It is hard to watch your teen feel consumed by loneliness.
My teen is well-liked and accepted, I gather. He doesn’t complain about getting picked on or bullied by their classmates; he doesn’t receive threatening messages or mean comments through their phone.
He looks okay on the outside: earning good grades, participating in activities, and getting through each day the best they can.
But as a parent, you see the little things, like how your child always walks out of school alone. Or how they seem excited about going to the school play or a football game or a dance, but have to ask around to find someone to go with them, and often receive a lot of no’s because they have made other arrangements. And when it comes to making plans on the weekend or catching a ride to an event, he’s rarely included.
In my son’s case, it’s not that people go out of their way to exclude him. It’s just that most of the time, his peers don’t seem to notice or remember him.
In fact, I think he’s rarely thought of at all.
It was easier when he was younger
I used to be able to help him with social situations. We joined cub scouts, and I would host events or parties. I could text another mom and set up a playdate. I could encourage him to sign up for sports or activities.
He seemed to do okay back then. Small friendships would develop, and I would be hopeful that he found a buddy.
But then the school year would change, or teams would dissolve, and we started all over.
When middle school came along, it became more challenging. While his friends seemed to grow their groups, my son became more isolated by the day.
He didn’t make a club sports team. He didn’t have anyone he knew in his classes. He struggled to find something that would fuel more social interactions.
When he started high school, it just seemed to get worse.
Not everyone finds their people in high school
High school can be a lonely place for a teenager.
When adolescents are trying to figure out who they are and their place in this world, they crave relationships with their peers.
They crave to be invited, to be noticed, to be accepted.
But for some, like my son, the loneliness is palpable.
It’s important to remember that loneliness doesn’t always come from being alone. It’s the feeling of aloneness even in the presence of others. Loneliness is a perceived individual experience. There’s a sense of detachment, alienation, and isolation.
We encourage him to put himself out there, to be brave, and invite others to participate, but I know there are times he feels rejected and humiliated, I know there are times his self-esteem takes blow after blow.
Sometimes I can feel it as he sits by me at the dinner table, pushing his food around his plate. Or, I see a pained expression when he looks at his phone on a Friday night. Or, when a big event like Homecoming is approaching, and he doesn’t know if he will find anyone to go with him.
I know he’s a little different, my sweet son.
He moves at a slower pace than his peers. He’s more sensitive, more intuitive, more thoughtful about his words and actions.
He has always been more of an observer than a leader, a better listener than the life of the party.
These qualities are admirable, but in today’s world, where teens prefer to be stimulated around the clock, it can make a kid like my son become invisible.
My husband says he understands his plight. He tells me he was an invisible teen, too.
“It’s not that they told me they didn’t want me there,” he explains about his high school years. “It’s just that they didn’t care if I wasn’t there, either.”
“He’ll make his friends in college,” he assures me. “He just needs to find people like him, who appreciate his best qualities as you appreciate mine. It’s just hard for you to understand.”
And it is. As an extrovert who easily makes friends, I set my own expectations aside many years ago. I don’t need him to be popular, but I do wish he had one or two trustworthy friends.
Watching your lonely teen navigate this complicated world will break your heart
I know my teen is not alone.
Loneliness statistics show that:
- More than 70% of teens experience recurring loneliness
- 40% of those aged 16-24 say they feel lonely often or very often, more than any other age group
- High school seniors spend one hour less per day engaging in face-to-face interactions with their peers, compared to those of the same age in the 1980s
But even though I know we will get through this challenging time, it is difficult to know that my hands are tied to fix this problem for my child and that there is no end in sight.
Sometimes we see glimmers of hope. He may get invited to a party or participate in an activity that seems to open a door. But it never seems to last, and we return to where we started.
Truth be told, my son handles his situation better than I do, I think. He fills his time with creating 3D projects and video games and working out. He will sign up to volunteer for a club and he has even gone to a school sporting event by himeself.
As a family, we fill the cracks when it seems like he needs us. We watch movies or go out to eat. He’ll play games with his younger siblings or go with me to the store.
But in the spaces we can’t fill, when I know he feels the loneliness like a wet blanket he can’t shake off, that’s when I worry, that’s when my heart breaks, that’s when I stay awake all night hoping that my son’s belief in his future is bigger than the loneliness he feels that night.
I hope this experience will make him stronger. I hope it teaches him how to treat others. I hope he knows he is so very loved.
I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to raise a lonely teenager
Parents are on the front lines of this battle, and it is hard.
Teen loneliness can be accompanied by a variety of physical, mental, and emotional symptoms. It’s important that parents recognize any sudden changes in their teenagers so intervention can begin as soon as possible.
Know the signs of teen suicide. Watch for anxiety and depression. Consider finding a professional for your child to talk to, and maybe even someone for yourself as well.
Try not to focus on it, no matter how upsetting it may seem to you. Don’t constantly point it out or tell them how bad you feel for them. There are times that teens may want to be alone to decompress or that it isn’t a big deal to them.
If they do choose to open up about it, as my son did on one long drive, don’t interrupt and let them get it all out, no matter how silly it may seem to you. Wait until they are done talking. Explain that, as a parent, you don’t necessarily understand everything they are feeling, and you don’t necessarily have the tools to help, but you are there for them, and you will do whatever they need to get through this time.
And don’t get upset if your teen doesn’t open up to you, but does to someone else.
My mom ego was a bit bruised when I found out my son confided in his grandmother about his loneliness during his freshman year.
After I put my own baggage aside, I recognized that even though I believe my son knows I’m a trusted connection for him, it can be humiliating to admit just how lonely you feel.
I had to dig deep to realize that my son admitting it to his grandmother was a wonderful thing and most likely helped him deal with his feelings.
It’s okay to admit that parenting a lonely teen is hard
I constantly worry that he is eating lunch alone or that he didn’t get invited to something.
I worry that he is spending too much time in his room.
I worry that his loneliness will take over his life and make him bitter and resentful.
Sometimes as him mom, it makes me bitter and resentful.
If you are raising a lonely teen, know that it’s not too much to want your child to be seen. It’s not too much to want your child to feel included and accepted and loved.
Sometimes we can’t fix our teens’ loneliness, but we can make sure they never feel alone.
And that’s a gift they can take with them for the rest of their lives.
Thank you for this article about parenting a lonely teen. I am that mom. That is my situation now. This article hits it on the head and I ended up bawling while reading and thensome. I’ll finish crying and continue to make sure he doesn’t feel so alone. Thank you for this!
I so get this. It’s very painful and my heart breaks regularly. Thank you for writing this.
I feel this, I cried as I read it
I definitely stay up at night worrying about my girls
They have so many talents that one day will serve them well, we live in a smaller community ans they just don’t seem to “fit in”
It’s nice to know someone else feels the same, doesn’t make it any better but it’s helpful to think about not letting them be alone
I feel this, I cried as I read it
I definitely stay up at night worrying about my girls
They have so many talents that one day will serve them well, we live in a smaller community ans they just don’t seem to “fit in”
It’s nice to know someone else feels the same, doesn’t make it any better but it’s helpful to think about not letting them be alone
I truly felt this! Thank you for writing it. As a mom of a teen feeling just like your son. My wish is that the world could see them just as we do as moms! ♥️
I needed to read this today! Having recently moved my two teenage boys across the country during these crucial high school years, I feel the pang of their loneliness every day. And I carry guilt on top of it for being the reason for the move. I know it won’t be like this forever but it helped to read this and know I’m not alone with this heartache. Thank you!
Thank you so much for writing this. My son is currently experiencing this as a freshman in HS. He isn’t into football and started the year ‘left out’ because of it. As parents we felt it too. We are left wondering why and was it something we did as parents. I don’t want to wish the next 3.5 years away but I want this seasonto pass as quickly as it can for his sake. Hugs to all that find themselves in a similar situation.
