Inside this post: The rewards of nurturing a healthy relationship with your teen’s friends
This is a contributed post by Mehr Lee. Follow her on social media @raiseherwild.
So it happens. The teenage take over.
When these growing humans invade your house, it might start with a scattering of bikes in the yard, a pile of shoes by the front door, followed by the clearing of cabinets, emptying of fridges, and crowding of couches.
They settle in, making themselves right at home.
It can be overwhelming, the way they take over your living space, but it’s also kind of beautiful how they take over your heart.
Related: I Love Being “That” House Where Those Messy and Loud Teenagers Hang Out
Peer relationships become more important in adolescence
As our children outgrow craving our company and start to gravitate toward only wanting to hang out with their friends, it’s likely to cause a pang of grief for us as parents. It can feel like your teen is rejecting you.
But it also can feel pretty wonderful. We get to watch them grow new and strong relationships. We get to see them finding their people.
The truth is, over time, their people start to become our people. As they grow up alongside our children, we start to love these kids as if they were our own. They become our family.
Parents can have profound influence on teenagers
All too often, we underestimate our effect on our teenagers and their friends. It’s easy to overlook the importance of fostering real connections not only with our kids but also with the kids they surround themselves with.
With my son, many of his friendships started as teammates on the little league field. I got to know them and their parents. I loved rooting for them. And with time, our relationships spread beyond the small field and spilled over into our homes. As they grew to the big diamond, different high schools, and even different sports, I still found myself going out of my way to cheer them on.
Yes, even if my own son wasn’t playing on the field.
The thing I’ve learned is, as important as it is for our children to develop friendships, it’s just as important for us as parents to connect with these friends. These are the people our children are choosing. And as long as they are creating healthy and safe relationships, we should not only accept these kids into our homes, but invite them into our lives and into our hearts.
I don’t mean we should get on their level and be their friend. But if you want to maintain a close relationship with your children, it helps to foster a close, parental relationship with their people.
Related: How to Help Your Teen Identify and Manage a Toxic Friendship
Teens need examples of healthy relationships.
I can tell you from experience that opening my door and heart to these teenage friends has been eye-opening and soul-filling. When you create a space of safety, mutual respect, and honest conversation and allow these kids to show up exactly as they are, you’ll start to see how amazing these teenagers can be. They let you in on their stories, on their hopes, on their dreams. And you’ll start to see why your kids choose them.
And you start to choose them too.
I’ve found myself choosing to show up for them. Show up at their games, their events, important places in their lives. I find myself pulling them close and telling them how proud I am of them. I’ve found myself gushing to other people, even perfect strangers, about their accomplishments. I root for them in their wins and hold space for them when they are struggling.
I choose to love them fiercely, whole-heartedly.
I’ve come to find that the closeness to them reinforces the connection with me and my own children. It reinforces a connection that I hope to keep strong over the years. I hope we’ve created a space that not only feels comfortable today, but a space they know is always there for them down the road.
How to foster connection with your teen’s friends
If you didn’t grow up in a space like this, sometimes it’s hard to figure out just how to connect. If you’re looking for ways to invest in the teens your kids spend their time with, here are some great ways:
1. Become a super fan.
Cheer them on at their games and big events. Look into their schedules, find out when something fits yours, then show up and root for them. And even if you can’t make it, sending a “great job today” text is always appreciated.
2. Invest in their future
Ask them about their plans for the future. You can learn so much about a kid when you take the time to listen up about what they have planned for themself. It might really surprise you to find out what they see for their lives when they look out over the horizon. Let them know you understand where they are at today, but also that you believe they can achieve their hopes and dreams. Point them in directions where they can find information and encourage their pursuits.
3. Connect with other parents
Work on a relationship with their parents or caretakers. Chat them up at sports games, school events, and if you see them out. Or better yet, plan an outing for all of you to attend together. While this isn’t always possible, simply sending a text about how great you think their child is can be incredibly meaningful.
4. Make them feel welcome.
Invite them on family occasions. Backyard cookouts, birthday outings, and even vacations. Offering an invitation to the most special gatherings is a great way to let them know that they belong.
5. Feed them.
Share a table with them. Whether it’s inviting them to a restaurant, a family dinner at home or just a quick snack on a picnic table out back. There’s something about sitting around a table and filling your bellies that can also fill your hearts.
6. Be curious.
Ask questions and listen to their answers. Lead with curiosity rather than judgment. Set aside expectations and lean into what’s being offered. Get to know them and you get to love them. You may also like to read: 25 Interesting Questions That Will Get Your Teen Talking
I’m not saying it’s always easy to have relationships with teenagers. But in my experience, it’s always worth it.
Looking for more information on how to improve your relationship with your teenagers? Check out this book by our Parenting Teens & Tween’s owner Whitney Fleming, You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either.
Raising teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts may help:
8 Ways to Help Your Middle Schooler Develop Healthy Friendships
How To Overcome The Five Biggest Challenges Of Raising Teens
Teaching My Kids What True Friendship Looks Like is a Hard, but Valuable Life Lesson
5 Helpful Ways to Guide Tweens Through a Friendship Ending
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