Inside: Why boys need to feel their emotions, not repress them
My teenage son stayed home from school today. Again. Granted, he was not feeling great, but I think it was more due to sheer exhaustion and the need for “a day”… to which this busy single working mother can fully relate.
When I came home from work, I found him fast asleep on the sofa. No laptop, no phone, no YouTube. He must really be worn out! I thought to myself. I gently nudged him. “Hey bud, you wanna go get some food?” I softly asked. He slowly roused from deep daytime slumber and said yes.
We went to a cafe not far from home. We had a nice late afternoon lunch. He talked about the end of the school year: how he is ready for summer, but not ready to say goodbye to his classmates, friends, and beloved sports teams for three months.
On the way home, I could tell my son was troubled. “What’s on your mind, kid?” I carefully asked. He started to speak, then clammed up. I tried not to push. But, of course, I couldn’t help myself. I pushed anyway. Then he said something that struck like an arrow to this mama bear’s heart.
He said he doesn’t like feeling emotions
Feeling an inclination this had something to do with the pretty young lady that has caught his eye in recent weeks, I asked where that statement came from. He wavered back and forth between talking to me and keeping his feelings deeply hidden, as he must think is “normal” for young men his age.
Finally, he said, “Mom, I broke up with her. But it still feels bad. And I don’t want to feel bad! I hate emotions.”
And there it was. The deeply embedded reason he has been so moody this week (other than growing at exponential speed, hormones raging, and maneuvering the transition between carefree young boy and responsible young man). He was dealing with his first teen heartbreak.
And it broke this mother’s heart.
Related: My Pre-Teen Son Is the One With All the Powerful Emotions
Denying emotions only prolongs the pain
No mother wants their child to suffer. I also know, from years, decades, and countless painful experiences, that denying those emotions will absolutely not make them vanish. Emotions are funny things. They are not always fun to feel. But when repressed, they still find ways to surface, and quite often, in ugly, damaging, even more hurtful, prolonged and torturous ways.
I told my son that what he felt was completely normal. It doesn’t matter who is the dumper or the dumpee. When a relationship does not work out, no matter how new it is, it hurts. I gave the best shot of advice I could possibly muster on that fateful car ride home.
“You know, when you allow yourself to feel those uncomfortable emotions, it takes away their power. It defuses the discomfort. It releases the pain. It allows you to feel better and begin to heal that annoying ache in your heart. Please don’t ever repress your emotions. Speaking from personal experience, doing so will only make matters worse. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to feel. What is not okay is ignoring that pain, because the only way to get past it, is to walk through it.”
I am not sure how much of my little car sermon stuck with my oldest son. But it is one I plan to give repeatedly for the foreseeable future. With girls, they tend to be more comfortable expressing emotion. Boys, however, fight it at every turn. And it makes my heart hurt, because I know that will delay the healing that I so desperately desire for my sweet baby boy turned handsome young man.
Teaching our boys to be like buffalo
I recently learned that buffalo, as a species, turn toward a storm; they walk right through the winds, rain, lightning, and thunder. Cows, their distant and less courageous relatives, try to avoid the storm by outrunning it. Only this does the opposite. It prolongs their time in the storm, increasing their discomfort and suffering. The bountiful buffalo, however, face the eye of the storm, walk through the upheaval, and decrease the inevitable season of suffering. As a result, they’re able to walk into the peace and tranquility of a welcomed and joyful “after the storm” season.
I did not share my little Native American parable with my son. Perhaps I will at some point. For now, I will continue to remind him that it is okay to feel—even the hard feelings. Especially the hard feelings. And I hope and pray that beautiful young soul I love with every fiber of my being will always know that his mama is a safe place in which to share those tough emotions. My mom did it for me (she still does).
Related: Staying Available to Your Teenager Is the Best Way to Support Them
I hope my son feels a level of comfort, whether with me, his father, a future girlfriend or wife, or a trusted confidante, to pour out the deep stuff and open up. Because assuredly, in this tough life, you cannot truly accept the highest highs without first traversing the lowest lows. It is a roller coaster ride, this life, and he is just beginning to experience the less desirable parts. The older I get, and the more I experience, the less fearful I am to hide from the hurt. I try, instead, to make it my temporary friend. My spiritual guide. My shining arrow of truth that inevitably propels me through any adversity and lands me in a grateful, joyful, exciting new season. And that is a lesson I truly hope both of my sons will learn, sooner rather than later.
Are you looking for more resources as you navigate this emotional stage of parenting?
We recommend The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents by Lisa Damour.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
Teen Boys Need These 9 Simple Things to Get Through These Tough Years
Raising Teen Boys Takes Loads of Patience, Grace, and an Open Heart
10 Commons Battles that Will Destroy the Relationship with Your Teen
50+ Awesome and Inspirational Quotes for Teenagers
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