My son is experiencing the same separation as a freshman. His friends have chosen to play school sports and he plays for a club team and is not interested in joining the school teams. He has just fallen off their radar for socializing outside of school. If you’d like to connect, please feel free to contact me: jennscholz@yahoo.com
Very well said. Probably one of the most painful experiences of my life. My son did go onto college and found his people. He’s having a great experience but I do see the scars occasionally. I think counseling may have helped.
My teenager is a senior and he still has no one to hang out with!
Truely devastating.
I feel everyone’s concern & sadness.
As others have said, thank you for writing this. I too have a teen that is struggling to find a friend in high school. They were thriving in middle school, then covid hit. School was virtual for a year and a half. Then she was forced to go back, but now as a freshman at the biggest school in town. The anxiety and the loss of social experiences were just enough to make making friends an absolute struggle…even now as a sophmore…not a one. 🙁 She is so lonely and wow do we feel their pain. Hugs to all of us parents and good vibes to all of our kiddos…may they find their people soon.
I also have a sophomore daughter. My email is winter_bare@yahoo.com
I couldn’t get past the first couple of paragraphs. There were at least 3 sentences/phrases in the first three paragraphs with mixed pronouns that made no sense. For example: “HE doesn’t receive threatening messages or mean comments through THEIR phone.”
You can’t use both “he” and “they” in a sentence to refer to the same person. Pick one.
Are you serious!? My god you’re an idiot!
Thank you for this wonderful article. My son is very similar. He has SPD, ADHD and gross motor skill delays that make him a little different. People like him, but they don’t include him, because he can be hard to befriend. He isn’t great at small talk. He can monopolize conversations. He talks to himself sometimes.
It hurts my momma heart, but I also know that he WILL find his people one day, and they will appreciate his kindness, his sense of humor and his intelligence.
Omg. This is me
This article found me and although it made me cry , I’m glad that it did. My daughter is 12, it’s her first year in public school. Her loneliness started before our move. She struggled to assert herself to pursue friendships outside of school and now she’s struggling to fit in at her new school. Although she doesn’t eat alone, exchanges excitement when we see someone from school while we’re out , she hasn’t been able to develop a friendship further than school interactions. She’s been in therapy for years for anxiety and other misc challenges so we continue to talk about it there. Her world remains online and although I hear her laughing and excited there, she still deeply wants a buddy. It hurts to watch it and it hurts to hear it , she talks to me about it. I keep reassuring her that there’s plenty of the school year left and that I’m sure she’ll have closer friends come summer break. I hope to not eat those words. Thank you for this, I needed to read it as well as the comments of others. If there’s a way to connect some of us moms, I’d love to. alphasylum@yahoodotcom
My son read a book, Afrotistic, by Kala Omeiza and felt seen. It’s about a newly diagnosed neurodivergent teenager who starts at a new school in her sophomore year. In the book, they discuss how this teenager goes about finding her people. I highly recommend it.
Also, please let your teenager know that their feelings are valid. Do not dismiss them.
Also, consider therapy if possible so that they can learn life coping skills. College does not automatically fix these issues.
I just ordered that book. Great recommendation!
One thing that can really change a lonely kids life is to start taking them to Church. Pick a good size, not too large or too small. Pick a local Church with a good youth group. Evangelical Church’s are good choices. They emphasize Biblical study and teaching, this encourages the group to be inclusive and kinder. It just might provide a friend or two who will end up also in their school for them to gravitate to. And even if it doesn’t, it will give your child tools to deal with their loneliness.
I was just going to say the same thing… thank God for my little church. There’s actually hardly any kids there but it’s enough of a community to help my children feel loved and it’s like extended family. And it’s growing. My 9 year old has friends now! Working to help my 12 year old more. School can be so lonely for some reason… I hate that it happens to kids!! At least it helps to know we aren’t the ONLY ones feeling this. Sometimes that’s what it seems like.
