The door opens and in walks the tween or teen. You can feel their arrival before you even see them because the energy in your home completely changes almost instantly. The skin on your arms and the back of your neck begin to stand on end.
There are two ways this situation could go at this point.
There will either be the “disappearing act” where your tween or teen tries to escape to their room without having to make eye contact or have in any kind of human interaction.
OR
There will be feet stomping, loud sighs, and mumbled grievances followed by a theatrical dumping of their school books onto the floor or table. Next will be mean looks in the direction of siblings, pets, and any other living creature near them. Any attempts to engage will be met with eye-rolling or the silent treatment. Perhaps there might be an “ugh” or “whatever” muttered under their breath as they head straight for the fridge.
Dealing with disrespectful teens and tweens can be frustrating.
At any moment, you never know what kid is showing up and whether it’s going to be another angry confrontation or a lot of worries for no good reason.
But honestly, half the time, they aren’t sure either.
It’s tough and confusing – for both of you.
Raising tweens and teens is complicated and frustrating and exhausting. You give your kids your very best, yet you’re often left wondering how to deal with an ungrateful teenager. But we all have a better shot and not just surviving but even finding moments where we can truly enjoy these moody adolescents if we learn how to build bridges rather than burn them down.
Six Simple Tips to Mitigate Teenage Disrespect
Using these five tips to handle disrespectful teenage behavior can help keep the peace when your tween or teen is trying their best to turn your home into a battleground.
1. Recognize When They Are Trying To Pick A Fight
When your child is standing there in front of you with their face full of attitude and nonsense coming out of their mouth, it can be so hard to keep it together.
One of my favorite stories ever is from a mom with two teen girls who I thought was Disney princess patient. I was convinced nothing would make her ever lose it with her kids. Then one day, she and her family were sitting outside having dinner. Her oldest daughter was in a mood and was being unpleasant and rude to everyone else at the table and just making the whole meal unbearable. As the whole drama progressed, mom finally got so fed up she picked up her cup and hurled it right past her daughter’s head and into their pool.
“I really wanted to throw that right at your head,” she said. “You’re lucky I love you enough to miss.”
Now, this isn’t to suggest that hurling things at our teens is any kind of solution, but it is an example of how good our children can be and really pushing our buttons. Sometimes, even the best of us won’t always be able to be the adult in the room.
However, we need to do our best to remember that we ARE the adult. And when we sink to their level by getting angry and yelling (and throwing things), it only adds fuel to the flames of their teenage rage. It also puts us in the position of becoming an unintended role model, validating the same behavior and actions we’re attempting to change in them.
2. Stay Calm, Cool, And Collected
Yeah, it’s hard, really hard. But even though it may require enormous willpower and strength of heart on our part, when we can keep our voices at normal volume and tone, it puts us in charge of the rules of engagement and removes some of their power.
Just tell them that you’ll be happy to listen or talk with them about whatever is going on when they can do so in a more reasonable way.
They want to be in control, and their goal is to get you to play the game on their turf, where they’ve got the upper hand. When you refuse to engage at their five-alarm fire of intensity, it disarms the situation.
Allow them some space and time to cool down. Then discuss the issue when everything isn’t so emotional for them (and you). But be sure they know you’re not blowing them off or letting them off the hook. You might even set a specific time, like after dinner or the upcoming weekend.
Either way, you’ve taken what they wanted to turn into a confrontation and enabled it to become something far more productive – a conversation.
3. It’s Not Personal (No Matter How It Feels)
Tweens and teens know exactly how to wield words as weapons. They understand how to cause the most damage with even the simplest things they say. And because we are their parents, we become the most common targets in their ongoing battle of them against the world.
Wow, their words can be vicious, but we need to realize it really isn’t personal.
The tween and teen years are filled with so much angst. Hormones are raging, bodies are changing in confusing and weird ways, and their brains aren’t yet fully formed to help them cope with it all.
They are also caught in this place where adulthood is coming at them faster and faster so they really want more independence, but at the same time, they still crave approval from everyone in their life – from parents to peers.
While it was a million years ago, we were teens too. Try to think back to what it was like back then for you. You must have said some things, or maybe lots of things, to your parents that you regret. But as long as you came from a fairly healthy home, you and your parents survived and most likely have a good relationship now.
For the most part, the disrespect and bad attitude of our tweens and teens is a simple defense mechanism. They’re insecure and afraid and often, this is when our kids lash out the most. They are testing us, looking for reassurance that we will love and support them, no matter what.
So, even at their worst, we need to meet them where they are with love.
