Five Reasons Why You Should Let Your Teen Struggle

“Can someone tell me how to find information about the menus at the dining hall? My teen can’t find it.”

“My teen lost his gym uniform…what should he do?”

“How do we buy Homecoming tickets?”

“My daughter forgot her lunch and hates the cafeteria food. Where can I drop it off?”

If read one by one, they’re not a big deal. Just parents helping their kids out.

But these are common comments we see all the time in parent groups of high school and college students. None of these problems are that major, and all are something that a tween or teen could figure out on their own if just given the chance.

Sometimes, today’s parents are going a step further. They might call up a coach to ask why they aren’t playing their kid more. Or, they might email a teacher to request a grade change. Some parents are even contacting college professors to ask if their kid could miss a day of school for a family vacation (read: 10 Important Things Parents Should Never Do for Their College Freshman)

There is an epidemic of overparenting right now, and we’re robbing our kids of the most valuable part of their life journey: the opportunity to build the important skills to both survive and thrive in this complicated world.

Why do parents feel the need to minimize their kids’ struggles?

Parents are biologically compelled to protect their offspring. Our first instinct is always to shield our children from hardship, danger, and challenges. We want to protect them from pain, disappointment, and failure, sometimes at all costs.

However, allowing our teens to struggle can be one of the most valuable gifts we can give them. So why is it so hard?

That’s a complicated answer. There are many reasons why parents today feel more inclined to fix our teens’ problems.

Anxiety and stress: A recent Surgeon General’s advisory reported that there is a current crisis regarding the mental health of parents. 48% of parents say that most days, their stress is completely overwhelming compared to 26% among other adults. Some parents fix their children’s problems to mitigate additional stress.
Constant negative media: With a 24-hour news cycle, parents are constantly barraged with scary information about the world today. This heightened awareness of dangers such as violence, bullying, drugs, etc. causes many parents to feel the need to protect their kids.
Academic pressures: The complexities and cost of college admissions have completely skewed the high school experience for many students, and some parents feel they must intervene to ensure their child has a shot at a “good” future.
Focus on activities: Many kids want to build a strong “resume” or social capital, so their parents try to get them into as many or the most competitive extracurriculars possible. Because of the cost and time involved, many parents step in to ensure their child succeeds.
Cultural shifts: After the latchkey parenting of the 80s and 90s, many parents desire a more hands-on approach.
Mental health awareness: There is a growing recognition of mental health issues among children and teens. Parents might intervene more to help their children cope with anxiety, depression, and other challenges.
Past trauma: Many parents are dealing with past issues as they relate to their self-esteem and want to live vicariously through their teen or want to ensure their child does not have a similar experience to their own.

5 Benefits for Teens Who Learn How to Get Through a Struggle

1. Building Resilience

According to the American Psychological Association, resilience is not an innate quality but a set of skills that can be learned. By facing difficulties, teens learn how to cope, adapt, and ultimately overcome obstacles. This experience becomes foundational as they transition into adulthood, where challenges will inevitably arise.

Basically, resilience is the ability to bounce back from challenges and setbacks. When I look back at my own teenage years, I know that the struggles I faced shaped who I am today. Because neither of my parents went to college, I had to manage the entire process on my own. Of course, my mom helped proof my college essay and my dad was nice enough to drop my applications off at the post office so they would be postmarked on time, but the lion’s share of the effort came from me.

While it is a different time, that doesn’t mean there are ways we can help adolescents build resilience. It may be letting your child do poorly on a test because they didn’t study and seeing how they respond, encouraging them to set a meeting with a teacher if they are struggling with a class, or allowing some natural consequences if they do not pull their weight with an activity (maybe sitting on the bench because they were late for practice or doing poorly on a test because they didn’t study.) The lessons come from the experience, not from parents doing things for their kids.

2. Encouraging Independence

One of the most significant aspects of adolescence is the journey toward independence. When we let our teens struggle, we provide them with opportunities to make decisions, solve problems, and learn from their mistakes. Encouraging independence through struggle allows teens to develop critical thinking and decision-making skills that are invaluable in adulthood.

