There’s a reason parents of big kids shut down when their kids hit the teenage years.
There’s a reason moms stop talking to other parents at pick up lines and dads avoid people at all cost.
You know that phrase little kids, little problems. Big kids, bigger problems? It is so true.
And if you are lucky enough to raise a teenager that never drank or smoked or did drugs, if you are lucky enough to have a child who never was charged with a misdemeanor or snuck out of your house or cheated on a test, if you are lucky enough that you never felt like you were just a complete and utter failure as a parent because of the behavior of your kid despite your best efforts, consider it just that: lucky.
You may also like to read: Mamas, We Need To Give Ourselves The Same Grace We Give Our Kids
Because for most big kids who do something bad, it is usually not from bad parenting as much as the teen making a bad decision.
And we need to sit on that for a second.
Before we rush to judgment. Before we roll our eyes and start mentioning all the things we think those parents did wrong. Before we fill ourselves with righteous indignation. Before we say, “My kid would never do that.”
We need to remember that it could be our kid, and think about how we want people to treat us.
Sure, we need to be conscientious parents and raise our kids to the best of our abilities. But unless you have severely neglected, abused, or traumatized your child, we need to recognize that sometimes teenagers lose their way despite our best efforts.
Addiction can be genetic. Violence could be linked to a traumatic event not related to the parents. Stealing could be attention-seeking behavior. Lying is testing boundaries.
A bad attitude can be the result of depression, anxiety, or stress.
You may also like to read: Is it more than just normal teen anxiety – when to seek medical advice
But also, teenagers are poor decision-makers, especially if they feel pressured, stressed, or are seeking attention from peers.
For example, while with one friend a teen may say no to alcohol, in another moment surrounded by peers they want to impress they could engage in binge drinking or experiment with drugs.
Rather than blaming the parents, we need to rally around families who need support instead of pushing them further underwater.
I still believe as parents we are the number one role models for our kids. I still believe that we can arm our children with information and boundaries so they grow up into productive adults. I still believe that the best chance our kids have of growing up kind and compassionate is to have a mother and father who are both kind and compassionate.
But I also believe that most of us are trying our best and parent with the best of intentions.
I speak from experience. Sometimes good kids just make bad decisions. Sometimes good kids have addictions. Sometimes good kids are hurting and don’t know how to express it. Sometimes good kids cave under pressure. Sometimes good kids want to impress their peers so they make a dumb mistake.
And oftentimes, these good kids come from families trying their best.
There is enough guilt when it comes to parenting. Did I do too much for them? Not enough? Did I give them too much freedom? Was I too overbearing? Many parents spend the rest of their lives wondering where they went wrong when raising their kids.
So, the next time your local rumor mill starts running about the bad behavior of a child coming from a “good” family, maybe resist the urge to spread the gossip to another friend.
Instead, maybe use it as a discussion springboard with your own child.
And if you are feeling extra generous, reach out to that parent who is most likely beating themselves up for their child’s behavior, the one who feels isolated, the one who is staying up all night examining every parenting decision she ever made.
They could use some support, too.
Parenting is hard. We like this book, Parenting Teens with Love & Logic, as a resource.
Parenting teens and tweens is HARD. Make it a little easier with these popular posts other parents found helpful:
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Tiffini says
People are very judgemental. The more our children are able to make mistakes under our roof with grace and mercy, they will have less to learn in college and as adults.
I’m not saying there aren’t natural consequences to behaviors but judgement makes everything worse.
We ALL need grace and mercy!!
Margaret says
Well, as the parent of a middle-schooler with severe neurobehavioral issues, I can tell you parents don’t start getting judged in high school. High school kids’ mistakes are more likely to be public, but parents of kids with psychiatric issues live in a constant cloud of suspicion and judgment from the moment their children are perceived as different.
Tina Feigal says
I agree that parents are not responsible for everything their teens do, and that teens’ brains are not fully developed, so they often do impulsive things. But I disagree with the word “choices” because after 22 years of coaching parents, I realize that their behavior is not coming from the “choice” part of their brains. Physiologically, the brain has a threat alarm that signals danger. It fires when there’s a lack of being seen by caretakers, even on the smallest topic. Teens often aren’t open with their parents, upon whom they are still dependent for their survival. The threat alarm says, “Get mom’s/dad’s attention! Positive or negative, get their attention so you survive.” If negativity has gotten the attention, the threat alarm says, “Do that again!” So what looks like “bad choices” is actually the brain’s attempt to help the kid survive. It’s science, and knowing this helps my clients gain a much better path toward a stronger relationship and less need to act out, because the child is seen.
Allie says
Coming from someone who was a teen not too long ago, I can say with confidence that my teenage years we equally the best & worst years of my life. I can recall being terrible to my mom at times. Looking back, I’m surprised she didn’t kick me out and wipe her hands clean of me altogether. I was in an abusive relationship from the time I was 15 up until I was 18. Me, being the ‘know it all’ teen at the time believed that I could change my spouse into becoming a better person. My mom tried countless times to get me to leave and cut off all contact with my then boyfriend. I remember fighting with her and resenting her for a majority of my teen years. All because I was “in love” with a douchebag kid with a lisp. It hurts me to know that I treated my mom that way, but as someone who has also studied a little bit of the psychology behind the teenage mind in college, I’ve come to understand why teens act and respond in the ways that they do. Our brains don’t reach full maturity until we are in our early 20s. Therefore, teens brain’s are still growing and developing. They don’t always think through things the way an adult does, that’s why they’re more inclined to engage in risky behavior. The hormones of a teen are also to blame for a lot of the outbursts and mood swings. Anyone reading this who is well beyond their teenage years knows the irritating feeling of being pissed off for what feels like no reason. It’s because we’ve all experienced that feeling as teens. A teens hormones are constantly fluctuating, making it hard for them to stay consistent with their mood sometimes. It might seem like your teen is being a bitch for no reason some days, but instead of lashing out and giving a lecture about “having an attitude” think back to when you were a teen and try to remember those feelings. Give your kids a break. Your child is not out to get you or trying to intentionally make you feel bad. They are just simply trying to get by the best they can. Some days they will struggle and other days they will thrive. That comes with growing up. It’s normal. It may not be easy, but no one with teens ever said raising them would be easy. As a parent it is your job, your duty to protect and love your child despite their mood swings and outbursts.
Looking back, my mom and I reminisce about my ‘terrible teens’ and every time we do, I apologize. My mom, being the saint that she is, never makes me feel bad for acting the way I did as a teen. She understands that as we grow, we undergo changes that can be weird and uncomfortable at times. I am very thankful that I grew up with a mom like that.