Inside: Helping your teen develop a healthy relationship with technology is so important, yet many of us are not modeling that for our pre-teens and teens. Technoference is getting in the way of our connection.
This is a contributed post by Susan Caso, author of The Parent-Teen Connection: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships
Has this ever happened in your house?
“Dad…can you help me figure out something for my homework?”
Dad barely looks up from his phone, and mumbles, “Um, yeah, sure, one sec….”
The son waits at kitchen table, homework in hand, and he starts scrolling his phone. Minutes pass. Dad finishes an email, checks a notification, glances at his phone, and finally looks up. “Sorry, I’m–”
“Never mind,” the son says, walking away, a mix of frustration and disappointment in his voice. The project, and more importantly, the connection, went unanswered.
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What Is Technoference
It’s in these everyday moments—the requests for help, the questions, the little victories they want to share—that adolescents are seeking something far more important than answers. They are asking for our presence, our attention, and the reassurance that they matter above all else.
As a family therapist, whenever I meet with parents, I often ask about their own technology use—not their child’s. This question surprises many. We are quick to monitor kids’ screen time but rarely reflect on our own habits. And yet, it’s our device use that often shapes the home environment more than anything we say.
Related: 10 Sure-Fire Tricks That Will Make Your Teen Stop Checking Their Phone
This is the essence of technoference: technology interference that disrupts the connection between parent and child. It’s when a teen is sharing something important, and we glance at a notification. It’s when we scroll while they wait for guidance. It’s when a buzzing phone interrupts homework, dinner, or weekend conversation.
Even small, repeated moments of distraction send kids (and other adults) powerful messages: “I’m not as important as that screen. ”Over time, those messages quietly shape how they view themselves, their confidence, and their relationships.
Teens Learn About Connection From Us
Children of all ages, but particularly teenagers, watch what we do way more than listen to our words. We might tell them to put phones away at the table or limit screen time, but when they see us scrolling while lecturing, they notice.
Teens especially feel the sting of this inconsistency. In fact, research shows that 60% of parents report being on their phones more than their children are. When teens see us prioritizing a device over them, they internalize the message: “I’m not as interesting. I’m not as important.”
Through everyday moments of presence, our children absorb the most important lessons of human connection. They discover what it feels like to be truly listened to and valued, how to share themselves and be received with care, and how to navigate disagreements and differences without fear. They practice empathy, stepping into another person’s perspective, and learn to hold eye contact, read nonverbal cues, and express their feelings clearly. They also begin to respond thoughtfully to someone else’s needs.
Related: Keeping a Strong Connection Makes the Difference in the Teen Years
These moments, though ordinary, are the building blocks of every relationship they will have—friendships, romantic relationships, and even their own future parenting. Every time we are present, our kids learn what love looks like, what safety feels like, and what it means to be truly connected.
When technology interrupts too often, those lessons are lost. Teens aren’t just irritated—they are missing opportunities to practice the skills that will shape their emotional and relational lives for decades to come.
Teen-Specific Moments That Matter
There are some specific moments for teens that are critical to their self-esteem and emotional development. It’s often the little opportunities that count, such as:
• When a teen struggles with a challenging project, sit beside them or near, offering encouragement or support. Stay available without technology.
• Listening as they talk about an incident with a friend, asking thoughtful questions instead without your phone or laptop open.
• Sitting in the car together after a long day, sharing the space—laughing, singing along to music, or telling stories. If they are driving, do not scroll on your phone.
• When they want to share about their passions, no matter how mundan
e or uninteresting they may seem to you, listen and respond with enthusiasm and genuine curiosity.
Each of these moments communicates: “I see you. I hear you. You matter.” These small investments of attention shape how teens relate to others, process emotions, develop empathy, and express love in return.
What Teens Tell Me About Technoference
I hear teenagers say things like:
• “I stopped telling her things because she wasn’t really listening.”
• “He tells me to put my phone away, but he’s always on his.”
• “Sometimes I just give up trying to get their attention.”
Teenagers don’t crave perfection—they crave presence. They need our eyes, our ears, our hearts focused on them. That is what builds trust, security, and connection.
How Parents Can Reclaim Presence
Connection doesn’t require hours—it requires attention, intention, and small, consistent shifts. It is never too late to change how you connect with your teen. Here’s how to start:
- Notice Your Habits: Become aware of when and why you reach for your device. Awareness is the first step toward change.
- Create Sacred Spaces: Establish tech-free zones—family meals, homework sessions, or weekend walks. These moments become safe havens for connection.
- Model What You Expect: If you want your teen to limit screen time, show them what it looks like. Say: “I’m putting my phone away so I can focus on you.” Actions speak louder than words.
- Respond to Bids for Connection: When your teen says, “Dad…” or “Mom…” pause, look up, and respond. Even a few seconds of full attention tells them they are valued.
- Be Transparent: Sometimes a call or message can’t wait. Explain it: “I need two minutes to handle this, then I’m all yours.” Clarity softens the impact of distraction.
Managing Tech Use Instead of Banning It
It’s tempting to see teens’ screen use as the problem, but the real solution begins with us. Every time we put down our devices and look up, we tell our children: “You are my priority. You are worth my full attention.”
Technoference isn’t about banning technology—it’s about remembering that what they need most isn’t our perfection, it’s our presence. Every “Dad…” or “Mom…” is a moment to let them know that they are seen, heard, and valued.
When we choose to be present, we are giving them something far greater than a lecture or a rule. We are providing them with the foundation to become confident, empathetic, and connected adults. And one day, they will carry that gift forward—into friendships, relationships, and even the way they raise their children.
Being fully present is a quiet act of love, but its impact lasts a lifetime.
This is a contributed post by Susan Caso, author of The Parent-Teen Connection: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts can help:
How to Help Your Teen Flip the Script on Stress
How Can Parents Better Connect with Teen Sons
Dear Daughter: This Is How We’ll Get Through These Years
Dear Parents: Your Teens Want You Around But Don’t Know How to Ask
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