Due to the current worldwide circumstances, most of us are finding that we have quite a bit more time on our hands. Or if we’re still having to work full-time, just suddenly from home, there’s a good chance your teen now has quite a bit of blank space on their schedule that could be put to better use.

It may feel like these days are never going to end. But before we know it, life will go back to normal and in no time at all our teens will be heading off to college and and a more independent life.

There are probably things that we’ve thought to ourselves “Oh, I should probably teach him/her to do that when we’ve got a few minutes.” Or perhaps some of the items below hadn’t even crossed your mind, but you’ll be like “yep, that would be kinda good for them to know.”

Oh, and if you think “surely they know how do that!” Ummm, don’t be so sure. I was shocked that my teen had NO idea how to address an envelope. But in their modern world of technology and email, many of these simple non-tech basics get easily overlooked and taken for granted.

Either way, these aren’t overly involved things and shouldn’t be too terribly stressful to teach. But there is no time like the present to check a few boxes on that “how to be a functioning adult” list.

50 Simple and Useful Life Skills You Can Teach Your Teen Quickly

1. Fill out a form (do they know all the info they would need like SS #)
2. Make an online appt. or an appt. by phone (role play works!)
3. Address an envelope (are you sure they know where the stamp goes?!)
4. Changing a lightbulb (different watts for different lights)
5. Replacing the batteries in the smoke detector
6. Fixing a blown fuse (breaker box)
7. Loading and Unloading the dishwasher
8. Running the dishwasher (what type and how much soap)
9. Safely using knives/ Chopping food/Sharpening knives
10. Ironing a shirt, pants or dress
11. Shining shoes
12. Sewing on a button
13. Writing a check (no they aren’t totally obsolete yet)
14. Paying a bill
15. Depositing a check using a banking app
16. Sending an online check or payment
17. Transferring funds online
18. Doing laundry/Folding Laundry
19. Cleaning the lint trap on the dryer and why
20. Unclogging a toilet or a drain
21. Using a vacuum and a mop
22. Sending a package
23. Wrapping a present
24. Setting up a basic budget
25. Different ways to cook an egg
26. Using a grill/ Cleaning grill
27. What medications to take for what symptoms
28. Mowing the lawn
29. Trimming trees or bushes
30. Identifying and pulling up weeds (other basic yardwork)
31. Checking the oil in the car
32. Changing a tire
33. Checking tire pressure and putting air in a tire
34. Writing a thank you note or email
35. Ordering food online or by phone
36. Creating a grocery list
37. Replacing the A/C filter
38. How to use basic tools (hammer, wrench, screwdriver)
39. Cooking a quick and simple meal (grilled cheese, quesadilla, pasta)
40. Putting gas in the car
41. Washing a car or going through a car wash
42. Folding a fitted sheet/Making a bed
43. Scanning and sending a document using an app
44. Getting a stain out of a garment or furniture
45. Signing their name (like in cursive)
46. Changing car wipers and refilling wiper fluid
47. Cleaning a toilet and a shower/tub
48. Dealing with customer service representatives politely by phone or online
49. Jump starting a car (jumper cables)
50. What can and can’t go in a microwave, stove, washing machine, etc.

I actually asked for input on this post from a ton of FB friends. I got some other excellent answers, but they were for things that aren’t exactly quick and easy to teach, but probably necessary like financial literacy and taxes. So, we’ll be working on a second post with tools and tips to help you if you want to tackle some of this bigger life skills while your teen has some time on their hands.

Raising Teens and Tweens can be hard. Maybe some of these other popular posts that other parents found helpful will make it a little bit easier:

How To NOT Raise Entitled Teens

Apps For Supporting Your Teen To Use Their Cell Phone Responsibly

How to Talk to Your Teen About Anxiety and Stress

Give Yourself Grace Mama, You’re Doing The Best That You Can

As the mom of three teenagers, it was so hard to watch the droves of Spring Breakers on the news last week. Their entitled attitudes during all those television interviews where they say that they aren’t scared of the virus or that they believe it’s media hype. I watched as they danced in large crowds, just as I did nearly 25 years ago on the same beach. I actually laughed out loud when I read one young man say, “I’m drinking enough Corona to kill the Corona!”

