It all goes so fast. Just yesterday I received an email with “Date for Freshman Orientation” in the subject line, and now my twins are off to college.
It has to be a mistake because I’m pretty sure my daughters just started preschool. But alas, here I am, watching them fly the nest.
High school students are under an enormous amount of stress
The moment I put the date for high school orientation in my calendar, I felt the pressure building.
First, the PSAT scores came home.
Then, teachers started recommending which classes the kids should take including honors and even AP classes for freshmen.
Next, a flurry of text messages and phone calls and neighborhood chats about what other students did in the past, who was signing up for what, and the average SATs scores at the big-name universities everyone wants their kids to go to.
Each day my teenagers would come home and say:
“So-and-so is taking all AP classes because her parents are making her. She said she has hours of homework every night.”
Or “My friend said if I don’t take this honors class I won’t even be considered at certain colleges,”
Or “What if I can’t get into a good college?”
I read through teacher recommendations and course descriptions. I talked to some friends. We sat down as a family. And I still had no idea what was right for them.
There should not be this much stress in high school. Deep breaths.
We can’t sacrifice our kids’ todays because we’re scared of what may happen tomorrow
It’s hard not to get sucked into the frenetic energy of what high school is like in today’s world. The news is filled with stories about the declining mental health of our teens, the increased competition in the college admissions process, and high school burnout.
And it’s no surprise.
Kids have no downtime between the homework required for advanced classes, sports practices, extracurricular activities, SAT prep, service hours to boost their college application and family obligations.
Related: Five Parenting Mistakes I Made My Teen’s Freshman Year of High School
Basically, our high schoolers are chronically stressed out.
Even scarier is that some are carrying the psychological effects well into college and their adult lives.
How to find balance during the high school years
On the day before my daughters’ high school schedules needed to be finalized, I sat down with them and asked myself the following questions:
Could there be a balance between preparing my daughters for college and ensuring they didn’t break down in the process?
and What did I want my kids’ high school experience to look like? What did they want it to look like?
We decided to write down what they thought their schedule would look outside of school.
They both were participating in cross country, were about to start driver’s education, and needed 20 volunteer hours per semester to be part of a service club. One was in orchestra and earned some money tutoring some younger students, and the other wanted a part-time job.
They were looking forward to social activities and new electives and Friday night football games. They heard about class trips and Spirit Weeks. One wanted to participate in the school musical and the other wanted to take baking.
The more I listened, the more excited I was for them.
Overloading their schedule with advanced classes for the sake of taking an advanced class didn’t make much sense. More time studying means less time to make friends, join new things, acquire job experience, or volunteer—all equally important in my eyes. It also leads to intense academic pressure and anxiety.
I also thought of my daughters’ propensity for perfection and to put pressure on themselves. I also knew how they didn’t always deal with stress effectively and sometimes were too focused on their academic performance.
Academics is an important part of high school, but it is not the only part
We ended up encouraging our girls to challenge themselves in the academic areas they enjoyed, but reassured them it would be okay to just take grade-level classes for the other subjects. We hoped it would be a good balance—challenging enough academically but not so labor-intensive they couldn’t do other activities.
We felt like it was a risk to take an “easier” course load, and we recognized our kids would be competing against other students who took a different, perhaps more college-friendly path; however, it was a risk we were willing to take.
I knew in my heart that my kids would go to college–or perhaps find an even more appropriate path–to becoming a productive adult.
But I don’t want them to miss out on their high school experience—or be too mentally and physically exhausted—to live the next phase of their life.
Related: Is My Teen Pushing Too Hard? It’s So Hard To Know
We have to remember that parenting is a long game
Although I believe my daughters are stellar students, I’d rather they be stellar human beings. Part of that is having enough time to follow their passions–and having a little time to actually enjoy themselves, too.
We have to teach our kids to know their limits and that they don’t have to challenge themselves simply for the sake of challenging themselves. It is a constant battle in today’s do more and be more culture.
In the middle of eleventh grade, one of my daughters came home stressed about taking AP Calculus during her senior year. She was struggling with math that year, and she clearly was more interested in writing and history than STEM-related subjects. Nearly in tears, she exclaimed, “What if I don’t get into the college I want because I didn’t take AP Calc?”
I was shocked when my over-achiever husband responded with: “Then it’s not the right college for you.”
It seemed so simple when he put it that way.
My twins are now headed to colleges that fit their unique interests and life goals. Both are following their passions and participating in extracurriculars like sports and music at the next level.
I don’t know if those tough decisions I made way back in freshman year helped or not, but I like to think they did.
What I know for sure is that we avoided the burnout that so many kids are suffering today.
It’s my hope that giving them the freedom to explore their passions and not pursue the hardest academic course load will result in them overachieving in happiness.
Only time will tell.
Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays about Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.
Parenting Teens and Tweens is challenging, but there’s plenty more advice and encouragement:
How To Help Your Teen With Setting High School Goals
Mental Health Issues Stopped My Son From Graduating High School On Time
Four Ways Parents Can Help Their Teens Have A Positive High School Experience
Why Self Care Is One Of The Most Important Lessons We Can Teach Our Teens
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