they do have to follow them and show respect. Constantly challenging or negotiating is a red flag.
• They treat people with respect
  From their parents to teachers and coaches, they are able to look adults in the eye, speak clearly and effectively and have the ability to control their emotions within reason and raise issues and concerns in a calm way.
• They value balance
  Are they constantly eating junk food? Do they spend all their free time on snap chat? Overall, teenagers should begin to show the ability to moderate.  If they tend towards extremes, they may not be able to recognize situations that are risky until it’s too late.

As stated earlier, our tweens and teens are not perfect.  So, even if you’re answering yes to all these questions, be prepared because your kids are still going to screw up.

We parents do it all the time, so we shouldn’t expect more from them.

If you’ve got a good kid, when they make those mistakes, give them some grace and a second chance. This will not only help them regain confidence in themselves, but will also inspire them to want to work that much harder to prove they deserve your trust.

Parents, Trust Yourselves

No one knows your child like you do.  Trust your own instincts.

Just because your child reaches a certain age, doesn’t mean he’s automatically ready for certain privileges. Not all 13 year olds are ready for social media accounts, just like not all 16 year olds are ready to be behind the wheel of a car.

Also, peer pressure is strong at this age and your child may be pushing for certain freedoms simply because they are seeking social acceptance.

If your gut is telling you that your child wants something for the wrong reasons and it could be damaging to them in the long run, hold your ground.  You may be surprised to find out that they are relieved to be able to use you as the scapegoat for something they really didn’t want to do.

Remember Our Kids Trust Us Too

They trust us to be their parents.

They trust us to know what they are watching and reading and viewing online.

They trust us to monitor what they are saying and what is being said about them on social media.

They trust us to know who they are texting and who they are hanging out with both in the virtual and real world.

They trust us to know them and to know when they are ready for certain decisions and when they need our guidance and intervention.

They trust us to protect both their childhoods and their futures.

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 “He can’t get together.” My son said with a disappointing sigh. 

“Oh, gosh honey, I’m sorry!” 

It was a Friday night and my son, a freshman in high school, had a free night with time on his hands. Most nights, he’s either involved in his sports or drowning in his virtual schoolwork that has been a difficult adjustment, lasting much longer for him to complete. He was hoping to celebrate the end of a long week by hanging out with his best friend.

But things didn’t work out the way he had hoped. I assumed my teen boy would spend the night playing video games with his friends, his second favorite thing to do, but I’ve also been delighted that he will sometimes choose to spend time with me.  

“Do you want to have a night together? We could play ping pong and darts and then we can catch up on our shows.” 

I had planned to run errands that night. I had also planned to catch up on some work I had been procrastinating, too. But tonight, my son wanted to be with me and I will never pass that up because I love spending special one-on-one time with my boy. The errands can wait and so can the work. 

“Heck yes, honey! Let’s do it! I’m so excited!” 

We played rounds of ping pong and darts, then we ordered take out Chinese food to eat and snuggle in for the rest of the night to watch some of our favorite shows. This kind of quality time with my son has been the best thing that has come from this pandemic. Although so much of his life has been restricted, we’ve had tons of opportunities to spend one-on-one time together and I’m always both thrilled and surprised he still enjoys my company.  

My daughter, a senior in high school, will do the same thing when she has a rare and random free night for whatever reason that may be. Even in a pandemic, my girl has filled her days with working two jobs, serving in our city’s communities, and participating in several of our church ministries, along with her schoolwork that also takes much of her time.  

Sometimes she just wants to relax and watch Netflix shows or YouTube sermons while lying on the couch eating our favorite snacks. Other times she asks if we can go grab dinner or go thrifting at our favorite places around town. Whatever we end up doing, spending that precious time with her means everything to me. She’s growing more independent every day, creating her own schedule and making her own decisions and my gosh, it’s a beautiful thing to witness. But I miss her, so I’ll take any chance I can get to be with her. 

If my kids want to spend time with me, I’ll do just about anything to show up. 

This special time alone with each of my kids offers us a chance to connect and catch up on the details of their lives, as our conversations naturally unfold and they talk about what’s important to them. Sometimes, we just enjoy the activity we are doing together and that is enough, but oftentimes they will want to share more.  

