I was a girl so I thought I knew what to expect as my daughters approached puberty. I had the talks about how their bodies would change and I like to think I was open to their questions and concerns. Knowing how ambivalent girls can feel about all this, I tried my best to be matter-of-fact about it all and to treat puberty like what it is, a perfectly normal part of growing up. But even given my own personal experience, and all the advice I had gleaned by consuming SO MANY parenting articles and books, there were some things that surprised me, particularly the intensity that these new hormones can bring. (Not to mention that like all other parenting milestones, each child’s experience is different – new surprises were around every corner.)
Signs of Puberty in Girls
Up until the tween years, girls and boys tend to develop mostly along parallel paths. But starting around middle school, girls seem to rocket past the boys, both physically and emotionally. This is largely due to the hormonal changes that occur with puberty.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, girls start puberty between the ages of 8 and 13, with menstruation generally starting around age 12. Black and Hispanic girls tend to start puberty about six months earlier.
Outward signs:
- Growth of pubic and underarm hair
- Growth of breasts
- Increased oil in skin and potential acne
- Growth spurts
- Menstruation
Related: Why Are Teen Girls Struggling So Much Right Now?
Eight Non-Physical Changes to Expect as Your Teen or Tween Girl Goes Through Puberty
The physical changes that come with puberty are just the tip of the iceberg. Surging hormones and a still-developing brain truly make these years a rollercoaster ride, both for teen girls and those who live with them. But also be prepared for some “interesting” emotional changes, including the following:
1. They might have a new focus on appearance.
Yes, of course they will have physical changes, but they will also likely dress differently. While tweens often try to hide the early signs of puberty, teen girls have had some time to come to terms with these changes and once the other girls catch up with the early bloomers, the embarrassment at being different seems to wane. Girls may shed baggy clothing for tighter, form fitting ensembles. Some will push the limits of their parents’ tolerance, opting for ever shorter hemlines on both skirts and shirts. They may start to experiment with makeup and spend an inordinate amount of time watching TikTok videos on contouring (and more money that you want to think about at Ulta).
2. There are So. Many. Emotions.
Even if you think you remember everything about your own teenage years, there are some things you may have conveniently blocked out, like the rush of emotions that come with changing hormones. I had all but forgotten what a hot mess I was as a teen, frequently sobbing in my mother’s arms because I was left out of something or the boy I liked seemed to be interested in someone else. But when my daughters hit that age, it all came flooding back. From my older and wiser perspective, I knew this that these things hardly warranted the tears and silently thought it was all ridiculous. While doing my best to provide comfort, I wondered how my mother held it together during those turbulent years.
Then, of course, there’s the emotional outbursts that are literally about nothing. (And if you are lucky enough to be parenting a teen girl during perimenopause, you can relate.) I remember walking into a room to find a crying daughter. When I asked why she was crying, the answer came through sobs, “I don’t know!” If you are a fixer, you will struggle through this time. You can try to talk to them, but sometimes all you can do is provide hugs, distractions and trips for ice cream.
3. There will be tantrums.
Expect to see some toddler behavior. There may be demands for trendy items or increased independence. You will hear, “But everyone else has this/is allowed to!” Don’t believe it. Almost every other parent is having the same argument behind closed doors. If your family’s values and budget don’t allow for frivolous purchases, you dare to set a curfew, or you simply cannot find it in you to agree to a mixed sex sleepover, you may see the eruption of some toddler behavior. [Note: If your teen says you are ruining their life and they hate you, it will pass. They may even thank you for it in a few years.]
4. Friends become more important than family.
At least it will look that way. Peer acceptance is very important at this age. Your daughter may confide in you less and appear to keep secrets from you. This is not only normal, but often innocuous. Those secrets are just as likely to be about mildly embarrassing moments as they are to be about serious issues like substance abuse or eating disorders. Or they may be secrets that aren’t theirs to tell, such as who their best friend is crushing on.
