Even When You Have Great Kids, It's Still Exhausting Raising Teenagers

About a decade ago, my three young daughters and I rode up a hotel elevator with a couple who appeared to be in their fifties.

They gushed at the girls who were in their fancy dinner dresses, and then turned their heads to me and said, “Oh, you have no idea the storm that is coming at you. Three teenagers at once! And all girls! We barely survived our two who just left for college . . .”

They went on and on for about 17 floors until we finally escaped.

Once back in our room, I seethed. I mean, like I didn’t already know that we had to pay for three proms, three college educations, and three weddings, but how bad could it really be to raise teenagers?

So awful that you stop strangers to share your sob stories and talk about how tiring it all is?

I found it hard to believe.

Parenting teens is exhausting for everyone.

And now, as I sit in the middle of raising three teenagers, I understand these parents who stopped me so many years ago.

I feel them.

Because even when you’re raising good kids, which I think I am, it is still so exhausting for so many reasons:

1. It’s the worry.

It’s the worry that you carry around with you at all times—about their choices and their friends and managing their emotions. It’s about walking a bridge made of fragile trust, hoping they are where they say they are, doing what they are supposed to be doing.

It’s wondering if they are spending too much time with their friends or too much time in their rooms. It’s the pain of their rejection, their loneliness, their mental health. It’s wanting to do it right even when you feel like you are doing everything wrong.

And always praying they don’t use that phone, which is incessantly glued to their hands, for something dumb.

2. Under constant pressure

It’s the mounting pressure of academics in high school, and even middle school. It’s having strong students and wondering if they are working too hard. It’s watching your struggling student get frustrated at every turn.

It’s worrying about SAT scores and building a college application and should they take one more AP class? It’s trying to figure out how to send your child to her dream school without racking up debt that lasts for two lifetimes. It’s wanting to encourage your child to chase their dream but also wanting them to be able to pay their bills.

3. It’s a changing world

It’s the fear of the unknown at every turn, the belief your kid is learning responsibility, but that danger lurks in every corner.

It’s date rape drugs and school shootings and a friend driving them home that texts and drives. It’s bullying and sexual assault and a private text message or photo getting sent around school.

It’s political strife and social media and climate change.

It’s wanting to keep them in their childhood just a little bit longer while preparing them for what comes next.

4. It’s doing allthethings

It’s the constant stress of getting your kids to all the places they need to be at all hours of the day and night—and carrying the mental load of remembering everything. It’s 6 a.m. practices and 2 a.m. pick-ups from school trips. It’s parent meetings and fundraisers and tutoring. It’s dances and parties and youth group.

It’s wanting them to experience all they can while trying to fit in quality time in every spare moment. It’s trying to chase your dreams while helping your teen chase theirs.

5. It’s picking and choosing your battles.

It’s the never-ending weight of wondering if you are screwing this whole parenting thing up. It’s the fights about messy bedrooms and the nitpicking about bowls left in the sink. It’s about questioning every decision and determining that sometimes you honestly are the only parent saying no—and learning to be OK with it.

It’s about wanting to make your teen’s lunch one morning and getting frustrated that they don’t put the lid back on the peanut butter when they do it themselves. It’s about the excruciating pain when they pull away from your touch and the surge of relief when they walk though your door at the end of each day. It’s about the exhausting attempts to communicate with your child knowing that most times the only way to get your teen to talk is by keeping your mouth shut.

6. It’s about facing your demons

It’s about dealing with your own past and not wanting to repeat it. It’s about wanting to give your kids more than you had but not too much. It’s about not giving in to your fears about the world and putting those worries on your kids.

“It’s about being the change you want to see in your relationship with your teen and putting in the work to understand your thoughts and what your emotions are telling you. It’s questionioning the stories you are speaking and the limiting beliefs you are clinging to,” according to Shelby Spear, author.

Parenting teens is both the most challenging and the most beautiful thing I have ever done, maybe ever will do.

I know I’m raising great kids.

They work hard, are (mostly) kind, and know right from wrong. They are good-natured and driven. They want to change the world for the better.

But raising teenagers with surging hormones and developing brains and impulse controls that move faster than a speeding bullet comes with a lot of stress.

I don’t know a parent of teens who does not worry, is not tired, and doesn’t feel exhausted by it all.

Parenting is a marathon, but that last few miles before your kids go out on their own? Well, that’s a sprint uphill in pouring rain—even when you know you’re raising good kids.

And maybe we’re exhausted because that’s the way we know we’re doing it right, which is only to say we’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got.

Parenting teens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Here are a few popular posts other parents enjoyed:

Everything You Need to Know About Raising Teens in 50 Simple Steps

Parenthood During the Teen Years Is Difficult If You Are an Empath

How to Incorporate Gratitude Into Your Challenging Life with Teenagers

Raising teens IS hard, but this book really can help.

We love the book Parenting Teens with Love & Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood. It’s a practical guide for interacting with your teens in a loving way that takes out the power struggle.

Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays about Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.

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Even When You Have Great Kids, It’s Still Exhausting Raising Teenagers