They’ll show me pictures of them or their friends on their phones that they want me to see or things on social media they think are worth sharing with me. They’ll update me on their classes or give more details about the activities they are currently in or talk about what’s going on with their friends. They will bring up things that would ordinarily be stifled away if we did not make room for the “small talk” that comes so easily when we’re alone.  

This one-on-one time is also when my kids are most comfortable bringing up difficult issues they are struggling with, or questions they have about things that are confusing them, or frustrations they feel with any challenges they face, and I’m all ears- attentive and anxious to help them sort through their feelings, answer their questions, and guide them in making hard decisions about tough situations. I’m always learning more about these babies of mine who are growing up so fast and developing their own identities apart from me.  

Any time they invite me into their worlds, their views, their struggles, and their victories, I relish the chance to be involved in it all. They really do want my advice, my validation, and my encouragement, and I know these are the years they need it most. Being fully present in this special space we create together is a critical piece to my parenting. Now, more than ever, I want to show up and give them what they need. 

My time with my kids is ticking by so fast and I’m facing the painful and exciting reality that they are almost out the door. This truth both scares me and makes me ache in ways only a mother can feel. I’m just glad they choose to spend some of their time with me. I’m so grateful they still think it’s worthwhile to include me in their lives. 

For those times when they want some special one-on-one time with their mom, I’m always ready to drop everything and dive in and soak up those wonderful opportunities while they are still here in my home.  

One day, it won’t be this easy to spend time together. I won’t have my kids sitting at our kitchen table asking if we can do something right there, right then. Soon this time spent together might come with a long drive over hundreds of miles or flights covering several state borders to be with one another. The request might have to wait until a holiday break or when my kids have vacation time from their jobs. This invitation will have to come with planning and time, arranged schedules, and saved money. Before I know it, things will get complicated and I will ache for these days when my kids are right here. 

So, for now, when my kids ask if I’m free to spend time with them… 

I’ll jump at that chance and truly appreciate the immediacy and luxury of such a gift I’ll only get to enjoy just a little while longer. 

This is a contributed post by Christine Carter. She writes at TheMomCafe.com, where she hopes to encourage mothers everywhere through her humor, inspiration, and faith. Her work is published on several various online publications and she is the author of “Help and Hope While You’re Healing: A woman’s guide toward wellness while recovering from injury, surgery, or illness.” and “Follow Jesus: A Christian Teen’s Guide to Navigating the Online World”. Both sold on Amazon.

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Childhood developmental milestones.

Remember those?

Infancy, toddlerhood, and early childhood are all about concise and medically agreed upon developmental milestones, and as parents we have a tendency (and in some ways duty) to ensure that our children are meeting all those important milestones, and at the exact time they should be meeting them.  We also compare and contrast at what ages and stages our children are meeting those milestones with all the other children that surround us, but in general infants, toddlers, and young children all reach and surpass those stages and phases at roughly the same time. Give or take a few months, babies all walk at about the same time. Talking, self-feeding, tying shoes, holding pencils- all those things happen in children at about the same time, and we rarely use the term “late bloomer” for phases of childhood other than adolescence.

But it’s exactly in adolescence that we not only hear that term “late bloomer” more often, we hear it being used as a negative thing, and if it’s being used to describe one of our own teens, a whole new set of worries are born.

Is my teen normal? Why is he not as ready as his peers to do things? Is it laziness and immaturity or something worse?

There are several reasons some teens bloom later (both physically and emotionally) than others, and one factor that can cause your son’s best friend to have a 5 o’clock shadow on his chiseled chin at age 13 (while yours still has a baby soft, round face) is called “constitutional delay.” This means your child is simply following a familiar or genetic pattern that family members before him or her followed. For example, the age at which you started your period may be a good indication of when your daughter will start hers. Did your husband have a growth spurt in college? There’s a good chance your son will as well. Other variances in the timing of puberty include excessive exercise, or an underlying medical or genetic condition, but in most cases a healthy normal teenager who may start menstruating a bit later than her peers, or one who isn’t able to grow substantial facial hair until after age 16 is just that, a healthy normal teenager.

Of course at any time if you’re concerned about later than normal pubescent physical development, speak with your pediatrician, but as for late blooming in the emotional sense? Well, this is where things vary wildly, and recent studies have show that on a whole today’s teenagers are more emotionally delayed in several ways than former generations. They’re delaying activities and holding off on a variety of rites of passage that their parents may have done or experienced much earlier. What we did at age 15 our kids may not be doing until age 19.

