Teens are vaping.
This epidemic has become a reality that parents are dealing with (and dreading) on a daily basis.
What do you do? How do you handle it? If you catch your kid vaping, how do you get them to stop?
These are complex questions, but the good news is that the answer is a relatively straight-forward process.
- First, you have to process your own emotions as a parent and make a plan for addressing the problem.
- Second, you have to understand why your child is vaping (no, it’s usually not because they’re rebelling and no, you’re not a terrible parent responsible for their choices!).
- Third, you have to prepare yourself for a long-term investment in the solution. The truth is, none of us—our kids included—are very well-educated about vaping, and solving the problem is a learning process.
So, let’s break down these steps one at a time.
What to Do First If You Catch Your Teen Vaping
Regulate your own emotions.
You are going to feel a rush of emotions. There’s no way around this. Disappointment, frustration, fear, anger, betrayal, guilt, regret, shame—bottom line: it’s not going to feel great. When this happens, it’s best to give yourself a minute to process these feelings. If you confront your child when flooded, the conversation won’t go well. So, take a beat. Take a breath. Vent, cry, take a walk, call a friend. Whatever you need to calm yourself down and stabilize your own feelings.
You now know you have a problem, but after you finish reading this, you will be equipped with resources and know exactly how to handle it, so try to remember that Step 1 is regulating your own emotions. This does not mean “ignore” your feelings. It means process your feelings—feel them, let them out—before you talk with your child.
Talking calmly is the only path to a resolution.
Here’s why that’s important. Successful conversations with young people about vaping (and substance use in general) happen when your kid sees you as safe. If you ask questions with a “help me understand so I can best support you” approach, you are more likely to get a productive response from your child. (That said, be prepared that even with the best effort on your part, you may still get a reactive response from your child, so brace yourself for that possibility).
If, however, you come into the conversation hot, angry, expressing your disappointment, a defensive response back from your child is almost guaranteed. You *can* confront your child without engaging in conflict, and that’s the goal here. Even if your child is upset, angry or defensive, if you keep your cool, stay patient and open-hearted, eventually you will be able to guide your child towards the productive conversation you need to have. So, it’s worth taking the time to handle your own feelings first, because then you will be better equipped to handle theirs.
Figure out why your teen is vaping with an open dialogue.
That’s probably the first thought that will enter your mind, and it’s conveniently the question at the heart of the solution to the problem. Teens vape for a variety of reasons (even if prevention measures were taken) but every single one of them has something in common: they are responding to a perfectly healthy need to either ease discomfort and/or to create a positive feeling for themselves. Maybe vaping helps them feel less stressed about school, a difficult social dynamic, or anxiety about issues beyond their control (school violence, war, political unrest, pandemic-related problems).
Perhaps vaping helps them feel a sense of belonging in a group of friends they care deeply about. They might vape because they really like the taste, or the way it makes them feel. In some cases, they’re vaping because they only meant to try it a few times but became addicted, and now they physically can’t stop (even if they want to!)
In every case, figuring out the underlying issue that is leading to the behavior is FAR more important than the behavior itself. Once you understand the “why” you can problem solve with your child to meet their needs in healthy ways. No matter what the reason, there is always a healthier alternative, and ultimately the goal is to make that alternative more desirable than vaping.
Related: It’s Not “Just Pot” — Why We Need to Be Concerned About Today’s Marijuana
How to Talk About Vaping With Your Teen
Most kids don’t understand the dangers of vaping and that they’re hurting themselves by doing so. So, the first step is to gently help educate your child about what they don’t understand. Think about how you might explain wearing seatbelts to your child. Or a curfew. Or choosing a designated driver when they go out partying. Most of the time, these conversations stem from a baseline idea of “I care about you, I worry about your safety, and I’d like to help you be able to have fun independently while making healthy choices.”
This conversation is no different. You want to start with:
- Validation. “I can see that this is something you enjoy. I understand why. Vaping is designed to make you feel good.”
- Concern. “And, I’m worried about you. There’s some information about vaping that I’d like to share with you. Vaping can hurt your body in ways you can’t feel right now, and I’d like you to understand so you can make healthy choices for yourself. Would you be willing to hear me out?”
- Information. “I’ve learned recently that there are chemicals in vapes that can harm your lungs, your brain, and do permanent damage to your body over time. It’s more than just flavoring and water vapor, there is a chemical reaction that happens when vape juice is super-heated. I want to make sure you understand what you’re putting in your body because the damage that you can do may be irreversible. I care about you, and I want you to have all the information you need to make a decision you truly want to make.”
- Support. “This can be a lot to think about. I want you to know you can talk to me about this, and I’m on your side. I’m not judging your choices. I love you and I’m here to help you.”
- Listening. “I know learning about this can be upsetting. It’s okay to tell me how you feel. I’m happy to listen to you.”
- Guidance. “I think we can find some other options for you that might help you feel good about making different choices. Quitting vaping takes a lot of courage and I’m proud of you for thinking about it. Let’s talk about how we can find alternatives to vaping that also make you feel good.”
When you have these conversations, make sure you emphasize your concern about their health and their choices, and your role as their parent to nurture them. Overtly demonstrate that you see and care about their whole person, and not just their risky behaviors. Acknowledge positive actions and changes in their life, and offer physical comforting (e.g., a hug) if it feels appropriate.
Your Attitude Matters
It is also beneficial for you to express your preferences and expectations you have for their behavior – research has consistently shown that parental attitudes are some of the most consistent predictors of teen drug use behaviors. But you first need to establish trust and reciprocity in listening and not simply launch into a one-sided lecture. Your teens will only listen to you if they feel safe and understood in the conversation.
