The following is a contributed post by Whitney Fleming, author of You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either and owner of the Parenting Teens & Tweens blog.
The turn was quick in one of my daughters. One night, I put to bed a tween who thought I hung the moon, and the next morning, I woke up to a different person. It wasn’t my first rodeo, so I thought I knew what to expect, but I was so wrong. Every one of our kids is so different—even though they are also exactly the same.
One evening, when my daughter was in 8th grade, she slammed her book down and put her head in her hands.
“Hey, do you want some help?” I asked.
“Yeah, Mom. Like you could help me with my geometry,” she replied, hastily grabbing her math book while rolling her eyes. “I’m going upstairs.”
“Okay, why don’t you leave your phone down here so you can focus,” I gently said.
“Whatever, I was just going to use the calculator, but if you don’t trust me,” she huffed as she stomped up the stairs dropping her phone on the couch.
Whoa.
Truth be told, I was a little hurt at my daughter’s reaction—and this wasn’t the first time. She often made snide remarks about simple requests and was regularly embarrassed by anything I said or did in front of her friends. Her Jekyll-and-Hyde behavior was tiresome.
When Your Teen Suddenly Seems Like a Different Person
She was a great kid who sometimes said snarky things to her mother. Sometimes, we could hang out like when she was younger, sharing a hot chocolate or watching a movie, and other times she treated me like I had leprosy. I often wondered what I was doing wrong, and my hurt feelings were getting in the way of our relationship.
I hated the direction our relationship was heading. I had heard about what the teenage years were like, and I thought I had done the things that would prevent them. But the joke was on me. I was in the thick of the puberty forest with three teenagers and nowhere to turn.
Related: Puberty Hit and Suddenly My Son’s Volatile Moods Took Over
I knew this behavior was normal, and I knew my daughter was struggling with a few things that were typical with adolescents—like growing five inches in a year, joining a new friend group, and taking some challenging classes—but that didn’t mean I didn’t miss her, too.
I think my mistake was that I felt the behavior was a reaction to me, and something I could control by doing things differently. And I tried everything. But what I really needed to do was to be patient and understanding. Stay available. And work on my own emotions so I could help my daughter work on hers.
6 Ways I Navigated Parenting with a Difficult Teenager
1. I took a step back at times.
Not so far that I lost my connection, but enough that I wasn’t in her face all the time. It meant letting her have that time in her room but insisting we eat dinner together. It meant offering to take her for Boba tea but not forcing her. It meant offering to drive her friend group but not always inserting myself in it.
That was hard.
2. I let some things go.
I also needed to learn that I had to take my sail out of her teenage category five wind. That meant letting some things go, like the snappish remark when she got home from school or the eye roll when I asked if she did her homework.
I tried not to emphasize the behavior that bothered me, and instead just let her know I would be around if she wanted to talk.
This was also hard.
3. I acted like the adult and let her be the kid.
I kept reminding myself that she was exactly where she was supposed to be in this stage of life, with all her angst, sass, and frustration—but I was the grown-up. I was the one who was supposed to show her how to behave, not participate in her behavior.
And again. It was hard.
Over time, I learned that she was calm when I was calm—and I never held a grudge.
4. I assigned appropriate consequences and set clear boundaries.
I tried to hold firm with some consequences that I set up in advance when she went past our agreed-upon communication boundaries, like having to stay home on a Sunday to help around the house instead of going to hang out with friends, having to come home earlier, or limiting apps on the phone. I only had to do that a few times once she saw I meant it. Sometimes we agreed to these things in writing just to make sure we were both clear.
5. I stayed curious instead of furious.
I remembered who my daughter was at her core and often found out her behavior towards me was about how someone else treated her. I tried to offer guidance and get her to understand her feelings and process them instead of scrolling them away all night.
6. I limited my lectures.
Even though I constantly wanted to tell her the way she was treating me was wrong, I tried to listen more than I talked. I let go of the fear that she was becoming a different person and remembered that I knew her deep down. She had new interests, new friends, and a new attitude, but she was also the same girl.
Related: Overstimulation May Be Causing Your Teen’s Difficult Behavior
Parenting Means Losing Some Battles but Loving Hard Either Way
At the end of the day, I gave up on the feeling of winning each battle and tried to remember the connection I wanted to forge with her over time.
Loving her through this hard was incredibly challenging. It meant I had to change so much about myself while she changed, too.
But loving hard is always worth it.
Are you in the thick of it with an angsty teen?
Then you should definitely read Whitney Fleming’s new book You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either. For parents, raising adolescents means learning about themselves too―the good, the bad, and the ugly. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship.
Parenting teens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
Dear Teen Son: Your Words Hurt But My Love is Stronger
Dear Ilona Maher: Thanks for Teaching Teen Girls (and Moms) About Body Positivity
No One Can Trigger You Like Your Own Teen
This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers
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