Inside this post: Do you want a better relationship with your teen? These six tips can help..

When our kids were little, we thought we might not survive all the sleepless nights, tantrums, and toilet training of early childhood. But looking back, that can seem like a cakewalk compared to the challenges that come with raising tweens and teens.

Wow, it truly is a roller coaster of emotions!

The eye-rolling, the sarcasm, the moody silence, and sudden anger can all take its toll, leaving you wanting to tear your hair out. Or theirs.

Many parents feel frustrated as their children move into adolescence. There may be new clashes with your personalities and attitudes you’ve never seen before. You may be sad because you don’t feel as close to your child, and you miss the kid you used to tuck in at night. You may see them push limits and question your decisions at every opportunity.

However, you must accept that your teenagers are likely trying to find themselves as they move toward adulthood. Understanding that your role has changed and they need you more for guidance than doing things for them will help you preserve the bond you have with your son or daughter.

Many parents find the teen years extremely challenging, but there are simple steps you can implement that can preserve your sanity and enrich the relationship with your pre-teen or teen. While it’s normal to experience some turbulence during this time, you also want to preserve your long-term relationship.

These six tips will help you have a more peaceful relationship with your teen – guaranteed.

How to have a better relationship with your teen

Don’t know where to start? We have you covered:

No Nagging

I admit it; I am a nagger.  It’s not pretty, but hey, I’m not perfect. So If you’re getting an attitude from your big kid, take a quick look in the mirror and see what you’re doing.

Could you be nagging? Can you sound kinder? Is this a battle worth having?

Instead of saying to my kids, “Why aren’t you studying; you have a test tomorrow!”  I have learned my daughter needs quiet time after school.

It’s better when I say, “Hey, I know you need to have some downtime–when do you want to switch gears and study for your test? I can plan dinner around that.”  

By speaking gently, giving her some control, and validating her emotions, I get more of an answer than a grunt or mini explosion.

Sometimes just the tone of voice can lower the stress in the room.

Related: How To Stop Nagging and Reconnect With Your Teen

Feed The Beast 

Never underestimate the power of hangry!

Like when you had to carry snacks and emergency cheerios for your toddler, your teen may still need the same. For my kids, food is a necessity when they get home.

Immediately, if not sooner.

Now, if I ask if they want a snack, I may get some snide comments, grunts or eye-rolling to convey that they don’t need me to remind them to eat. But if I simply hand them some food or toss a plate of food in their direction, it gets devoured, and I generally get a much happier teenager. Sometimes I get a thank you or smile as appreciation as well–and I take whatever affection I can get during these teenage years!

Rules Rule

Another simple thing to remember, but that can seem particularly hard to do with teens, is sticking to the rules.

Setting and enforcing boundaries is an important way to keep your teens safe and show your love.

Related: Six Boundaries for Teens They’ll Thank You For Later

It’s never too late to set up some house rules, or re-enforce the ones you already have.

It’s tempting as you try to give teens some freedom and independence to let them slack a bit. Nothing wrong with that–it’s great to encourage independence.

But it’s a fine line, and if your kid is crossing it on a consistent basis, it’s time to toughen up and remind them the difference between rights and privilege.

Today’s teen faces a litany of challenges, including peer pressure regarding drugs, alcohol, and sex, negative impacts from social media, the constant influx of negative news about violence and global events, and extreme academic stress, among other factors. Couple this with everything happening developmentally in the teenage brain, and it’s easy to understand why adolescents need some rules and boundaries to get through this stage.

Establishing clear rules with clear consequences (especially when it comes to safety and respectful communication) can help you and your teen be less emotional when they may go off the right path. Sometimes even writing these rules down in contract form can help keep everyone accountable.

Avoid the Power Struggle

One of the best strategies for avoiding power struggles is to give choices within those limits we just mentioned–or at least give your child a chance to have input. This can be especially impactful during the high school years when your teen may be desperate for more independence.

Avoid ultimatums, which a teen will see as a challenge.

It’s all about sharing control and being clear. Some rules are non-negotiable, such as not using alcohol, finishing chores, or not using their cell phones while driving. But as teenagers mature, we need to consider their point of view and take into consideration any extenuating circumstances.

Try giving them two options, each of which are okay with you. For example, “Will you be home by 10, or do you think 10:30?” And be willing to explain your reason.

Another option is when they ask to go somewhere, discuss what time might be reasonable for them to return home and why. Listen to them and try not to just want to win the discussion.

If they want to buy something that seems outlandish, ask them why and how they can pay for it. The end goal is for them to make intelligent decisions on their own one day.

Try giving them two options, each of which is ok with you. For example, “Will you be home by 10, or do you think 10:30?” And be willing to explain your reason.

They may be way more accepting if they understand it’s for their safety.  But try to think ahead and give choices before your teen resists. If you give into them because of their begging or nagging, you reward that resistance, and that’s no good for anyone.

Related: Ending the Power Struggle with My Teen Meant Giving Up Some Control

Be flexible.

Being flexible also includes being reasonable.

Avoid setting rules your teen can’t possibly follow. A chronically messy teen might have real trouble immediately maintaining a spotless bedroom. So if that’s not crucial to you, give some grace and let it go.

You need to pick and choose your battles to have a better relationship with your teen.

As your teen demonstrates more responsibility, grant them more freedom. Acknowledging what they are doing right is a great way to maintain a close relationship and build your teen’s self-confidence.

Remember, you can always close the door to a messy bedroom, but it’s tough to unlock a teen’s heart that feels like they can’t do anything right.

Be what you want to see

Teens are still learning how to behave, and believe it or not, they are still watching us for clues.

Sadly, “Do as I say, not as I do” is not how it works. Your actions generally speak louder than your words.

Show your teen how to cope with stress in positive ways and demonstrate resiliency to tough situations. Talk about the positive relationships in your life so they know what those look like. Try not to talk about others and refrain from constant judgment of their friends and their parents.

And if you lose it, own it. Admit it and say you’re sorry. Forgiveness is an important life skill.

Be a good model, and your teen will likely follow.

And when that doesn’t work, just breathe and walk away. Teens are not a finished product; some just take longer to mature than others.

Sometimes to have a better relationship with your teen, everyone needs a good night’s sleep. 

Tomorrow is another day.

This was a contributor post from Dana Baker-Williams, a not-so-perfect mom of two, a writer and a parent/teen coach. She offers advice from the trenches, a nonjudgmental ear and tips based on the science of psychology and the reality of parenting. Her work comes with a good dose of humor and the simple recognition that no matter how hard we may try, none of us is a perfect parent. https://www.parentinginreallife.org/

Are you struggling with the relationship with your teenager?

We often feel alone during these teen years, like we are the only ones struggling. You may like this book by the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They Are Hard to Love: Essays on Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.

Looking for more tips for raising teens and tweens?

How To Help Tweens and Teens Avoid The Comparison Trap

The Best Ted Talks for Teens and Teen To Help Them Learn To Adult

10 Important Things Tweens Need from Their Parents Before the Teen Years

There Is Hope On The Other Side Of Heartache In The Teen Years

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