Remember, they may be feeling embarrassed about getting caught, or scared about the consequences of their choices. Or maybe they’re angry about being asked to give up something that they enjoy—something that makes them feel good. Make room for their feelings and let them know it’s okay—whatever they’re feeling is just part of the process. Emphasize autonomy and choice regarding consequences. Teenagers want to feel a sense of control over their own bodies; this is important to respect. And, you can remind them that while they get to choose what consequences they experience, you don’t want to see them in pain. Remind them that above all else, you love them, and that’s the motivating factor behind the conversation.
Not all of these conversations are going to go well. Not the first time, anyway. This may be a conversation you have to revisit from time to time before it makes an impact. If at first you don’t succeed… don’t give up!
How Do I Get My Teen to Stop Vaping?
If teens are using vaping to meet an underlying need, it’s critically important that we help them find other, healthier ways of meeting those needs and then do our best to make sure that they have positive experiences doing them. Remember – we tend to repeat the behaviors that we find to be the most rewarding! Leaning into positive reinforcement may feel counter-intuitive; we typically learn to punish behaviors we don’t want to see in our children. Boundaries and consequences are important, but in this case they are necessary but not sufficient. Positive feedback from behaviors is what kept them coming back to vaping – you can use the same feedback process to help them stop vaping.
Here’s some examples of how this looks in the real world.
- If your teen is vaping to socially fit in with peers, try creating opportunities for different social experiences with different kids. Try to avoid just saying things like “don’t hang out with your friends” (spoiler alert: that doesn’t work); even if there need to be new boundaries or rules around certain people, telling a teen they need to leave their friend group can feel devastating, particularly if they don’t have new alternatives. Try signing them up for a class or an activity where they may meet new kids that they might like, in social culture that is potentially healthier. There are other ways to meet social needs than their current friend group.
- If your teen is vaping to meet an emotional need (e.g., stress relief, coping with anxiety, depression), it might be worth finding a therapist to discuss some of these feelings. Meditation and exercise routines have also been clinically linked to decreases in stress, increases in self-esteem, and an overall sense of peace or calm without the harmful side effects.
- Maybe your teen is vaping because of low self-esteem. If so, you can help them take steps to raise their self-confidence: enroll them in a new class, teach them a new skill, help them discover their talents and gifts. Give them regular chances to feel proud of themselves and they’ll find that the urge to get high to avoid shame or other negative feelings won’t be as strong.
Incentives can work well to curb vaping behavior too—positive reinforcement is a tried and true method of behavioral change. It’s a fine line between reinforcing and bribing, however, so just make sure that the rewards aren’t the central focus – your child needs to view them as a perk, not the point. It’s not about coercion, it’s about encouragement.
For example, one strategy for addressing teen vaping is performing random drug tests at home. This is sometimes a controversial tactic, but it can be effective if you do it strategically. Specifically, the critical element of using this tool correctly is creating a cause-and-effect relationship in the system: come up with a list of desirable rewards that can be earned with a negative drug test, ideally collaborating with your teen. Likewise, work together to come up with consequences for failing the drug tests. It’s helpful to come up with these rewards and consequences together because that gives your teen some buy-in to the process; it’s not just happening to them, rather they have some say and control over the outcomes of their efforts.
Related: I Felt Like a Failure When My Daughter Struggled With Depression
Remember that Nicotine Is Addictive
All this being said, it is worth mentioning that despite your best efforts, your teen may have a very difficult time quitting vaping because nicotine is actually incredibly challenging to quit. About 90% of people who try to quit fail because the biological dependence is so strong. Having unwavering support from you is very important for their success; but also, if it doesn’t work, it might not be your fault or your teens’.
In the event that you follow all the recommended steps and nothing works, it might be worth talking to your pediatrician about whether medications would be a good idea to try. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that pediatricians consider medications for treating nicotine addiction, especially with older teens. It’s not right for every kid in every situation, but it’s an avenue to explore when all other options have been exhausted.
TLDR—what are my takeaways?
The most important thing you can do if you see your child vaping is to not panic. Open the door for an ongoing conversation. If you set your expectations for a one-and-done discussion, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. If your child is vaping, they are doing so to meet an emotional need—do what you can to figure out what that emotional need is and help them find other ways to meet it. Be their ally, their support system, their mentor. There are times when “parent” and “disciplinarian” are synonyms. This should not be one of those times. Think “parent” and “role model.” Or “parent” and “guide.” Shame, disgust, anger, punishment—these strategies are not going to help the situation here, for you or your child.
You do have options for helping them adjust their behaviors, giving them autonomy for their choices, and creating new positive reward systems that makes them feel empowered and motivated to quit vaping, despite any peer pressure. And, if all else fails, you can talk to your pediatrician about addiction medications that can make quitting a bit more manageable.
Teens are vaping. But you can help them stop.
You’ve got this, parents.
For additional tips on navigating these challenging years of raising teenagers, we recommend Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love by Whitney Fleming. This book contains 55 relatable essays about raising tweens and teens in today’s modern and chaotic world.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
Teens Hate These Five Questions, So Ask These Instead
20 Ways to Show Your Teen Love When They Don’t Want a Hug
Five Effective Strategies to Help Reduce Entitled Behavior in Your Teen
The Common Mistakes Teenagers Make and Why Parents Need To Let Them Make Them
*This post may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission for purchases made from our site.
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