Studies show that teens value their parents’ opinions and advice, but they are also learning that there is much more to the world than they have previously been exposed to. Get to know their friends. Spend time with them in social situations or offer to be the chauffeur. If you are seen as a trusted adult, they may even confide in you when faced with challenging or frightening situations.
5. Friends will come and go.
You may have one or several extra “daughters’ in your life, those friends that have been around so long that they have become family. The changes that come with puberty sometimes cause girls to find realign their relationships. It’s always a good thing to make new friends, but it can be sad to watch old ones drift away. This can happen for a multitude of reasons, such as changes in interests, unresolvable conflicts, or an overabundance of teen drama. Then of course, there is the question of popularity and the rise at this age of “mean girl” attitudes. This is one area where it may be best to butt out. If you must, mourn privately for that friend you really liked, and remind your teen to be kind, but don’t try to force friendships.
Related: 10 Things Girls Need from Their Moms During These Tough Teenage Years
6. Teen girls like to eat.
Although movies like to portray teen girls picking at their food and drinking diet sodas (and you may remember the same of your teen years), this doesn’t hold true, at least when girls are at home. While teen boys deservedly have a reputation for cleaning out the pantry, girls can also be voracious snackers. Learn what their favorites are (and keep up – this may change often) and keep a steady supply. Being known as the house with the good snacks can make it more likely to be the place they hang out with friends, offering you a fascinating window into their lives.
7. They are curious about sex.
If you haven’t talked openly about sex in your household, your daughter may not come to you with questions, but by high school, the kids at school are talking about sex (and since teens seem to think adults are invisible, they do so much more openly than one would think). If you want them to have accurate information, you may need to initiate a conversation about sex.
Teen girls may receive unsolicited pictures of a sexual nature and/or be asked to send pictures of themselves in seductive poses with or without clothing. They may feel pressure to have sexual encounters, which may or may not include intercourse or become the victim of sextortion. Open communication can help them navigate these situations and know when to ask an adult to step in to help.
8. They may have strong opinions, and they will share them.
Teens today know more about the world then we did at their age. They have 24/7 access to news from around the world and have access to people living in very different places and circumstances. Many of our teens have strong political opinions, which may or may not agree with ours. This can result in animated or even intense dinner conversations. Girls are increasingly more political, getting their information not only from Teen Vogue and celebrities, but also via social media platforms like TikTok.
This Time Can Be Tough on Dads
The physical changes that come with puberty are much more pronounced with girls than boys. This can sometimes cause awkwardness between girls and their fathers. Many girls aren’t comfortable talking to dad about things like bras and periods. Dads who may have roughhoused with their younger daughters, may feel uncomfortable now that their little girls look more like women. Then of course there’s the issue of BOYS. Dads, sometimes more than moms, think about teenagers having sex, and may be freaked out by the thought that anyone would think of their daughter in that way.
Dads can help by keeping the conversations going and affirming their love and pride in their daughters. This is not the time to back off – keep showing up for events and giving affection. Pay her honest compliments. Be willing to talk about sensitive topics and answer questions. Studies show that girls with supportive and engaged fathers are more likely to have academic and career success. The Institute for Family Studies says that involved dads can also help reduce the likelihood of “early sexual initiation teenage pregnancy, dating violence, and risky sexual behavior.”
Looking for a little extra encouragement in this tumultuous phase of raising teen girls?
We recommend Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love by Whitney Fleming. In Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love, blogger Whitney Fleming shares her favorite essays about raising three teenagers in today’s chaotic world. Written from the perspective of a fellow parent, each story will leave you with tears in your eyes and hope in your heart because someone else is saying exactly what’s been going through your mind.
Raising teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
More Than 100 of the Absolutely Best Gift Ideas for Teen Girls
This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers
Words Can Crush Our Teen Girls For A Lifetime, Here’s How To Help
10 Commons Battles that Will Destroy the Relationship with Your Teen
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