This is a contributed post by Tim Jones, M.D., author of the upcoming book Mentors and Tormentors: On the Journey to Self-Respect
Most parents worry about their teens being influenced and manipulated by peers or social
media – and for good reason. Some peer pressure is normal, but there are times our teens can be manipulated into doing or trying things they wouldn’t normally partake if not for a master manipulator.
As an ER physican, I see it every day. Many of the patients I treat in the ER are manipulated, unable to say no, overloaded by the demands of others, bullied, conned, or beaten down physically and emotionally. For example, last year, thousands of young people died from accidental overdoses, many from teens who were manipulated into trying drugs. The main culprit is fentanyl, a cheap, powerful narcotic. As a doctor, I give one-tenth of one milligram of fentanyl to motor vehicle crash victims with crushed and broken legs. On the street, a single aspirin dusted with one or two milligrams of fentanyl can kill an adult.
To protect your children, you must help them understand the art of manipulation and then teach them how to say no.
Their lives could depend on it.
What is manipulation, and why are teens so susceptible
According to Psychology Today, “psychological manipulation can be defined as the utilization of undue power (social, relational, familial, sexual, financial, professional, etc.) for the purpose of benefiting the manipulator at the expense of their victims.”
The short definition is manipulation occurs when someone uses deception, coercion, trickery, or fear to get what they want from others. Manipulators care only about their own interests.
Chronic manipulation is often used as a survival mechanism to cope with a challenging or competitive environment, especially when one lacks relative power and control. Pathological manipulation may also result from family, social, societal, or professional conditioning.
Manipulators are often intelligent and good at using subtle aggression to get what they want. They’re also highly skilled at deception, which can make it difficult to spot their behavior in the first place.
Teens, in particular, are extremely susceptible to manipulation, particularly by their peers. It’s not because teens are dumb (many intelligent adults are manipulated daily.) But instead, teens are more vulnerable to manipulation because of two big factors: cognitive development (the teen brain phenomenon) and lack of life experience.
How to understand and identify manipulation
The roots of all manipulation are the 3Bs: Beg, Bargain, and Bully.
These are the three “buttons” everyone pushes to manipulate others. As a parent, I’m sure you have been on the receiving end many times as teens can be master manipulators.
First, your teen will beg, “Please. Oh, come on. Please.”
If that doesn’t work, they will try to bargain with you and make a deal, “I won’t get into trouble. I’ll pay you back. I promise, ok?”
Finally, they will bully you by getting angry, spewing threats, and making you
feel guilty, “You never let me do anything! You promised. Why are you being so mean to me? You’ll be sorry! (sobbing) Just leave me alone.” They might even say they hate you.
Some teens will skip the begging and bargaining steps and go straight to bullying. Why waste time?
The 3Bs are not inherently evil or unethical – although dishonest bargaining
and violent bullying are. Begging, Bargaining, and Bullying are simply strategies for turning an unwelcome no into a reluctant yes.
Everyone uses them. We learn the 3Bs early on and quickly determine which button to push for maximum effect on a particular person.
Understanding and recognizing the 3Bs is the first step to learning an important life skill – how to say no.
How to identify potential manipulators
It can be tough to spot people with manipulative tendencies, but there are a few tell-tale signs, including people who:
- won’t take no for an answer and keep pushing
- use guilt to get their own way
- make excuses for their poor or hurtful behavior
- act differently with different people to get what they want
- give false praise when they want you to do something:
Six things all manipulators want
It’s important to teach your teenager about toxic and manipulative behavior. Sure, this may seem like a negative viewpoint, but learning who to trust and how to deal with and manage challenging personalities is an important life skill.
Related: How to Help Your Teen Identify and Manage a Toxic Friendship
There are only six things a person wants from you.
- Money
- Property or “things”
- To borrow something
- A favor
- Permission
- Your acceptance (anything from love to dealing with bad behavior)
After any request, you must decide whether to say yes or no. How can you
be sure?
Use a simple rule of thumb. If you cannot say yes in three seconds, the answer is
always no.
Why?
Because during those three seconds, you either know it is something you are willing to give, or you are thinking, “I wish they hadn’t asked me that.”
Then, your brain starts trying to figure out the following: What excuse can I use and how upset are they going to be when I turn them down?
We must teach our teens that it’s okay to say no. There is no need to hesitate or stammer around any longer. Immediately say no.
If the person respects the boundaries you are putting up, that will be the end of it.
But manipulators reflexively demand an explanation – to their satisfaction – for why they are being told no. Teens must be prepared to handle the “why not?” question.
How do we get out of these tricky situations? The fastest way to quash a manipulator is to tell them the blunt, honest, painful truth:
“Because I don’t want to.”
“Because I don’t have the money.”
“Because I don’t have the time.”
“Because I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Because I don’t think it’s legal.”
“Because I don’t … (just fill in the blank).”
You do not need to say you are sorry or otherwise apologize. You should never feel bad for standing up for yourself.
It’s also important to know your weaknesses and if you might be susceptible to manipulative behavior. If you have low self-esteem, often feel the need to please others, or feel emotionally dependent on other people, you may be more susceptible to manipulators.
How to deal with the 3Bs of Manipulation
You, as a parent, must become an expert at saying no for two reasons:
(1) To effectively set healthy boundaries for them (to keep them safe and accountable.)
(2) To teach your children how to stand up to peer pressure and manipulators –both in person and online. Modeling a behavior is the best way to ensure your child understands it.
You will no doubt hear the 3Bs (beg, bargain, and bully) from your teen, and you must show your teens how to navigate these behaviors.
They must learn that when you say, “No,” it means precisely that: It’s not gonna happen. Period.
Repeat the blunt, honest “Because I don’t …” truth as many times as needed until you wear them out.
Do not waste time and energy coming up with any other “excuses.”
A manipulator repeatedly bombards you with the “Why not?” question and the 3Bs.
They will even start skipping around with the 3Bs from bullying back to bargaining and
even begging before eventually stomping off or logging off with a hail of insults and threats.
Here is the important part: Do not worry.
They may not like your rejection, but they will respect your fortitude. After all, a person will never respect someone they can manipulate.
Always encourage your teen to imagine that you are standing next to
them when the manipulator makes his/her pitch. They can draw from the strength
of your previous examples.
A final point: Talk to your kids. When others tempt them with drugs or other dangerous behaviors and try to bully them for being “chicken” or “not cool” or that “you only live once,” have them reply, “You are absolutely right. Drugs scare me to death, and everyone does live only once. But I want my one holiday on this earth to last as long as possible.
“So my answer is no, because I don’t want to end up dead, addicted, or in jail.”
Period.
Tim Jones is the author of Mentors and Tormentors, available on Amazon.
Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays about Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.
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Fabulous! I can’t wait to read this book and use it for my own interaction with bullies and to share with my friends who are parenting teens. Thank you for providing simple, impactful example responses.