There is a question I hear all the time from teen clients and even my own teens, and every single time it brings tears to my eyes.
The question is always some form of “Why am I not good enough?”
It often follows a break-up of a friendship or dating relationship. Sometimes it even comes from family conflict.
Obviously, social media can play a major role in this as well, and sometimes this feeling can contribute to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and other related conditions.
While it is a completely normal reaction and something many tweens and teens struggle with, it is still deeply painful. Many adults still struggle with these feelings.
As a therapist or a parent, my response to this question always validates how painful it is to feel rejected and unwanted.
But over time, I’ve also discovered a rather unconventional approach that I’ve incorporated into these situations. It involves a discussion of cake. Yes, cake.
There is a difference between other people’s preferences and our self-worth
I start by explaining that I am a huge fan of chocolate cake. My preference is anything with a name resembling “Death by Chocolate.” While I am a dessert fan, nothing makes me happier than chocolate.
I also explain that vanilla cake, on the other hand, does not appeal to me at all. I am secretly disappointed when I go to a party, and they serve vanilla cake. I know there is nothing wrong with vanilla cake and many people love it.
Yet, for me, it just isn’t chocolate.
So what exactly do my cake preferences have to do with anything here?
Well, I am confident that no one would argue that one type of cake is objectively and universally better, or worse. We recognize that our personal preferences do not define the value of each option. Yet, despite my confidence in these facts when discussing cake, most tweens and teens struggle to apply the same kind of thinking to themselves.
Just because a person, or many people considers us “not good enough” for them (i.e. not their chocolate cake), it doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough. It simply means we are their vanilla cake. If our tweens and teens can start to incorporate this understanding of preferences, then they can begin to develop a belief that they are, in fact, good enough regardless of who likes them.
Focus on wise-mind speaking when you feel not good enough.
This is what, in therapy talk, we call “wise-mind” speaking. “Wise mind” is when we can balance our rational thinking and our emotions. But then there is what our “emotion-mind” tells us, and this is where most teens get stuck.
When we are in an emotional-mind state, our emotions override our capability for rational thought. These are the times when all of us are susceptible to negative thoughts and the deeper fears that we are somehow “not good enough.”
Our emotion-mind can play tricks on us. To do so, it often distorts our thoughts in two ways that make us jump from “this person doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me” to “I am not good enough for anyone.” It is when our self-confidence plunges and we lose perspective.
So in the case of our tweens and teens, emotion-mind increases the likelihood that they will personalize information and events.
In the case of a relationship ending, our teens use this distortion to assume the end is all about them and all their fault. Often their inner critic can take over and cause low self-esteem, shame, and a feeling of inadequacy that is tough to combat.
Wise-mind, in contrast, recognizes that any relationship is between two people. That means the relationship ending also falls on both parties.
An emotion-mind can spiral out of control.
In addition to personalizing, the emotion-mind often leads our tweens and teens to generalize. They will generalize from one instance to all instances. If one person says they are not good enough, they may generalize this to believe all people think they are not good enough. Their insecurities will become heightened and a overall feeling of worthlessness can take over.
A wise-mind approach is to remember that one person’s thoughts do not represent everyone’s thoughts. After all, do you know anything that everyone agrees on? A wise mind knows that a preference for chocolate cake is simply that – a preference. It is not about the cake, and it is not everyone’s opinion.
So, how do we help our teens develop this wise mind understanding to combat not feeling good enough?
A teenager who is hurting and feeling unworthy is often in emotion-mind and not ready to hear our wise-mind advice.
We first need to validate how painful these thoughts and feelings are. That does not mean we agree that they are not good enough.
Instead, we validate how easy it is to jump to that conclusion and how much it hurts. We need to sit with them in their distress before they may be willing to let us help them ease that distress. It’s important to reserve judgment, no matter how silly or small we feel the situation is, and we shouldn’t make assumptions about how they should feel.
When teens feel validated, the intensity of their emotions will decrease enough to make room for more rational thought.
This is when we can teach them about cake preferences, personalization, and generalization.
We can explain the natural tendency all people have to personalize negative feedback and generalize it.
We can give them examples of when we have fallen prey to these thought distortions with peers.
Beyond explaining how we jump from rejection by a peer to the belief “I am not good enough,” we can help them check their evidence. Specifically, help them identify what evidence they have about how other people, including peers, family members, teachers, etc., feel about them.
You can also work together to identify what evidence your teen has that they behave in a way consistent with their own values. That can help them understand that liking themselves by their own standards is more important than changing to suit someone else’s preferences.
It is so important that our teens not feel alone in this pain.
The reality is that it is common experience across all ages. Our goal should be to help them challenge it at an earlier age so they can continue to strengthen their sense of self-worth.
As always, should you feel these thoughts and emotions are impacting your child’s daily life or they cannot control them, consider seeking support from your physician or a trained mental health counselor.
In the end, we want our teenagers to understand that no one is liked by everyone. While rejection is painful, it is not the same as being not good enough.
Additional resources for teens when they feel not good enough:
Mantras, also often referred to as affirmations or positive thoughts, are simply words or phrases that one can repeat silently or out loud to help manage thoughts, set intentions, and to increase focus. They can be a great tool for a stressed person or when someone is not feeling good about themselves. Read: More Than 30 Positive Affirmations For Your Teen To Help Their Confidence and Mental Health
Conversations: If you think that there could be a chance that their mental health is at risk, then it’s time for a conversation. But where do you start? Here’s a great post that can guide you through how to broach the subject: How to Talk to Your Teen About Anxiety and Stress.
Therapy: As always, should you feel these thoughts and emotions are impacting your child’s daily life or they cannot control them, consider seeking support from your physician or a trained mental health counselor. To find someone near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory or this list of free resources for online therapy.
Thoughtful gifts to show you understand: While the best gifts we can give our teens are intangible, like our time, understanding, and compassion, there are a lot of products that are on the market right now that can help our kids manage their stress. While these are great for special occasions, most are perfect for a pick-me-up for a teen who is going through a rough time.Read: Comforting and Stress-Reducing Gifts to Help Your Anxious Teen
Suicide Prevention: If you are concerned about your teen’s safety and they make comments about hurting themselves or express thoughts about suicide, or if you have a loved one who is in distress, you do not have to go through the struggle alone. There are resources like the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 (or dial *988) where someone is available 24/7 to offer free and confidential support and resources for you. Read: Our Teen Was at Risk for Suicide, Here Are 7 Steps We Took Next
This is a contributed post by Alisa Crossfield of “Psychdiary”.
Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays about Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.
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Jamie says
I found this article through a Google search, asking how to help my daughter who doesn’t feel good enough. This was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much!