4. Rules and Respect Are A Must
Now, we can show our teens love without allowing them to treat us like door mats. We should all take the following words to heart, “Unconditional Love Doesn’t Mean That You Have To Unconditionally Accept Bad Behaviors.”
Giving grace is an important part of these tween and teen years, but so so is setting limits. They may look more and more like adults, but they are still children in many ways. They not only need but believe it or not, they often want boundaries. It helps them understand expectations.
They should be allowed to have bad moods, and they can be angry with us. We, as adults, are allowed those things. So, we need to give them space for all those emotions. However, in the process, we need to guide them on how to properly express those emotions and what the rules are when it comes to their behavior.
Although TV shows, social media, and many other influences our older children are exposed often provide bad examples, we have to be the balancing voice reinforcing that speaking to others disrespectfully is not acceptable.
It’s also more than okay for us let our tweens and teens know when they’ve hurt our feelings. Making them think about how the things they say and do impact others is vital when it comes to developing empathy.
If they want to be treated like adults, they have to act like adults. We show them how by defining what being disrespectful and hurtful looks like and by consistently enforcing the consequences when they cross the line.
5. Try Not To Lecture
When it comes to enforcing consequences, it can be SO tempting to full-on school them about all the reasons why the way they are acting is wrong-headed and immature.
Tweens and teens are often beyond sure that they are the smartest people in the world. The crazy thing is they think this way because their brains aren’t fully developed. They are at a stage in life where they are more likely to engage in impulsive behavior and they really can’t fully appreciate or even fully think through the long-term consequences of their decisions.
It can be beyond frustrating that our intelligent kids seem to have suddenly gone stupid, and their “I don’t care” attitudes are just asking for a full-on reality check. But one way that is doomed to failure every time and will never ever persuade them to see things our way is lecturing them.
No teen, since the dawn of time, has ever walked away from a parental lecture and suddenly experienced an epiphany about the value of doing chores or getting their homework done. We are not going to talk them into being less self-centered or responsible.
At the end of the day, it isn’t about proving that we are right and they are wrong. It’s about asking them the questions that will help them find the answers and solve the problems themselves.
Ask your teens what is really going on with them. Get them to see the root of their anger and identify the real enemy. It’s generally not you. Then don’t tell them how to fix it or worse yet, try to fix it for them. Instead, offer your help and your support, but let them determine what that looks like. A “lecture” is always going to pit us against them, even if we think we is for their own good. But what they really want is for us to be on their side and not to fight their battles for them, but to empower them to fight them on their own, knowing we’ve got their back.
6. Don’t Forget To Praise Them
Lastly, in all of this, let’s not forget that there is a good kid behind all the disrespect, a kid that we love with our whole heart.
We need to ensure that they know that and that we’re seeing the good and not just the bad. Because praise is truly powerful and they need to hear it from us on the regular.
When our kids show maturity in handling a situation, whether by initiating a respectful conversation or even knowing when they need a few minutes to calm down before talking with us, we should absolutely let them know that we are proud of them.
Our tweens and teens need us now, more than ever, even if they tell us otherwise. So, hang in there through the sighs and eye rolls and sarcasm. One day, the thank you will come, and it will be worth every battle both fought and walked away from.
We love this book, Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. It’s a game changer for how to deal with an ungrateful teenager and remove the friction of most teen behaviors. Can’t recommend it enough!
*This post may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission from product purchased from our website.
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Good read. More than anything this was a good reminder of what we already knew and have been working towards as parents, but today was a particularly rough day. We have twin 10 year olds (and a 5 year old) and I think both are going through something right now. I don’t think today was my best mom day in handling it all either. Knowing we all make mistakes is reassuring and looking forward to tommorow is a blessing.
I have 12 year old twin boys. It’s the hardest job dealing with them right now.
I also have a 24 year old daughter and 28 year old son who just had a baby.
Definitely enjoyed this read. Thank you I’m am pretty much in tears and ready to give up with my almost 17 yr old son and a screaming bratty 4 yr old girl. I just don’t know what to do anymore my 4 yr old constantly wants 100% of my attention. My teen locks himself on his room with electronics refuses to do any schoolwork, basically ignores me to help out around the house with just the basic stuff. I work as an STNA 12 hour shifts struggling to just make ends meet. I come home everyday and kids are hungry to eat demanding me cook or buy takeout. Then everyone leaves me for clean up.
