There is probably no time that a social life feels more important than during one’s teenage years. This is especially true if you believe you don’t have authentic friends. Teens’ changing bodies make them feel self-conscious and raging hormones may contribute to shifting attitudes—anything from a confident swagger to tearful insecurity. This of course is all normal, as the teen years are about learning who you are and how you’ll fit in the world. 

The World Today vs. the World We Grew Up In

Parents may struggle to watch this all unfold, particularly if it seems that their kid just doesn’t have any friends. High school is said to be “the best years of your life” and we don’t want them missing out. But things are different from when we were teens; for one, we didn’t have as many things competing for our attention. There was no social media, phones were attached to the wall in common areas, and televisions were limited to a handful of channels that shut off overnight. We all shopped at the same few stores, reality TV wasn’t a thing, and our exposure to propaganda of any kind was almost non-existent. We spent most of our free time hanging out with friends whom we knew as well as—or sometimes even better than—our siblings.

Today’s young people are bombarded with messages that are available 24/7. They are expected to get good grades, complete their chores, and participate in enough extra-curricular activities to impress college admission staff. They have little free time and their immature brains make it difficult for them to think about anyone outside themselves. Considering all of this, is it really any surprise that many struggle with relationships? While we can’t force friendships, parents can help make it easier on their teens by fostering healthy relationship skills and creating situations that can lead to lasting connections. 

12 Ways to Help Teens Foster Healthy Friendships

1. Take stock of your own expectations.

As a parent we sometimes see things through our own lens, rather than our child’s. It’s natural to want your child to be happy and have lots of friends, but rather than assume your teen is friendless, talk to them to determine if they see things the same way.  Maybe you’re an extrovert who never had trouble making friends, but your kid is an introvert. Or maybe he or she has no idea how to go about making friends. This is not all that uncommon.

On her website, Dr. Marisa G. Franco, the author of Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends says, “You might think making friends is an inherent skill that doesn’t need to be taught. It’s not. We can all get better at connection if we try.”

2. Discuss what makes a good friend.

Share your own stories of adolescent friendships with your teen. Talk about how you made new friends with peers, how you handled disagreements, and how you feel about that person now. Discuss values, such as honesty, kindness and respect and what constitutes a healthy relationship. Differentiate between friends and acquaintances and talk about how “best friends” are different from other friends.

Ask your teen to describe what a friend looks like. While it’s appropriate to downplay the importance of physical attributes in our relationships, our appearances do matter. People who smile often and demonstrate they are open to being approached through their body language are easier to talk to and more likely to attract others. Consider role-playing: stand with your arms crossed, body stiff and a stern expression. Is that someone you would want to approach?

Related: Teaching My Kids What True Friendship Looks Like is a Hard, but Valuable Life Lesson

3. Validate their fears.

Putting yourself out there to possibly be subjected to ridicule, judgment, and rejection is scary. Cyberbullying and “mean girls” are real possibilities with sometimes disastrous outcomes. Countless “coming-of-age” movies show a lonely teen being terrorized by their classmates. While it rarely gets to the level of Carrie, being “on the outside” as a teen is still terrible. They won’t believe it, but the “popular’ kids are often just as afraid of rejection and oftentimes don’t consider themselves popular. Sometimes they need to hear that all teens feel insecure.

4. Practice active listening.

Too often we spend more time thinking of our next words in conversation than actually listening to what the person in front of us is saying. Talk about active listening skills and encourage your teen to practice them. Make eye contact. Repeat back what someone says. Ask questions to get more information (some variation of “tell me more”). Follow up on conversations later to show you remember the discussion.

For example, teach your child that if their friend mentions a difficult exam ahead, they should ask how it went after. If someone shares personal challenges or fears, a good friend checks in to see how they are feeling.

5. Help them make a list of conversation starters.

The best friendships often start with “Really? Me too!” But when you don’t know someone, it’s tough to get a conversation moving. Open-ended questions are the answer. If your teen is uncomfortable asking personal questions of people they don’t yet know well, asking for directions or for advice on places to eat or fun activities can be a good start.

Complimenting others’ choices (in clothing, reading material, or snack foods) can also lead to conversations (such as where to find these things, sharing additional details or alternatives, or to learn more about something they’ve never seen). Commiserating about difficult classes, weather-induced plan changes or even the bi-annual time change are other potential topics.

