*The following post is written by Karen Johnson, author of What Do I Want to Be When They Grow Up? (And Other Thoughts From a 40-Something Mom).
We’ve all heard of maternity leave. And fathers are taking paternity leave more than ever before. But have you heard that parents of teens are taking career breaks now? Have you considered this yourself? Because, as it turns out, taking a “teen-ternity” is becoming more and more common, for parents know that there’s no time our kids need us more than during their teen years.
As a mom of two teens and a tween, I am amazed at how parents manage when all of the adults in their children’s lives work full-time out of the house. In our world, I hit the ground running (read: hit the pavement driving… in my minivan) at 4:30-5:00 p.m. most days, but sometimes it’s as early as 3:00, depending on which kid needs to be where. Tuesdays are our busiest day right now, with all three kids having to be somewhere between 5:00-6:00. That means I have to drop the oldest one off a half-hour early so I can get the middle one to her activity on time. Then the youngest goes, and I have a short break before pickups begin later that evening.
My husband’s office is about 30 minutes away and he almost never leaves before 5:30, so anywhere the kids have to be before 6:00—that falls on me. And it works, thankfully, because I work part-time, my “workplace” is my kitchen, and have a flexible schedule.
How parents do it all if they don’t have someone with the flexibility to be on standby, always available from 3:00 on? I have no idea.
Even with one kid doing one activity, it is still a lot of driving and coordinating.
Why Teens Need Us Now, More than Ever
And it’s not just driving them to and from practices, rehearsals, lessons, and games. Teenagers have homework stress—“Can you quiz me on vocab? Can you help me with this algebra equation? Can you proofread my essay?” And endless needs—“Can you get me a poster board for a school project? And Sharpies?! I need to wash my uniform! My teacher asked for parent volunteers to supply snacks for tonight. Can you help?” And then there’s the friendship drama and relationship drama and social media drama—who said what about whom, who got their heart broken, and who has been left out of the friend group.
Basically, as a parent, you just need to be available for your teen—whether that simply means a ride to and from practice with a snack in the car or a heartfelt talk late at night about a mean girl friendship.
Now that I’m living it in real time, I can attest first-hand to just how much our kids need us during these tumultuous years of transitions when they are not yet big and on their own, but no longer little and needing childcare all day. These are the years when they are trying to figure out which path to take in life, still trying to hold on to the last of their youth and have fun, while feeling all the unbearable weight of impending adulthood as it presses down on their shoulders.
It’s during these arduous years that parents are tasked with what The Guardian calls “the full teen-parenting shopping list of doom.” You know the list: “Get them ‘launched’; pray they don’t drop out; pray harder they’re safe (disorders, drugs, mental health, anything); keep them physically and emotionally well; perhaps give unplanned pregnancy a swerve…”
It’s a lot. With teen mental health declining, it makes sense that many parents are trying to adjust their time spent away from home, but it’s hard to manage that endless (and terrifying) list while maintaining a career.
Related: It’s Not “Just Pot” — Why We Need to Be Concerned About Today’s Marijuana
The “Teen-ternity” Falls on Moms—Of Course
Obviously, however, not every family will find a “teen-ternity” feasible. In many households, the bills won’t get paid, and groceries won’t appear in the fridge unless everyone who can work full-time does. And it’s not just a paycheck—lots of parents out there rely on their jobs for healthcare and a retirement account, so taking a step back simply cannot happen.
But families who can make it work are doing it, in increasing numbers. Unfortunately (and not surprisingly) though, this parental leave in part stems from a place of guilt, and it seems to be falling on moms, not dads, to walk away from the workforce to become work-at-home or stay-at-home moms.
The guilt part is a direct result of society having zero tolerance for troublesome teens. “There’s a huge social stigma attached to out of control or struggling teenagers,” explains The Guardian. “So, talk all day and night about colic or potty training. But your teenager’s vile mouth, terrifying food disorder, or escalating weed habit?” Yeah, those don’t fly like your cute toddler stories did 10-15 years ago, Mom.
And yes, society is looking at you, Mom, because despite the year somehow being 2024 (a year none of us could have fathomed as 80s kids), most of the responsibility (and blame) still falls on Mom when her kids—of any age, really—aren’t behaving like quiet little church mice. So yes, it seems that as parents of teens are taking career breaks more and more, the parent who does so is the mother.
Lots of moms, however, are happy to walk away from their traditional work life and find a a way to be more available for their teens and tweens. In a Parents article, a New Jersey mom named Heidi explains how she stepped away from her job as a teaching assistant to take on accounting work from home. “I feel it is very important to be there for my kids as they grow in these years,” she tells Parents. “I am able to take them to activities, be there when they need me emotionally, and [be] present while working from home.”
Related: Snapchat—Why Kids Love It And What Parents Need to Know
The Magic of the Car Rides
We’re all finding out a system that works (or at least keeps the ball rolling) through these exhausting years that seem to be flying by. For me, it’s the car rides. I might live in my minivan, driving all my kids to 900 activities, but it’s during those 15-minute trips where I get a glimpse into their lives, a quick story of something funny that happened that day, or even an opportunity to be a listening hear for a struggle they are having.
My whole life as a mom has been one long “-ternity” leave of sorts, as I never went back to my career after my first child was born. Do I always love it? No. Do I sometimes wish I still had a flourishing career to justify the two degrees I have framed in my basement? Absolutely. But I don’t have much time to worry about it because it’s almost 3:00 and I have to be the front of carline today to get my son to his game on time.
Such is the life of a mom of teens.
Are you in the throes of raising teens while also figuring out what you’re going to do next once they’ve flown the coop?
Then you should definitely pre-order Karen Johnson’s new book What Do I Want to Be When They Grow Up?: (And Other Thoughts From a 40-something Mom). This book draws upon stories and experiences from Johnson and mothers around her, helping readers seek out new passions, including new career paths, to avoid feeling as if they are solely defined by motherhood.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. Here are some posts parents have found helpful:
This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers
50+ Awesome and Inspirational Quotes for Teenagers
The Best Netflix Shows for Tweens and Teens Families Can Enjoy Together
10 Common Problems Middle School Girls Face (And How Parents Can Help)
*This post may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission for purchases made from our site.
I want every parent to be able to do this! Finances are tough. But what strikes me even more is why are families running all over the place for all these activities? Is it to keep up with the joneses? So much pressure on kids these days to perform and perform well, but they need parents to guide them regarding what is this race for? If a kid is obsessed with an activity and would be unhappy if they weren’t doing it(not unhappy because they’d be worried about their college apps or that other kids are doing things, but because they are truly fulfilled by it), go ahead and jam it in the schedule, but otherwise, kids will be better off coming home, doing homework at a normal pace, dinner with a parent, etc. Parents have created this high stakes situation for kids and it’s time for parents to be the grown-ups and say we don’t have to do what everyone else is doing.