So much of what we share as parents — both online and in real life — is about our kids’ successes.
Rob scored straight As again! #proudmom
Mary killed it as the lead in her play!
Jimmy got picked for All Stars for the sixth year in a row!
Joanie won the national spelling bee!
And I think these achievements are fantastic, and all reasons to celebrate.
But recently, I watched something that broke my heart, and I wanted to share.
I watched as one of my daughters was picked dead last for something.
Nothing prepares us for the incredible pain we feel as parents when our kids suffer
When a coach encouraged my daughter to try out for a competitive soccer team, she jumped at the chance. The club program was outside our town, but she loved to play, and we thought it would be a good experience.
As I dropped her off that first week, I decided to stick around, but stay out of sight. She was 11, and because we didn’t know anyone on the team or the coaches I felt a little better staying close the first week or two.
I parked far across the lot, and once a few cars left, I had a clear visual of the practice. I pulled out my laptop to work, but the team breaking out into sections caught my eye.
I watched as the large group of girls lined up across the top of the box. My daughter was the shortest and slightest girl out there, and I felt a pit in my stomach.
Four team “captains” went around picking members for their squads until my daughter was the last girl standing.
It was crushing and humiliating and sad for her. As a parent, it was painful to watch, and it took everything in my power not to pull her off the field and into my arms.
Sometimes life just ain’t fair.
Kids, especially tweens and teens, need the opportunity to become resilient.
She kept her chin up the whole time, however, and my deflated heart began to grow as she persevered through the difficult situation. She pushed herself to the limit physically, and while she wasn’t the best, she did her best. That’s all I could ask of her.
By the end, she returned to the car looking a little defeated but okay.
Trust me, I know it’s not the worst thing that will ever happen to her. It’s certainly a first-world problem.
In my heart, I believe that facing adversity is what makes us stronger and more capable of dealing with what life throws at us.
But to watch your child’s confidence diminish, to look at a piece of her fade away before your eyes; well, it’s a tough pill to swallow.
RELATED: 8 Simple Tips to Help Your 8th Grader Prepare for High School
We can’t solve our tweens and teens problems, but we can still be there for them
When we got home later that night, I decided to talk about it with her.
She already rationalized the reasons behind her selection placement: she was newer to the group and didn’t know the girls as well, and then she moved to a more self-deprecating acknowledgment of her lack of talent and skill on her new team.
Watching her try so hard to justify the situation almost broke me. It took all my willpower not to pull her on my lap and shout, “Sometimes girls can be so mean! They don’t know what they’re missing!”
But as I listened to her talk about the positives of the event, I realized something bigger.
After being sad, she wasn’t letting this setback break her spirit. She was willing to go back and try again
Helping tweens reframe their problems instead of solve them can help them move on
I told her, “You know what? I think it was a good thing it was you that got picked last. I think there was a purpose to it.”
“Mom, what are you trying to say? That I deserved it? What did I do to deserve feeling like a loser?” her tiny voice erupted.
“Someone always has to be picked last. Always. And usually, it’s the same person time and time again. You’ve never been picked last, have you?”
Her small head looked down, and it shook slowly from side to side.
“And you’ll probably never forget this feeling, will you?”
“No, even though I’d like to,” she responded.
“Well, maybe you being picked last saved someone else, someone who always gets picked last, from that feeling tonight. Maybe that girl isn’t as strong or confident. Maybe she needed this to feel good, even if it was only for one night.
And I want you to think about that feeling the next time you get to pick the teams. Maybe you can make sure the same girl doesn’t feel that way every time, right?”
“I think that’s a good idea, Mom. And I hope someone remembers that for me.”
RELATED: Five Critical Parenting Insights I Learned as a Middle School Principal
I swallowed hard and smiled at my little girl who is growing up so fast, squashing back the tears I wanted to flow both from wanting to erase my child’s pain and the pride that comes from knowing she will be better because of it.
Because watching your child struggle, knowing your child was picked dead last — well, that’s not something you run to post on Facebook.
But I did, because maybe you’ve felt that way before too. Maybe you’ll talk to your son or daughter about picking teams using kindness because it may give someone a needed confidence boost. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll share your story with someone as well, and it will help them get through a difficult time.
Because while I want to celebrate your child’s successes, sometimes sharing our struggles can make a parent feel less alone.
And that can be all the difference.
All it takes is one brave parent.
Be brave today.
Are you looking to help your tween become more resilient?
We love this book, Chasing Failure, by Ryan Leak.
It’s a great read for any parent trying to build resiliency in their tween. Trying something new can be scary, especially when focused on fitting in. It can be hard to try new things and risk failure. Let’s encourage our kids (and ourselves) always to be willing to be new at something, to try new things, and take healthy chances. In Ryan Leak’s book Chasing Failure, he shows us all how failure is crucial to success. This book will empower tweens to look at failure differently. That shift in perspective will relieve some of the pressure to get everything right the first time.
Raising tweens and teens is hard. Here are a few other posts parents have found helpful:
Six Awesome Books for Raising Teen Boys in Today’s Chaotic World
Five Must-Read Books to Help You Effectively Parent Teen Daughters
Four Practical Tips for Parents to Help Their Middle Schoolers with Math
To My Eighth Grade Boy In Your Last Year of Middle School
This post originally appeared on the author’s Facebook page.
Not to diminish what your daughter felt. But how about an article about kids who always get picked last, left out or generally made to feel bad from their peers. Not as easy to find the positive in it. I think that would be more valuable to parents