Inside: It can be hard when your preteen or young teen starts talking about popularity in middle school. It brings along a lot of challenges and confusion for you both. Here’s what’s happening developmentally and how you can help your child navigate it.

Jessica Speer is the award-winning author of Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised and BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships.

Towards the end of elementary school, the term “popular” started to pop up in my daughters’ conversations about their social worlds. Phrases like, “the popular kids all wear that,” or “Ava really wants to be in the popular group,” expressed a new awareness of peer social status. By the end of 5th grade, the playground had shifted from unstructured play to more complex group dynamics and hierarchy.

The Growth in Importance of Popularity in Early Adolescence

Research on kids and popularity back up this shift. In elementary school, “popularity’ is not a big deal. A study by Kathryn LaFontana and Antonius Cillessen found that less than 10% of children in grades 1st – 4th grades consider popularity more important than friendship. That percentage more than doubles as kids begin middle school.

Over 25% of 5th – 8th graders consider popularity more important than friendships. Not all kids want to be popular, but they need to figure out how to navigate peers and status. Preteens are working on figuring out who they are outside their family, so peer status matters.

Types of Popularity

When I ask students about the qualities of “popular” kids, their responses describe a diverse pattern of traits and behaviors. Some of these fall into pro-social behaviors, while others do not.

Research on popularity backs this up too. The popularity scene in adolescence is complex because there is more than one kind of popularity.

In his book, Popular – The Power of Likability in a Status Obsessed World, Dr. Mitch Prinstein describes two types of popularity: likability and status. Younger children learn and strive to be “likable,” which includes the traits of sharing, cooperating, and treating others with respect. 

Young children name peers with “likable” traits as the most popular. These tend to be the “nice” kids who act in friendly ways toward peers and handle conflict constructively.

The other form of popularity based on “status” emerges in early adolescence. The traits of “status” popularity include power, influence, and notoriety.

These tend to be the “cool” kids that are socially competent but not necessarily “kind.” The behaviors and traits associated with status popularity combine prosocial behaviors with antisocial behaviors like aggressiveness and social manipulation. Kids with this type of popularity tend to be admired but also feared.

During the preteen and early teen years, students name peers with “status” and “likable” peers as popular. Essentially, popularity gets more complex just as kids become more interested in it.

Likability vs. Status Popularity

Concern over acceptance, rejection and popularity is at a maximum level for kids and their parents during middle school and early high school – a time when social instability rules. “The urge to be popular among peers reaches its zenith in adolescence,” explains Dr. Prinstein. Kids want to be seen and accepted, so the allure of popularity makes sense.

However, the behaviors and traits associated with “likability,” such as cooperation and caring, help kids forge genuine relationships. Research finds that adolescents with “status” popularity are less likely to have satisfying friendships and romantic relationships later in life. They are also at higher risk for substance abuse problems.

Helping Kids Navigate the Popularity Scene

Through ongoing conversations, caregivers help their kids increase their social awareness and foster skills that support healthy relationships. Here’s how parents can approach these conversations:

1. Listen without judgment – Allow your kids to process social dynamics and emotions out loud without jumping in to fix or make judgments. Remember, social dynamics are complex, and you only hear one side of the story. Ask questions, empathize and seek to understand instead of judging your kids or other kids.
2. Gently broaden their perspective – Help your kids understand different types of popularity and the qualities of genuine friendships. As kids develop social-emotional skills, navigating peer relationships and social status is filled with ups and downs. Kids are developing skills at different paces, so misunderstandings, change, and mistakes are common.
3. Talk about friendship skills – There are a lot of skills that support healthy peer relationships, such as listening, cooperating, emotional regulation, being trustworthy, communicating well, speaking up, maintaining boundaries, conflict resolution, and being respectful. These skills take time and practice to develop. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. And everyone makes mistakes. Continue to talk about these skills positively and recognize when you see your kids and others practicing them.

Navigating the preteen and teen social scene is no simple task. Kids are trying to figure out who they are, how to be a good friend, and how to choose good friends. Bumps in the road are inevitable.

But something important happens during this phase too. Kids learn how to navigate tricky social dynamics. What to look for in friendship and the value of supportive relationships. By the end of high school, most understand that the quality of friendships is much more important than quantity. And, “popularity” and status become less important too.

About Jessica Speer

Jessica Speer is the award-winning author of Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised and BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. These fun, interactive guidebooks help preteens and teens navigate their social world. She has a master’s degree in social sciences and explores social-emotional topics in ways that connect with kids. Jessica is regularly featured in and contributes to media outlets on topics related to kids, parenting, and friendship. For more information, visit JessicaSpeer.com and follow on Instagram @jessica_speer_author.

Parenting Teens and Tweens can be challenging, but here are some other resources to help:

Why This Mom Is Not Sad For Middle School To Be Over

Middle School, The Hardest Years of Your Life As A Mom (So Far)

Why Seventh Grade Sucks the Most for Tweens and Their Parents