What I mean is that your 16 year old may be ready on the exact day she turns 16 to head straight for the DMV to get her driver’s license (like all of us were in the late 80s and early 90s) and be able to confidently drive off solo in the family sedan, while the thought of driving alone gives her best friend panic attacks. Your 16 year old son may not seem able to complete the simplest of tasks and manage his time and responsibilities well,  while the neighbor’s 16 year old has held a part time job for two years. Your high school senior may be totally content with living at home for a few years after graduation and in no hurry to move out, while his friend is applying to colleges across the country and has already started packing.

And when it comes to dating, well this is where both the situations and emotional readiness can really vary intensely. Many teens may feel pressure and/or be ready to date at around age 15 or 16,  or in the least start have the desire to start exploring more interpersonal and intimate relationships, while others are far from ready for that form of emotional baggage and see no point in it,  content with skipping proms and dances to hang at home with Mom and Dad on Saturday night.

As parents in a social media fueled world, one where we’re confronted daily with scenes of what appears to be perfect parents and their perfect teenagers, who seem to be achieving everything at the exact age and time they’re supposed to be achieving it, it’s often increasingly difficult to hang back and keep the faith a little when it comes to raising a late bloomer. There is pressure coming at parents and kids from everywhere- school, teachers, impending college admissions, their own peers and even yours, to make you believe you’re running in some adolescent achievement race, where if you’re not constantly in the top half of runners, you’re doomed to not even finish.

Remember when you were potty training and felt defeated, and you had to remind yourself that no child shows up to the first day of kindergarten in diapers? Raising a late blooming teenager is a bit similar to that. I can promise you one day they will drive, they will get a job, they will move out, and they will find a life partner, and even if it doesn’t happen in that order or in the time frame you think it should, it will happen. Just wait. They’re gonna be just fine.

This is a contributed post. Melissa Fenton is a freelance writer, adjunct librarian, and St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital Awareness Ambassador. She writes at 4BoysMother. Her writing can be found all over the internet, but her work is mostly on the dinner table.

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As mothers, it’s much easier to talk about all the joy and extraordinary blessing that comes with being a mom. Being vulnerable about what hurts isn’t on anyone’s bucket list. Plus, our good days typically far outweigh the tough ones giving us plenty of bandwidth to share the positive.

But when the bad days mount up during a challenging crisis or a gut-wrenching season, the emotional toll can almost break us. Sometimes it does.

It’s a lonely road walking through the storms of motherhood. I’ve been through more soul-bending seasons over 27 years than I care to admit.

I had a kid who stopped breathing at five days old and had to have risky eye surgery on both eyes at five years old. I had a kid who was bullied relentlessly in middle school. I had a kid who was demeaned by coaches for almost a decade.

I had a kid who sunk into darkness and rebellion in the early teen years. Another who battles severe anxiety. Another who was suicidal because of her journey through sexuality.

I’ve had a kid who barely spoke to me for months. Another blame me for all of their weaknesses and downfalls. And another who continuously broke the rules and didn’t give two shits about it.

I had three kids survive a school shooting.

We also had to “kick out” two of our kids at one point in a show of tough love.

Only another mother can understand what these types of scenarios do to your insides. Only another mother can comprehend the mental and emotional overload:

how you lay awake for hours battling debilitating fear and worry

how your heart breaks and bleeds and longs for a solution

how your stomach turns from swallowing the rejection

how the self-blame, guilt, unworthiness, and despair coils up in your insides

how the emptiness and loneliness eat you alive

We are never prepared for it.

Yet, we continue to put one foot in front of the other. We continue to find enough strength to press onward. Love is a powerful thing. Motherly love something powerful beyond measure.

Love propels us forward even when the weight of the world sits on our chest.

Love medicates the pain and agony enough to make it bearable.

Love wills us to continue seeing the best in our kids even when they choose to see the worst in us.

Love builds up our self-esteem and provides the strength to keep fighting for our family.

Love floods in like a high tide filling the voids.

We are never prepared for this either.

We aren’t prepared for much when it comes to motherhood–for the ecstasy or the grief. The paradox is palpable.

Yet, we warrior onward, fueled by this inconceivable force within us yoked to the heartbeat of our children.

