How to Talk to Adolescent Girls About Unwanted Sexual Attention

My daughter was just six when I noticed her body was developing differently than other girls her age. She wore an adorable red-and-white checked bikini but looked more like J. Lo than a budding first grader. With long limbs and pronounced curves, it was hard not to notice her.

When she turned 12, my tween daughter looked much older than her years. She was tall and slim with curves in all the right places. I watched as grown men stole second glances at her long legs or took lingering looks up and down her body. It was incredibly uncomfortable for both of us–her, just on the onset of puberty, and me as a mama bear who wanted to impale those men on the spot!

As a parent, it’s terrifying, yet I know this is something I need to prepare her to handle. For young girls, this unwanted sexual attention can cause anxiety or even fear of the opposite sex.

Young Girls Need to Understand the Difference Between Body Confidence and Sexuality

“Unfortunately, we live in a society that promotes physicality,” says Lisa Leshaw, M.S., a clinical mental health counselor. “And the objectification of young girls can have dire, long-term consequences on their self-esteem, including body anxiety, shame, eating disorders, and other mental health issues, if not addressed.”

But how can we arm our girls to protect their safety and boundaries while ensuring that they feel comfortable in their skin? How do we teach young girls how to deal with unwanted sexual attention from a man? How do we help them understand the difference between confidence and sexual power?

Three Tips to Help Adolescent Girls Feel Empowered

1. Start early.

According to Angelica Shiels, a Maryland-based licensed clinical psychologist, the key is starting early—ideally, much earlier than adolescence. “There is an important skill we need to cultivate in our young girls, which is getting them to feel comfortable making others feel uncomfortable,” says Shiels. “We want our girls to grow up tolerating the inevitable backlash of assertiveness. That means from day one, we should applaud when they speak up or take themselves out of situations that do not feel right.”

It is never too late to help your daughter feel empowered, however, and we have to remember that the most important tool at our disposal is modeling it. As parents, and especially as women and mothers, we can do that by being direct in our communications and having open and honest conversations with our children. It might be not tolerating a mechanic who talks down to a woman or finding positive role models who exhibit strong leadership skills or speak up on complicated issues. The goal is to help our daughters feel confident and build their self-esteem to deal with challenging situations.

2. Praise inside beauty instead of outside beauty.

Leshaw agrees that the conversations about sexual objectification and harassment need to start early and often for both daughters and sons. “It’s important that we explain to our kids the ways of the world—that the media and other outsiders may value physical beauty, but in your home, you value brains and heart. Repeat that message over and over.”

This also involves celebrating accomplishments beyond appearance-related goals. Whether it’s academic success, a personal achievement, or acts of kindness, recognizing these achievements reinforces self-worth.

Remember that the way you talk about your appearance matters as well. Be careful about discussing weight gain, wrinkles, or other negative beauty expectations. Instead, focus on healthy eating and exercise, aging well, and loving yourself for who you are rather than what you look like.

3. Discuss media messages.

Parents also need to pay attention to what their daughter is watching and following on social media. Point out messages that emphasize acquiring attention from males. Left unchecked, these messages can contribute to girls engaging in body-objectifying behavior, including becoming overly concerned with their looks or body comparison, says Leshaw.

Parents need to equip girls with critical thinking skills to challenge negative messages from media, peers, and antiquated societal norms. Help them discern between reality and unrealistic beauty ideals and trends. Talk about photoshopping and filters. Find people to follow together who are empowered and exhibit body confidence, such as professional rugby player Ilona Maher.

5 Ways Girls Can Handle Gross Comments, Catcalls, and Other Unwanted Sexual Attention

A 2021 study by GirlGuiding, the UK’s leading charity for girls and young women, highlights the shocking scale of sexual harassment experienced by girls and young women both in public and at school, and the impact fear of harassment is having on their lives. Some of the disturbing trends include:

Half (51%) of all girls 13 to 18 received unwanted sexual comments directed at them in public, with 33% aged 13 and 14
Three in ten (29%) girls and young women revealed they first experienced sexual harassment when they were just 11 to 13 years old
Fear of sexual harassment has a significant impact on girls’ and young women’s lives, limiting their freedoms and opportunities and negatively impacting their well-being.
The likelihood of experiencing sexual harassment increases with age and is more prevalent for girls of color and girls identifying as LGBQ.