After reading “Parenting a lonely teen” I felt compelled to say thank you and “wow”! It’s like you were in my head living my life and that my son is your child. It was so refreshing to know that I’m not alone. It’s hard to hear my friends comment on their child like “can’t keep up their social calendar….” Or “who knows where he’s off to now”. That would be a dream to me. My son is a sophomore and the only social event since HS was going to home football games. But yet he seems so content and I try to remind myself that being shy is Ok and I shouldn’t try to change him. On the other hand, I can’t help but be sad thinking that he’s not going to have HS experiences and life long friends like I had. It was much easier to facilitate social activities before he started high school. This is toughest challenge a I’ve had in life – to let it be or help. Thank you
What can you do as a parent or grandparents to help
Thank you for this. I am that mom too. I constantly worry about my son. He’s 14 and in 8th grade. He had a bit of a falling out with his only friend and told me he doesn’t have any friends, only acquaintances. It makes me so sad because he’s so funny and smart and I hate that he feels left out by his peers. But I always let him know I’m there for him always.
Thank you for this article. It resonates so deeply
I have felt this for a long time. Nothing hurts more than your child feeling lonely. My daughter struggles with social anxiety so as much as she craves friends, it’s challenging for her to make them. She’s in her third year of college and still has not met her posse. She knows she has the support of her family, but I so wish I had the power to make things easier for her.
My son was exactly this his freshman year. His progressed to depression and skipping school as no one seemed to even notice when he wasn’t there. We talked a lot and he is now in online high school. He still has online friends he plays video games with but the social pressure of high school is off. His grades and demeanor have done a 180 and it makes me so happy to see him happier, plus I get to hang out with him a lot more too.
THIS!!! You just described my son, a freshman in high school. It’s not that they don’t want him there, it’s just that they don’t care enough to invite him. Everybody talks about how social teens are and how they are always out with their friends. When my son isn’t like that, I feel something is wrong with him. My husband and I talk about it behind closed doors and worry ourselves into angry bitterness. It is a hard path. It helps to know he is not alone in his loneliness.
I would love to connect with other moms having this same experience. It weighs heavily on my mind and heart. Sharing stories may help combat this struggle. Anybody interested, please contact me at jennscholz@yahoo.com
I was this young man. Actually, it was worse for me.
I now know that a huge part of the challenge was serious depression.
Also, I didn’t ever learn to be a kid. I didn’t understand or like the things that my peers did (such as popular music). In high school, I pretty much lived on my bicycle… riding alone for hours and hours. The young man in the story above at least WANTS to go to prom. That is great!
As bad as high school was… my freshman year in college was ten times worse. My depression deepened until I was quite suicidal.
At no time did anyone around me (at school or at home) ever connect that I was deeply depressed, as apparently I put on a good face most of the time.
Decades later I got treatment for my depression which has been life changing.
Thank you for writing this post! As a mother that sees my daughter struggling with this same problem is hurts to not to be able to help. As a mother you always want to fix everything, but in this situation trying to fix finding friends for your child only hurts their feelings instead.
So as a mother I try to over compensate by taking her on shopping trips and expensive vacations and it seems to work for the time we are together enjoying life, but I know the pain is still there, because after all the shopping and fun exciting times we have she has no peers to share her stories with.
It’ was hard to fathom that my smart, funny and beautiful daughter would have trouble in the Friend’s department because even though she is very reserved she is a ball of fun- I just wish that other kids could see it too.
Thanks for this post it has opened my eyes that this isn’t just a we situation, and that other parents too feel the same pain I share too!
I was a lonely teen when I was in high school, so I can totally relate to your son’s struggles. I think one of the things that could have helped me during that time was counseling- to get all the thoughts in my head out to someone who could then give me good advice. But, to give you hope, I found my tribe in college. I learned to speak up and self advocate and made friends easily when I joined different clubs that interested me. I was no longer plagued my shyness, insecurities or loneliness. Perhaps your son will find himself in college too. In the meantime, try to be there for your son and do things with him that he enjoys. Having a family he can depend on is very important. Also, you can encourage him to speak with a youth counselor or perhaps join a youth group?