What a journey. What a mystery.

What a gift.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

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Doing life during a pandemic is a lot. The entire world, as we know it, tilted off its axis, sending all of us careening in a direction we didn’t see coming. If you are anything like me, you’ve spent the majority of 2020 trying to regain your balance. Trying to bear crawl your way back to standing and make sense of your surroundings.

I don’t know if we’ll ever truly make sense of the new landscape, but we have no choice but to make do. We need to make the best of what we have as we adjust to a new way of living.

Raising teens is also a lot. Our entire mom world, as we know it, also tilts off its axis, sending us careening in an emotional direction we for sure didn’t see coming. If you are anything like me when I was raising teens, you spend a lot of time trying to find your equilibrium. Trying to find some sure footing amid the daily ups and downs and all arounds.

Sometimes the most effective way to manage the chaos and uncertainty in both scenarios is to mentally check out of the madness for minute. To ignore the stressful thoughts clamoring for our attention and focus on something that transports us to a different reality and calms our nerves. And binge-watching a T.V. series is an effective escape route.

One of the shows that can provide this haven is Ted Lasso, which streams on Apple+. Ted Lasso stars Jason Sudeikis as a former college football coach selected to run a Premier League soccer team in London. I don’t need to get into a detailed synopsis except to say I experienced 300ish minutes of uninterrupted laughter and heart-bending enjoyment as I watched all ten episodes straight through. Now I am in full-blown Ted Lasso withdrawal, and it appears I have to wait until August of 2021 to get my season 2 fix.

Friends. This show. It is epic. Ted Lasso is precisely what your heart and soul needs. Not only will you experience all the feels, but you will long to adopt every character into your family. With so much going wrong in the world, Ted Lasso represents what’s right. What is good, what is desperately needed.

Trust me when I say you need this show in your life. Here are the seven reasons why this series will give you hope as you tiptoe through teenagedom and maneuver through this health crisis we are all facing:

1. It’s a masterclass in vulnerability

God knows this pandemic has shoved us all into a vulnerable state. I don’t even need to explain how vulnerable we feel raising hormonal teenagers. Being vulnerable is rarely on anyone’s bucket list. But Ted Lasso reminds us how much beauty comes from allowing ourselves to enter into this unguarded space so we can grow. As mommas, we do this by opening up about our struggles and getting the love and encouragement we need.

2. You see firsthand the power of grace and forgiveness

We are living in a world that is brimming with reasons to be angry and bitter. The fury and fear continue to divide us. Raising teens comes with a lot of irritable territory as we deal with mood swings, sass, and all kinds of hard stuff. I think all of us can use a refresher course on the power of forgiveness, and the characters in this show model it beautifully.

3. It reminds you of the importance of being ‘seen and heard

More than anything, I think our teens long to be seen and heard…for who they are, not who we hope they will be or wish they were already. We owe it to each other to lean in and do our best to understand and validate one another as we face the challenges of life together. Ted Lasso pays attention to everyone in the room and, in doing so, builds up the collective.

4. You’ll laugh you’re ass off

Laughter is always the best medicine, and this show does not disappoint.

5. It demonstrates how the power of positivity goes a forever way

In a world bearing the weight of a pandemic, we definitely need to be around people who believe the glass is half full. Our kids, who bear the weight of being a teen, definitely need some good vibrations to mix in with their moods. Ted Lasso is that guy. He proves that having a good attitude is a choice, and positivity has a profound ripple effect. As mommas of teens, it isn’t always easy to be this person for our kids and stay positive when we are at our wits end. So, maybe we just need to adopt Ted Lasso into our family for awhile.

6. It highlights how authenticity heals

None of us are immune to pretending to be someone we’re not at times. We are experts at masking our pain and shielding our insecurities with self-preserving armor. But we long to be real. We desire to live authentic lives. The characters in Ted Lasso show us how having the courage to be honest and transparent brings tremendous healing for everyone.  They remind us why it’s essential to remove the facades and so we can thrive. Sometimes we just need to let our teens know how we really feel because more times than not, we are sharing similar emotions for different reasons.

