I picked my daughter up from school the other day and it was immediately apparent she was in a “mood”.
You know what I’m talking about. That dreaded combination of silent and sullen, mixed with a side of sassy. All the teenage signs that scream “I’m having a no good very bad day and please leave me alone, because no matter what you do I’m going to be annoyed with you.”
I dared to ask her if she was okay.
She simply replied, “I’m tired.”
I almost might have preferred if she’d bitten my head off, but her lack of snipe set off my my mama worry bells.
I knew my daughter was overwhelmed. She missed school the last week due to a terrible stomach virus that took her down. There was tons of make up work for those missed days and she had very little time to get it all done. She was still recovering from a weekend swimming competition and was anxiously anticipating the biggest swim meet of the season this coming weekend. The pressure to swim her best time was already weighing on her.
She was tired and stressed out, and so it wasn’t surprising she had fallen into a funk.
My heart hurt for my girl.
I hated that she had to feel this way and was struggling with so much on her plate. I wanted to help, to make her heavy load a little lighter, to encourage her in some way.
I asked her more questions trying to get a better idea of what was going on in that head of hers, but it was clear there would be no “good talks” that particular day. We just sat silently in the car for the rest of the drive home.
It seemed there was nothing I could say to make things any better. But I broke the silence every now and then, still trying to encourage her and tell her what a great job she was doing with everything. She just nodded in response to my attempts, almost annoyed with my urgency to help.
I knew how she was feeling. Haven’t we all been there? That awful place where there’s simply nothing anyone can say or do to clear away those dark clouds hanging over us?
It’s a funk.
I recognized the signs all too well and my sweet-natured usually positive girl was down deep.
So, as we pulled into the driveway, it hit me. I could ask her how I could help, what could I do for her during this really difficult time.
She shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know, mom.”
I quickly thought through everything going on in her life searching for something tangible I could do to alleviate her stress, and then I suddenly knew!
I pictured her disastrous room. There were piles and piles of clean laundry stacked on her floor that I’d been expecting her to put away, but she just hadn’t been able to get to it. I thought about all the papers, hair accessories, and random things strewn haphazardly about the room. I knew in the last few weeks she barely had time to catch up on her schoolwork and make it to practice, let alone dive into the mess that had taken over her room. The space that is usually her comfort zone, her healing haven, her private place of respite and recuperation looked like a war zone. I was sure it was only adding to this funk that had settled over her.
So, I offered a lifeline.
“Would you like me to put your laundry away and clean up your room?”
And in that instant, her head lifted and her face shifted and her eyes opened wider as she looked at me for the first time during that dreadful drive. Her sunken demeanor changed drastically. It was as if the burden she had been carrying somehow eased up, if only a little bit. I could see both relief and gratitude in her gaze and I knew I had found one small thing I could do to make my girl’s life a little bit easier.
“Oh, yeah mom, that would be great,” she replied with such heartfelt emotion.
After I got her to practice, I came home and got to work. I cleaned up everything, everywhere, and her sanctuary was restored.
It didn’t fix everything, but at least she had one place with some order when every other part of her life felt out of control. It was one area where I could step in and be her mom, to show her someone cared and she wasn’t in it alone.
Yes, keeping her room clean should be her responsibility, but there are times when all of us find ourselves drowning in all our responsibilities. And she’s a teenager in a world that is asking more and more of our young people. They get so much flak for being lazy and entitled, but I know she juggles so much more than I ever did at her age.
She’s still my child and I’m always working to move her towards independence.
But sometimes she just needs me to be her mom.
She needs me to see when she is struggling and be there for her in whatever way I can.
When we know our kids are sinking further and further into a funk, it’s not fun. And they can be pretty awful. It can be so easy to react negatively to what may seem like our kids being rude or dismissive or disrespectful. And no – their funk shouldn’t justify bad behavior, but it might be masking something deeper. And these are the moments when we have the chance to either build up our relationships with our teens or break them down.
So, before you respond with the urge to judge, discipline, or tell them they better change their attitude STAT, you might want to consider what’s going on in their lives, their minds, their hearts- because oftentimes, something’s up and they just don’t have the ability or desire to talk about it.
They may be frustrated that they can’t figure it all out on their own and probably have no idea what could help them feel better.
But if we simply ask “What can I do for you?”
If we look for ways to show them our support, offer grace and provide them with that unconditional love that comes with being their mom, that just might be exactly what they need to start climbing out of that funk.
Our kids have so much pressure to perform in their teenage worlds and when they come home from having a no good very bad day, or week they need to *finally* allow themselves to unravel.
These teen years are rough and our kids need us to be in their corner even when, no, especiallywhen, they fall in the infamous teen funk.
So, next time you notice your teen in a funk…
Try asking them that simple question or offer to do something for them that you know they would appreciate.
Because sometimes this might be the best way we can love them when they’re in that funky place.
This post was contributed by Christine Carter who writes at TheMomCafe.com, where she hopes to encourage mothers everywhere through her humor, inspiration, and faith. Her work is published on several various online publications as well. She is the author of “Help and Hope While You’re Healing: A woman’s guide toward wellness while recovering from injury, surgery, or illness.”
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That was very helpful for me I try to do some of those things for my boys I clean they room,cook them something to eat before they go to work and after school and try to always be there when they need someone to talk to now I’m trying to get a better mother son relationship with each one of them
It sounds like you’re a wonderful mom, Donna. XO
Donna, Keep on loving your sons unconditionally. I’m a Dad reading this because a Mom friend shared the post. I did everything wrong! I see now how simple it could have been. Twelve years ago our 18 year-old son Jeffrey died of an accidental fall. It took that one moment to change me for the better immediately. I don’t know how, but everything Christine said somehow flooded into my life naturally. Jeffrey’s sister and brother have a loving and accepting Dad, whom I couldn’t have imagined. I know Jeffrey forgives me. Guilt on top of grief was maddening. But now when I replay the scenes of our worst times, Jeffrey is glowing instead, and embracing me in Love. Thank you for sharing, and thank you Christine for sharing your wisdom. Dad’s need to hear it too.
Not just for our girls, but sometime we just wish there’d be someone like that there for us! Go, mom.
I love this Chris, it really shows your heart. The love and support you offer your kids is amazing. I wonder if they know how lucky they are. I would usually get frustrated and angry because I felt helpless and didn’t know what else to do. And of course this did no good. Thank you for sharing!
My teens are adults now but your insights into how to talk with them, encourage them and grow responsibility are so true. Keep going, mom! It’s easier to give up but better for everyone when you parent as you have shared. Thanks for some very good posts.
Thank you!! I needed to read this!!
My daughter actually has told me this very thing! Cleaning her room for her when she is depressed or anxious and can’t find the energy really helps her to relax in her safe zone.
Thank you. I needed to read this TODAY. My son is in a funk.
Your daughter’s love language is “Acts of Service” maybe and that really meant a lot to her. Great reminder that we all need help at times.
Just had this situation yesterday, picked up my daughter and could tell she was in a “mood”, tried to be supportive and ask questions and listen, could tell she didn’t want to talk but could see the sadness in her eyes, tried to cheer her up, took her to her appointment, offered to get her Starbucks (her fav), she declined, then after the appointment agreed, became more moody later and said she was just going to bed at 5 pm, which worried me, although I know she has been tried. She hadn’t eaten dinner, done homework or her chores. I let her sleep for an hour. Then baked some cookies. And went into her room and asked to lay down with her. She gave me a big hug and said she was hungry. We spent the rest of the night watching a movie, looking online at clothes and talking about her frustrations. She ate dinner, showered and had cookies and even did some homework. And before she went to bed, she said, thanks mom for being so great to me. I said I love you always.
I love it. Great idea. Even help organize their backpack, plug in devices. Do their chores for the afternoon. It’s lovely when someone sweeps in to help us with , dinner laundry etc.