Have you ever been unsure what you have done all day to make you as tired as you are? In today’s tech-driven world, parents face an unprecedented mental load: constant vigilance over their teenagers’ screen use and social circles. This often involves researching new apps, monitoring online interactions, and staying updated on digital trends. For many of us, this can be a sign that we are doing more invisible work than we are giving ourselves credit for and we are ignoring the strain of helping others. 

This is especially true for those of us who are parenting in a very different world than we were raised in. For example, when people had one phone in the house, and it would ring, everyone knew someone was on the phone, and you could inquire as to who it was and what they were talking about. Now, your child could have someone silently contact them, whether via voice, text, or social DM (direct message), in their room, and you may never know. It is a reality where information and access to the world are at our children’s fingertips.

A Day in the Life of a “Digital Watchdog”

Keeping track of a teenager’s online presence and social circles, virtual or not, can feel like a full-time job. Apps like Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok, and newer social media platforms emerging each year allow teens to connect, share, and interact in ways parents could never have imagined during their youth. Each platform has its own risks and unwritten social rules, leaving parents with the task of understanding each app and assessing the potential dangers that come with them. 

Related: Are Video Games Good for Teens? The Answer Might Surprise You

“Every time my phone dings, my mind races,” shares Jackie, a mother of three teenage daughters. “Is it my daughters posting something? Is it a stranger reaching out to them? Did one of their friends say something that could affect their mental health?” Jackie’s sentiments echo countless parents who constantly manage the tightrope between privacy and protection, fearing they might overlook a crucial red flag.

It’s no wonder that over 65% of parents report feeling anxious about their children’s digital lives, with teens spending an average of seven (7) hours a day on digital devices. Platforms like TikTok and Instagram are constant sources of interaction, averaging 120 and 65 minutes for daily usage. As family therapist Dr. Susan Harper notes, “Parents feel trapped in a 24/7 monitoring role, balancing trust with security, which becomes an emotional drain.”

After all, parenting has always been about guiding and protecting, so how can we help ourselves better deal with the mental load of monitoring the access and engagement of our children? Below are three tips to help manage the invisible mental load of monitoring screens and social circles.

3 Ways Parents Can Manage the Mental Load of Monitoring Screens

1. Have an open conversation with your child about appropriate and inappropriate material for them to engage in.

Please consider adolescents’ emotional maturity and then set and manage expectations and guidelines together. When parents and teens set clear boundaries in partnership, they can help build an open environment for constant dialogue. Then, as new situations occur, the expectations can be managed. For example, when our kids experience their first group text that leads to hundreds of notifications, they might come to us and say, “Mom, this is annoying.” Now, yes, we (as parents) could tell them to silence it, block it, ignore it, or we can have a conversation and offer ideas on how to handle it best—empowering our kids to create the boundary (and begin establishing healthy screen habits) themselves.

2. Use parental controls, whether through your phone provider or independent applications.

These tools exist for a reason (e.g., Aura, bark, mSpy, Life360). Social media isn’t regulated like our television or radio, so these tools are available to monitor what your children view and discuss and who is engaging with them. Scheduling regular check-ins to review the material with your child can make it feel a little less like policing and provide an opening for more discussion about their online behavior. If technology use is going to impact so much of our children’s lives, why not make better use of it ourselves as we keep them safe?

Editor’s note: We used Bark for mentoring and monitoring our teens technology use.

3. Create tech-free connection times when screens are not to be used.

You could have a board game night, go for a hike, or plan a family outing as forms of non-tech entertainment. This allows you to have time with your children where you can engage with one another and allow them to discuss things with you. Also, this could be a time and space for you to talk about what they see and experience online so you can have a better understanding of what they are engaging with on the internet.

Related: 10 Brilliant Non Tech Gifts For Teens To Get Them Off Their Screens

You’re doing important work, so give yourself credit.

The critical thing to remember is that this is an ever-evolving territory of parenting in a world that never truly “logs off.” Our youth’s increased social media use and overall online access has created an environment where open communication and monitoring are essential for their continued security and safety. This invisible work takes time and energy.

As we navigate this new territory of digital parenting, remember to credit yourself for your invisible work. Creating boundaries for your kids and yourself is a gift that allows for trust, balance, and a moment’s peace in an otherwise constantly connected world.  It’s okay to unplug and find time to recharge; a resilient parent is a child’s greatest security source.

Looking for an additional resource to help you navigate parenting in the digital age?

We recommend Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World. Drawing on her extensive work with parents and schools as well as hundreds of interviews with kids, parents, educators, clinicians, and scholars, Heitner offers strategies for parenting our kids in an always-connected world. With relatable stories and research-backed advice, Growing Up in Public empowers parents to cut through the overwhelm to connect with their kids, recognize how to support them, and help them figure out who they are when everyone is watching.

Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:

Why You Shouldn’t Let Your Middle School Kids Have Social Media

Tips and Skills that Will Make a Teen’s Anxiety Less Powerful in their Lives

Why Parents Should Worry About Their Teens Sleeping with Smartphones

I Felt Like a Failure When My Daughter Struggled With Depression

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