This piece made me gulp and take a deep breath. My wife and I see our high school age son deal with what looks like lonliness to us. We feel like we’re always trying to figure out how we can get him to spend time with us, rather than spending it in his room. We ask him if he’d like to have friend over and he often declines. He hasn’t shown interest in many school activities or functions. What exacerbates the feeling that he’s lonely is seeing all the pictures in social media of big groups going to school dances together; the one’s he’s never a part of. The last two lines of the column had me wishing there was more to this; ideas for how to help your teenager never feel alone. Regardless, I’m grateful for the article, just to know that my wife and I are not alone in this as parents. Thank you for that.
People were asking what you can do- might I suggest;
Assess your child for depression or social anxiety, and if they are prone, get them treatment early- don’t wait for them to “grow out of it.” Social anxiety becomes more ingrained with negative experiences/ imaginations.
Encourage them to talk to someone else each day- to look for someone else who is alone, or someone with whom they’ve never spoken. They may meet their new best friend.
Help them to know that the person may not respond initially, but hopefully with repeated attempts, a shy person will realize that you are interested in talking to them, and respond.
If necessary, suggest/ practice interactions/pat phrases that can initiate and terminate conversations to get them through the initial awkward/anxious moments.
Encourage them to try to make the other person at ease by asking questions about them or what they are doing, ( and it takes the pressure off your child to make conversation initially until conversation flows.)
Encourage them to volunteer or take jobs in areas that require social interactions- library, stores, restaurants, movie theatres, as it is easier to assume an “outgoing persona” there sometimes- and it gets them out in public, and gives them someone and something to talk about with family and friends.
Encourage activities where they develop skills that boost their confidence, again it passes the spare time, and give them more to talk about.
Church groups/ craft/music groups, etc. where you concentrate on doing something together, so conversations/interactions flow.
Encourage them to start a group that they are interested in- hopefully with the support of an interested teacher who might “talk it up with other students” they come across.
Encourage reading as it passes the time well, and again gives them something to talk about.
Ask them to exercise (with you)- walking/running/biking, weight lifting, etc. as it is a good habit to develop and a great stress reducer.
Teach them to cook and do the laundry and grocery shop/budget before they go away to school. It improves their confidence (and knowledge) and that confidence in all their new skills may begin to show in their interactions with others.
Hopefully they will meet more compatible friends as they choose areas of future study, but by teaching them to reach out to others at younger age they may find interesting peers, and establish successful habits. Prayers for all of you heartbroken parents.
I took have a lonely teenage boy. He’s 16, a football player, and great looking with a great personality. If others take the time to get to know him they love him but so many of these kids are already bonded to cliques or don’t seem to care about making new friends. You’d think that a member of a football team would have a team of friends. It doesnt. My son says he is acquaintances with everyone but actually friends with a few.
It doesn’t help that his younger brother in the same school has a pile of friends he hangs out with constantly. Most weekends are spent with family. I try to keep us busy but like you said, there are times when the loneliness is worse.
My son has been cursed with losing friends. His whole life… Everytime he gains a close friend they end up moving away. It’s heart breaking to watch a person with so much to offer shrink inside themselves because it hurts less.
I keep hoping and dreaming of his future college years. May all the lonely loners find loyalty and lasting friendships.
So hit home for my youngest. I hope she really finds her tribe at college. She has chosen a very small school but hope that makes it better!
I too lived through having a son who had no friends in high school. I can tell you they do find their tribe in college though. When I dropped him at college it was the hardest thing I had ever done and the first night he met some boys like him and he is 33 years old now and is still good friends with them. As hard as it is it will get better
I feel as thou I could of written this myself. Thank you for putting this nto words. ❤️