At first it made me angry at their selfishness. Then, I wondered if they disobeyed their parents’ pleas or ignored their threats or simply just didn’t give a crap. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

But mostly, it makes me wonder if I have done enough with my three teens?

They are only a few years away from college, and then they’ll be leading their own lives after that.

I can’t help wondering what their choices would be during a time like this. Would they rush home to help care for others or would they drive to a beach in Tampa to dance atop 10-foot-tall speakers?

While my kids are spending a few hours each day eLearning, I also want them to understand the significance of this extreme exercise we are all being asked to participate in at this moment.

I hope they learn more than algebra and chemistry and literature.

I hope they learn that they are a part of something greater than themselves. That their choices, no matter how insignificant they think they are, have a domino effect on others, on the economy, on the environment.

I hope they learn that “missing out” is in the eye of the beholder, and that sometimes doing what is right requires sacrificing our own wants and desires.

I hope they learn that they now have many ways to enjoy themselves and find gratification besides their phone. Taking walks, exercising, playing card games, finishing a puzzle, reading books, baking, creating art. For many, these activities are more satisfying to the soul then loud parties or being ignored by people you don’t like very much anyway.

I hope they learn that we can live on less than what we have.

I hope they learn that it’s okay to laugh even when you’re scared. That it’s okay to smile even when things look bad.

I hope they learn that it’s okay to slow down.

I hope they learn that family is often what you put into it, instead of only what you get out of it.

And I hope they learn that bored is the most overused verb in our modern time. Learning to find what makes you happy–and then doing more of that–is the greatest way to feel satisfied with your life. One thing I know for sure is that we never find what we love by scrolling our phones to see what others are doing with their lives.

This whole thing sucks. Plain and simple.

I can only hope we learn to make the best of it, and that we continue to learn how much we love and need each other.

Mamas, what is our deal?

Could we be any harder on ourselves? Honestly, think about all the energy we expend keeping ourselves on the hook for our failures. God knows we need someone to give us a break. Turns out all we need to do is look in the mirror because we are that someone. 

We are ruthless interrogators, constantly finding new ways to reprimand, shame, and devalue ourselves when we screw up. It’s as if we can’t handle the truth about who we are, which is love and goodness at the core, by the way.

We have a hard time accepting ourselves as perfectly imperfect women doing the best we can with what we know. This self-bashing needs to stop. Like yesterday.

Can you imagine if we treated our kids as poorly as we treat ourselves every time they made a mistake? If we went on and on with soul-crushing reminders about what they did wrong? No, we can’t imagine because we’d never do that! We love them too much. And therein lies the problem: we don’t love ourselves that much, or much at all sometimes. 

So how do we learn to self-forgive when it feels like we are wired to eat guilt for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? I started to unravel the answer to this question when I learned what Brené Brown has to say about shame and perfectionism.

For me, as a mom, it all starts with perfectionism. Maybe you relate to being driven by the need to be perfect when it comes to how you raise your kids. 

I’ve always tried to be a perfect mom because I never wanted my kids to hurt the way I did growing up. I never wanted them to suffer or experience any trauma, for sure not as a result of faulty mothering on my part. 

Then I heard this definition of perfectionism from Brené: where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.

Say again?

Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.

I don’t know about you, but this stopped me in my tracks. Especially when you also consider Brené’s definition of shame which she came up with after ten years of shame research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

OUCH.

My heart heaved. 

All this time I thought guilt was my problem. But guilt and shame are two very different things. Guilt says I did something bad, whereas shame says, I am bad. Huge difference. 

I’ve spent decades believing I was flawed and unworthy of love and belonging. No wonder I wanted to be a perfectionist—for all the wrong reasons. I haven’t been scarfing down guilt, but rather steeping in shame. Ugh.

I believe this is why so many of us struggle with self-forgiveness. If we think we have to earn or hustle for our worth, instead of just claiming something that’s already ours simply because we exist, then we’re going have a hard time ever finding it.

Note to ourselves: we are worthy of love and belonging. Period. We are good. Period. 

This is what we want our kids to believe, right? What’s true is always true. #truth

But here’s the other thing when it comes to self-forgiveness, again something I learned from Brené. The common thread she found in her research about forgiveness was this:

“Forgiveness is so difficult because it involves death and grief. When it came to studying forgiveness, I originally looked for patterns in my research for people extending generosity and love but not in people feeling grief. Given the dark fears we feel when we experience loss, nothing is more generous and loving than a willingness to embrace grief to be forgiven. To be forgiven is to be loved.”