So how can parents help?

1. Take catcalling seriously.

Parents need to start by taking it seriously and understanding that a lewd comment or unwelcome advance can be uncomfortable and downright scary for a young girl. “Do not minimize the experience or write it off as part of life,” says Leshaw. “Parents need to send a clear message that their child’s feelings are valid, the incident was not their fault, and their boundaries deserve respect. Commend them for coming to you, and encourage them to report inappropriate behavior.”

2. Prioritize personal safety no matter how you respond.

We want to empower our daughters to become their own best advocates and then give them practical tools to deal with this type of behavior. The truth is, there is no right or wrong way to respond to harassment because it isn’t the targeted person’s fault, says Shiels. The response is a matter of choice, but parents of adolescent girls should always focus first on personal safety. This may include encouraging your daughter to text you immediately for a ride or to duck into a store until the harasser leaves and she feels safe.

Holly Kerns, founder and executive director of Stop Street Harassment, agrees that girls should respond however they feel most comfortable but cautions that yelling or cursing at the harasser usually isn’t a good idea, as it could escalate into worse behavior from the harasser. Remind your daughter that their safety always comes first.

3. Maintain her confidence.

Some parents may want to downplay their daughter’s looks or physical assets that may draw unwanted attention, but Leshaw discourages this practice. “Let her dress how she feels best. The more confident she feels, the more she can develop self-respect and speak up for herself.” We don’t want young women to feel that other people’s behavior is their responsibility, which can lower their self-esteem and encourages behavior such as people-pleasing.

4. Encourage smart choices.

On the flip side, parents can encourage their daughters to make smart choices in order to stay safe. This includes avoiding alcohol and drugs, remaining in a group when practical, having a plan for transportation, and most importantly, trusting their gut in uncomfortable situations.

The old adage that we need to prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child applies heavily here. We can’t clear the obstacle-filled road of life for our big kids, but we can help prepare them for the journey by exposing them to new experiences and having open and honest communication about what they may encounter. We want our kids to be able to learn how to handle these situations while still under our care instead of putting them in a bubble until they launch into the world.

5. Include males in the conversation.

This might be the most important point. Leshaw advises getting fathers and other male role models involved in discussing appropriate behavior from men; knowing what she is entitled to expect can have a powerful impact on a young girl’s self-esteem. “Don’t demonize or denigrate all men,” she says. “Remember, it’s about empowering our daughters, not putting down an entire gender.”

Hearing from men can provide context and insight into why this is happening. Try to avoid generalities like, “All teen boys are sex-crazed,” or “Men just think with their penis.” Instead, encourage male role models that talk about women in positive, respectful ways. And remember, how a young girl’s dad treats their mom will most likely be the benchmark they use in finding a partner.

Looking for more ways to empower your tween or teen daughter?

We really like this book, Self-Love Workbook for Teen Girls: Simple Tools to Release Self-Doubt, Build Mental Resilience, and Embrace Your Authentic Self. This book dives into self-love and the steps to completely embrace and love yourself. With practical tips, advice, activities, and stories from girls living in the adolescent years, the goal is to help them find and LOVE their authentic self.

Raising teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts may help:

I Hate the Way My Teen Daughter Dresses for School

Five Reasons Why You Should Let Your Teen Struggle

Sometimes I Feel Like the Only Parent of Teenagers Saying No

No One Talked to Me About Dating When I Was a Teen, So I’m Doing Better for My Daughter

How to Talk to Adolescent Girls About Unwanted Sexual Attention

Young Girls Need to Understand the Difference Between Body Confidence and Sexuality