Why Don’t Teenagers Seem to Make Plans Anymore?

*The following post is written by Karen Johnson, author of What Do I Want to Be When They Grow Up? (And Other Thoughts From a 40-Something Mom).

Do you remember those ominous TV commercials from when we were kids—“It’s 10 p.m. Do you know where your children are?” Well, for many parents of teens today, it’s easy to answer that question. Yes, we know where our children are. They are at home. They are always at home, in fact, because it seems teens don’t make plans anymore like they used to.

My 15-year-old high school freshman is a busy kid. Between regular acting roles in school and community theater, his commitment to the high school robotics team, and now that he’s about to try out for tennis as well, this teenager actually isn’t home very often. He either stays after school or asks me to drive him back to school nearly every night and most Saturdays as well.

But make plans? On his own? With friends? Yeah, that doesn’t happen.

No plans doesn’t necessarily mean no friendship

Does my teenager have friends? Yep—a very close-knit group of pals who talk on Discourse and game together online every free moment they get. But that’s usually it. They might occasionally meet up at someone’s house (ours included), but usually that’s because the moms have organized it—at least, that’s the case for my kid anyway.

And honestly, I don’t know if it’s because he’s so busy with extracurriculars and feels so much academic pressure, having the homework and tests that come with all honors and AP classes, that he’s just too tired to make plans as well. Maybe his mind is just at capacity and it’s easier to veg out in his room with a bag of chips and play together online.

Related: Are Video Games Good for Teens? The Answer Might Surprise You.

Or maybe today’s teens just enjoy the ease and comfort of technology we didn’t have. If we wanted to connect with our friends, we had to fight our siblings and parents for use of the house phone. So instead, we preferred going out, driving around, finding each other in town, or having a sleepover at each other’s houses. Today’s kids have access to their friends and peer group instantaneously. They don’t need to vie for the corded house phone with their older siblings or wait anxiously for their mom to hang up with Aunt Cathy.

Whatever the reason, lots of young people today aren’t making plans. They aren’t as eager to get their licenses (something I coveted, dreamed about, and achieved literally THE DAY I turned 16). My kid is 15 1/2 and hasn’t even started driver’s ed. Could not care less. Honestly, I think it’s because he knows his life won’t materially change once he does hold a new card in his wallet. (Sorry, I mean “phone pocket.”) Mom already drives him everywhere he wants to go, and when he can drive himself, he’ll still go to those same regular places—school, theater rehearsal, robotics meetings and competitions, tennis practice, friends’ houses. And repeat.

And when teens do try to make plans, it’s… awkward

Have you noticed that when they do attempt to make plans, they are truly terrible at it? In your house, does the conversation go something like this:

“Mom, can I go with my friends to the dance?”

“Yes! What’s the plan? Who are you going with? What night is it? When does it start? Do you need a ride there or a ride home? Do you have a ticket?”

***Blank stare***

It sure does in mine. Or, my 15-year-old unexpectedly does make a plan to leave the house and see a friend (yay!) but forgets to tell me and suddenly a car is outside beeping the horn because someone is here to pick him up. I call up to his room to inquire, and the response is something like, “Oh… right. I’m going to Max’s. I forgot to tell you.”

Today’s teens are growing up in a different world.

One factor that I believe weighs into this shift in teenage behavior is that parents today do more for their kids—we drive them ev.er.y.where. 80s and 90s moms? Ha! They told us to walk, take our bikes, or get a ride from someone else.

Also, kids today are more involved and have higher pressures than they did in years past. My 9th grader is so overwhelmingly busy with high-demand sports and extracurriculars—mostly because he loves theater, robotics, and tennis. But also, he feels immense pressure to diversity his interests to make himself more appealing on college applications. And, on top of all that, he just chose next year’s classes—which involved lots of discussions with teachers about which English class, which engineering class, and this math or that math… So yes, he knows how to “plan,” but only, it seems, when it involves a transcript and the help of a guidance counselor.

And finally, have you noticed how intense kids’ sports and activities are now? What used to be fun, 8-10-week activities in years past are now year-round commitments. I often wonder if the reason today’s teens can’t be bothered with casual plans like meeting up with friends because the stress of planning their lives is so heavy that they simply can’t do any more planning—of any kind.

So no, as a mom to teens, it’s not surprising at all to me that kids today (who are busier than ever) who can connect with friends at home—without having to get dressed, worry about curfew, or put on deodorant—are choosing just that.

Related: Five Simple Tips for Parents to Help Your Teens Become Safe Drivers

Are kids missing out if they stay home on Friday night?

So are today’s teens missing out? What will they look back on their adolescence and remember? As parents, should we worry or be mournful that they aren’t having those quintessential moments during their teen years of driving around with friends, hoping to run into their crush at the gas station? Or that they aren’t gathering at each other’s houses, snacking on junk food, daring each other to call the cute boy or girl and see if they answer the phone?

And should we, as parents, worry that they’ll lack basic life skills if they don’t learn how to organize a social event? Like how to RSVP properly, notify all parties involved of said plan, and figure out transportation and cost? Plus, are they missing out on honing essential social skills like making eye contact and learning how to navigate awkward or uncomfortable small talk with peers? Are they learning the value of including—not excluding—others? Do they know how to avoid bad behavior and function like a responsible human out in the world?

Should we worry about how their lack of planning (or ability to plan) is impacting their mental health? Especially for kids who were homebound for so long during Covid and missed a year or two of social development? Should we be concerned that when our kids don’t organize events that make them go out into the world, they may be manifesting more anxiety about… having to go out into the world?

Helping them learn to “plan” but still letting them steer the boat

I certainly worry about these things, which is why I end up planning social events for my kid, knowing that he probably won’t, but also knowing that he’ll benefit from leaving the house and seeing other people IRL. Also, when I get wind that there is an event brewing among his social circle, I ask those questions so he remembers the basics of “planning”—things like date, time, transportation, cost, etc. Maybe next time, he’ll come to me with the info already at hand without me having to ask. (I won’t hold my breath, though.)

For now, I’ll continue letting my awesome, super-busy, hard-working teen forge his own path. He’s growing up in the digital age in a world emerging from a pandemic—where his only lifeline with friends was the phone and computer for a very long time.

I’ll continue to gently guide him through the “planning process” while also keeping in mind that he’s being actively pushed to plan out his whole life right now, at age 15. I’ll continue to drive him to all the places until he’s ready to drive on his own. Because I’m not in a rush if he’s not, and those car rides often lead to my favorite conversations.

His world looks different that mine did at 15, and it’s my job to just be there, maybe plan a thing or two with his friends to show him the ropes, and be on standby for when he’s ready to come home.

And, if after a busy week of rehearsals and studying for a big math test, he’d rather just hole up in his room and meet up with friends in the internet world, I’ll probably just bring him a snack and work on planning something for next weekend.

Are you in the throes of raising teens while also figuring out what you’re going to do next once they’ve flown the coop?

Then you should definitely pre-order Karen Johnson’s new book What Do I Want to Be When They Grow Up?: (And Other Thoughts From a 40-something Mom). This book draws upon stories and experiences from Johnson and mothers around her, helping readers seek out new passions, including new career paths, to avoid feeling as if they are solely defined by motherhood.

Raising teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:

It’s Not “Just Pot” — Why We Need to Be Concerned About Today’s Marijuana

10 Common Problems Middle School Girls Face (And How Parents Can Help)

These Are the Mistakes I Made That Caused My Daughter to Quit Sports

9 Ways Parents Can Help Their Child Build Executive Function in Middle School

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