So, Mamas, we need to love ourselves first if we want to forgive ourselves. Which means a necessary grieving about losing the construct we’ve established about being a perfect mother. When we let go of this unkind and unreasonable pursuit of perfection, we can heal and finally love the love we are made of. Finally put shame to rest and believe in our worth, offering ourselves grace when we have less-than moments along the way.

How freeing. 

How necessary.

How revolutionary.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parenting teens and tweens is hard,  but maybe it can be a little easier with these popular posts that other parents found helpful. 

Moms of Teens, Sometimes All You Can Do Is The Next Right Thing

Give Yourself Grace Mama, You’re Doing The Best That You Can

Dear son,

We argued this morning. I got ugly and my gosh, I hate when that happens.

You came down in a t-shirt and I said to go put on a warmer long sleeve shirt because it was freezing outside. Knowing you only wear a light jacket; you would need that extra layer. You resisted, saying you wanted to wear it and you never wear t-shirts anymore and lots of kids do at school. I told you no, not today. The month had been unseasonably warm, but now it had dropped into the single digits. Of all days to wear a short-sleeve shirt, this was NOT the day. Just NO.

And you argued about how much time it would take to go change shirts and you were going to be late. I told you that you had already wasted more time arguing about it than it would have taken to change the shirt. At this point, my voice was raised and my power switch was turned on and I demanded you go CHANGE THE SHIRT NOW. So, you did.

Hurrying to the car and driving to school, we were definitely going to be late. The tension lingered, I was still irritated, you were still aggravated, we were both sitting in a pool of this morning’s mess and stressed about it all. You very carefully and quietly whispered under your breath that had you not needed to change your shirt, you wouldn’t be late. And BAM, I came back at you- with my power switch back on and my voice raised. You stayed quiet as I preached my momsplanation with all the points I needed you to hear and understand. I forced it on you, giving you no room to respond.

I told you that you needed to work on getting ready for school earlier. That coming down that late would always make us stressed and you tardy. I proclaimed with full confidence that the 30 seconds it took you to run up and switch shirts was not the reason you were late, but rather the thirty minutes before that stupid interaction should have been managed better. I told you that you resisting and our arguing took longer than grabbing the stupid shirt. And then I repeated myself, just to make sure you got it.

I have every right to tell you to change shirts when it’s in the single digits.

I have every right to win this argument and even tell you that you need to manage your mornings better.

That is my job, that is my role in your life. Period.

You knew I would win this battle. You knew that your voice, your opinion, and your feelings had no merit this time around. I was heated and on a roll. I needed you to take responsibility for your mistakes and grow from them, yes.

But honestly, looking back on this morning’s ugliness, I realize I was wrong.

I did a terrible job validating you. I didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself, express yourself, defend yourself. I used my power and my voice to shut you down and you had no option but to listen to me rant while sitting in your captive silence in that car.

This morning was all about me winning the battle. It was about me making sure you did what I said. And to take it all the way to the top of my mom mountain, I made sure to make you feel really bad about it all. I made you sink into feeling like a failure…

Over a stupid shirt.

This was not a battle I needed to choose. It just wasn’t.

I picked the wrong battle to win and I’m sorry.

It doesn’t even matter what shirt you wear. Of course, to me it does, but in the big picture, who cares if your freezing cold for the one minute you walk from the car into school? Who cares if you want to wear your favorite short-sleeved shirt that you haven’t worn in months? Who cares about that? Why did I have to make such a mess of the morning on account of a stupid shirt?

Well, I’m overly anxious and worry about your health and safety and well-being on a ridiculous level. I know. That’s what started it all. I didn’t want you to be cold.

But this was not a battle worth losing my patience over and it was surely not a battle worth ruining the start of your day. It wasn’t a battle worth silencing your voice and raising mine. It just wasn’t and I wish I handled things better, calmer, with more respect for you- because you deserve that. You’ve earned that because you are a good kid.

Today started off terribly and it didn’t need to go so wrong.

I should have handled it better. I should not have lost control and gotten so angry.

I always try to listen to you and respect your opinion. I try to make sure you feel validated and heard when you desperately want to speak your truth on much more important things. And although I silenced you on this somewhat trivial issue, it still wasn’t right. I know you felt misunderstood and you had no way of explaining yourself and no way of sharing how stressed it all made you feel.

