Inside: Scientists have been tracking 1100 people for the last 50 years–this is what makes them happier and more successful.

There seems to be an awful lot to worry about today when it comes to parenting adolescents. I don’t see much good news.

There is a lot of academic pressure on students to take college-level classes as early as ninth grade and then prove rigor by taking advanced classes in every subject–even the ones that don’t interest them. There are distractions at every junction, so they must constantly try to stay on task even though their watches are buzzing and phones are flashing and DMs are coming in at all times, day and night. Girls are starting puberty earlier, social media is distorting reality, video games make them violent, adults call teens lazy and entitled, and the world feels unaffordable. Plus, the typical stuff like hormones, peer pressure, and that awkward feeling of being uncomfortable in your body.

It’s a lot.

So, how do we, as modern parents of tweens and teenagers, know what to focus on when it seems like everything is important?

The Dunedin Study and What It Tells Us About Raising Teens

The Dunedin Study has followed the lives of 1037 babies born between April 1972 and March 1973 at Queen Mary Maternity Hospital, Dunedin, New Zealand. The Study is now in its fifth decade and has produced over 1300 publications and reports, many of which have influenced or helped inform policymakers in New Zealand and worldwide. In fact, one early finding was even cited in a 2005 U.S. Supreme Court decision to prohibit the execution of underage murderers, citing the study’s research that self-control in early childhood predicts health and happiness in adults.

What makes the Dunedin study special is its high retention rate of participants–roughly 95%. It also is incredibly comprehensive in terms of what it assesses. Every few years, the team conducts intensive cognitive, psychological, and health assessments. They interview every member of the research cohort as well as their teachers, families, and friends and review their financial and legal records, promising them complete confidentiality in return for the most holistic possible picture of their lives.

Because of this access, there have been many sub-studies on issues such as mental health, behavior disorders, criminality, and the effects of different parenting styles.

What Is the X-Factor For Raising Successful, Self-Sufficient Adults?

Parents today often feel overwhelmed. There is a lot to worry about, and they do not have enough time or mental energy to focus on everything. We often put our time and effort into the things we feel we can control, such as our child’s academic performance, friendships/social status, work ethic, and behavior. While these things are important, parents often use them as a point of personal pride instead of what’s best for their child in the long term.

So, what can parents do to ensure their adolescent children have the best chance of living fulfilling and productive lives?

It comes down to developing emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage one’s own emotions and those of others. It is important for teens to develop emotional intelligence as it can help them cope with stress, communicate effectively, and build healthy relationships. Intellectual ability or intelligence quotient (IQ) is not enough on its own to achieve success in life. Undoubtedly, IQ can help one get into university, but your Emotional Intelligence (EI) will help one manage stress and emotions when facing final exams.

Psychologist Daniel Goleman, often referred to as the godfather of emotional intelligence for his integral role in developing the concept, summed up the Dunedin findings in a keynote speech: “What they found was that in their 30s, the strongest predictor of financial success was cognitive control, stronger than IQ and stronger than the wealth of the family they grew up in. So how well you do in your life depends on your levels of cognitive control.” Cognitive control is an executive function skill that orchestrates our thoughts, actions, and emotions.

This means that raising teens who can understand, process, and control their emotions gives them the best chance to be productive and satisfied members of society.

Related: Use This Question to Help Your Teen Grow Through Hard Times

Why Emotional Intelligence in Teens Matters and How Parents Can Help

It’s important to understand that emotional intelligence is not a trait you are born with but rather a skill you develop. While some people’s brains may cause them to be more empathetic or patient, emotional intelligence can be learned and honed.

Here are some examples of emotional intelligence and the impact parents can have on assisting their teens develop these skills:

• Understanding emotions: Many teens experience intense emotions and mood swings and, at times, can exhibit volatile behavior. Parents can show empathy and help their child navigate these feelings instead of dismissing or overreacting.
• Impulse control: According to the Dunedin study, “The research indicated that self-control is not only a personal trait but can also be influenced by external factors such as parenting, education, and early intervention programs. Children who receive support and guidance in developing self-control skills tend to fare better as adults. This underscores the importance of fostering these abilities from a young age,” explains pediatrician Harry Goldstein. 
• Modeling Healthy Emotional Regulation: Teens learn from watching their parents. If you handle stress, anger, and disappointment in a mature way, they’re more likely to do the same. Utilizing healthy coping mechanisms can help show your teen that scrolling on their phone is not always the best way to deal with stress or overwhelm.
• Fostering Open Communication: Be curious. Teens are more likely to open up to parents who listen without judgment, making it easier to guide them through challenges. Ask questions before interjecting your opinion or giving an answer on a request. Remain open to their side of the story, and don’t put them down for their perspective.
• Helping with Conflict Resolution: Teens benefit from learning how to resolve conflicts constructively, whether with peers, teachers, or family. Parents who apologize when they are wrong, have family meetings to discuss issues, and forgive easily can help their adolescent children become more familiar with healthy conflict resolution.
• Develop resiliency: Many parents today get overly involved in fixing their adolescent children’s problems. Letting your teen fail while you can still guide them through it can build their self-esteem and feel more confident to tackle problems. (You might like to read: Parents Who Want to Grow Resilience in Their Teens Do These 10 Things)

How Can Parents Build on Emotional Intelligence?

While the Dunedin study proved how important emotional intelligence can be to your child’s financial and emotional stability, parents can use many other tools to build executive function skills and their EI.

• Boundaries and Discipline: Teens need clear expectations and consequences to feel safe, understand norms, and learn responsibility.
• Encouraging Independence: Helping them make their own decisions (and mistakes) prepares them for adulthood.
• Stay available on their terms: Teens need to feel valued, supported, and encouraged in their interests and goals, which means we may need to shift the way we communicate and interact with them. This might mean having car conversations to make tough talks a little easier, starting conversations out via text, or setting regular dates. It also means shutting the laptop or pausing your show when they enter a room.
• Exposure and Critical Thinking: people with high emotional intelligence are often exposed to different types of cultures, books, arts, music, food, etc.

In today’s competitive and chaotic world, emotional intelligence can be what gives your teen an edge in the workforce and in life. Knowing that you can work with your adolescents to develop these skills may help change your perspective on what’s important–and what’s not.

Are you looking for more resources to help build emotional intelligence in your teen?

Check out this book, Emotional Intelligence Hacks for Teens.

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