Whitney Fleming is the author of You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either and the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens.
According to a survey by the Pew Research Center last year, parents’ number one desire is for their children to become financially independent and grow into honest and ethical people. Meanwhile, the number one worry (which 76 percent of parents said was extremely to somewhat worrisome) is that their kids might struggle with depression or anxiety.
This makes sense, as what parent does not want to raise a happy, healthy, and productive adult?
Despite that data, many parents are doing more for their teens and young adults than ever before, and it’s a problem. One trend that is currently playing out is named Failure to Launch Syndrome. While not an official mental health diagnosis, it is a phenomenon that refers to those young adults who remain dependent on their parents rather than establishing a separate and independent life as self-sufficient adults.
“Failure to Launch is the stall in the developmental process of young adults that can include symptoms like feeling stuck, an overall lack of motivation, and withdrawing from others,” explains National Certified Counselor Tanya Peterson. “Keep in mind that the ‘launch’ to full adulthood is typically a gradual transition, a process involving different steps and milestones rather than a single event. Similarly, symptoms may occur and accumulate over time.”
Examples of this might be a college student who can’t do things like problem-solve on their own while away at school, yet is equally unproductive and unable to function when they return home. Or, a recent college graduate who does not seek employment and is unmotivated to do so.
What causes “Failure to Launch”?
While blaming a young person’s struggles solely on “bad parenting” is an oversimplification in most cases, there are some parenting and family behaviors that contribute to a young adult’s failure to launch. Whether intentional or unintentional, parents’ behavior can set kids up for over-reliance, diminished self-confidence, and lack of motivation. The more involved the parents are, the more dependent kids become. Likewise, the more the parents feel they need to intervene, the more their children feel less capable to take care of their own needs. It is a vicious cycle that is tough to break—one where good intentions often interfere with growth.
I’ve seen this first-hand with friends and co-students of my three college-aged children. For many reasons, such as the overwhelming price of college, fear about the chaotic nature of the world around us, and the over-scheduling of teens and young adults, many well-meaning parents often interject themselves into their adult children’s lives. I know some parents who track their teens’ location to ensure they attend class, do their weekly grocery shopping online, or call each morning to ensure they wake up for the day. I also know many parents who reach out to professors on their student’s behalf (or without them knowing), manage day-to-day responsibilities, and even get involved in roommate disputes. As a result, their adult children aren’t utilizing their own coping mechanisms.
Some parents are unapologetic about their actions and feel that the world today is more complicated and costly, forcing them to be more integrated into the day-to-day lives of their young adults. Others recognize their over-involvement at a later date and eventually course-correct.
You might also like to read: 10 Important Things Parents Should Never Do for Their College Freshman
According to many experts, however, there is a balance where an adult child can be independent and interdependent. And understanding how to navigate that in-between space is a vital, albeit challenging, part of their journey (and ours!). As psychiatrist and Executive Director of the Optimum Performance Institute Robert Fischer, M.D. says, “Young adults need to tap into a sense of both perseverance and resiliency in order to make independent decisions while learning to simultaneously and skillfully balance the use of the resources of others and the world. No one takes this journey on his or her own.”
So, how can parents help launch their teens into the world successfully without watching their child burn out? The answer lies in looking at life skills as learning opportunities more than simple tasks.
How do we breed independence for our teens while maintaining interdependence with us?
There is always a big divide on how much parents should help teens, particularly in the busy high school years. Many teenagers are overloaded with academics, extracurriculars, part-time jobs, service hours, and much more, which means we of course want to offer guidance and support. Also, many parents are also under a great deal of stress, so it can be frustrating and time-consuming to constantly beg and negotiate with your teen to do a simple task or finish their chores. As a result, many moms and dads do things that tweens and teens are capable of doing for themselves simply because it is easier and less stressful.
I’ve had these internal conversations with myself throughout the teen years: Make their lunch or don’t make their lunch. Do their laundry or don’t do their laundry. Remind them about their schoolwork or let them fail.
I worry that making a mistake can impact their future. I worry that they might be judged poorly (or maybe others may judge my parenting.) I worry my kids are stressed and overwhelmed and need my helping hand.
I think many of us also feel this way, but mostly, we just want to be kind to our kids. For many parents, the case for helping our kids out is, “My kid can do these things for themselves, BUT they are so busy that I want to help them. Everyone can use some help.”
And I totally agree with this philosophy. This world is harsh, and we can all use a hand to get through it. As long as you regularly teach life skills like smart money management and taking ownership of your own choices, a simple task like making their lunch when your kid is busy is a great way to show love.
But I do think we are also taking a few things away from kids when we do all these things for them all the time.
Three Simple Tasks You Should Transition to Your Teens
1. Let them pack (or choose) their own lunch each day.
For many of us, food equals love, and there is nothing like a home-cooked meal from a parent. And let’s be honest, for many of us going through the challenging teen years, it feels good to know that we can still connect in some way. But learning to make good, healthy choices about food is an integral life skill our teens need to develop. (Check out 15 Easy Recipes for Teens to Help Them Learn to Cook).
Many parents make lunches for their kids because they want them to have something nutritious. They worry that if they don’t make breakfasts and lunches, their kids won’t eat a good meal. The problem arises, however, when they move out of their parents’ house or get to college. Many young adults often eat take-out because they don’t want to make decisions at the dining hall, do not have the time to learn how to cook, or don’t want to think about it (because they have never had to think about it.) Getting your teen to be responsible for eating in a healthy way is one of those essential life skills they can carry with them their entire lives.