No matter how small or large the problem is, I want you to always be allowed to share how you feel. I want you to always believe your voice has value. It doesn’t matter if I disagree with what you say or if I sometimes think it’s ridiculous, you still deserve to be heard. Your feelings deserve to be validated.

In this family, you will always have a voice.

And today I failed at that very thing.

So I’m back at home reflecting on all those things you probably felt and didn’t get a chance to say…

You probably felt like it was no big deal to wear a short-sleeve shirt because everyone else does, so why did your mom make such a big deal about it? You probably thought you wouldn’t be that cold since you were only going to be outside for a few seconds, so why does it matter? You were probably super stressed because you knew you were running late and you hate being late to school.

Then you seeped some of your feelings out in the car and paid a heavy price for that. You had to stuff all those feelings of overwhelm and frustration back in because I didn’t allow you to let them out.

And you got out of that car, running into school late, starting your day stressed out, frazzled, frustrated, and hurt. I’m sure you were upset that you didn’t have a chance to really share how you feel about the whole thing and you felt like it all wasn’t fair. You were probably thinking “I hate when she gets so mad and doesn’t understand me. I didn’t even get a chance to explain.” And you were probably also pretty mad that you couldn’t wear that shirt.

And because of this mess, you began your 10-hour day of school and sports practice after, feeling awful, angry, and unheard.

And thinking about all those things you must have been going through makes my heart hurt. 

One of the most important things I always try very hard to do is start your days off with stability, security, and peace.

This morning I delivered the opposite.

I’m sorry you had such a terrible start to your day on account of a stupid shirt.

I picked the wrong battle to win and I’m sorry.

I’ll pick the next one with more self-control, wisdom, and maturity.

And when I pick you up after your long day, I’ll tell you all of this and allow you all the time you need to tell me exactly how you feel.

I’ll listen and validate your feelings, so your voice is restored.

And perhaps we’ll discuss you wearing your favorite shirt tomorrow.

This is a contributed post by Christine Carter. She writes at TheMomCafe.com, where she hopes to encourage mothers everywhere through her humor, inspiration, and faith. Her work is published on several various online publications and she is the author of “Help and Hope While You’re Healing: A woman’s guide toward wellness while recovering from injury, surgery, or illness.” and “Follow Jesus: A Christian Teen’s Guide to Navigating the Online World”. Both sold on Amazon.

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Give Yourself Grace Mama, You’re Doing The Best That You Can

In our modern world of participation trophies and me-centric parenting, entitlement is becoming a huge problem for teens today.

It is evident in their lack of work ethic and understanding of the value of a dollar, their inability to cope with the most minor obstacles and even their shortage of basic life skills. How many teens do you think make it to college without knowing how to wash a load of laundry or heat up a can of soup?

As parents, this epidemic of entitlement isn’t always intentional, but it does have to with some of the choices we are making. Sometimes we know better and sometimes its a reflection on the world we live in. But ultimately, both our kids and society will pay the price in the years to come. We are already seeing some of the disturbing results with millenials.

If you want to know how you can avoid raising entitled teens, here are a few things to think about and evaluate when it comes to your own parenting.

 Encourage Your Kids to Earn Their Money

If you want your children to value the things they own and have at least some simple grasp on how to manage finances, it’s essential to teach them to work for their own money.

Many parents believe that providing an allowance for chores around the house and keeping up a certain GPA accomplishes this same goal, but while it’s a start, it isn’t the same. Allowances are really more about contribution to a family unit and we’re not always good about enforcing the rules around it when life gets busy. It also lacks the accountability aspect of having to show up on time to a job, work with others and earning the respect of a manager and co-workers along with the chance to be rewarded with raises or even promotions. You know, real world stuff. The reality is when someone else gives our kids money for a job well done, it just means more, whether we like it or not.

There are many jobs for teenagers out there that would be good options for any teenager, even if they don’t have their own car yet. And by encouraging your teens to earn the money needed for the things they want, they will learn to appreciated those items more, and take care of them better.

Let Them Fail

This one is so hard for many parents. When we know that they are struggling, it’s tempting to want to step in and help. This is especially true when it’s something that we feel is important to their future success, like grades. But we don’t realize that while we may be fixing one problem for them, we’re only creating future obstacles to their success.

