10 Important Things Tweens Need from Their Parents Before the Teen Years

This is a contributed post by Michelle Mitchell, author of Tweens, What Kids Need NOW Before the Teen Years

93.5% of parents I surveyed while writing TWEENS answered a big “YES” to being concerned about the upcoming teenage years.

That’s a number you can’t ignore!

One dad I interviewed jokingly said, “If this is any sign of what is to come, I’m moving out.”

Many parents expressed sentiments like, “If this is what 11 is like, what on earth am I in for at 14?”

Parents Need to Think Ahead to Prepare for These Challenging Years

I’d like to share ten insights that I have found particularly interesting when thinking about what tweens need now, before their teenage years. I hope each of these points encourages you to see the pre-teen years between nine and 12 as a transformative time that can switch kids onto their potential and set them on the best possible path before adolescence.

1. Understand Development. The development taking place during the tween years is far bigger than most anticipate. Not only do tweens experience the obvious physical and biological changes associated with puberty, but a whole range of unique cognitive, social, sexual, and emotional changes in the same life-altering way. These changes actually begin “under the bonnet” at about eight years old – long before they grow their first pubic hair. Although we don’t physically see these changes, they have a big impact on our kid’s feelings and behavior.

2. Invest Time Intentionally. Most tweens are keen to embrace every ounce of time and energy parents have to offer. While tiring, I encourage you to prioritize special time with them, as their desire for it will unlikely last forever. Be their sports coach, take them on special dates, teach them new skills, and play with them! As your tween grows, these memories will become increasingly important. Beautifully, childhood memories tend to anchor them and lead them back to the people who love them.

3. Support Mental Health. Some of our kids will recall a slow slide into adolescence, and some will feel like childhood disappeared overnight. Those who are most likely to struggle with their mental health are those who feel out of sync with their peers. Research tells us that the timing and tempo of puberty are strongly linked to well-being. That’s why I want to highlight the importance of accessing additional support if your tween feels overwhelmed.

4. Big Issues, Little People. The world has changed since we were children. We are now talking about big issues like vaping, eating disorders, sexual activity, self-harm, gaming addictions, and bullying being commonplace in primary school. That’s alarming.

One idea I want to firmly reject is that tweens are the new teenagers. THEY ARE NOT. The big difference is that they still have childlike cognition, are open to absorbing your values, and rely on you to lead them.

5. Don’t Minimize Challenges. Many of the comments left by tweens in my survey indicated that “life was harder for them than their parents’ realized”. Huge internal work is being undertaken to master the skills they need for life. It’s during these years that our kids develop more complex reasoning, problem-solving, and deduction skills than they had as a child.

Parents, please remember that what is easy in our world is hard in theirs.

6. Expect Meltdowns. Big, spill-over emotions, comparisons, and sensitivity is typical of this age. One big reason is that they are developing the ability to perspective-take (understanding the minds of others). Validating how big their feelings are while helping them find healthy ways to express them is essential.

Interestingly, some parents have told me that it’s gotten easier as their kids have entered the teenage years because they have developed a better understanding of their feelings.

7. Be the Source. Tweens are curious humans. Their brains’ primary goal is to expand widely. Sadly, the online world gives them ample opportunity to channel their curiosity to unsafe people and places.

I need you to be the source, knowing if you don’t, someone else will. Now is the time to open discussions about the big topics. I’d also like to challenge you with this thought – if they aren’t old enough to have a discussion about pornography, sexuality, unsafe people, bullying (or the like) then perhaps they aren’t old enough to spend time online unsupervised.

8. Keep Building Skills. In my survey, tweens voiced a strong desire to be taken more seriously by the world around them, and not to be overlooked or dismissed because of their age. I noticed they felt like they had significant ideas to share while only being recognized as children. That’s quite a downgrade!

Now is a great time to give them some more grown-up responsibilities, ask their opinion about family matters and offer them choices in the interests they pursue.

9. Expect to Need to Change. Backtalking more than usual, idolizing those older than they are, trading once-loved hobbies for newfound interests, and having a greater appetite for risk-taking are all things you experience when parenting a tween. Once you start to notice these signs, things are on the move. Your tween will be more likely to grow into their own person safely and constructively when you back their journey.

10. Breathe – You’ve Got Time. The tween years are a low-stakes training ground to teach kids the key skills they’ll need in the future. The good news is that for a while longer, they will only look towards adolescence in anticipation. You’ve got time to figure this out.

Like this post? Check out Why Seventh Grade Sucks the Most for Tweens and Their Parents

This post originally appeared on the author’s blog. Michelle Mitchell is the author of Tweens, What Kids Need NOW Before the Teen Years Using the results from her recent survey of more than 2000 parents and tweens, along with interviews with experts, Michelle compassionately guides parents through their children’s friendship issues, mood swings, confidence crises, technology habits, sibling rivalry, body image concerns, and seemingly inexplicable behavior. She provides invaluable practical advice and groundbreaking research from leading organizations to reassure parents that tweens are ready to be switched on to their potential, and every trusted adult in their lives can be a part of that process.