The good news is there are many ways we can help facilitate healthy food choices while letting them assemble their own lunches. Take them food shopping with you (or ask them to go to the store for you with a list), give them healthy choices in your pantry and refrigerator, cut up fruits and vegetables that they can grab, and allow them to figure out what works (and doesn’t work for them). Sure, you might cringe sometimes at what you see (or don’t see) in their bag, but you can continue to work on them while they are still at home and you control the food available at home. And of course, if they are in a pinch, make their lunch, but getting them to make those decisions independently is priceless.
2. Have them take responsibility for their own laundry.
No one likes to do laundry (except maybe my mom, who loves laundry!) It is an easy task to help kids out with, especially when they’re busy with school and activities. Now that I have college kids, however, I recognize that laundry is more than just an annoying chore.
Having teens do their laundry is a great way to hone their planning skills and manage their schedules. With three busy teens, owning a business, a husband who travels, and weekends that were often jam-packed with sports tournaments, marching band festivals, and other obligations, there was no way I could keep up with my teens’ clothing needs. My daughters needed a different colored shirt or jersey or pants every day, and I couldn’t keep up, so I let them know they needed to take this task on during a particularly busy work season.
I found that having my teens in charge of their own laundry made them more responsible and accountable for their daily lives. Each evening they needed to ensure they knew what they needed for the next day. On Sundays, they had to remember to wash their gym uniform for the week, or they may get stuck wearing a stinky one for a day or two. During the week, they may need to wash a practice jersey, soccer socks, or a t-shirt for spirit day. If they had a tournament coming up that weekend, they needed to prepare for it by ensuring they had the clothes they needed or they could be wearing dirty shorts.
Eventually, I often saw one of my kids come straight home from a late-night practice and dump their dirty clothes in the washer for the next day. They’d put the clothes in the dryer before bed and then pack them up in the morning. It became a habit that I greatly appreciated.
This doesn’t mean I left them on their own. If they asked me to help, I would totally do it. “Mom, can you switch my laundry out?” No problem, kid! “Mom, I forgot to put my black socks in the washer!” No problem, kid! “Mom, my black pants for orchestra don’t fit anymore. Can we get a new pair soon?” Of course!
Because the only thing I truly wanted them to learn was how to be responsible for their own personal wellbeing and think about what they need to get through their day. It does not mean they did all their washing, folding, and putting it away, but it did mean they needed to be responsible for thinking about it.
Once you know the basics, laundry is a simple task that anyone can do (although my kids tell me many of the students at their school still struggle with it.) Staying on top of it, being accountable for your own schedule and needs, and having the confidence and drive to get it done? Well that’s something that can make life transitions, like moving away from home or going to college, a little easier.
3. Allow them to fail small and fail forward.
One time, I shared a story about how I didn’t take my daughter’s paper to school for her in 9th grade and was hammered by the Internet. “Everyone needs help!” people said. “What if you forgot your laptop for an important meeting?” people said. And I felt that because many have helped me in the past when I forgot something or made a mistake.
But here’s the thing. I reminded my daughter four times to put her paper in her backpack, just as I had repeatedly reminded her about things that school year. I helped her out the week before when she forgot her gym uniform. I often slipped folders or books into her bag on the way out the door. She knew that paper was a big portion of her grade but did not feel the need to ensure it was where it needed to be to get to school the next day.
When my daughter texted me during her lunch and said, “I forgot my paper on the kitchen counter,” I responded with, “I’m so sorry.” Because I was. I hated that she had to deal with something tough, and I knew it would be hard for her to navigate. I was worried about her grades. I wanted her to succeed.
But that day was a game changer for my daughter. She had to work up the courage to go and speak to her teacher about it. He told her she could turn the paper in the next day, but she would receive 10 points off. She didn’t want her grade to drop, so she asked for extra credit and studied hard for her next test. She ended up with an A and started putting everything she needed for the next day in her bookbag the night before (most of the time.) Moving forward, I knew if she forgot something, it was because she was overwhelmed or it was an accident, not because she just didn’t feel like putting something away.
I have zero regrets about that incident. I don’t think my daughter does either. I would much rather she received a bad test grade in high school when I can help her through it than when it counted more. That one small fail helped her learn about accountability and taught her the value of communication skills as she had to bravely approach her teacher. That single incident sparked a positive change for her and caused her to move forward, and I believe she’s a better student because of it.
Why Teens Need to Do These Simple Life Tasks
So, my point in sharing this? Many parents want to show their love to their teens by doing things for them, and I get that. We also believe that they know how to do these simple tasks, so why can’t we help them out while they are still at home?
But we have to ask ourselves, are we doing it for them, or are we doing it for us? Are we trying to control them, or are we helping them learn? Are we loving, or are we enabling?
When we talk about life skills, we are not talking about the actual task. We are talking about decision-making, planning ahead, taking responsibility for your health and well-being, developing resilience, and growing into a happy and productive human being.
There is no greater boost to a child’s confidence and self-esteem than knowing others believe in their ability to care for themselves.
And there’s no better gift we can give our kids than that.
Looking for a book that will help you feel less alone during these challenging years of raising teens?
We recommend You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either by Whitney Fleming. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship.
Parenting teens and tweens is tough, but you’re not alone. These posts can help:
Financial Literacy For Teens: Get Money In THEIR Hands
Tips and Skills that Will Make a Teen’s Anxiety Less Powerful in their Lives
How to Help Your Teen Develop Leadership Skills Using Empathy
10 Simple Ways Parents Can Help Their Teens with Executive Function Skills
*Note: this post may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission for products purchased from our site.
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