7. It proves that although change is uncomfortable, we are capable of adapting

Changes should be the theme song for 2020. It feels like every aspect of our life has changed from top to bottom.same when the teen season rolls in.  As a general rule, we aren’t superfans of change, especially when we aren’t seeking it. But, as humans, we are very capable of adapting and finding our way. Ted Lasso provides us a perfect example of what it looks like to recalibrate and find our groove in a new environment, with new rules and different surroundings.

Perhaps even more compelling than all of the above is the hope Ted Lasso provides for us. This show embodies what it means to be human—the joys, struggles, triumphs, and defeats that we all endure while somehow finding a way to keep pressing forward. And the way we get through life is ‘together’ —something the show reminds us of every episode in how they portray the characters and their relationships.

As Ted says, “I believe in hope. I believe in believe.”

And hope does not disappoint. We just need to believe so we can see.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

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A few months back I found this awesome list that described 100 things your kids should know how to do before they leave home. It was filled with useful information like how to do laundry and formulate a shopping list plus some things I never thought about like filling out a health form and in-person banking.

I went through the list point by point with my teens talking to them about each one. They absorbed the information and I felt smug that one day they will be prepared to fly the nest.

But as the pandemic rolls on and I look around at the current state of our teens, I recognized that those life skills, while useful, will not actually help them get through life effectively. Sure, they need to know these things, but will it make or break them if they throw a red sock in with their whites once? Can’t they look up how to fill out a check on Google?

What they need to get through this life–and to live it productively–transcends any bullet-pointed list. A few months back, I noticed my kids had changed a bit. They were crabbier and a bit more selfish. They were getting a little curt. They seemed to have lost their mojo. The pandemic was wearing on them and hard. And that’s when I realized that I didn’t do my job as well as I could at this moment. I needed to give them a mind shift that would help them be able to tackle any issue life threw at them.

I drew up a new set of life skills I wanted to teach my three teen daughters.

+ Walk every day. Go around the block. Hike through the woods. Run a few miles, but get outside no matter what the weather. As someone whose mood correlates with the weather, I know how important this is. Sometimes I literally have to threaten my kids to get them to do this, but it is so worth it.

+ Learn how to be by yourself without your phone. Sometimes when we run an errand, I make my kids leave their phones at home. They HATE it, but sometimes you should just be alone with your thoughts. Look out the window and see the world passing you by. Talk to the people around you. Learning how to enjoy your own company is an important skill that can get you through some pretty dark times. Learning how to connect with others is critical.

+ Keep trying new things. For a long time I ignored the fact that video games and social media took up my kids’ free time. They enjoyed them, it was sometimes social, and I just didn’t feel like arguing with them about one more thing. But then I realized that they kept choosing those gadgets because they were mindless, and I want them to be mindful. My husband and I told them that they needed to find a hobby that they didn’t have to plug in and then spend a few hours a week on it. We bought a cheap ukulele for one of my daughters, and fixed an old sewing machine for another. It didn’t have to be expensive, but they had to stick with it for a few months. Now, they do these things on most nights instead of melding into their phones.

+ How to practice gratitude. Teens can be the most self-centered people on the planet. It’s okay, though. Their brains are hard-wired to be that way. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t teach them to always be mindful of what they are grateful for in this life. A few times a week I annoyingly talk about a few small things I’m grateful for (50 degree weather in late November, the frother my friend gifted me, my health) and then I ask them to give me a few gratitude points, too. I’m not going to lie, they do it with rolled eyes, but the answers start coming more readily and spontaneously now.

-+ Empathy first. Like gratitude, some people are born empathetic, and others must learn it. I think most kids have a mixture of inherent empathy and a void that needs to be filled and learned. One of the most important things I learned about teens is their outward reaction is not always what they are feeling. A blank stare when you tell your kid about bad news or an uncaring response could be a sign that they just don’t how how to react.

I now make a point to put in context current events. While I know their intelligence can process information, I don’t always think they have the empathy to see both sides. I discuss the memes they post on social media that they think are meaningless but are actually meaningful to other people. I play the devil’s advocate a lot when they discuss their peers. I stop what I’m doing when they frustrate me and share why I’m upset.

Now, I’m not going to kid you. My teens don’t love that I’m working on these “life skills”. I get a lot of rolled eyes and exasperated sighs and “OMG does everything have to be a life lesson?”

Finding the balance is hard, but as their parent I don’t just want to teach them how to get through life. I want to teach them how to enjoy it, be productive in it, and help others do the same.

