The holidays are stressful, but when you have to bring together multi-generations, it can spike even the most Zen parent’s anxiety. It doesn’t help that the political landscape is complicated, so there are a plethora of topics that you may want to avoid.
If your family doesn’t get together often, you may worry about whether everyone will get along. Your parents may be set in their ways, and your teen may have dramatically different views from older family members, tending to agree (at this age) with only their peers. We’ve all seen the clichés of cranky old people and irreverent teenagers and may worry about those stereotypes becoming reality. Or maybe everyone gets along and we have high expectations of picture-perfect, happy family moments to memorialize in our annual holiday card.
No matter which camp you’re in, gathering multiple generations together can be complicated. With varied life experiences, it makes sense that people sometimes see the same things in opposing ways. And growing up with different generational norms can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and less than desirable behaviors. We don’t have to micro-manage these events, but a little planning can go a long way.
Here are six ways you, as parents, can help your teens stay engaged and invested in the next multigenerational family event.
You might also like to read: How to Enjoy the Holiday Break With Your College Kid
6 Ways to Encourage Positive Relationships at Your Next Multigenerational Family Event
1. Establish guidelines and set boundaries.
Talk to family members before the event to make sure everyone has similar expectations. Make decisions about ground rules. If you are spending several days together, will people come and go on their own or will everyone do everything together? Make sure to not schedule every moment and try to normalize downtime—introverts in particular may need to “take a moment” to recharge. (If you can’t proactively fend off criticism of these self-care actions, be ready to shut rude comments down quickly.) If there are topics you know will cause trouble, ask family members to avoid them and be prepared to step in and change the subject if necessary.
Being proactive may reduce the time we spend playing peacemaker. It might be helpful to remind our teens that people’s experiences influence how they look at things, and that we don’t really know everything that happened in someone’s past. They may also need to be reminded that (to use an old adage) “You get more flies with honey than vinegar.” Being nice to people (without judgment) and pointing out that you have a common goal is more likely to make people see your point of view than be critical of it.
2. Schedule fun.
A packed schedule will likely be overwhelming (and exhausting for all involved), but planning some activities for all to participate in can snowball into a day of family fun and quality time. As most of us have discovered, the best and most meaningful conversations seem to happen when we are busy doing something. And it’s tough to focus on the latest controversy when you’re learning something new or wrapped up in friendly competition. While trying to find an activity that will engage everyone can be a challenge, doing things together can result in better communication while learning more about each other and creating long-lasting memories.
3. Focus on play.
At our annual holiday gathering, we form teams and play silly games such as those seen on “Minute to Win It.” These games require collaboration and cooperation between three different generations who sometimes have different understanding of how the games are played. This has resulted in lots of laughter and the occasional lighthearted accusation of cheating (we are a competitive lot). The winning team gets bragging rights and equally silly prizes found in closets or the dollar store.
We also occasionally plan extended family vacations. On our last trip, we played a few games that kept us all engaged (we had more on hand than we needed, just in case they didn’t work for our group). The hits: Conversation Cards (I skipped any questions that I thought would create discord rather than connection), Hues and Cues, and OuiSi. We also keep a deck of regular playing cards on hand for the old standbys, such as Rummy, or our family favorite, Thirty-One. Other good game options for mixed-age groups are traditional favorites such as Pictionary, Apple to Apples, or Yahtzee. Keeping games accessible at all times also allows for spontaneous one-on-one time outside of group activities. Teens may be surprised to see Grandma’s competitive side during a game of Scrabble.
3. Tie on an apron.
Teens like to eat, and they will need to prepare their own food soon as they near adulthood. Plan an afternoon in the kitchen, making cookies or something more involved, like gnocchi or pierogi. These things aren’t particularly difficult, just time-consuming. Cooking together can lead to some interesting conversations. The older generation may spontaneously share memories of prepping or eating these foods with their parents while offering guidance to your teen on how to make a famous family recipe. If you don’t have the know-how yourself, you can purchase virtual cooking classes, check YouTube for tips, or see if any of these recipes spark some interest from your teen.
4. Make it a teaching moment.
Shake things up and let your teen be the teacher. Bridge the gap! Have young people in the throes of adolescence teach the older folks a TikTok dance. Help Grandma sign up for Instagram and find accounts for her to follow that match her interests. Show Grandpa how to use the assistive technology features built into his phone to make it easier to read. One year, our daughter flipped the script, coming home from college with a gnocchi recipe from one of her friends, which resulted in a fun—although messy—afternoon, a yummy dinner, and several additional meals for the freezer.
5. Share stories.
Family gatherings are a great time to learn more about your heritage. Your teen may learn that they have things in common with their great, great grandma, such as her eye color, or musical talents, or that their laugh is just like great Uncle Henry’s. We often bemoan the fact that we don’t ask questions of the people who have the answers, so make a point to ask. Have your teen “interview” family members. They can ask questions such as: How did Grandma and Grandpa meet? What did they do for fun as kids?
Take it a step further and ask them to show off (and teach) their dance moves. Fully adopting a “reporter” role and recording the answers can preserve their actual voice, something you may be glad to have years down the road. Some teens may want to go a step further and create a scrapbook or other tangible record of the interview. A bonus here is you are likely to learn things too—my parents have shared stories with my kids that I never heard before.
You might also like to read: Teens Hate These Five Questions, So Ask These Instead
6. Give your teen a job.
Family gatherings can be stressful, especially for the hosts. Spreading out the responsibilities makes it easier for everyone, and it’s sometimes easier for all of us to be engaged when you have a job. Older relatives may have mobility issues or may struggle with hearing or vision issues. Without making a big deal about it, you can “assign” your teen to help Grandma to the table or to sit on the side of Grandpa’s bad ear and “help” him participate in the conversation. If you have a budding diplomat, you can put them in charge of changing the subject when Uncle Bob makes a volatile comment. Maybe you’d like to have a slideshow presentation; a tech-savvy teen will likely be able to put it together faster than you can, and with less stress.
Spending Time Together—A Win for Everyone
Much is made of the generation gap, but I have found that, in general, we agree on more than we disagree. The benefits of gathering several generations are many. A recent study suggests that spending time with grandparents helps them live longer. And other studies suggest that spending time with grandparents may result in lower rates of depression and higher self-esteem.
Learning more about each other can only add to understanding and healthy relationships. Sharing family stories and traditions helps keep them alive and may serve to connect those who thought they had little in common. Strengthening these family bonds tend to reduce anxiety and stress for all and teens may be comforted to realize they have more people in their corner than they realized. And even if (or when) things don’t all go smoothly, you’ll be making memories.
Are you looking for more encouragement as you raise teens and tweens?
Check out this book, You’re Not a Failure, My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either, by the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens, Whitney Fleming. It addresses the many challenges we face as parents today and how we can tackle them to have better relationships with our big kids.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
10 Brilliant Non Tech Gifts For Teens To Get Them Off Their Screens
Accepting Our Teens for Who They Are is the Greatest Gift We Offer
How To Overcome The Five Biggest Challenges Of Raising Teens
How to Get Teens Moving and Improving their Mental Health
*This post may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission for purchases made from our site.
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