This is a contributed post by PTT co-owner Whitney Fleming. Her new book, You’re not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either will be available this Fall.
Sometimes, your teen brings out the worst in you when they show their worst to you.
Sometimes you say things to them that you can’t take back. Sometimes you do things that you regret. Sometimes you act in a way that you don’t even recognize yourself.
Sometimes, it’s because they do something serious or dangerous, like drinking or drugs or lying or safety.
And sometimes it’s over something so stupid, like cleaning their messy room. Oh, the fights we’ve had because of her room.
Trust me. I know about picking and choosing your battles, and I tried. I tried to let it go, ignore it, and focus on the positives.
Related: 10 Commons Battles that Will Destroy the Relationship with Your Teen
But for me, it wasn’t just about her room. It was about her contributions to our home, about appreciating others’ hard work, about doing her part, respecting her things, and learning how to respect herself.
And her messy bedroom seemed symbolic of the other behaviors that bothered me. It was the way she pushed limits. The way she would lie because it was easier than having a conversation. The way she yessed us to our face and then nothing changed.
So, I would try to get along and be understanding during these tough times when it was about the big things, but I would always lose it when I saw the disaster that was her room.
Understanding your triggers
In general, when a person is “triggered,” they’re being provoked by a stimulus that awakens or worsens the symptoms of a traumatic event or mental health issue.
My daughter’s messy bedroom was a trigger for me. It set off my anxiety and was a constant reminder that I didn’t have the relationship I wanted with her. It was a constant reminder that I struggled with communication. It was a constant reminder that I couldn’t control my temper.
Sometimes, I would get so mad that the conversation would turn ugly. There were times I belittled. There were times I swore. There were times I begged and cajoled and even cried.
I’m not proud. In fact, I’m ashamed. She deserved better. But I didn’t grow up in a home where there was healthy conflict resolution or communication modeled for me. I never was taught how to control my emotions. I never knew about triggers.
And those were skills I definitely could have used.
Learning to model what we’ve never seen
One day, we had a particularly bad argument about how she handled something. We argued and yelled and said some nasty things. I was blistering mad, and she was sullen. I stormed out and she slammed the door.
We both had enough.
I spent the day talking with some friends, researching therapists, and reading about why I might be struggling with my relationship with her.
I walked into her room later that night, stepping over dirty laundry and paper and Lord knows what else, and I told her that I didn’t want to do this anymore.
I didn’t want to waste time arguing with her, and I didn’t want to be the reason she felt bad about herself. I shared with her that I didn’t want to feel bad about myself all the time, either.
I told her I was doing some things to work on how I responded to things that triggered certain emotions. I would commit to some activities to help me with my anger, my anxiety, and my hard edges.
But she needed to give me a sign she was listening. She needed to show me that she cared. She needed to at least step in my direction so I could keep letting her go.
The conversation wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns, but when I walked by her room the next day, and a few others, something remarkable happened.
She picked up some clothes off her floor. She unloaded the dishwasher without being asked. She came home on time and nervously approached me about going to a concert with friends (instead of lying about it.)
I started walking every morning to calm my nervous system and even incorporated some deep breathing into my day, something I used to find hokey. I let some of her snarky comments slide by and ignored some of the mess. When I could feel the irritation building, I counted to 10. Sometimes I did it twice.
It hasn’t been perfect, not even close.
But she is trying. So am I.
There’s been a lot less yelling and a lot more conversations. The tension has eased a bit. It’s easier for her to ask to do something, and it’s easier for me to say yes.
Related: How To Stop Arguing With Your Teen: 10 Tips For Parents
What I learned during this phase was that it was so not about cleaning her room, but it was also so about cleaning her room.
We both needed to address it. We both needed to let it go.
We are leaning in. We are loving through the hard.
And after so long of bringing out the worst in each other, that’s a pretty beautiful place to be.
For another resource on how to work on yourself while raising your teenagers, check out Whitney Fleming’s upcoming book, You’re Not a Failure, My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers
10 Commons Battles that Will Destroy the Relationship with Your Teen
20 Ways to Show Your Teen Love When They Don’t Want a Hug
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