Dear Son,
I remember when you were three, and I thought, “wow, in 10 years, I’m going to have a teenager.”
It seemed so far away—but I blinked and here we are. You’re a full-fledged teenager, rocking middle school, growing facial hair, pushing limits, voice cracking up a storm, always hungry, and hiding out in the basement playing video games non-stop.
Thirteen is a big year for teens and their parents
I refuse to admit you’re taller than me now—you’ll always be my little boy. But here are 13 things I do want you to know as we launch into these teenage years (ready or not):
1. Having a 13-year-old is really fun
Remember when we were watching a Pixar movie recently with your little siblings? Your eyes got big, and you laughed out loud when you got the “adult” joke hidden in the dialogue. Your mind was blown when I told you that all Pixar movies have those little gems hidden throughout.
I didn’t realize that watching you understand more of the world—even snarky and off-color grown-up bits—would be so fun.
2. I’m committed to shaping your character
I know you think I’m always on your case about small stuff, but I want you to know that your character matters. When you tell a white lie about finishing your chores or homework, my mind jumps ahead to the need for truthfulness in the workforce ten years from now.
I always want you to be honest, do your best, and have integrity. I see the big picture, and these little choices you make at 13 are shaping your character now and in the future.
I know you hate these lectures, but I’m committed to helping you become a man of integrity.
Related: Dear Teenage Son, This Is The Kind Of Man We Hope You Will Become
3. The world can be scary (but you can come to me about your fears)
When you came home from school and told me everyone was talking about the latest school shooting in the news, my heart sank. I wish I could protect you from all the scary stuff in the world. It’s so hard to accept that you aren’t a little kid anymore.
I want you to know that you can always come to me with your hard questions about the world and about yourself. I’m going to do my best to answer them, but even if I can’t (because sometimes the hard stuff has no answer), know that I’m a safe place to lay down your fears.
4. Your mental health matters to me
Our society isn’t kind to men when it comes to mental health. You’ll hear all kinds of messages—from your friends to coaches to media—that boys are supposed to “man up” when it comes to stuff like anxiety and depression.
The jokes people tell and quips they make about being “crazy,” “psycho,” or “weak” may make you feel like you can’t share what’s going on in your head and heart.
But you can talk to me—always. Your mental health matters to me.
I don’t think you’re weak or crazy or that you just need to suck it up if you are fearful, anxious, heartbroken, or if it’s all coming out as anger. I’m on your team and we’re going to figure out how you can be your best self always, from the inside out.
Related: How to Encourage Teen Boys to Be More In Touch with Their Emotions
5. You need a shower—but you gotta let me know when you run out of body wash
Honey, I love you, but you stink. Take a shower, for the love! I know you took one three days ago, but guess what? It’s TIME AGAIN!
Also, when you run out of body wash, let me know! Standing in the water for 47 minutes without using soap does not count.
Yes, you need to use soap.
No, bar soap and shampoo are not the same thing (Why is this so hard??).
6. You’re allowed to be yourself
You’re 13, and that means you’re becoming your own person. You’re allowed to try new things. You’re allowed to figure yourself out. I’m here for it all.
I may not always like the clothes you pick (and we’ll still have conversations about standards in our family), but if you want to get 12 t-shirts with cats on them, go ahead. If you’re into dragons or anime, or punny hamburgers, or 100% sports jerseys, I’m here for that too.
I’ll really, really try not to argue with you about wearing a coat when it’s 13 degrees outside, and you leave for school in a hoodie.
You’re allowed to tell the hairdresser how you want your hair cut. You can grow a mustache if you really want to.
Thirteen is all about exploring the world and exploring yourself.
I’m here for your journey.
7. Big feelings come with big risks
It’s been a hot minute since I was 13. but I still remember how intense my emotions were when I had my first big crush.
I know it’s weird to talk to your mom about that stuff, but I get it. My heart melts a little bit when you bring up that special person. I see your smile, the one that you just can’t keep off your face, and how you insist that you’re “just friends.”
And then I see the shadow that comes over your life when that person stops talking to you out of the blue. You don’t know why. They were your best friend in gym.
