The following is a contributed post from Kim Muench, Real Life Parent Guide and author of Lost in Place: How to Support, Motivate, and Launch an Adult Child, available for preorder now.
Some of the most loving things we do for our teenagers are also the very things that can quietly keep them dependent on us.
We wake them up when they sleep through the alarm. Bring the forgotten assignment to school. Remind them three times about the application deadline. Email the teacher when their grade drops. Schedule the appointment they keep putting off. Transfer a little money when they overspend.
None of this looks unreasonable.
In fact, much of it looks like good parenting.
And sometimes it is.
But as our children move through the teen years, our job begins to change. The question is no longer simply, “How can I help?”
A better question becomes: Is the help I’m giving making my teenager more capable, or making it easier for them to remain dependent on me?
That distinction can be surprisingly difficult to see when you’re standing right in the middle of everyday family life.
When “It’s Easier If I Do It” Becomes the Problem
I hear parents say this all the time:
“It’s just easier if I do it myself.”
Of course it is.
It takes thirty seconds to send the email yourself and twenty minutes to convince your teenager to send it.
You can make the appointment in one phone call instead of spending three days reminding them.
You can move the wet clothes into the dryer rather than discovering them there the next morning smelling like mildew.
But efficiency isn’t always the goal of parenting teenagers. Sometimes the goal is allowing them to become mildly inconvenienced.
Frustrated.
Embarrassed.
Disappointed.
Even uncomfortable enough that they decide they want to do something differently next time.
That experience is part of growing up.
You may also like to read: Independence is One of the Greatest Gifts We Can Give Our Kids During the Adolescent Years
Have You Become Their External Executive Functioning System?
One of the easiest ways parents unintentionally create dependence is by keeping track of everything for their teenager.
We remember what they need to remember. We track what they need to track. We remind them where they need to be. We anticipate what might go wrong and jump in before it happens.
We know when the assignment is due, when the driver’s test needs to be scheduled, when the work uniform needs washing and when there isn’t enough gas in the car.
At first, this can feel supportive.
Over time, though, the teenager may begin operating with an unspoken assumption: Someone else is keeping track of my life.
Then parents become understandably frustrated when their teenager doesn’t seem to take ownership.
The tricky part is that we may be asking them to become responsible while still holding much of the responsibility ourselves. This doesn’t mean eliminating support overnight. It means beginning to notice where you may be doing for your teenager what they are capable of learning to do for themselves.
Rescuing Them from the Problem
Another common trap is protecting teenagers from the natural consequences of their choices.
Your daughter waits until Sunday night to tell you she needs supplies for a project due Monday morning, so you drive across town looking for them.
Your son spends all of his money and then wants another $40 so he can go out with friends.
Your teenager repeatedly oversleeps, so you become the backup alarm because you don’t want them to be late for school or lose their job.
Every one of those rescues makes sense when looked at individually. That’s what makes this pattern so easy to fall into.
Eventually, though, we need to ask ourselves: Am I helping my child solve this problem, or am I making sure they never really have to experience the problem?
There’s a difference.
If your teenager spends all of their money and misses Saturday night with friends, they may think differently the next time they get paid.
If they have to explain to a teacher why the assignment isn’t finished, they get practice navigating an uncomfortable conversation.
If they oversleep and have to call their manager, they experience the connection between their choices and what happens next.
These experiences teach something our lectures usually cannot.
You may also like to read: Three Simple Tasks You Should Transition to Your Teens Today
Sometimes We’re Rescuing Them from Their Feelings, Too
There’s another kind of helping that doesn’t involve forgotten homework or dirty laundry. It happens when our teenager is disappointed, anxious, angry, embarrassed or overwhelmed and every instinct in us says: Fix it.
So, we offer advice before they ask for it. We suggest six possible solutions. We reassure them that everything is going to be okay. We contact someone. We begin working harder on their problem than they are.
Sometimes teenagers absolutely need our help. But sometimes they need something much harder for parents to give: The opportunity to be uncomfortable while we stay nearby.
Being able to tolerate our teen’s discomfort is an important part of raising a capable adult.
Discomfort has a job. It can motivate us to apologize to the friend. Send the email. Study differently next time. Leave earlier. Manage our money better. Ask for help. Find another solution.
When we repeatedly remove the discomfort, we may also remove some of the motivation that would have helped our teenager move.
Give Them the Microphone Back
Parents can also unintentionally keep teenagers dependent by speaking for them.
The doctor asks a question, and we answer. The waiter asks what they want, and we tell him.
A teacher needs clarification, so we compose the email.
They need to talk to a coach, schedule a haircut, explain something to a boss or ask a question at school, and somehow we become their communications department.
At some point, we have to start giving the microphone back, but that doesn’t mean tossing a nervous teenager into every uncomfortable situation alone.
You can help them practice the phone call. You can sit beside them while they write the email.
You can help them figure out what they want to say. You can ask, “Would you like some help thinking through how you want to handle this?”
What you don’t always have to do is handle it for them.
There’s a Difference Between Scaffolding and Carrying
This is where parents sometimes worry that stepping back means withdrawing support.
It doesn’t.
There’s an important difference between scaffolding and carrying.
Scaffolding says: I’m right here while you learn how to do this.
Carrying says: Give it to me. I’ll take care of it.
Healthy parenting gradually removes the scaffolding as our kids become more capable.
Not according to an arbitrary age.
Not all at once.
And not without taking the individual child into account.
A teenager with ADHD, anxiety, depression, autism, a learning difference or another challenge may need more structure, repetition, coaching or support than another teenager their age.
Independence should not be built around comparison. The question isn’t, “Why can’t my child do what everyone else their age is doing?”
The question is: What is my teenager actually capable of doing now, perhaps imperfectly, that I am still doing for them?
That’s a much more useful place to start.
Start With One Thing
You don’t have to overhaul your parenting this week. Choose one responsibility you believe your teenager can begin owning.
Maybe you:
- Stop being their morning wake-up system.
- Hand responsibility for laundry over to them.
- Let them schedule their own haircut or appointment.
- Have them communicate directly with the teacher or coach.
- Stop replacing money they spent impulsively.
- Ask, “Do you want help thinking this through?” before offering solutions.
Then allow them to do it imperfectly. They may forget. They may procrastinate. They may get annoyed with you.
They may insist that you could make the whole situation easier if you would just do what you have always done.
They’re probably right.
You could make it easier.
But parenting teenagers isn’t only about making today run smoothly.
We are also preparing them for the day when we won’t be standing beside them reminding, organizing, negotiating, fixing and rescuing.
Our role begins to shift. Less manager. More guide.
Less problem-solver. More sounding board.
Less “I’ll take care of it.” More “I believe you can figure out what comes next.”
We don’t have to stop helping our teenagers. We do need to become more thoughtful about what kind of help we offer.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is give them enough room to discover that they can handle more of their own life than either of us realized.
For additional tips and resources on raising teens into adulthood, check out Kim Muench’s book Lost in Place: How to Support, Motivate, and Launch an Adult Child.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
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