Dear Teen: Sometimes You Don’t Find Your People in High School

Dear teen:

I saw you looking a little dejected on your phone the other day, sprawled out on the couch on a Friday night.

I know you were wondering why you weren’t included, or maybe you thought that you should have been doing something other than sitting at home with your parents.

It broke my heart when you told me how someone you thought was your friend treated you. One day you were inseparable besties who did everything together; the next you were ghosted without explanation.

And I’ve watched as you sometimes struggle to fit in.

I wonder if you’re doing okay, but the truth is, I know you’re doing okay. Or, I know you will be okay.

Your grades are decent, and your heart is pure. You don’t get in much trouble and work hard at the things you love. You have people that care about you deeply.

But I know it hurts that you aren’t always included in those big social outings or have plans every weekend. I know you seek deeper friendships with people who care about the same things you do. I know you struggle to understand why some people don’t treat others the way you think they should.

But the truth is, sometimes you don’t find your people in high school.

High school is hard on everyone.

I think it’s a tough time to be in high school. I know it’s a tough time to be a parent of a high schooler.

First, there is the typical stuff, including all the hormones and angst and drama that happens during this time. Your teenage brains and bodies are developing at rapid pace, and it can be hard to find people who are in the same place developmentally as you are.

Everyone is trying to figure out who they are and who they want to become. High school students are constantly trying stuff on, different personalities, different experiences, and different kinds of relationships. It’s impossible when you want to stand out and fit in simultaneously.

And social media doesn’t make it any easier. Apps like Instagram and SnapChat push a constant barrage of curated images that can make you feel lonely and excluded despite being constantly surrounded by your peers.

Related: Watching My Lonely Teen Navigate High School Breaks My Heart

Most of us don’t find our people in high school

But here’s the thing, dear teenager, that you must know.

Most of us don’t find our people in high school.

You will find them, but it may not be until after you graduate. It could be in college, the military, or your first job, but it will come.

High school is like learning to ride your bike with training wheels. Your parents, teachers, coaches, and advisors oversee your behavior. They tell you where to be and when–and quite often, you are forced to be around certain groups you wouldn’t usually seek out.

After high school, you get to start over with new freedoms.

You have more choices on who and what you spend your time on (mostly). You can be more selective and probably have more options to seek out people with shared interests.

There will be more opportunities to share meals and get to know people on a deeper, personal level. You can have discussions on topics you are passionate about and forge bonds. You will find people who have the same goals, the same sense of humor, the same career aspirations or you will be exposed to entirely new ways of thinking that transform your worldview.

You may keep these types of relationships for the rest of your lives. You will keep in touch easily, vacation together, be in their weddings, get to know their partners and support them as much as they support you.

You will find your people. It just might not be in high school.

Related: How to Help Your Teen Identify and Manage a Toxic Friendship

Friendship becomes easier when you figure out what’s important to you

I know these high school years are tough. I know that sometimes you are confused by how people treat you and others.

But I hope you use these years to figure out who YOU are.

I hope you keep trying to find your passions and discover what brings you joy.

I hope you put yourself out there and know that other people’s behavior is a reflection of them and not you.

I hope you define your self-worth by your actions and how you feel about yourself, and not from others. Learning to love yourself exactly as you are,is the best gift you will ever receive.

And I hope you remember that high school is just one small stepping stone to what can be a beautiful life if you stay patient.

I know it’s hard to believe, but the best is yet to come.

How can parents help their teens through these challenging high school years?

• Teach gratitude: being grateful for the small stuff often makes a teenager understand what really is important in this world. Check out this list of gratitude apps that can help your teen with this critical life skill.
• Practice self-acceptance: Life is full of disappointments, disagreements, and discouragement. When we seek validation from an external source and don’t receive it, we can go into a spiral. Inner peace may seem unattainable to a teenager, but once you learn to feel content with who you are, your need for acceptance from other sources decreases. Practicing mindfulness can help with this. Check out this post: Six Of The Best Mindfulness Apps For Teens To Help Them Manage Life
• Reserve your judgment of others. Simply put, a person who makes harsh judgments of other people is more likely to be insecure about how those people view them in return. When we see our teens being treated poorly, we often try to build them up by tearing the other person down. Unfortunately, the way we speak about others becomes our inner monologue. That doesn’t mean we have to like or enjoy everyone you meet, but being overly critical and negative of others can make you like yourself less as well.
• Less scrolling/stay busy. While smartphones and devices are now integral parts of our lives, especially for teens who need them for homework and other basic needs, too much idle time can wreak havoc on our self-esteem, decrease our motivation, and have a significant impact on mental health. Teens who volunteer, participate in some social activities, have a hobby they love, hold down a part-time job, etc., often end up with better self-esteem. Not sure where to start? Read this post: Tired of Yelling at Your Teen to Get Off Their Phone? Try This Trick Instead

Looking for a good book to help you understand what today’s teens are facing?

Then you should definitely pre-order Whitney Fleming’s new book You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either. For parents, raising adolescents means learning about themselves too―the good, the bad, and the ugly. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship.

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