If you want your teens to be less entitled, you have to let them fail! This means letting your teens face the pain and disappointment of not being as good at something as they’d like to be, or having to cope with the natural consequences that come when they don’t put their best foot forward.

Life is not always going to be kind and they won’t always reach their goals or get what they want, but learning how to deal with these failures is a critical life lesson. They have to develop the internal drive and grit to not let these set-backs permanently undermine them. When they fail, but then they dust themselves off and get back up to face their next challenge, it helps them to recognize their own strength and resilience.

Foster Responsibility and Self Sufficiency at Home

Teenagers are not always the most self-motivated individuals, we might even go so far as to call them lazy on occasion. This is why it is essential that our teens are given chores at home and we don’t constantly find ourselves doing things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. We need to be parenting at this stage realizing that adulthood is only a few years away and they need to be prepared.

So to that end, here is the really important part. You need to make sure you hold them accountable for these chores and other expectations of personal responsibility and enforce consequences when they aren’t holding up their end of things.

You shouldn’t be walking around reminding them all the time. That’s unpleasant for everyone and usually means they’ll just push back all that much more. Or even worse, don’t get so fed up that you just do their chores for them. Both are bad outcomes for your teen and reinforce entitled attitudes.

Ultimately, its up to them to know the chores they have to complete each week and the quality standards that are required. They will inevitably procrastinate or complain they have too much homework or their schedule is too busy. But this is life, the demands on their time are only going to increase and they need to figure out how to create some balance.

Be clear about the consequences for not finishing chores or showing a lack of responsibility (wet towels always left on the floor, dirty dishes not put in the dishwasher, missing curfews, chronic lateness, returning the car with no gas, etc). These consequences could include having phone/technology privileges revoked, being grounded from going out with friends or if their old enough, it could even mean losing driving privileges. But don’t give them warnings or nag them, just be clear about expectations and consequences and when the expectations aren’t met, enforce the consequences quickly and with no negotiation.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t times to give your kids some grace and pitch in if they’ve gotten into a funk or they’re overwhelmed and feeling burnt out with school obligations. It’s okay to help them out from time to time, but you don’t want to turn into a live-in maid service for your teens.

Hold Your Ground

Teenagers live very much in the RIGHT NOW. They can feel like their life will surely be over if they don’t have a certain type of social media account or aren’t wearing the latest fashion trends or getting to go to that concert two hours away until late at night that everyone else’s parents have said is okay.

Our teenagers will nag us, plead with us and when that doesn’t work they will resort to emotional blackmail or verbal abuse (I HATE YOU!) to get you to bend to their will and give in to their demands.

If you want to say no, say no! Don’t ever feel obligated to say yes or change a no to a yes simply because you don’t want to deal with the confrontation.

Boundaries are an important part of becoming a mature, compassionate and healthy person on so many levels. First and foremost, both our girls and boys need to be clear that “no means no”, whether they are the one saying it or being told. Boundaries also teach respect, both for other people and for yourself. All of these lessons are natural antidotes to entitlement.

Your teenager really will be much better off after they’ve graduated high school and beyond by the example you set by holding your ground and showing them the value and the power of the word “no”.

We can point fingers or blame everything from the TV they choose to watch down to the social media platforms they’re on. But at the end of the day, when it comes to entitle teens, the buck stops with us.

Hopefully these insights will not only help to ensure you don’t raise entitled teens, but that you also end up with adult children that you really like, admire and respect. And the added bonus, those kinds of adult kids will recognize and be grateful that you raised them well.

Connection.

This need is often the most significant missing piece between us as parents and our teens. Both connection in the way we communicate (or don’t) and how we relate to their world, be it their emotions or interests.

Our teens often feel like we are ancient, clueless, and uncool, among other less than desirable traits. We often feel like they are disrespectful, ungrateful, and impossible to reason with.

Neither scenario is really true all the way through. Much of what we perceive is a projection in both directions, fueled by fear and uncertainty—not mention frayed nerves and emotional overload.

The thing is, our teens crave connection. They need to feel seen, heard, and understood. Mostly they want these affirmations from their peers because, to them, only their peers could possibly “get them.” How could we, their olderish, authoritative, annoying parents ever meet them where they’re at? And there is some truth to their line of reason.

