Fixing a difficult relationship with your teen often means giving space so there’s room for healing and forgiveness.
Last week, I wore my heavy wool socks and my boots to walk the dog on a cold, wet fall day. In the middle of my two-mile jaunt, I realized my left heel started to hurt. By the time I made it home, I had a blister the size of a quarter on the back of my foot.
A blister happens from friction—constant forceful rubbing.
Last year, my relationship with my young teen daughter was a gigantic blister. We constantly rubbed each other the wrong way.
I was so frustrated with her behavior that I pushed her on everything. Her unkempt room, schoolwork, and attitude. Her lack of awareness for others. Her inaction to change. I kept finding faults, and it was doing harm to us both.
She started circumventing the truth whenever I confronted her and shutting down. She retreated to her room at every opportunity. She pushed back out of frustration. Our interactions were overwhelmingly negative.
Our relationship was a blister, and it was hurting us both.
Related: This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers
Fixing a difficult relationship with your teen means fixing yourself first
If you’ve ever had one, you know your only course of action is to stop doing what caused the blister in the first place. Give the blister some room to heal. Stop the friction from occurring.
I had to wake up every morning and decide if I was going to pressure my daughter that day. Was I going to nag her about her bedroom? Needle her about the chores she didn’t do? Take away her phone or ground her for not listening?
Or would my love be more of a soothing balm healing us both?
I was tired of the constant friction. It was unhealthy for our entire household.
Repair your relationship by giving space and allowing time for forgiveness
So, I started helping her a bit more. Instead of yelling at her and passing judgment when she forgot to make her lunch—again—I just made it and left it on the counter for her. Instead of engaging when she made a snarky comment, I simply said, “Well, let’s just end our conversation on that note,” and walked away. Instead of barraging her with questions about school and her friends, I instead just began spending quality time with her. I invited her on coffee dates, asked her to help me cook dinner, or we’d watch a show together.
I didn’t let her get away with big things. We have house rules that are non-negotiable. But I made a mental list of what were big things and what were small things, and I realized my list of small stuff was so much longer than I ever thought.
I kept at it for several months. Sometimes I helped her, and sometimes, I let her fall. Sometimes I forced a hug so she could physically feel my presence, and sometimes I let her let her have some privacy and space. Sometimes I let a terse word or action roll off my back, and sometimes I simply said, “Please leave the room if you are going to behave like this.”
And one day, as we hung out baking cookies, I realized my relationship with my daughter didn’t hurt anymore. It felt warm and fuzzy, like my favorite pair of wool socks.
We healed the blister by taking away the friction. The cracks in our previously broken relationship had been filled in.
Related: Ending the Power Struggle with My Teen Meant Giving Up Some Control
Some adolescents are just harder than others. Some act out because they are upset or confused or just so desperate for independence during those teenage years that they only know how to painfully kick you away.
You can fight it with all your might, but know that friction often causes blisters, and some can become pretty bad.
Or you can take the friction away.
I took my dog for a walk yesterday. I wore the same boots but slipped on a thin pair of socks and wore a few band-aids for good measure.
Oh yeah. My daughter came with me. Just because she wanted to hang out.
Are you struggling to maintain a healthy relationship with your teenager?
When you are in the thick of raising teens and tweens, we recommend Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love by Whitney Fleming. In Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love, blogger Whitney Fleming shares her favorite essays about raising three teenagers in today’s chaotic world. Written from the perspective of a fellow parent, each story will leave you with tears in your eyes and hope in your heart because someone else is saying exactly what’s been going through your mind.
Parenting teens and tweens can be hard, but these posts other parents found helpful might make it a little easier.
Teens Can Be Vicious With Their Words, Here’s How To Protect Your Mama Heart
How To NOT Raise Entitled Teens
8 Genius Responses For When Your Teen Is Being Lazy And Entitled
How To Have A More Peaceful Relationship With Your Teen Guaranteed
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This is a nice article. Thanks for posting. Something that has helped me with my own children as well as the parents I coach and their families to instead of asking teens and tweens questions, I started telling them what I observed: “Hmm. You look thoughtful . . . sad . . . frustrated . . . happy . . .” and then waited. Just waited for them to talk. It was amazing how this simple thing opened up a real conversation. Usually, they would tell me what was on their minds, and it was interesting to note how often they told me things that made me realize I’d misinterpreted what I thought they were thinking. Learning to do this small thing, instead of asking questions and putting them on the spot, which shut them down, made such a huge difference in our communication and overall relationships.
This is so apt and I think much needed. I am going through a similar relationship with my daughter and your article gave me a new perspective and hope. Thank you for writing this.
Thanks for your hopeful advice. I know how it feels to have the blister. Your experience sounds a lot like mine and my daughter’s. She was diagnosed with ADD and now everything makes more sense but it doesn’t mean it’s easier but I’m hopeful that like you, I also can work with hear for healing and restoration.
Thank you.