Independence is One of the Greatest Gifts We Can Give Our Kids During the Adolescent Years

“Would you let your 12-14 year old go into a store by themselves? I wouldn’t!”

“A 12-year-old shouldn’t be riding their bike by themselves to the library! That’s not safe and how will the parent monitor what they are reading?”

“Yes, we walked home from school when we were kids but I won’t let my kids today. The world just isn’t safe anymore.”

These are all pieces of various social media discussions I’ve seen in recent weeks—from parents, about parenting.

And I have to start my response to these statements by asking one thing: What are we doing to our kids? How are we preparing them for the great big world of adulthood if we intentionally stunt them as tweens and teens from doing anything by themselves ever?

Answer: we’re not. We’re actually doing them harm and preventing them from developing the crucial life skills they’ll need as they become young adults.

Is the World Outside Safer or More Dangerous for Kids Today?

Let’s talk about the “the world isn’t safe anymore” belief that many parents hold onto—therefore keeping their children under constant watch. It’s actually false. Statistically, children are safer today than they were in past generations.

Multiple sources, including this well-researched article on Let Grow and this one on The Christian Science Monitor have reported that violent crime (including crimes against children) are far lower than they were in the 80s and 90s when we were kids. And they are continuing to drop. In addition, reports of missing children are down 40% since 1997.

Where the Real Dangers Are

Also, the Let Grow article highlights the importance of parents understanding that most often, any danger to their children is from someone their kids already know. That means letting them ride their bike to school or to the gas station for candy or to (gasp!) the public library doesn’t put them in additional danger. In fact, independent experiences like these help them practice vital life skills like road safety and paying attention to their surroundings.

Furthermore, a far greater danger to our kids today (over strangers on the street or books at the library) is their online activity—which means that we, as parents should rejoice when our children are outside, exploring the world, and not staring at a screen. (Plus, bonus! Another harmful trend for today’s youth is obesity, so again, physical movement, fresh air and sunshine is a great recipe for a healthy kid.)

Keeping My Kids Safe, but Letting Them Go

Of course that doesn’t mean we send our children out into the world without the proper tools and guidance to keep them safe. As a parent to two teens and a tween, my children and I still talk about never going anywhere with a person they don’t trust. My 13-year-old loves to ride her bike all over the neighborhood, and my 11-year-old does the same on rollerblades. They both frequent a park that’s about 1/2 mile away on the other side of our subdivision. We discuss various scenarios including what to do if a person pulls up alongside them in a car and tries to talk to them.

Also, my 11-year-old is a obsessed with fishing and I often drop him off at a pond for an hour or two—sometimes with friends, sometimes not. We have talked at great length about how to respond if a stranger says something like, “Come over here—this is a good fishing spot”, etc.

We have a small town park that’s almost always bustling with kids. The best part? The public library is right across the street. That means my kids might hang at the park, pop over to the library, walk a block to the gas station for a snack, and head back to the park all in one day. All good things as far as I’m concerned!

And my 15-year-old is a frequent flyer at various establishments in our small downtown area—the library, gas station, friends’ houses, and the playhouse where he performs in local plays throughout the year. Because we are so busy carting our three kids around, often I can’t get pick him up on time so he’s gotten used to walking from school to the library, the store to grab a snack, or a friend’s house to hang out while he waits.

All of these scenarios involve my kids being on their own, out in the world, without me by their side. They check in to let me know they are safe, but they are responsible for making good choices, looking both ways before they cross the street, managing their money and knowing what they can afford to buy, learning to speak clearly and respectfully to cashiers and other people in public, and sharing their candy with friends after popping into the corner store.

The One Place with No Restrictions: the Library

And no, I don’t monitor every book they check out at the library. The public library is one of the greatest long-standing American institutions we have. It’s a place where kids can escape, get lost in a story, go back in time, travel on epic adventures, and find inspiration to be brave and strong. The thought of restricting children’s access to the magic of the library and all the life-changing literature within its walls is… well, heartbreaking.

I don’t claim to know all the things about parenting, and I have made (and will continue to make) my fair share of mistakes—I know this. But I also know that my job is to help my children strengthen their wings so that someday they can fly off and chase their dreams. If I keep them wrapped in a bubble and under my thumb every second until that day, they won’t be ready. If I don’t allow my teens and tweens any independence, I will negatively impact their well-being. And I will fail them as a parent.

The world is not more dangerous than it was when we were kids—it is actually much safer. The fact that we have a 24-hour news cycle and endless information flying at us all day makes us think that our kids are unsafe when they leave home. Are there still dangers out in the world? Yes, and they’ll be there whether we let our kids have a some autonomy or not during their tween and teenage years.

But the gift of letting them grow up, have some teen independence, and establish their own resilience as they move out of this final phase of childhood? That’s the good stuff of parenting right there.

Are you in the thick of parenting teens and tweens?

Then you should definitely pre-order Whitney Fleming’s new book You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either. For parents, raising adolescents means learning about themselves too―the good, the bad, and the ugly. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship.