Inside: As if parenting teens is not hard enough, one day you have to start preparing your teen daughter for dating. Here are some great tips from an expert.
Part of you may wish your teen daughter wouldn’t start dating until she’s 40.
Considering the world we live in and recent events, I don’t blame you one bit.
But you know it’s going to happen, maybe soon…and you know it’s a normal part of teen development.
In fact, crushes, dating, and even falling in love are some of the most fun parts of being a teenager.
Understanding how to have healthy relationships is an important life skill
As parents, we want our teens to have fun in the dating process, but more importantly, you want to make sure your daughter’s experiences with dating will be healthy and safe?
A lot of what she “knows” about romantic relationships probably isn’t true, or isn’t the kind of dating situation you’d want for her.
What teens learn from movies, songs, and TV can be crude, misogynistic, and/or hypersexualized. It’s just not a useful reflection of dating in the real world.
As her parent, your main jobs are to offset misleading information she’s learned about dating from other sources and to help her be true to herself.
Five Dating Guidelines for Teen Girls
There’s no script for having these conversations with our teen daughters. However, there are some topics that are essential to discuss with her. Here are some themes you want to make sure you talk about with your teen daughter when she starts dating.
Each person she dates will be extremely different
Movies and social media may cause your daughter to be so lost in the world of stereotypical thinking that she hasn’t really noticed how different people can be.
Whether she dates athletes, academics, or artsy-types, she should look for characteristics that appeal and align with her values.
You should encourage her to assess how someone she is dating treats their family, friends, and even a stranger on the street. Do they honor their commitments and try to earn her trust? Does she feel pressured when she is with them, or comfortable to be herself? Do they share similar interests or does that person encourage her to try new things?
Make sure she understands that solid relationships are much more than the butterflies she may feel in her stomach or even the sexual feelings she may not yet understand. Trust is earned, and it’s okay to take things slow. Some people will try to take advantage of her, so it’s okay to keep her guard up for awhile.
On the flip side, remind her that the people she dates have feelings, too. While one ex-partner may have been insensitive, that doesn’t mean the next person she dates is tough, no matter their exterior.
If she turns someone down for a date, she should do it kindly. Just as she wouldn’t want to be teased cruelly, she shouldn’t say hurtful things. People may not show their hurt, but they feel it.
Social Pressures and Risks
Some teens, especially girls who are or want to be “popular,” may date certain people to look cooler. This can work—but it can also backfire or otherwise come with a high price. Some teens “collect” sexual conquests to gain status and may push them to do more physiclly than they want.
Girls who agree to sexual activities may be labeled a slut or have the details shared around school. Girls who say No may be labeled “uptight” or “frigid.” This can happen to anyone, but is more likely to girls who date teenagers who are more open about their sexual experiences.
Ask your daughter if she’s seen this at school. To prepare your daughter for dating, make sure they understand that privacy is hard to maintain in high school, and that social pressures do come into play.
Sexting has similar risks. It’s dangerous enough to send a sexy selfie to someone she trusts (because someone else may get hold of his phone or he may not be so trustworthy after the relationship ends). It’s far riskier to sext someone she doesn’t know well and is trying to impress. Her intimate photo may become a trophy he shows off to other guys.
And if your daughter is not one of the cool kids and worries she’s doomed, reassure her. Popular kids may start dating first, but everyone gets there eventually; it’ll happen for her, too.
Sex and Dating Aren’t Synonyms
It may seem to your daughter that everyone who’s dating is also having sex.
People may talk as if that’s true…but it often isn’t. My research with young adults shows that many of them wait until late high school or college-age to become sexually active. If she decides to wait, there’s nothing wrong with her.
Make sure she knows that physical contact in all its forms—from kissing to intercourse—is supposed to feel good to her, too. It may be awkward to talk about female pleasure. But if she doesn’t know about it, she’s vulnerable to situations where she thinks her feelings are irrelevant. It’s a good bet that’s not what you want for her.
Explain the concept of consent to her and reassure her she can say No to any sexual activity without ruining the relationship. She can be polite but firm: “I really like you, but I’m not ready for that.” “That’s as far as I want to go tonight.” “Let’s just keep doing what we were doing before; it feels really good.” Most people will respect her No (and anyone who won’t isn’t worth being with).
Encourage her to keep her friendships
Being in a new relationship can be so exciting it practically takes over her life.
Understandably, her new love interest will take lots of her emotional energy—but they shouldn’t take all of it.
It’s very important that girls continue doing all the things they’ve enjoyed, including spending time with friends.
If a partner demands too much of her time or acts jealous when she’s not available, that’s a very bad sign. The relationship might be becoming abusive. In a healthy relationship, partners encourage each other to have all sorts of people and activities in their lives.
Being True to Who She Is
A major developmental task of adolescence is developing a sense of self. What does she like and dislike? What is she good at? What kind of friends does she want to have? What kind of person does she want to be?
Dating can help her learn about herself in all those ways. Being in relationships gives new experiences. She’ll bump up against things she doesn’t like, and learn more about what she does like.
Parents can help by encouraging her to be true to who she is, in dating and in general. She should be respectful of others, but that’s the only requirement. If her partner makes her feel small or “not good enough,” that’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
And remember, the best way to prepare your teen daughter for dating is to model healthy relationships whenever possible.
Encourage her to think about what’s right for her in any situation. What does her gut tell her? What makes her feel whole, happy, and energized? That’s what she should be looking for, in dating and in life.
This post was contributed by Jill Whitney, LMFT. She is the mom of two twenty-somethings and a licensed marriage and family therapist in Connecticut. In addition to her clinical work, she conducts workshops on talking about sexuality, writes at KeepTheTalkGoing.com, and has been quoted in dozens of articles on relationships and sexuality. She’s passionate about improving communication about sexuality, especially between parents and kids.
Dating is such a tough subject when it comes to parenting teens and tweens. Need a little more support?
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