6. Remind them that someone has to act first.

Most parents know the frustration of suggesting their kids call a friend when they are bored, only to be told “Nobody does that”—the rationale being that the friend is too busy. I finally pointed out to my kids that if everyone refused to reach out because they worried about being a bother, then everyone would sit at home, being bored. (My argument was rebuffed, but at least I planted a seed.)

Teens can also invite someone to sit with them at lunch or to study for a tough exam. Point out that rather than being a bother, these invitations show interest in others and can make them feel welcome or even special. Plus, you never know when a “me too” moment will present itself. 

7. Talk about how to make a connection.

Reaching out to others can be scary (and vulnerable) but people remember those who offer help, acknowledge their efforts, or compliment them when they’re feeling down. Noticing details about other people and commenting on them expresses interest in the other person, possibly piquing their interest and making them want to know you better.

When it comes to how to reach out, teens actually have it easier than we did. Our only option was a phone number, but today’s teens can connect in a myriad of subtle ways that are less intrusive than a phone call: Instagram, Snapchat, BeReal are just a few of these. 

8. Focus on common interests.

People tend to become friends with others who share at least one of their interests. Encourage your teen to join a club or team or even volunteer for an organization that aligns with their views. If they like animals, it could mean helping out at a shelter or joining a club through your local 4H center. If they like theater, it can mean auditioning for a play or joining the stage crew. If they like hiking or camping, it can mean joining a scout troop or an outdoor club. 

What if they seem to have no interests? Sometimes we don’t know we like something until we try it. Look for classes that seem interesting such as art, dance, karate, or even fencing. See if your community has any youth groups that do interesting activities or go on trips. 

9. Address the falsehoods of social media.

Emphasize that social media is a highlight reel. We tend to post things that present us in our best light. And the increased use of AI means we all should be cautious about believing things that seem even a little off. Talk about internet safety and privacy settings (in some cases, your teens might be the ones teaching you!)

Remind them that the internet is forever; even if you delete something, once it’s been posted, it’s part of a site’s history or may have been quickly captured in a screenshot. Balance online and in-person interactions. Yes, you can make genuine friends online and social media can be a great way to catch up with those who love far away, but these relationships shouldn’t be at the expense of real-life interactions.

Related: Watching My Lonely Teen Navigate High School Breaks My Heart

10. Put down the phones.

If you haven’t already, institute some rules surrounding smartphone use and enforce them. This will be most effective if the rules apply to everyone. If you decide phones will be banned from the dinner table, that should apply to everyone. Model healthy online engagement. Make sure your teen sees you prioritizing your real-life friends over your phone. Instilling healthy phone habits in teens is one way to make sure their friendships are real and authentic.

11. Give them time.

Ashley Hudson, a family therapist who specializes working with teens and young adults, says that over-scheduled teens may not have time to develop the social skills needed to establish close friendships. Those who aren’t permitted to go to parties or other gatherings may miss out on opportunities to get to know other teens. Teens who have recently moved or switched schools may need extra time to grieve the loss of their old friends and find their place in the new environment.

12. Focus on quality, not quantity.

This is difficult in a world that puts so much emphasis on likes and follows. But true friendship takes time to develop and especially today, it’s hard to spread that time around to more than a handful of people. While some teens hang out with a group, it’s unlikely they have a deep connection with everyone in that group. You might want to suggest your teen foster more than one close friendship, but there’s nothing wrong with not having a “pack” of friends.

True Friendships Take Time and Effort

While days feel like an eternity to teens, close relationships don’t happen overnight. It takes time to build up the trust necessary to be truly vulnerable with another person and establish a bond. Reaching out to others is just the first step. All relationships require give and take from both parties who may need to carve out time from their schedules. 

Looking for an additional resource to help you navigate these tricky teen years?

We recommend The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents by Lisa Damour, Ph.D. With clear, research-informed explanations alongside illuminating, real-life examples, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers gives parents the concrete, practical information they need to steady their teens through the bumpy yet transformational journey into adulthood.

Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:

Six Simple and Effective Ways to Nurture Your Teen’s Self-Esteem

Mental Health Issues Stopped My Son From Graduating High School On Time

How to Help Your Daughter Deal With A Mean Girl Friendship

How To Overcome The Five Biggest Challenges Of Raising Teens

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