When Raising Teens, It's More Important to Focus on Love Than Perfection

This is a contributed post by Esther Joy Goetz, co-author of the book Moms Never Stop Momming

Someone once asked me what the hardest stage of parenting is and I responded, “teens and up.” Then they asked me what my favorite stage of parenting is and I also said “teens and up.”

As a mom who is smack dab (and always will be) in the middle of this stage of parenting my four what I like to call “baby adults,” I hold onto two things with every fiber of my mom being: give my kids the roots of unconditional love and the wings of freedom to be completely themselves.

This sounds lofty and impossible, but it is actually grounding and simple.

With every decision that comes my mom way, and as we all know moms never stop momming, I have to take that very hard and necessary pause and ask myself this question: “Will this help them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are loved with none of my mom strings (aka mom agendas) attached?”

This is not easy. At all.

Having kids means also having all that goes along with navigating the tricky tightrope of individual needs, family dynamics, and the push/pull of the holding-on and letting-go years. The weight of unrealistic expectations the world “out there” shouts in all of our ears is exhausting and the pressure to perform and be something we are not nor ever will be drags us down into some not-so-pretty places. Having those “strings” makes us feel in control and safe inside, even if it’s just for the briefest of moments.

But they don’t work. Especially when it comes to our kids. And our relationships with them.

It’s why I have found these two principles to be a lifeline, the necessary foundation to building a healthy, long-lasting relationship with my own kids, what I’ve wanted since I saw those two lines on my pregnancy test on my bathroom counter.

Lest you think I’ve got it all together now and everything is just butterflies and rainbows, I don’t and it’s not.

It’s been a long, slow journey for this mom who completely fell apart in her late-30s because, once I had kids and especially when they hit the teen years, I found out that I did not have it all under control and that was scary, and to be honest, downright terrifying.

I wanted good kids.

The kind that got good grades, were respectful of their coaches and teachers and especially me, and stayed far away from all those scary big kid choices that kept me up at night, wondering what I was doing wrong and how I could fix it.

I wanted a good family.

One where we all got along and were kind to each other. One where our conversations were filled with listening and laughter and lots of love. One where we made others feel welcome at all times no matter who they were or what they were up to.

I wanted a good life. Period.

But what I learned and keep learning (even after all these bumpy and beautiful years) is this: it’s more important to have love than to have perfection. Perfection is an elusive and unattainable dream that holds us hostage to its inability to happen. Ever.

It’s more important to have love than to have all my ducks in a row. No matter how hard I tried and tried, my “ducks” became eagles that wanted to fly all on their own and soar to heights that did not resemble any kind of row at all. Good for them.

It’s more important to have love than to have no conflict. Our disagreements and downright fights eventually made us closer in the end, helping us to learn how to see each other’s points of view, as long as respect was our sure foundation. When it wasn’t, there were lots of stomps up the stairs and slammed doors. But when it was, the apologies (lots of time having to come from me first) and cracking open of doors and hearts was well-worth the messy path to get there.

It’s more important to have love than to have some pretend version of what we wrongly believe is the quintessential family.

Because love is true and real and raw and vulnerable and healing and beautiful and sacred and where life is full of the messy, gorgeous parts where two (or six in our case) people can come together and receive GRACE for who we have been and are now and SPACE for who we will be and are becoming, hopefully all of us more and closer true versions of ourselves, the best gifts we can give to each other.

If you’re looking for some help, humor, and a little bit of much-needed hope as you raise teenagers, we recommend Moms Never Stop Momming: (And We Couldn’t If We Tried) by Esther Joy Goetz and Melissa Faith Neeb. This book is a collection of heartfelt essays from moms like you who have laughed, have cried, and have learned to give themselves grace along the way because we’re all doing our best.