Inside: It can be scary when your son won’t talk to you, but it doesn’t mean your relationship has to stay that way. Here are five tips to connect with your tween or teen son when they go silent.
One day my tween son came home from school and threw his backpack on the ground. He shoved a granola bar in his mouth, huffed at me and his little sister, and then stormed upstairs. As a kid who’s usually pretty happy-go-lucky, I knew something was wrong.
I calmly went up to his room to check on him, but to my disappointment, he didn’t want to talk.
His anger and unruly emotions wanted to stay within himself and he had no desire to share them with me. And because it was the first time he shut me out, it felt a little scary.
There are a lot of reasons adolescent boys go silent.
The truth is, there are a lot of developmental reasons our sons stop talking and start hiding their emotions, including:
Hormones: While we often marvel at how much teenagers change during puberty, it can be a lot for the kid experiencing it. Acne, growth spurts, and weird voice changes can turn even the most confident kid into a self-conscious tween or teen.
Middle school is hard. With so many changes going on, middle school can be a tough place to go through this awkward phase. It’s often during these years they start noticing that they may have romantic feelings or their friendships may change significantly. Many boys feel like the less said, the less they will get ridiculed or stand out.
Adolescent boys do not know how to express themselves. Boys, particularly when they are teenagers, are not given the same emotional education as girls because people often believe the lie that males have the emotional capacity for three emotions: Glad, sad, and mad. We do not encourage boys, particularly in the teenage years, to feel the full range of emotions, and we certainly are not teaching boys how to manage their emotions.
Peers become more important. Perhaps the saddest fact for parents is what psychologists call re-centering. This is when a tween or teen starts to become more inwardly focused and more geared to form attachments to people outside of their home environment. Sometimes if your son won’t talk to you, it doesn’t mean they aren’t talking to someone. This often manifests in statements like, “You don’t understand me.”
They do not want to feel judged. As our boys are figuring things out, sometimes they go silent because they feel like everyone has an opinion on their choices and how they are supposed to act, so sometimes our sons go silent just because they feel like it’s easier.
What to Do When Your Son Stops Talking
So, as a mother with zero clue how to react to son going silent, I made a mistake—I nagged him.
This, of course, only pushed him away further.
So, after giving him some space and time, I decided to make him his favorite food: bacon.
He must have smelled it because he was lured into the kitchen even before all of it was cooked. Finally, after downing some of the good greasy stuff, he opened up about an awkward friend situation going on at school.
No, we didn’t come up with a solution, but his shoulders relaxed the moment he started getting it off his chest. For that incident, he just needed someone to listen.
Since then, my son fluctuates between shutting me off from his emotions and letting me in. Thankfully, our relationship still feels connected—most of the time.
I mean, he’s a tween, after all. Emotions are ever-changing. But luckily, I’ve learned a few tricks along the way.
Five Easy Ways to Connect if Your Son Won’t Talk to You
- Start a form of written communication
Sometimes talking face-to-face with your son can feel a little awkward, perhaps even for you. So, starting a written line of communication can be an easier way to chat. One idea that I’ve adopted with my son is to have a journal that the two of you share. I may write down a question or tell him a little story. Then I’ll simply place it by the nightstand next to his bed and he’ll write me back. I also tell him that if he ever has something on his mind or did something he’s too embarrassed to tell me in person, he can write it down there—and I have to promise not to yell about it.
If you don’t think your son would be into the journal thing, you could also leave notes for one another, type emails, or even text if you know your son will respond better that way. Sometimes even a fun meme exchange can get your son communicating more.
Overall, sometimes things are just easier in writing.
2. Incorporate food into your bonding
Food has a magical way of drawing people closer together, especially teens and tweens. You can try going to your son’s favorite restaurant, baking together, or even cooking their favorite meal. Also, never underestimate delivering your big kid’s favorite to him in his bedroom or dropping it off at practice. Not only will these special moments mean a lot to your son, but sharing in the cooking process or meal together can go miles and perhaps even allow your him to open up.
3. Get Outdoors
Mother Nature has magical nurturing powers, and sometimes adolescents need to get moving in order to organize their thoughts. So, when your son won’t talk to you, going outside can get them comfortable or just connecting with you overall. First, think about what your son likes to do best outside and then offer that. Perhaps they like biking, hiking, fishing, kayaking, or even just taking the dog for a walk. Present them with this idea and then see where it takes you. If he starts opening up, then gradually ask them questions about their life.
As tempting as it is, don’t make the same mistake I’ve made (too many times, if I’m being honest) by interrogating them about whatever it is you think is on their mind. Just see where the conversation takes you and enjoy being together.
4. Just Listen
It sounds so simple, but honestly, teenagers just want to be heard. Tweens and teens desperately want some control over their life, and communication is one area where they can exert some decision-making authority. They can decide whether they let you in or keep you out.
It can be difficult as parents not to feed them their daily lecture, but avoiding it can help build your relationship.
Teens yearn for a safe space where they know they’re loved. Simply showing you care about them can go a long way. One way to do this is to ask questions about their friends. Their friends are important to them because they help them feel less alone and give them a sense of belonging. If you show your son you support his friends, that will mean the world to him—and he might just open up to you.
Further, when you really listen to your son, he’ll likely feel safe to tell you anything. He won’t feel shame for making any bad decisions (because they’re teens, so they will make bad decisions) and they won’t fear you either. From here, they’ll understand that you encourage him to feel all of his feelings. Growing up is confusing and all emotions are part of the process. So, listening can have superpowers if your son feels that it’s genuine.
5. Do Something You Know They Love
There’s nothing better than spending time with your son doing something they love. Yes, even if that something they love is playing a video game, watching YouTube videos, or something else you find painstakingly boring. This time together can help strengthen your bond and perhaps even lead to your son sharing things with you regularly.
Also, let your son into your world as well. You could also try making a playlist together, attending a concert, binging a show on Netflix, playing a sport you love, or travelling.
Are you looking for more resources regarding how to talk with your teen?
Check out our free ebook here: How to Talk to Your Teen – parentingteensandtweens.com which is full of resources and tips on how to connect with your big kid.
Angela-Anagnost Repke is a writer and writing instructor dedicated to raising two empathetic children. She hopes that her graduate degrees in English and counseling help her do just that. Since the pandemic, Angela and her family have been rejuvenated by nature and moved to northern Michigan to allow the waves of Lake Michigan to calm their spirits. She has been published in Good Housekeeping, Good Morning America, Parents, Romper, and many more.
Parenting teens and tweens is no easy task, but we’ve got more helpful posts to help you:
How To Have A More Peaceful Relationship With Your Teen; Guaranteed
How to Encourage Teen Boys to Be More In Touch with Their Emotions
This Is The Type Of Conversation That Will Build Trust And Connection With Your Teen
The Best Connections – How To Have Fun Together With Your Teen
This is What To Say And Do When Your Teen Is In A Funk
When you are in the thick of raising teens and tweens, we recommend Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love by Whitney Fleming. In Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love, blogger Whitney Fleming shares her favorite essays about raising three teenagers in today’s chaotic world. Written from the perspective of a fellow parent, each story will leave you with tears in your eyes and hope in your heart because someone else is saying exactly what’s been going through your mind.
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