*The following post is written by Karen Johnson, author of What Do I Want to Be When They Grow Up? (And Other Thoughts From a 40-Something Mom).
Hot take! And I know I’ll get a lot of “I’ll text my kids whenever I damn well please, thank you very much” responses. Listen, I get it. Parenting big kids is an overwhelming ball of a thousand moving parts floating around in the air all day. I have complete and utter empathy for parents of babies, parents of toddlers, and yes, parents of teens (who have cellphones) because I am one—living it in real time.
But I was also once a teacher—of teenagers. Prior to becoming a mom, I taught high school English in Massachusetts, Nebraska, and Wisconsin. And that experience has led me to a greater understanding of the challenges teachers face and is the reason I am always so quick to stand up for them.
Texting and Teaching—Not a Good Combo
Today’s teachers are facing more obstacles than ever. Budgets are constantly slashed, politically motivated school boards are dividing communities with teachers being the first to feel the fallout, and their students have grown up through a pandemic that shut down their world during their formative years.
But teachers today also face another challenge I didn’t have 15-20 years ago. The culprit? Teenage cellphone usage.
For many teachers, every single day is a grueling up-hill battle to get 20-30 teens to focus, participate, read, write, and show respect to everyone else in the classroom. And when they ask for our help, we should listen in order to improve our children’s classroom learning experience. One such plea many teachers are making is that parents stop texting their teens during the school day.
Even if phones aren’t technically allowed in class, having kids hear a ding or buzz immediately takes their focus away from the lesson and onto wondering who has contacted them and how they can peek at their phone. “When the phone vibrates in their pocket, now their focus is on their pocket. And they’re wondering, ‘How do I get it out to the table? How do I check it?'” said Randy Freiman, a high school chemistry teacher in upstate New York. “You ask them a question and they haven’t heard a word you’ve said. Their brain is elsewhere.”
Don’t Be the Reason Your Kid is Distracted in Class
What’s frustrating for so many teachers trying to do their jobs is that quite often the person responsible for distracting that kid is Mom or Dad.
Unless it’s something you’d call the school’s front office and interrupt class for (imagine your kid doesn’t have a phone or forgot theirs at home), the text probably can wait.
“Think of it this way: If you came to the school and said, ‘Can you pull my child out of calculus so I can tell them something not important?’ we would say no,” central Virginia school counselor Erin Rettig says in an article on NBC New York.
Texting Interrupts Your Child’s Learning and Growth
Also, what parents need to understand is that we’re not just disrupting the class when we text our 16-year-old that her Amazon delivery arrived or when we text our high school sophomore to ask if he got his math test back yet. We’re doing potential harm to our own children’s development and wellbeing.
Erin Rettig also goes on to explain that constant buzzes of phones during school hours can exacerbate common issues like test anxiety. And, she says, parents are stunting their teenagers’ development and impeding their independence by bugging them about grades and other school-related matters. Rather than teaching our kids that they are empowered to face challenges and figure things out on their own, we’re allowing them to constantly ask Mom and Dad to intervene, which impedes their overall growth.
Related: Loving Our Teens Means Letting Go Of Our Own Fears and Control Issues
It’s Time to Cut the Digital Umbilical Cord
The NBC New York article also adds that part of the problem comes from parents having constant access to their kids during the Covid-19 pandemic when they were home, doing online school. But they’re back in the building now, and as high school teacher Joe Clement says, “We call it the digital umbilical cord. Parents can’t let go. And they need to.”
I know, I know. We want our kids to be safe. We want them to be able to get a hold of us in case of emergency. We want to be able to get a hold of them in case of emergency. I’m right there with you. My oldest is a high school freshman, and my fears of hearing that his school is on lockdown due to an active shooter keep me up at night. Imagining him not being able to contact me? Unbearable.
But that doesn’t mean I need to text him during 3rd hour Economics to ask what grade he got on his latest essay or to ask him if he wants chicken or hamburgers for dinner tonight.
Hey Kids, School Is Your Job Right Now
In our house, we tell our kids that school is their job. It needs to be top priority and to be taken seriously. And to their credit, my teens do take it seriously. They work hard, study, get their homework done, and seem to be making the most out of their educational experience.
That’s why I need to minimize any interruption to their focus or concentration. Kids today already have constant stimuli coming at them—mentally and physically. Test tomorrow! Essay due next week! Tennis practice after school! Get your volunteer hours in! This boy likes you! No he doesn’t! Did you see what those girls said about you on Snapchat?!
They don’t need me interrupting their English class when they’re learning about character development in To Kill a Mockingbird with a text message to tell them that the shorts they ordered on Amazon just arrived.
That’s not helpful to their development, learning, or overall educational experience.
Related: Why Parents Should Worry About Their Teens Sleeping with Smartphones
Raising Independent Teens is Part of the Job
Also, it’s our responsibility during the high school years to strengthen our kids’ wings so they can get ready to fly soon. Bugging them throughout the day about grades or other responsibilities that are theirs and theirs alone doesn’t help them learn to fly.
Is it easy? No. I have contacted my high schooler during the day a few times so far this school year—but I try to email instead so I don’t interrupt class. Usually it’s because there’s a change in the after school plan (“Please take the bus”) or a response to something he sent about a field trip form, for example. Or, if I do text, I make sure it’s important enough to interrupt his day and I wait until I know he’s in study hall to ensure I’m not disrupting a classroom environment.
A Commitment to Stop Texting Works Both Ways
Also, if you as a parent want to make this change and stop texting during the school day, that means not responding when your kid texts you either. Part of growing up means letting teens handle their own decisions, problem-solve, and use their own self-calming techniques when they are stressed about a test or social interaction while at school.
Also, when you see non-emergency texts like, “Can I go to Tyler’s house this weekend?” or “I forgot to bring shorts for practice. Can you bring me some?” consider not responding to send a reminder that you’re trying to foster your child’s independence and growth as a teen / soon-to-be-adult. Setting the precedent that you won’t text back and forth while they’re at school instills the message of where their focus and priority should be during those hours.
Remember, we all survived high school without being able to contact our parents at 2 p.m. asking for gym shorts. And we’re probably better for it.
The truth is, teachers face enough challenges and don’t need us adding to them. And teens need to learn to navigate life without texting Mom and Dad sometimes. Plus, they are already inundated with stimuli all day, and they don’t need unnecessary texts from us exacerbating their stress and anxiety.
It might be hard, but cutting the digital cord might be exactly what teens and parents need.
Are you in the throes of raising teens while also figuring out what you’re going to do next once they’ve flown the coop?
Then you should definitely pre-order Karen Johnson’s new book What Do I Want to Be When They Grow Up?: (And Other Thoughts From a 40-something Mom). This book draws upon stories and experiences from Johnson and mothers around her, helping readers seek out new passions, including new career paths, to avoid feeling as if they are solely defined by motherhood.
Parenting teens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
10 Commons Battles that Will Destroy the Relationship with Your Teen
50+ Awesome and Inspirational Quotes for Teenagers
House Rules to Teach Teens to Be Safe and Respectful
Four Ways Parents Can Help Their Teens Have A Positive High School Experience
*This post may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission for purchases made from our site.
kibv2p
nwt4f0