Some kids were just born to let go.
Some kids come out of the womb more independent and ready to take on this big world.
Some kids were just born to release their mom’s hands in grocery store parking lots or in crowded stores or major airports.
Some kids never reach back for their parents at preschool drop-off and never cry when they are left with a babysitter.
Some kids love going to camps and sleepovers and trying new things.
And although I know that this is a great quality, and I should love this independent streak, sometimes it broke my heart that my youngest could break away so easily.
But for my daughter, she was born to let go.
Related: How Do You Say Goodbye to Your Baby When It’s Time to Let Them Go?
Independence is a double-edged sword for parents of teenagers
For some parents, letting go is complicated and painful and hard.
For this mom, it was never a choice.
Because some kids just know exactly what they like and they won’t have it any other way. Some kids were born ready to pick out their clothes, their food, their friends, and what they want to get out of this life.
Some kids are hard-wired with their own identity, and it’s our job as parents not to get in their way.
Some kids are just born with an independent streak so fierce, an internal compass so steadfast, and a personality so defined that it’s just a mom’s job to go along for the ride.
And as those kids grow into young adults who walk confidently into new situations and tackle life without fear, our mom-hearts break all over again, knowing they’re ready to fly the nest, maybe even a little too eager to let go.
Some people call these types of kids strong-willed, but I’ve seen my daughter’s independence as soon as she came out of the womb–and she’s never looked back.
It’s a delicate balance guiding these independent teens
These big kids don’t do it all on their own. We discuss difficult choices, and they try to respect when we step in to right the course.
Mostly, though, we wonder, “When did they stop needing me? Did they ever really need me at all?”
And as I watch my teen daughter so eager and ready to fly my nest, I confess it’s both exhilarating and gut-wrenching. She has all the confidence I wish I had at that age, but I also can’t help wishing she’d ask for a little help now and again, too.
But she is one of those kids who came into this world ready to take it on full steam. She was born to let go.
So, I share life lessons with her here, and make suggestions for her there, but overparenting has never been an option. Sheltering her or holding her back was never a choice.
Because this kid was born to let go.
And it’s always been my job to watch her fly.
Sometimes loving hard means letting go.
Tips for raising an independent teen
We all hope our teens become independent, responsible, and productive adults. When you have a fiercely independent teen, it can be challenging to get them to listen to you while continuing to build their confidence.
It can be frustrating when they no longer come to you for advice or even permission on decisions both large and small, and sometimes parents can even feel taken advantage of when they only time they come to you is when they need something like money or a signature.
The important thing to remember is that while they are struggling for their autonomy, they do care about your opinion–even when they swear they do not. But don’t expect them to admit it.
So, how can parents help their teens feel independent while also keeping them safe and on-track?
Six tips to raising an independent teen:
Raising an independent teenager can be both challenging and rewarding. Here are five tips to help nurture independence in your teen:
- Encourage Discussion around Decision-Making: Some teens desperately want to control their destinies and have the ability to know what it is they want and need. Consider letting your adolescent come to you with decisions they want to make about their life, and make sure you listen to their thoughts about their choices. Instead of shutting them down, discuss the negative and positive consequences of their decisions and how they can be accountable. Make them lay out a plan on how their choices will support their goals. Ask them how will they recover if things do not go as planned. The goal is to foster better decision-making skills so they can positively harness their independence.
- Rules of Engagement: Sometimes, parents can take their adolescents’ quest for independence as a sign of disrespect when it’s more about autonomy. And sometimes, teens can get frustrated and lash out disrespectfully. Set some guidelines on how important discussions occur in your home and set boundaries on what decisions your teen can make without your input (i.e., extracurricular activities and social engagements, yes; curfew and household chores, no.) You may also like to read: How to Deal with Teenage Backtalk and Disrespect
- Respect Their Independence: Many independent teens overwhelmingly desire to maintain their privacy and personal space. This may feel insulting to parents, but it’s quite normal as teens try to figure out who they are outside of their own homes. To take away the power struggle, let your teen explore various interests and activities without a lot of guidance and constant oversight. Try not to criticize their choices, no matter how ridiculous they seem. Where it might look like they are flighty by going from activity to activity, what they are doing is figuring out their likes and dislikes. You may also like to read: Dear Mom: Please Stick With Me as I Find Myself
- Reward Positive Behavior. Show your teen that you notice their good choices and behavior by giving them more freedom at each opportunity, and stick to consequences (either natural or pre-determined) when they don’t. Share that you know they may make mistakes sometimes, but owning up to the mistake shows responsibility. But, also share that covering up their missteps by lying or placing blame on someone else is a good way to lose responsibility and respect.
- Focus on the What-ifs: Instead of lecturing your teen on what not to do, flip the conversation to prepare them for potential problems. For example, ask them what they would do if they noticed their driver drinking at a party, or how would they handle it if they lost their phone at a concert? The goal is to empower them to make good decisions in the moment regardless of the situation.
- Teach Life Skills: While some teens seem to be more naturally independent and capable, that does not mean as parents we can neglect important life skills. Some things just need to be taught and learned. For example, kitchen safety, money management, and communication skills are all things we can help our teens hone while they are at home.
Are you looking for more encouragement for raising your teens and tweens?
Check out this book, Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love, by the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens, Whitney Fleming. The book contains 55 relatable essays about raising tweens and teens in today’s modern and chaotic world.
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts may help:
Taking Away the Friction: How to Fix a Difficult Relationship With Your Teen
Try These Five Simple Tips When Things Are Rough With Your Teen
8 Simple and Creative Ideas to Connect with Your Teen or Tween
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