
This is a contributed post by Whitney Fleming, author of You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either.
If you’re in the thick of raising teenagers, you know they can be so frustrating.
They love to argue about everything. They think they know everything. They want to be treated like adults, but they have no life experience yet.
Sometimes, we get caught in such a bad cycle with our teens that fighting, snarky comments, and door slams ultimately become your standard house language. Teen disrespect becomes the norm, and you wonder if you will ever have a regular conversation with them again.
But here is the thing, and there’s no getting around it: we have to remember that we are the adults, and we have to model the behavior we want to see.
I get it. It’s hard, oh so hard, to stay calm when you are in the midst of teenage tomfoolery. When there are six-foot-tall people who are messy, eat all your food, and then expect you to give them $20 for Starbucks after calling you “Bruh,” finding your Zen in the middle of a battle can be a challenge.
But remaining calm is a superpower, and showing your teen how to keep your cool during conflict, communicate respectfully, and cope in difficult situations is an incredible gift. It also will help them disarm other people who speak to them aggressively or disrespectfully.
Keeping calm also puts us in charge of the rules of engagement and balances the power game. It may infuriate them at first when you don’t engage, but eventually, they will learn that they only get what they want by speaking to you calmly and respectfully.
Related: House Rules to Teach Teens to Be Safe and Respectful
How to defuse a disrespectful or angry conversation with your teen
There are two parts to putting yourself in a position to do this.
First, you need to be willing to give them (and yourself) the space and time to cool down. Keep a phrase at the ready to use during these situations. I would say, “Hey, I can hear you are upset. Why don’t you take a minute to collect yourself and then find me in the kitchen if you want to talk about it.” At first, my teens found this INFURIATING, but eventually, it led to more productive and thoughtful conversations. And yes, one time when I was mad at my daughter she pulled this exact phrase on me, and it did give me a moment to reflect and calm down.
Second, if you are someone in a constant state of anxiety, anger, or stress, you have to address it. This is not your kid’s problem; it is your problem that you are taking out on others. Read that part again. Your responses are your responsibility. If you can’t control them, then you need to go back and figure out why. It may involve executing daily coping strategies, such as mindfulness exercises or walking, seeking therapy, or even medication—but if we don’t take ownership of how we behave, we can’t expect our teens to do the same.
Related: 10 Commons Battles that Will Destroy the Relationship with Your Teen
5 Phrases That Will Defuse a Confrontation with Your Teen
Always remember the end goal is how to move the confrontation into a conversation.
1. “You can be mad without being mean.”
We’ve all been there. Someone does something awful to us. We forget something important. We’ve found out a friend isn’t really a friend. We feel sick, hungry, or tired. And then we take it out on someone else. If your teen comes at you, whether they have a right to be angry or not, use the phrase, “You can be mad without being mean.” If they calm down, then continue the conversation. If not, walk away and let them know you’re available to talk when they can speak calmly and kindly.
That being said, don’t get caught up when your teen may just be acting dramatic, like if they slam a door, throw some books around, or huff and puff. If these things are not directed at you, just let them go. You do not need to attend every argument you’re invited to by your teenager.
Related: This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers
2. “Do you want help/advice or do you need me to just listen?”
This one can be tricky, but sometimes they just want to vent. Yes, it may be hard to keep your mouth shut as they talk about a teacher who would not let them turn their assignment in late even though you reminded them to put it in their backpack, but most people learn the lesson after they work through their emotions. If you can let your teen let off a little steam, do it, and then zippy those lippies! You can always go back and ask some clarifying questions later, but this is a great opportunity to show that you care about your teens, and you won’t always give them a lecture.
3. “Try Again”
Do you feel like you are constantly lecturing or correcting your tweens and teens? Teaching our kids right from wrong and how to behave like good humans is part of the job. Unfortunately, when we do it too often, adolescents start tuning us out.
The truth is our teens already know what to do. We’ve been preparing them for more than a decade, and they should know what the expectations are (and if you employ clear communication with them, they should know the rules and expectations). So give them a chance to do it and course correct.
Sometimes, the only correction we need to give is that their behavior was less than ideal. This is where “try again” comes into play. If your teen comes in with a request or comment that is snarky, demanding, or obnoxious, say “Try again.” Put the onus on them to make the correction.
4. “Asked, considered, and answered”
If you thought a whiny toddler was bad when they wanted to stay up an extra 10 minutes, wait until you start negotiating with a teenager who wants to stay out late. “Asked and answered,” is so powerful.
If your teen comes in hot with a request that is completely outlandish, consider responding with “What’s your plan?” first. Listen to them and see if they thought their ask through to the end as this could help them develop critical thinking skills. Once you give your answer, however, your response should be, “Asked, considered, and answered.”
Do not keep negotiating with them and explaining your why. Do not keep engaging in their barbs. They are trying to wear you down. They are trying to start a fight. They are trying to sweep the leg and take you out. They want to hurt you just as much as they feel you’ve hurt them.
But boundaries are a part of parenting, and you have a right to place appropriate boundaries on your teenager. “Asked, considered, and answered” is a great way to take the emotion out of a tenuous situation.
5. “Per our discussion on respectful behavior, I need to step away.”
This one is my personal favorite, but it mandates that you have a sit-down conversation about what respectful conversation looks like. Don’t try to do this in the heat of the moment, but instead at a time when everyone is calm. It may even involve writing these rules down and having everyone in the family sign them (and possibly including consequences for those who do not follow said contract).
You may think that your teen, spouse, or other members of the family know what respectful communication looks like, but the truth is, some people don’t. My dad used to punish me if he didn’t like my “tone,” and I swear sometimes I had no idea what he was talking about. Looking back, I think it was because when I was trying to control my tears, my voice changed, and he took it as sarcasm. My own daughter seems to have the uncontrollable urge to roll her eyes, and it drove me mad. One time she told me that she doesn’t even know she’s doing it, and now that it’s been a few years, I believe her, but at the time it was a major trigger for me.
My point is that outlining what respectful behavior means in your house can be the first step in positive change. You no longer need to argue about what it looks like because it’s right there on paper.
One day, when my daughter was in a mood, and I was having a terrible day at work, she lashed out at me because of some friend drama she was experiencing. I remember saying these words to her calmly in my kitchen: “Per our discussions on respectful behavior, I need to step away. You are not the only one who had a hard day. It is hurtful to be spoken to in that way, and I am sure you would feel the same if the roles were reversed.” I then turned on my heel and went to my room.
Later that evening, she texted me, “I’m sorry, Mom. I treated you just like I got treated.” We left it at that. We didn’t need to rehash it. The lesson was in how I defused the argument, not in any words I would have yelled at her at that moment.
The goal is to tell them in plain and simple terms that they do not get their way by bullying, demeaning, or other disrespectful communication. If they want to be treated like adults, they have to act like adults. We show them how by defining what being disrespectful and hurtful looks like and by consistently enforcing the consequences when they cross the line.
Are you looking for more encouragement to raise your teens and tweens?
Check out this book, You’re Not a Failure, My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either, by the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens, Whitney Fleming. It addresses the many challenges we face as parents today and how we can tackle them to have better relationships with our big kids.
Raising teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts can help:
Five Critical Tips to Defuse an Emotional Teen
Parents, Here’s How to Actually Stop Arguing with Your Oppositional Teen
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