Inside: Letting go of your teen is hard, but there are things you can do to make it easier.
This is a contributed post by Rita Lussier, author of And Now Back to Me.
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If it hadn’t been for the guy sitting in the back row of the lecture hall at George Washington University, my husband and I would have left unscathed. We would have listened to the anxious parents all around us asking questions about the dorms, the cafeteria, the late-night security on campus. We would have been reassured by the college counselor’s calm and thoughtful responses. We would have left the room knowing that when we dropped our son there at the end of the summer, he’d be in good hands. We might even have enjoyed the seven-hour drive back to our home in Jamestown, Rhode Island.
But there was the guy sitting in the back row of the lecture hall. And just before the program was over, he raised his hand. He cleared his throat. He looked down at the floor and then up at the counselor on the stage. He cleared his throat again. And then, finally, this: “How do I let go?”
The counselor adjusted her microphone. “Can you repeat that, sir?”
“She’s my daughter. I mean, since the moment she was born. Even before that. We’re so connected. We do everything together. I can’t, I mean, there’s just no way….”
How do I let go?
Years later, after our son and then our daughter packed up their belongings and headed out the door to find lives of their own, you’d think I’d know the answer. After all, I’ve spent some time examining my life as an empty nester. I even wrote a book about it! But before we get to letting go, I’d like to share some of the insights I gained along the way.
Related: I Was Once the Mom to Little Girls, And Then I Had to Let Them Go
How do we prepare for the empty nest?
We all go through life transitions. Many of them catch us by surprise. Getting fired from a job. Death of a loved one. A car accident.
The empty nest is not like that. We know it’s coming from the moment our youngest child is born. But I’m not sure we’re ever prepared. Maybe it’s because we’re so busy parenting that we don’t have much time to think about it. After all, life without the kids seems unthinkable. Hard to imagine.
It’s important to take some time out from the hectic schedule of parenting and think about ways to ease the upcoming transition. Maybe you schedule a weekly date night with your spouse before your youngest child leaves. Or plan a vacation for when the transition begins. Or spend time with a friend whose nest has been empty for a while.
Related: What Do You Want To Be, Now That Your #MomLife Days Are Nearly Over?
We can’t predict how the empty nest will hit us. We just know that it will.
When I walked in the front door of our house after dropping our youngest off at college, I think that’s when my muscle memory took over. I expected things to be the same even though I wasn’t consciously thinking about it. So the quiet of the house, my daughter’s bedroom so neat and tidy, the absence of the liveliness that I had grown so accustomed to just seemed to jump up and grab me by the throat and overwhelm me. It was a melancholy I was not prepared for.
Maybe you’ll be giddy with freedom. Or hopelessly lost and alone. Most likely, you’ll find yourself on a roller coaster careening from high to low and every place in between. Just know that it’s okay to feel what you feel when you feel it.
Even good news from your child can feel like getting punched in the gut.
When you’re thinking about the empty nest ahead, you tell yourself I just can’t wait to have all that time to myself. I can’t wait to have all that freedom. And then when the moment actually arrives, you really don’t have a clue what to do with it all. It’s like you were driving 100-miles an hour and just like that you slam into a bridge abutment. It’s hard to get the car started again.
All these years, you’ve been raising your children to grow up to be happy, productive adults. Even though that’s the goal, seeing them in their new, bigger shoes can still be difficult.
If we’re feeling bad about the empty nest, it’s obvious we didn’t have enough other things going on in our lives. Right?
I think there’s a misconception out there about this transition, and I’ll be the first to admit that I thought this way – that if you struggle with the empty nest it means you don’t have anything interesting besides your family going on in your life. You don’t have a business or a career or an exciting hobby. So, in some ways my empty nest felt like a cliché, an obvious time that I should have anticipated.
The truth is there are plenty of high-achieving parents with big careers and fascinating interests who are devastated when their kids leave home. There’s no formula here. There should be no judgment.
When one thing changes it seems like everything does.
When a family of four suddenly becomes two, there’s no getting around it. Adjustments are necessary. Here are a few things to consider:
Time with your spouse can be awkward at first.
You might end up driving around in circles like my husband and I did for a while.
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
“It seems like we should do something?”
“But what?”
Acknowledge that it’s going to take time a to rekindle your relationship with your spouse. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with each other.
Your kids leave. But they’ll be back.
Just when you’re starting to get a foothold in your new, independent life, your kids come back. This is tricky.
Fall break. Summer vacation. Suddenly, you’re all back to where you once belonged. Everything seems normal. But make no mistake. It’s not! This is just the beginning of your new relationship with your young adults, a chance to connect on a different level.
Just like when you renovate a house, you’re going to need to do some rewiring.
You’ve spent decades looking out for your family. You’ve been working, helping, nurturing and taking care of everybody and everything. Now it’s time to shift gears, readjust your mindset and do the same for yourself.
Take care of yourself just like you would your kids. Try new things. Keep an open mind. Be indulgent every once in a while. And know that you’ll eventually find exactly what you need as long as you trust yourself.
Related: Cue the Tears: How to Survive Freshman College Drop Off
The empty nest comes at you fast. But change doesn’t happen overnight.
We all have the answers we need inside of ourselves but we might have to wait for them to appear. Take the time to process your feelings and make good choices. Routines are helpful to ground and center you when things seem so uncertain. Be patient. Be mindful. Be grateful.
And now, back to the question from the guy in the lecture hall.
How do I let go?
Let’s be honest. You’re a parent. You embraced that role through years and years of play dates and homework, soccer practice and ballet lessons. Just because your little ones are now taller and smarter and can figure out why you’re having trouble logging in to Zoom, you’re still their parent.
During the empty nest years, you’ll learn to loosen your grip. Change your perspective. Lighten up a little. But letting go? Come on, now. These are your kids. Your children. The ones you brought into this world and devoted so much time and effort into raising. Is letting go really an option?
Looking for more from this author? Check out her book: And Now Back to Me.
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts may help:
These 12 Simple Hacks Will Make College Dorm Move-in Day Easier
How Do You Say Goodbye to Your Baby When It’s Time to Let Them Go?
10 Things to Know about Attending College With an IEP
Dear Mom of Teens: Don’t Worry, Your Kids Will Never Outgrow You
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