Inside: Teenage boys can be a lot. Their brain is firing on all cylinders, or sometimes not at all. Here are five tips to help you get along with your teen son.
Teen boys. Whoa.
They are mysterious and maddening, hilarious and endearing. They are brilliant but foolish, capable but childish. They are each unique in their own way with different needs and desires, strengths, and traits.
But I think it’s safe to say that parenting teen boys requires a multitude of heroic feats that require superhero-style patience, flexibility, stamina, and relentless sacrifice mixed with a heaping dose of grace.
Parents of teen boys deserve praise and acknowledgment for one of the hardest jobs there is. (Alongside parenting teen girls, of course. I’ve done that too!)
The past few months with my teen son have been intense.
This past year, my teen son and I have spent a ton of time together due to circumstances in our family and him suffering from a serious sports injury.
It hasn’t always been easy. We have had heated brawls where neither of us would back down because teens believe they are always right–and well, we parents do too.
But my teen son and I have also had an enormous amount of growth in developing a deeper connection and appreciation for one another. I’m figuring out what works and what clearly does not in how to get along with my teen boy, so I wanted to pass on some lessons I’m learning to you.
Learn what he loves and join him in his world.
Whatever your teen boy is into, make sure you take a serious interest in that too.
Let him teach you what he loves as you dedicate your time and invest your energy in his pursuits with enthusiasm and support. Join him in his world whether you think you’ll enjoy it or not. Take an interest in what shows he’s watching or music he’s listening to, what video games he’s playing, or what new hobbies he likes.
Whether it’s athletics or art, rock climbing or robotics, whatever is important to him should be important to you. It might take you out of your comfort zone, but being present and engaged in his world will nourish a strong bond with your boy. You’ll learn so much about him in ways you never could had you not made a concerted effort to get involved.
Over the last several months, my son and I have spent countless hours in the car together. During the long road trips to visit family, I would have loved to listen to my audiobooks while he had his earbuds in, jamming to his music.
Instead, he brought his Bluetooth speaker and shared all his favorite songs, explaining in detail, why he liked them.
He’d often warn, “There are lots of swear words in this one mom, but the story is really good.” Sometimes he read lyrics to me so I understood the message and meaning of different songs.
We started to look forward to our long car rides together. He adds more songs to his playlist regularly, filling up a full variety we continue to enjoy every time we get in the car. I still cringe with some of them and just endure those until the end.
But my son now makes sure to play all my newfound favorites, and surprisingly, I actually love most of them.
Pick your battles wisely and fight them wisely too.
I have failed at this time and time again, but I’m slowly learning how to let go of some things for the greater good of our relationship and focus more on the end goal of my parenting.
I’ve painfully realized that in order for my son to develop healthy, responsible habits, I need to patiently endure the sometimes agonizingly slow process and not battle him every step of the way. It takes time for anyone to learn life skills, and teens take a tremendous amount of time doing pretty much anything.
Amiright?
So, I’m trying to pick the battles that promote growth, instead of preventing it. Some battles are definitely worth fighting, but others hinder rather than help my teen learn.
Now that my son and his friends have their licenses, he’s enjoying more freedom. With this new season, I’m trying to teach him many new skills and help him form new habits too.
One of the standards I’ve set is when he is out and about, he needs to notify me of any changes in his location. And not surprisingly, he will often forget.
Every time I get a notification on Life 360 that he has gone somewhere new, I text to remind him of this rule. He often responds quickly with an apology and some explanation as to why he forgot or hadn’t yet informed me of the change.
As much as I want to take away his privilege of independence, I know this new-forming habit and many others will take time to master, so I don’t.
I’ve decided to not engage in this particular battle, but rather patiently endure the process. This leads me to my next tip.
Patience and grace are more effective than punitive punishment.
I’ve learned the hard way that oftentimes my urgency to teach my son how to be responsible and respectful can backfire on me if I push too hard with critical condemnation.
Simply put, when raising teens, being flexible and forgiving leads to a much better outcome.
I’ve also learned that if I set limits that are too strict, my kid can’t practice all these new skills and participate responsibly in life. He will need constant reminders and countless teaching moments until he gets it right. He will surely fail at times, but don’t we all mess up when we are learning new things?
Positive encouragement works much better than critical judgment.
My son is slowly starting to succeed in developing many skills with his newfound independence and my enduring patience.
My end goal is more important than the infuriating missteps along the way, so I choose my intervention according to its effectiveness of what I want the result to be. I must remember that I am teaching a child adult things, and I must understand what makes him feel motivated and helps him succeed.
When I want to slam down my punishment, I first consider how and why he’s struggling to uphold my expectations. I’ll even ask him how I can help him accomplish whatever goals he’s unable to meet so we can find a method that works for him.
