Inside: It’s easy to feel like something is wrong with you if you’re looking forward to your older kids leaving home. But It’s actually normal and totally okay.
My son leaves for college in six months, 3 weeks and 3 days… not like I’m counting. Okay, I’m really not, I have no idea and I just made that up. But he is a senior in high school and he is planning to go to college a minimum of three and half hours away from home, and potentially half way across the country, at some point near the end of summer.
I will miss him, I’m sure I’ll shed a few tears, maybe even more than a few. But I’m just as ready for him to go as he is to leave.
This isn’t because he is a difficult teenager or because we don’t have a good relationship. He’s actually a pretty great young adult and as far as teenagers go, he’s been pretty easy to parent. I’d also say that our relationships is healthy and strong and I think if you asked him, he would agree.
I know that in today’s child centric society, the fact that I’m kind of looking forward to my oldest child departing isn’t exactly considered “normal”. But really, what is normal? Normal looks different for every single person.
Related: Dear Mom of Teens: Don’t Worry, Your Kids Will Never Outgrow You
Why Do I Feel Like Something Is Wrong With Me?
But it still feels like I’m in the minority here and that maybe there is something wrong with me that I’m not filled with dread and denial. I have friends in a similar situation who are beside themselves. The tears start to form the moment the subject comes up. They are panicked about the very thought of a partial or fully empty nest.
My heart goes out to them and I in no way want to minimize the very real sadness and apprehension they feel. I can completely understand their feelings.
I just don’t share them.
Related: The Momancholy Is Real After You Drop Your Child Off at College
It’s possible that I’m simply repeating the example that was set for me by my parents. They loved me dearly and we had a wonderful relationship. But I couldn’t wait to go to college. There was a whole world waiting for me beyond the steps of the home I had grown up in and the city where I had spent my entire life so far. My parents always encouraged my independence and freedom as well as my desire to pursue my dreams wherever they may lead.
Maybe I Actually Did Something Right Parenting My Teen
For me, the fact that my child has the confidence and drive to leave behind all that has been familiar and forge his own path, makes me proud. And honestly, maybe like I managed to do at least a few things right when parenting him. I’m so excited to see this next stage in his journey. Of course I’m biased, but I think he’s amazing and capable and I truly believe he’s going to do great things.
Will I miss him? Without a doubt. But I also don’t feel like I’m going to drop him at his dorm and never see him again. Our big kids do come back to us. We will always be their safe place to land. And there are many new stages of our relationship ahead of us.
Related: I Know It’s Hard Now, But Your Teens Will Come Back To You
A New And Better Kind Of Relationship With Grown Kids
I have felt so fortunate to have a strong relationship with my parents and my siblings in adulthood. But I don’t think that would have happened had I not been given time to go find myself apart from them. And while many parents want and believe they have a friendship with their children during their teen and young adult years, at the very least it isn’t a fully developed one, because it isn’t equal.
Once a child has been able to stand on their own two feet and they know their own values and opinions outside of their parents home and influence, that’s when they truly become the fullest version of themselves. And this is when they can know that the relationship built with their parents is one of mutual respect and the ability to appreciate each other outside their familial roles. What a precious place this is for parents and grown children to end up.
Related: How to Embrace the Transition of Your Teens Growing Into Adults
It’s Okay To Want To Reclaim Part Of Yourself
Additionally, as much as I have loved being a mom. I have not loved everything about being a mom. I really struggled with how all consuming motherhood can be, and I have fought to maintain at least some of my identity outside being a mom. I have always had my own interests and passions and friendships.
I gladly put all of these things as secondary priorities behind my children and never regretted or resented it. But as I move onto this new stage of life, I look forward to being able to reclaim these parts of myself and allowing them to take on a bigger role once again.
I’m also fortunate enough to have a partner that I don’t just love, but like. And no matter how much we hear that we shouldn’t make our marriages/partnerships secondary to our children, it inevitably happens. Especially in today’s culture of hyper parenting. So, it will be nice to have regular date nights again and to travel together and to spend our weekends somewhere other than at any of a dozen different school events or on the sidelines of some kind of sports venue.
Related: There Really Is No Such Thing As An Empty Nest
The Excitement Of Unwritten Chapters
Again, I’m not complaining at all about the time given or the sacrifices made for my children. It has been more than worth it every step of the way. They have brought be more joy and fulfillment than I every could have imagined. But I don’t see all of that as ending.
For me this has been a series of chapters in a book that is still far from finished. The excitement of what is yet to come for my kids and my husband and I far eclipses my sadness of turning the page and leaving that part of the story behind. Plus, I know through my memories and the at least 1 billion photos my husband and I have taken of these years, I can always revisit some of those special moments.
So, although sometimes I do question if I should be feeling more dread about my son’s impending departure to college, I am, after almost 18 years, coming to accept that we each have our own personal journey with motherhood and no one’s has to look like anyone else’s to be right.
And while I’m realizing it is okay to be okay with him leaving, It is also 100% okay to NOT be okay.
Related: We Raised Our Little Girl to Leave Us, But My Mama Heart Still Hurts
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