It’s difficult to meet them where they’re at when they shut us out and communicate more with eye roles and exasperation. It’s also difficult because we haven’t lived through the pressures, temptations, and emotional whirlwind that make up their current cultural landscape.

Sometimes the only way to wiggle our way into our teen’s world is by connecting with them in unique ways. My husband and I did this by being very intentional in learning something about our teen’s passions. 

My oldest son loves to cook. So when he was a teen, we began cooking together a few times a month. I always let him pick the recipe even if the food wasn’t something I particularly enjoyed. I’d let my son call the shots and make any creative changes to the recipe by adding ingredients or leaving some out. Doing so gave him full control over something, allowed him to explore, and gave me a chance to learn “from him.” Since he always felt like I was trying to control, teach, and be the boss, the opportunity for him to be in charge helped soften the edges.

My oldest son also went through an EMO (emotional) phase at 13 and began dressing in dark clothing and hooded sweatshirts. He straightened his hair, wore long bangs to cover his face, and listened to dark, depressing music. This season was a gut-wrenching and scary time for all of us. We did undergo family counseling, but my husband also met our son where he was at.

One day he took him to get a haircut, and my husband had our stylist straighten his hair and style his bangs down over his face just like my sons (he happened to have hair long enough to do that). I still cherish the picture we took.

My husband also took our son to see his favorite EMO bands in concert. Did he like the music? Not a chance. Did he appreciate the depressing lyrics? Nope. They scared both of us. But we learned the lyrics and affirmed our son’s passion for this music—all while praying ourselves raw I might add. We asked our son to tell us why he liked the lyrics so we could discuss their deeper meaning. When we felt some of the lyrics were harmful and dangerous to listen to, instead of banning the music all together we teamed up with a dear friend of ours and did research to find Christian bands that were a similar genre as the screamo and heavy-metal music he liked. This way my son was able to listen to the sounds that appealed to him but not be influenced by unhealthy messages.

These are just two examples of how we tried to meet our kids in their teen worlds. The opportunities are endless. We can learn how to play their favorite video game and then take them on—even if we can’t stand the premise or think it’s a waste of time. We can read a book with them and discuss it—letting them pick the book even if it’s something we don’t care to read. We could learn an instrument together or take up a hobby that our teen has expressed interest in trying.

Regardless of what we do, just the act of leaning in and being willing to learn about or participate in something important to them is often disarming enough for us to break through and connect. Anything that puts our teen in the driver seat as a means of helping us find common ground is worth a try.

Even if your teen says no to your suggestions, don’t give up. Keep pursuing new ideas until you find something that gets their attention. Our teens need us in more ways than they will ever admit. Connecting with them beyond the typical parent-child relationship allows them to get their fix without even having to ask for our love and involvement.

Raising teens is one of the hardest things we do as parents. Being a teen is one of the hardest things our kids do as humans. But together, we survive and conquer.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

I’m not sure what the hardest part is about raising teenagers. The answer is probably different for every parent. But I’ve learned something valuable about the hard part of dealing with their hurtful behaviors.

You know, behaviors like snarky responses to our genuine questions, judgments about our well-meaning actions, and the seemingly overnight transition into someone who appears to despise our very existence. I don’t care how many people warn us about this impending stage, nothing prepares our mom heart for the confusion and hurt that washes up onto the shore of our soul.

I mean, how is it that all the love we have poured into our child from day one— the love they have always welcomed with open arms, suddenly becomes an aggravation and intrusion? How is it that basic questions and requests of them are now acts of war? When did we become the worst person on the planet when just yesterday we were their everything? 

All we have to do is think back to when we were teens to find the answers. 

It won’t take us long to remember how much we were dealing with internally. Insecurity, confusion, rejection, shame, and loneliness are just a few of the everyday emotions we dealt with while trying to find our way. We wanted nothing more than to belong and to be seen by our peers. To fit in, be enough, and have value. Meanwhile, unruly hormones had their way with us, adding to the daily mix of emotional Armageddon. 

When you consider that our peers were dealing with the same mess of feelings—all of us trying to stumble our way through the turmoil, it’s no wonder we struggled to find balance and normalcy and acceptance for who we were, as is. Just like our teens, the upheaval ignited our poor behaviors and hurtful actions toward our parents. They couldn’t possibly understand us when we couldn’t understand ourselves. 