My son is finally remembering to text me his location updates, after several ongoing reminders (and I confess, some angry threats). I think this particular habit is starting to hold, along with others he’s still forming.
I will (deep breaths) continue to be a patient parent instead of a combative captain.
Read the room before you speak, and assess your kid before you set your agenda.
I often have an ongoing to-do list for my son. I know he needs a steady stream of regular reminders to uphold his responsibilities but I’ve learned to first ask him how he’s doing before I bombard him with my agenda.
Doing this helps me understand his mood along with his own plans and goals before I impart my own. If he is preoccupied with something that recently occurred or seems stressed with what he already has on his own plate, I know that throwing out my “to-do” list will not be effective. It will only add more strain to our relationship and more stress to his life.
I’ve learned that sometimes letting go of my demands is best for his mental health and our relationship. Of course, there are timely tasks that need to be addressed, and responsibilities he needs to uphold.
But just like us adults, there are times we are more open to hearing people tell us what to do and more motivated to get things done. I always consider this before I present my parenting instructions. And sometimes, when I ask him how he’s doing and what his plans are for the day, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn my son actually has created a to-do list similar to mine!
When he randomly starts to talk, stop whatever you’re doing and listen closely.
Teen boys have a longstanding reputation for opening up at the most surprising and often inconvenient times. But when they do, this is your chance to cherish these gems of hidden gold buried deep in their mines that they are choosing to excavate for you.
Stay available and don’t miss these moments. You will learn so much about your kid when he exposes his secret thoughts and desires, fears and doubts. Listen intently and don’t interrupt. Let him teach you who he is and only offer your input if he asks.
I’ve found these floods of his inner thoughts and feelings to be the most powerful and informative gifts my son has given me through the years.
Your relationship is a learning experience for you both.
Last night, I checked Life360 around midnight to locate my son. His curfews are customized according to the day and activity, but I realized I had forgotten to give him an exact time. I saw he was heading home but stopped somewhere along the way, so I texted him asking where he was and why he didn’t update me on his location.
He explained that they were dropping off his friend and talking in the car, and he’d be home soon. (Ah, got it. Good boy.)
He made last-minute plans to go out with his friends to Dave and Buster’s and didn’t leave until 9:30, so I knew it would be a late night. We had originally planned to watch the 18th Marvel movie together since we set a goal to watch them all this summer. I am probably the only person who hasn’t had the desire to see any of them, so he wanted to share each one with me in chronological order.
Who knew I’d be into Marvel movies? I’m hooked.
My husband is amazed that I’m watching these movies and actually enjoying them too. (Honest confession: I’m enjoying the special time with my son more than any of the Marvel movies.)
As I was falling asleep on the couch awaiting my son’s return, he came through the door full of energy wanting to talk about everything. I struggled to stay awake but slowly engaged in the conversation, knowing that now was one of those rare moments I didn’t want to miss.
The dam had opened and all his hidden insides poured out as I listened diligently and soaked in the layers of his life my boy was allowing me to see.
Still wide awake, he then suggested we watch his favorite TikTok videos, so I pushed my tired eyes to view them all on his phone while we snuggled on the couch, staying up past 2:30 am.
Last night we somehow got it right, and I reaped my reward of building our relationship.
I don’t always make the right choices.
I fail at so many things often.
But I’ll keep learning how to communicate and relate to my teen boy as I raise him through all his growing pains and triumphant gains of becoming a man.
After launching my teen girl out into the world, I’m painfully aware of our limited time together. I want to teach him as much as I possibly can before he leaves.
But I also want to build a strong bond with him before he goes because this will matter most when he’s grown and on his own.
Raising teen boys is tough. We liked this book, Parenting Teen Boys: A Positive Parenting Approach to Raising Healthy, Independent Sons. From Amazon: Teen boys face a lot of unique struggles, especially these days, and figuring out how to guide them can sometimes be challenging. Enter Parenting Teen Boys. This book includes advice based on positive parenting principles that will help you support and connect with your son during this important time in your lives.
This is a contributed post by Christine Carter. She writes at TheMomCafe.com, where she hopes to encourage mothers everywhere through her humor, inspiration, and faith. Her work is published on several various online publications and she is the author of “Help and Hope While You’re Healing: A woman’s guide toward wellness while recovering from injury, surgery, or illness.” and “Follow Jesus: A Christian Teen’s Guide to Navigating the Online World”. Both sold on Amazon.
Parenting teens and tweens is no easy task, but we’ve got more helpful posts to help you:
Five Simple Ways to Connect with Your Son When They Stop Talking
How to Encourage Teen Boys to Be More In Touch with Their Emotions
This Is The Type Of Conversation That Will Build Trust And Connection With Your Teen
The Best Connections – How To Have Fun Together With Your Teen
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