I have lost complete control of my kids, they do whatever they want and know exactly when I’m at my breaking point and my head is spinning. For them to get whatever they want. I’m adding my 4 yr old into this because for me the hard thing is trying to show my love and rules to both children but they have different responsibilities and consequences (that I can’t seem to enforce or follow through with). My teenager will use the 4yr old to basically start throwing a fit so I start yelling at the both of them. My teenager is so disrespectful to me and basically a slap in face when he doesn’t acknowledge anything around him let’s his schooling just slip away, and sleep all day. I’ve tried everything. And just want to cry I don’t want to enable my son but I’m afraid he s just assumes he s gonna love with me forever not work not go to school and I’m going to supprt him. That’s basically what he s doing now. Had no motivation for life at all or a career.
I feel your pain, my son is the same, he just doesn’t see why he has to do things and tidy up after himself, he suffers from anxiety but that is no excuse, he has no motivation whatsoever, I am at my wits end with hun, I am to am a single mum of 2 boys, my 15 year old is great, he helps out around the house, but my 17 year old can’t even be bothered to make his bed, but expects me to give him everything, not any more, he is going to have a shock when his phone runs out as I haven’t renewed it this month, not happening x
Maybe you could have a talk with him, explain the consequences of his irresponsibility. That he is no longer a child and needs to prepare for his adult life. If you do not want to continue to let him live with you free, he will need to find a way to support himself. Learn if he has any interests he would like to pursue. The party is over, and the rest of his life is up to him. You will not be bailing him out. As much as you can, ignore his rudeness, instead of reacting. Explain the consequences of each behavior, and enforce them. It’s important for him to realize how he is causing what happens to him, and how he can control that. He needs to know how to fix meals, do laundry, clean a room and the kitchen and dishes. Focus on pulling yourself together, enforce consequences consistently. and put your pain about the way he talks to you on the back burner. He’s too old for a free ride now. He needs to contribute to what needs to be done, or lose what he gets now.
Our problem is my partner’s daughter (13) won’t even come to our house for visitation or even answer her phone. It’s hard to sort things out if she won’t even talk to us. The ex is no help.
My daughter is now 43 and I just learned a month ago that she was sexually abused when she was 5 – 6 years old by a cousin. I had no idea, she never came to me to tell me. She never said a thing, I was a single mom, working full time. My two children had a fair life other than not having a father figure in their lives. I noticed over the past 5 years my daughter wasn’t contacting me as much, we spoke less and less then never. I finally got her to talk to me and she let it out. It all came out. I was shocked. I just thought she was a distant kind of a young girl, not personal, quiet. My daughter has been doing therapy for a long time. She just didn’t want me involved. But it turned out, she ended up blaming me, she says I wasn’t there for her, I didn’t see the signs. I can talk forever here, but what I want to say is. If you notice something not right with your child, get them to talk to you. There is something wrong.
I myself are in difficult situation with my son who turned 18 in this month.I am always fighting with him not physical fight although one time two years ago he pushed me to the sofa and chocked me.I have raised him alone until he was 7 I met my now husband who is always working abroad until covid came and we decided to live together as a Familly in his working location which is a foreign country but despite this my son has always lived with me all his life so he blames me for his failures he refused to continue with his studies ,he refuse to work or to help me around the house he insults me ,says I shouldn’t have given birth to him ,sometimes he says he will kill himself.Right now am so confused he traveled for a holiday in Kenya my country he tricked me he was going for one month to see his friends and its now close to 5months he is yet to return all he does is ask for money and am paying a hotel for him to sleep am so depressed if I don’t send him cash he curses me and speaks so disrespectful to me . I am going on therapy on wed because it’s killing me am always taking painkillers either for ulcers or headache.
Have u tried holding g back the internet? I had to do this with both of my sons when they were at this age. I would make a list of what needs doing around the house. They could choose which 1 to pick if they completed that task they could have the internet. Of course I got the screams and the mouthful of abuse at the start but they soon realised i wasnt backing down.
I will try to use some of these techniques while working with my older students. Many of them are probably going to used at the same time instead of separately. For example I try to remember it may not be about me and that they may just be trying to get reactions to see what boundaries they can push.
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I like the content but you do need to proofread for syntactical and grammar errors.
Respect is not just a vague concept. This is an important life skill and the sooner kids will learn it, the sooner they will learn to build successful relationships. So, I admire the work you have done here teaching parents the importance of respecting their children and nurturing these skills in their kids. I am really grateful for the parenting tips you have collected here. Can add just a little bit? I have this article about teaching respect as well. And the activities that your kids will have fun with. Care to take a look here https://aliciaortego.com/teach-kids-respect-activities/?
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