Recently my daughter used her own money to purchase a fancy nightstand for her dorm room. I did not think the furniture was worth the price, but she insisted. Unfortunately, I was right and the piece came dented. Her father cobbled it together so at least she would have a place to put her items in the short term.

My first instinct was to step in and help her deal with the situation, but instead I held back. “Let me know what you want to do about it,” I responded.

Lo and behold, she texted and called the company that same day and immediately received a free replacement item. She learned how to deal with a tough situation in a positive way, and it increased her confidence on how to approach these types of situations independently. As a bonus, it made me as a parent feel more confident in her abilities to advocate for herself.

3. Develop Problem-Solving and Conflict Resolution Skills

Struggling can be an excellent way for teens to enhance their problem-solving skills. When faced with challenges, they learn to analyze situations, brainstorm solutions, and evaluate outcomes.

Many of us grow up in families where healthy conflict resolution is non-existent. Either we yell, ignore it, or avoid it at all costs. As parents, we often want to engineer situations for our kids instead of letting them figure it out on their own.

When we step in at every junction, our teens can never learn from their mistakes. For example, if your teen is not getting along with a friend, assume that you do not know the whole story. Don’t try to circumvent your child by going to the friend, their parents, or another adult to mitigate the situation (unless, of course, there is dangerous behavior occurring.)

If your teen is struggling with how to approach a problem, don’t immediately provide the solution or fix it for them. Instead, ask leading questions, like what is your plan? Or, what do you think you should do next? The end goal is to empower your child and let them know you believe they know how to address a problem.

4. Boosting Self-Esteem

Ironically, allowing our teens to struggle can significantly boost their self-esteem. When they encounter difficulties and overcome them, they gain a sense of accomplishment and self-worth.

When my kids were in middle school, I suffered from a debilitating illness that kept me bed-ridden for a few months. It only took a few days for my kids to thrive in the routine of packing their lunches, doing laundry, taking care of the dog, and writing down what they needed to do the next day so their dad knew where to pick them up or who they were carpooling with for an activity.

Prior to that event, I would have said my kids didn’t have the skills to manage all their personal responsibilities, but they immediately rose to the occasion and confidently took over. Bonus: I rarely packed a lunch again!

During the teen years, it’s critical for teens to celebrate their victories, no matter how small. Encouraging them to reflect on the struggle and identify how they overcame it can reinforce their self-esteem and how they view what they can achieve.

5. Preparing for the Real World

Sure, we can postpone the inevitable by doing everything for our kids, but you never know what can happen in this crazy world that is full of challenges. For me, I want my teens to know they are capable of taking care of themselves even if I’m around to help out.

By allowing our teens to struggle now, we prepare them for their future. Life is not always smooth sailing, and learning to navigate difficulties while they are still in a supportive environment can significantly ease their transition into adulthood.

I try to remind myself that my role as a parent is to guide, not to fix. When my teens fail, I ask them what they think they could do differently next time and what they learned. It moves them away from sulking about the situation to resolving the core problem or how to approach it the next time.

For example, when my daughter did not receive a spot in a lab program during her freshman year at college, she identified that she did not prepare enough for the interview, and she did not highlight all of her experiences. The next time an opportunity arose, she went to a career center to practice her interview questions and did more research before her meeting. Sure enough, she got the position and learned something during the process. These lessons will be invaluable when she faces more significant challenges in her career.

Stay available during this time.

Letting our teens struggle is not about abandoning them or allowing them to fail; it’s about providing them with the tools they need to succeed throughout their life so they can become confident and capable adults.

When we let our kids skip the struggle, they miss out on the most valuable part of the journey because it’s where character, resilience, and confidence are developed. Helping our teens embrace the struggle may be the best parenting decision for their futures.

Looking for a book that will help you feel less alone during these challenging years of raising teens?

We recommend You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either by Whitney Fleming. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship.