In a mere two days, I will celebrate the honor of giving birth to my firstborn son. He will be fourteen in two days. It hit me today that the number of years until he graduates is a mere four years. That is either a verrrrrrry long Presidential term, or a verrrrrrrry short time in which I have to capitalize on my son living at home. Time is relative, always dependent on the joy, excitement, and pleasure of the subject in which you are measuring… or the dread, anxiety, and sadness for a less-than-desirable outcome.
At this time 14 years ago, I was likely unpacking and re-packing my hospital bag for the twelfth time. I was probably taking awkward weeble-wobble walks around the neighborhood with my Rosie Girl (a young, spry blonde labradoodle that was my actual first baby). After all, the large mound of kicking joy I was carrying in my belly was her baby too! I was most likely drinking tea and eating foods known to get the ball rolling. I never did participate in the much-talked-about ‘what got the baby in will get him out’ method, however. (I only say that because I sat next to a lady at the nail salon earlier this week that loudly pro-claimed her intentions to use this time-honored tradition with her firstborn, in three months’ time). We’ll see… In my experience, it is a bit difficult to muster up the energy to stand up at that point in pregnancy, let alone encounter a wild intimate dance!
I think of all the milestones my firstborn son has green-lighted as he morphed from a pudgy baby sumo wrestler to a precious toddler to a mouthy pre-teenager to the young man that stands nearly six inches taller than me today.
Fourteen: A Milestone Age
Fourteen. How is it even possible? It truly seems like yesterday we brought him home from the hospital. While he was a whopping 9 pounds and 11 ounces (I felt every single ounce), he still looked so tiny and fragile sleeping in that car seat his dad spent hours trying to install correctly.
I recall those early nights. I felt exhausted, yet the adrenaline of having a much-anticipated, prayed-for, precious newborn baby in the house somehow allowed this new momma, who formerly coined sleeping as a top-notch hobby, to awake several times a night and diligently try to succeed at the breast-feeding war between her and her newborn. A newborn who, it seemed, believed in sleep even more than she did. (He much preferred it to eating for those first few weeks).
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Fourteen. It seems so young. Yet, every year that passes, like a raging river nearing a glistening rainbow-filtered waterfall, time continually gains momentum, speeding toward the inevitable milestone adolescents celebrate and parents tearfully acknowledge. That of graduating high school and gingerly flying out of the comfortable nest of home toward their freedom and independence as young adults.
Fourteen. What can I do in the next four years to capitalize on the time we have left, before my oldest son embarks on his own path? In contemplating the next four years, here are four ideas I wanted to record in writing, tattoo on my brain, vow to myself (and my son) that we will do between now and the time he graduates high school. Four Years Away.
Four Ways I Can Connect with My Teenage Son Before He Graduates
1. Take more trips.
I have always heard that one will never regret traveling with your teen. Despite a stretched budget, time away from work and home, the business of everyday life, having to plan, reorganize, and schedule, the gift of travel is priceless—worth whatever extra measure of effort goes into making it a reality. I love to travel. I recall summers spent with my parents on road trips and camping in the mountains of Colorado. My parents didn’t have a lot of money. But they made traveling with their only daughter a priority every year. I desire to someday share those memories between my two sons and me.
Sure, life looks a little different now that I am an single mother, but that doesn’t change my desire to show my sons our little slice of the world and fully invest in spending one/one time with them while we are driving, flying, sightseeing, relaxing, all the fun things that come with having a ‘home away from home’ for a week, weekend, or fraction of time each season. Also, traveling as a single mother is an excellent way to prepare me for the years to come, should one (or both) of my sons decide to move away from home. Truly, traveling is a win on all counts!
2. Dates with my son.
Having two sons only two and a half years apart means that we are in the absolute height of the teenage trauma years! Often, my time is spent refereeing their fights, telling one to allow the other to speak, jetting them around town to countless sports practices and ball games, or shuttling them to friends’ houses because, let’s be honest, their social calendar takes absolute precedence over mine right now. I have found that separating the boys (having one go to their dad’s while I keep the other and vice-versa) is an excellent way to indulge in a momma/son date night.
Sometimes we go out for Chinese. Other times we opt for pizza and a movie at home. It doesn’t really matter what we do, as long as we are spending time together. And I find with both of my sons that when their brother is not around, they are a zillion times more interactive and willing to open up about various topics in ways they normally would not. I enjoy these rare one-on-one occasions so very much and it, too, is good training for when my oldest son graduates, goes to college (or a career) and we have to navigate a more adult relationship with each other.
Related: My Son Stopped Talking During the Teen Years And It Was Tough on Me
3. Enjoy crafty or home projects with my son.
Since my oldest is literally the man of the house, I think inviting him to help with those inevitable ‘honey-do’ projects would benefit not only me, but the future version of him, who will be, I am hopeful, a home-owner and family-man. There is currently a hole in the back of his closet that he thought, for several weeks, I knew nothing about. He put said hole in his closet by punching the wall in anger, in a place he thought I would not explore (I try to stay out of his private space as much as possible). Well, I did find the hole and it was a whole thing, as you might imagine. As a consequence, I made him aware that he will purchase all tools and supplies to patch said hole. He claims he can simply watch a YouTube video and figure it out.
Obviously, I will be there supervising. But why not make it a whole weekend adventure? We could order pizza, get some soda, blast some good tunes in his bedroom, and patch the hole in the wall of his closet. I know this excursion could go one of two ways. We end up angry and barely speaking to each other, or we have a blast and actually plan to delve into future home projects… as a team! I know that the latter will rely heavily on my attitude and patience level, which I vow to continually keep in check in efforts to enjoy a successful home project adventure with my favorite 14-year-old.
4. Indulge in physical exercise.
This guy is a pretty active kid. He plays basketball, baseball, enjoys lifting weights and working out. I, too, enjoy being active, though my physical exertion burns far fewer calories than his 14-year-old, high-metabolism-blessed, perfect young body… complete with a six-pack of abs in which I will never again know. Enjoy it now, son! Just because I don’t play competitive basketball or lift the amount of weight he does, doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy
doing activities together. I can surely take an afternoon to shoot hoops with my boy in the driveway, take him to the gym to swim laps, or simply take a walk/jog around the neighborhood.
I believe physical activity, especially outdoors, is a great way to bond people together. Whether it be a romantic relationship, a neighborhood walking club, or a mother and her 14-year-old son. He tends to open up more when he is engaged in something else. It can be physical activity, playing a video game, or mindlessly watching YouTube shorts—that is when he opens up to me. And rather than try to change the kid and make him communicate the way I do best, why not meet him where he’s at, and glean the greatest blessing of connecting with him in his element?
Son, as you turn 14, please know that my life changed the day you were born. It actually changed nine months prior when I found out you were yet to be born! These past 14 years, I have watched you grow daily, learn by leaps and bounds, find passion for activities and hobbies in which you truly excel, and simply grab hold of life and live with reckless abandon. You are truly an inspiration to me and while it is your day, I feel the utmost honor in being your mom and sharing the celebration of the day in which you were born.
My love always and forever… Happy 14th, dear son.
Looking for an additional resource to help you navigate these tricky teen years?
We recommend Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays on Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World by Whitney Fleming. This book covers the challenging parts of parenting adolescents, such as managing big emotions, navigating school and social issues, and learning to let go, but also the beautiful things simultaneously occurring, like watching them find their passions, take charge of their newfound independence, and move on to the next chapter.
Parenting teenagers is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
My Pre-Teen Son Is the One With All the Powerful Emotions
There’s Nothing More Powerful Than A Teen Son’s Unexpected Hug
Teenage Boys Are Just Like their Newborn Baby Selves
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