And if they learn to do their laundry while there at it, all the better.

Parenting teens and tweens is hard work. These posts other parents found useful may help make it a little easier.

50 Simple and Useful Life Skills You Can Teach Your Teen Quickly

Why Self Care Is One Of The Most Important Lessons We Can Teach Our Teens

To My Teenagers, I Want You To Know What Really Matters

I remember some of those early years of celebrating Christmas with my children. They were so excited about even the simplest things. We’d decorate the tree with their sweet homemade ornaments, bake cookies that were more sprinkles that dough and watch ALL the classic Christmas specials like Rudolph and Frosty all cuddled up on the couch.

Those were such special times. It’s hard to believe that those two little elves that used to run around my house in footie pajamas wearing reindeer antler headbands and singing Christmas carols with the words all jumbled up are now a tween and teen.

It can be hard this time of year when you’ve got older kids, because you miss those days when the holidays still felt magical to them. Now, it’s more like you’re living with some serious grinches. Getting them excited about all the things they used to love can be such a struggle and it can be tempting to just let go of family holiday traditions.

But no matter how scrooge like they may seem, traditions still matter to tweens and teens. They are familiar and comforting and build memories that will lay the groundwork for their future homes. So, don’t give up on spending quality time with your kiddos this Christmas, it just may mean that you need to try a few new ones that better fit this stage of life.

25 Christmas Traditions for Families with Tweens and Teens

1. Volunteer as a family.
   – Serve meals at a homeless shelter
   – deliver them to at risk seniors via meals on wheels
   – Adopt a family to buy gifts for via local organizations
2. Attend a holiday special event: Holiday Concert, Nutcracker, Rockettes, Church Play, Live Nativity (or stream one and watch from home)
3. Have an ugly Christmas sweater competition and then decorate the tree together
4. Find a new family favorite Christmas movie with these Holiday Movies for Tweens and Teens
5. Decorate Christmas Cookies (no they really aren’t too old). But you can take it up a notch by challenging them to get artistic using an icing kit and fancy sprinkles
6. Deliver treats to neighbors/Friends(leave on doorstep and Ding Dong Ditch)
7. Get them tween/teen friendly advent calendars (there are so many pop culture ones these days or other themed ones that are perfect for older kids)
8. Have a Hot Cocoa Bar
9. Do A Family Holiday Photo Scavenger Hunt
10. Make a Holiday Playlist with everyone’s suggestions
11. Choose 12 Random Acts of Kindness and do them as a family
12. Try Family Game Night With These Tween/Teen Approved Board Games
13. Family Shopping Night (Online Shopping works too. Have everyone get cozy on the couch with their computers and do some serious internet searches to see who can come up with the best gifts for everyone on your list!)
14. Everyone gets silly holiday themed socks
15. Christmas morning breakfast (same foods every year)
16. New pajamas, open Christmas Eve (Skip the matchy matchy and heck they don’t even have to be xmas ones)
17. Decorate the outside of your home together
18. Make S’mores by the fire
19. Play Family Style Minute To Win It Games
20. Family gift wrap night
21. Drive around town and look at Christmas lights
22. Decorate Ginger Bread Houses (or mansions). Make it a “friendly” competition and let them share their creations on social media.
23. Have a white elephant gift exchange (who can come up with the tackiest gift for under $5)
24. Special Christmas Eve Dinner: Fondue, Make Christmas Tree Shaped Pizza, Make Each Kid Their Favorite Dish or Just Have Cookies and Ice Cream for Dinner.
25. Go sledding, ice skating, have a snowball fight, build a snowman or some kind of holiday outdoor activity
26. Candlelight Church on Christmas Eve

These are just ideas to get you started, but maybe you can sit down together and come up with some better ones that your tweens/teens are more likely to enjoy. Overall, keep it simple and don’t pick too many. Your teens/tweens will be more willing to go along if you don’t get too overboard. Even just a few family traditions are all it takes to bring you together this time of year and perhaps you might just get a quick glimpse of those little elves still hidden inside those big kid bodies.

Other Tween and Teen Holiday posts you might find helpful.

Gifts for Tweens They Will Really Like

Gifts For Teens They’ll Actually Like!

Great Gifts for Teens Who Love The Outdoors

Great Gifts for Teens Who Love The Outdoors