When my kids were teens, I had a shortsighted view that said I needed to be a perfect mother, or my kids wouldn’t succeed in life. I had to do everything right so they wouldn’t suffer. I had to say all the right things, always be patient, never lose my temper, and prepare them for every conceivable emergency or dangerous scenario.
This distorted and unrealistic thinking continued to plague me as my children became adults and went on to college or other life paths. Even as their lives diverged from being directly under my control, every time they stumbled, I somehow felt I was to blame. Every character flaw I saw seemed amplified. I didn’t understand why they were acting in ways that seemed so unaligned with how they’d been raised and all I could think was that it was too late for me to “fix” them.
I began to pick apart every parenting choice I had ever made, trying to figure out where and how I had gone wrong. Regret began to take me over as I began to imagine all the ways I could have done things differently and better.
But all I was really doing was trying to relive the past with a fantasy world overlay, which doesn’t work. It is so easy to look back with all the wisdom and experience I’ve gained over all these years of raising my kids and to judge the mother I had been. The truth was at the time, I was doing the absolute best I could with what I knew, and most importantly, I was doing it all with love.
What more could I have offered?
What really needed fixing wasn’t my kids, but my perspective.
However, it’s taken some time for me to finally get to this place where I can both accept the mother I was and the sometimes bumpy path my adult children have traveled. I no longer find constant fault, regret, and guilt around me or my kids.
I had to move from a state of resistance to full acceptance of myself and my kids, as is. No exceptions. It wasn’t easy, but so worth the effort.
Related: Mamas, We Need To Give Ourselves The Same Grace We Give Our Kids
How do we let go of regret?
Why do we think that we are always to blame when our teens and young adults aren’t thriving? It is foolish for us to assume their current strengths and weaknesses are entirely our doing. Or that this young person who stands before us today is anywhere close to the finished version of who they will become. They have so much growing yet to do.
We forget how much stuff we did as teens and young adults as we were floundering around finding our way. We forget how many of our choices had negative consequences. We forget that we didn’t know how to use our brains at that age…literally because the frontal lobe is not developed until 26. We forget that we actually survived and learned valuable lessons despite all of our mishaps, wonky stages, missed opportunities, and struggles.
We forget that our parents didn’t hold our hand every second and tell us what to do in each moment.
We forget that we didn’t have a 24/7 connection with cell phones and a public life for all to see online. We just lived our lives and found our way.
We also suffered, screwed up, and fell down. But guess what, we kept getting back up. Some of us struggled in very profound ways, but here we are, raising kids. Somehow pouring love into their life and doing our very best to get it right. That should count for something!
Related: Why We Have To Let Our Teens Suffer Through Their Poor Decisions
How do we relinquish our sense of responsibility and ownership over their journey, which is going to be filled with normal and natural ups and downs and challenges?
To regret and feel consumed by guilt for all our imperfections and to feel that we are now to blame for all our children’s shortcomings and life struggles is disempowering for both them and us. It denies our intrinsic worth as mothers doing our best as we learn and grow and takes away our kids’ agency to learn powerful lessons from mistakes they need to make or struggles they need to endure.
Steeping in regret and guilt steals our joy and keeps us focused on a false narrative about the past.
Our children are not the sums of our mistakes, and what a terrible burden to place on our relationship with them. Nor are they the sum of their own. Mistakes and imperfections never define a person. The essence within is what matters and defines every human. Therefore, we need to focus on how we can appreciate, enjoy, and love our kids (and ourselves) for who they are in the here and now exactly as they are.
Related: Parenting Teens Means Dealing with Their Bad Choices
They are young, beautifully imperfect humans, just trying to navigate the confusing and overwhelming task of growing up. We serve our teen and adult children well by always choosing to see the highest version of them in every situation and speak that over them in moments of suffering. Never make it about a perceived failure, bad choice, or wrong decision – theirs or ours. Let us continue to be the soft place they can return to for support and unconditional love in an often unforgiving world.
How to build a new relationship that looks different in this season?
We do still have a very viable role to play in our young adult kids’ lives. What they need from us at this stage is actually to know that we are okay and healthy and thriving and that we feel good about ourselves, despite our challenges and mistakes. They need to know it’s okay to be human and learn and that it is okay not to have it all figured out, even as adults.
At the end of the day, while we still have the opportunity, our kids need us to be available. Be real. Be truthful and authentic. To figure out life together. Forgive. Laugh. Let go. Don’t take life so seriously.
Our teens and young adults need to know OTHER PEOPLE are not responsible for their happiness or success. Each person is responsible for his/her own life and being accountable is how we take ownership of our own journey. They also need to know how imperative it is to get help, support, and encouragement when life feels overwhelming.
We’ve all done the work to become who we are today. In most cases, we can say our parents loved us the best they could, and we built on that foundation.
The rest we figured out on our own. Why? Because our soul’s journey was not our parents and our kids’ soul’s journey is not ours. They are autonomous beings figuring this gig out alongside us and need our unconditional love and acceptance. The more levity we can bring to the table and the less seriousness, the better.
We aren’t going to be our kid’s savior at any age—nor should we.
Every person is their own savior.
Looking for more information on how to help transition to parenting young adults? We like this book, Doing Life with Your Adult Children.
Parenting Tweens, Teens, and Young Adult Children is Hard. These posts might make it a little easier.
How to Embrace the Transition of Your Teens Growing Into Adults
I Know It’s Hard Now, But Your Teens Will Come Back To You
Don’t Let Fear of an Empty Nest Ruin the Beautiful Moments You Have Now
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