The aha moment for me was remembering that my teens were also dealing with these same debilitating emotions and then recognizing that I was actually mirroring similar emotions as a mom. Sobering. And so very human.

When my kids lashed out with disrespect, said very hurtful things, or rejected my love, a slow stream of insecurity, confusion, shame, and unworthiness started to trickle out of my veins. I wanted nothing more than to feel like I still belonged in their world and longed to be seen by my child. I wanted to be enough for them and to have value as their mother.  

We all do. That’s the calling card of motherhood.

It’s no wonder the teenage years are wrought with so much tension and inner anguish for parents and children. We are literally walking in each other’s shoes, yet everything feels like we are miles apart. What a paradox.

So, to save us both, I made a mental shift to see my teens as lost souls trying to make sense of a raging sea of uncertainty. Then I gave myself similar grace as I learned to swim in the same murky water. 

One of us has to stop identifying our worth based on the behavior of others. And it’s unlikely to be our teen because they are surrounded by peers who are all measuring themselves up against one another. That’s the only thing they know how to do in the trenches of becoming independent and figuring out who they are.

But we can show them another way by doing our best to remain rooted in the truth that we are valuable and worthy just as we are regardless of how our teens act and react toward us. Of course, this is not to say we become doormats and let them get away with blatant disrespect. It’s just that we see through the meanness to the pain lurking underneath and try not to take their wrath personally. 

I wish I could say that this new way of looking at things made everything easier for me. The truth is, my kids still lash out and say hurtful things at times even though they are in their 20s, and the sting still hurts. A lot. But the turnaround time on my heartbreak is much better. The other truth is I still act out sometimes even though I’m two months shy of 50. Fear has a way of bringing out the worst in us. The good news is, love has a way of bringing out the best. 

May we all do our best to survive the changing tides and find the strength to shine on through the heartache, knowing and trusting that at some point, our teens will push through these waves and find their way to the shore of our love again.

You have my heart…

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

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Grief can be a heavy burden for anyone who has lost a loved one.

While we may remember losing a loved one as a child, it’s not until we are in our teenage years that we begin to really understand the profound loss that comes with someone passing.

Sometimes there are just no right words to say when someone has lost someone close to them. As a parent, sometimes the best we can do is do the next right thing and hope that it’s enough to help our teens get through this difficult time.

For those times when words are not enough, here are a few powerful young adult books that will helps teens cope with grief.

History is All You Left Me

This book focuses on what is grief, mental illness, and the consequences that can happen when we refuse to let go of the past. For teens who are experiencing grief, this might be a great book to read to help them understand their feelings.

We Are Okay

This book is a great example of what grief can feel like. Grief is a powerful emotion that can be difficult to understand, and this book does a great job of putting it in a story setting your teen can relate to.

The Names They Gave Us

This book is a wonderful read for teens who are grieving! It can not only help them understand what they are going through, but also share with them examples of how different people grieve.

Goodbye Days

Goodbye Days answers the longing question of what would you do if you could spend one more day with someone you lost. This read is a great for teens who are playing the what if game in dealing with their loss.

Straight Talk about Death for Teenagers

For teens who are experiencing the loss of a loved one, this book is a great option. This guide will help them navigate and learning healthy coping mechanisms.

They Both Die At The End

This book gives a new light and understanding to those who may be feeling like “what’s the point if we all die anyway.” This book is a great option for teens who are stuck in the feelings of nothing matters during their grieving process.

The Beauty that Remains

This book follows the story of three different people after they’ve lost a loved one. This book is a great option for showing different ways of grieving and how it can help build connections.

The Grieving Teen

If you have a teen who is struggling to work through their pain and grief, consider getting them this book. This book provides helpful tools in this book that will help them work through their pain in a healthy way. Compared to other young adult books that help teens deal with grief, this one is one of the more practical help books.

No matter the reason that your teen is grieving, I hope one or all of these books provide them with comfort during this difficult time. While some of them may help them deal with these complex emotions, others provide an outlet for their grief.

Whatever your teen might need during this difficult time, there is a good chance one or more of these powerful YA books will help your teen cope with grief.

Parenting Teens and Teens is HARD work and you need all the support you can get. Try one of these popular posts that other parents found helpful.

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