I am so sorry, honey. I wish I could shield you from the pain of rejection and the confusion that comes from a lack of communication and the mysteries for first love.
Related: Here’s How to Help Your Teen Move on From Their First Heartbreak
Being 13 means big feelings, and big feelings come with big risks.
All your emotions are valid. I just want you to know I’m here for you—the excitement, the happiness, the newness, the confusion, the heartache and everything in between.
8. You are normal
Puberty is the pits; at 13, you’re in the middle of a hormone hurricane. Your body feels weird. Your voice keeps cracking. You have the energy of 17 clowns in a circus ring, and then you want to sleep for 3 days straight.
It’s normal.
You are normal.
You’re not behind or ahead or odd or messed up.
You are right where you are supposed to be with your body and how it’s growing and changing. Body image is an issue that doesn’t just affect girls, and I want you to know that puberty is not a competition.
You are on the right track. You’re still a work in progress. Your body is growing and good. Have patience with yourself.
9. I love seeing what you’re into (even if I don’t always get it)
I know that part of being a teen is rolling your eyes at your parent’s dumb comments and ignorance about the latest slang and trends.
But I want you to know I’m still interested in your world.
I’ll always be your number one fan, cheering from the sidelines at your games or in the front row at your first garage band concert. I love it when you say, “Wanna see what I drew on my iPad?”.
I may not always understand all your video games or D&D lingo, and I may sometimes cringe when you tell me how much it costs for the latest rock climbing equipment or hockey gear.
But I love having a front-row seat to your life, interests, and seeing who you are becoming every day.
10. I’m always down for a McDonald’s run
I know I’m always complaining about how you’re eating us out of house and home, but I get it. You’re never not hungry.
And I’m hungry in a different way.
Sometimes I miss you, and I really want to spend time with you without butting heads like we always seem to be doing.
So when you ask for a McDonald’s run after practice or that trip to Walmart, I’m down for it.
For you, it’s about the food.
But for me, it’s about feeding my soul.
I love the side-by-side connection we have in the car and I treasure each conversation I get to have with you.
11. Being a man isn’t about fitting into a mold
The world is going to give you so many messages about what it means to be a man and social media doesn’t help at all.
You may feel pressured to look a certain way, work out or eat a specific diet, do specific sports or activities, and interact with guys and girls in particular ways to be accepted as a male in our society.
I want you to know that what matters to me is showing up as yourself with character, compassion, and curiosity.
I care about who you are becoming on the inside. Outside pressures and cookie-cutter molds be damned—swear words included, because you’re not a little kid anymore.
12. Being 13 is hard
Son, I’m not gonna lie. Being 13 is hard.
It’s hard for you as a young person. It’s hard for me as a parent.
Sometimes I feel like we’ve lost our connection. I wonder if I like you. I wonder if you like me. I doubt my choices and can only pray I’m making the right decisions.
But I never want you to doubt that I love you and that I’m here for you always. Being a teen is hard; being a parent is hard. But I’m here on this journey with you.
You’re never alone.
13. High school is right around the corner, but you don’t have to grow up too fast
At 13, I see you growing up so fast. High school is right around the corner and I can’t believe it. Sometimes I blink and I see you walking across that stage, shaking your principal’s hand and crossing the tassel to the other side of your face. Then I blink again and you’re a baby, sleeping peacefully against my neck, your soft breath warm against my skin.
Related: To My Eighth Grade Boy In Your Last Year of Middle School
As hard as these early teenage years can be, I know they will go by quickly. After all, it was just a minute ago that you were a little baby.
I love being your parent.
Don’t grow up too fast, son.
Looking for additional information on raising teen sons? Check out this post, Six Awesome Books for Raising Teen Boys in Today’s Chaotic World. We also love this book from Lisa Damour, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers.
Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays about Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.
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Tiffany Herndon says
I stumbled upon this while searching for ways to make my son feel special on his 13th birthday… and I swear, it was like I had written it for my son.. line after line lol
i just wanted to let you know that this was awesome.. and yes… it had me in full blown boo hoo mommy tears by midpoint haha
anyway.. thanks for the good read.. and it let me know i’m not alone in feeling the way i do with my pre teen devil child lol
-Tiff