Recently my daughter came sliding into the kitchen yelling, “Ta-da!”
I spun around and saw my middle school daughter in quite the ensemble. Normally understated in black athletic pants and a t-shirt, the petite girl in front of me wore head-to-toe purple. The piece de resistance was a purple, white, and black zebra print scarf wrapped loosely around her head as a makeshift headband.
“Whoa,” I said too quickly. “Are you wearing the scarf like that?”
“Yeah, I think I look awesome,” she replied. “I saw a girl do it on YouTube.”
“Um, I don’t think it looks, um, right,” I stammered, treading cautiously. “And that’s a lot of different colors of purple. Maybe that shirt would go better with jeans?”
“I knew you wouldn’t like it,” she huffed, turning around and stomping out of the room.
I wanted to shout, “Wait, I was wrong! It looks beautiful! You are beautiful!” But the truth was, she looked ridiculous.
Related: Raising My Strong Willed Teen Girl Hasn’t Been Easy, But I Hope She Never Changes
It’s a tightrope when managing your tween daughter’s confidence
On the one hand, we don’t want to diminish their self-esteem or self-worth by commenting negatively about their appearance. On the other, we want to be honest with our kids and help them make good choices.
Raising courageous, confident girls is hard.
Women face an onslaught of images every day telling us we’re inadequate, and Photoshop warps our perception of “normal.” It is easy to feel our thighs are too big, our breasts are too small, our nose is too wide, or our hair is too curly.
We lose our authentic selves striving to fit in, but very few of us ever fit the mold. We feel like failures. For many young girls, this starts in middle school.
As the mom to three daughters, I carefully select my words and focus on the good. Boosting my daughters’ self-esteem is my number one priority. I want to innoculate them from the onslaught of criticism they will hear and feel from the outside world.
I try to role model a positive mindset and rarely discuss my own physical insecurities. I excessively compliment their achievements, minds, and yes, even appearance. So, when they face the negative, they hear my voice in their heads, cheering them on. I encourage them to say positive affirmations, exercise, eat well, and practice self-care.
But, I don’t want to tell my girls only what they want to hear.
As moms, we all want our daughters to feel empowered and accepted, but self-confidence is more than receiving compliments. Our girls need to know how to fail and get back up, learn from the experience, and continue on to build resilience. Also, accepting and managing criticism, whether constructive or malicious, is an important life skill. (You may also like to read: 10 Life Skills You Should Start Working on With Your Middle Schooler Today.)
Yet, too often, we feel caught between the desire for honesty and our motherly instincts to protect our girls from pain, whether from us or someone else.
We need to figure out how to build up our girls’ self-esteem while developing open, honest relationships with them.
But how do we do this?
7 Ways We Can Raise Girls Who Believe in Themselves
1. Use the Girlfriend Code
Whenever I get in a sticky situation with one of my girls regarding their hair, clothing, or appearance, I refer to the “Girlfriend Code.” I shared with them that you only use it in extreme circumstances. It states that when your girlfriend is wearing something so bad that she may embarrass herself, you tell her. Or, maybe she has spinach in her teeth, a tag on her shirt, or her bra is sticking out. You tell her because you love her, not because you want to hurt her–but you do it with kindness and respect, not to humiliate or embarrass her.
This means that as parents, we also have to bite our lips quite a bit. I decided to overlook the sequined beret one of my daughters decided to wear with her shorts one day, and I didn’t say a word about the make-shift bump-it hairstyle my daughter was so proud of, and I even told her she looked gorgeous when a friend did her 80s-inspired makeup, blue eyeshadow and all. But when it counts, my daughters now listen and know I’m not knocking them down.
2. Work with your daughter to be media-savvy
Images are everywhere, EVERYWHERE, nowadays. We used to see supermodels only on the covers of magazines in the grocery store checkout aisles, but our girls are barraged with pictures 24/7 on social media and the internet. Talking with your daughter about what you see without being critical of other women is important.
Show her the power of Photoshop and filters on imaging software. Talk about the big budgets for clothing, hair, and makeup on television and movie sets. Watch shows that empower women and discuss the qualities that make these positive female role models so powerful. In the digital age, building your daughter up without tearing others down is crucial if we want to raise self-assured young women.
Related: Snapchat—Why Kids Love It And What Parents Need to Know
3. Focus on growing her passions
As young girls enter their teen years, they often start to lose their authenticity. Encourage your daughter to participate in activities that build self-confidence and push them outside her comfort zone a bit. Sports, theater, music, art, scouts, and philanthropic causes are great opportunities for girls to express themselves beyond their appearance and realize that their value and self-worth come from their inner passions and the ways they can impact the world. Also, remember to praise your daughter’s efforts, not only her performance.
4. Don’t pick apart other women (especially about their appearance)
Some women feel their best when they look their best, and that’s okay. But in today’s world, we know that beauty does not always equate to happiness. There are gorgeous women stuck in abusive relationships, constant victims of sexual harassment or passed over because they are not taken seriously. These are the real problems against women – all women.
We need to disconnect the link between a woman’s appearance and her intelligence or abilities, and it starts with the way we talk about women in front of our daughters. And if we can’t lift each other up, perhaps we can disparage each other a little less.
5. Teach life skills
Knowing basic life skills helps instill confidence, so raising strong daughters means teaching them problem-solving skills like how to put together furniture or change a tire. Instead of waiting for your husband to come home to complete a task, such as hanging a picture or changing out that furnace filter, ask your daughter to help you. Make sure she knows how to cook a few great meals and where to get the best oil change. Don’t let gender stereotypes get in the way of your daughter learning new skills that will prepare her for the real world.
These lessons will show her that she can rely on herself, which will leave her feeling empowered.
6. Be the change you want in your daughter
The best way to boost your middle school daughter’s self-confidence, is to boost your own. Before uttering the phrase “Ugh, I look fat in these pants” or “I can’t eat carbs because of the cellulite on my thighs” ask if you would want your daughter to say these words. Focus on your health and model good habits. Bond over walks or grocery shopping. Take a yoga class together. Splurge on something sweet sometimes and show her what portion control is in another. She is watching and her sense of self-worth will be impacted by the way you talk about yourself.
7. Love her unconditionally
Your opinion matters to her, even when she swears it doesn’t. She needs a place to feel loved and safe, so when the rest of the world pushes her down, she doesn’t stay there. So yes, when she tries out pink hair or funky clothes or doesn’t care about her appearance at all, just love her through it. Even confident women need support and a soft place to land at times. But know you have her back will give her the boost she needs to face adversity in life.
She is listening and watching all the time — especially when you’re not looking.
Related: 10 Common Problems Middle School Girls Face (And How Parents Can Help)
Are you looking for more encouragement for raising your teens and tweens?
Check out this book, Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love, by the owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens, Whitney Fleming. The book contains 55 relatable essays about raising tweens and teens in today’s modern and chaotic world.
Parenting teens is a hard job, but you’re not alone. Here are some other posts parents have found helpful:
Eating Disorders Are on the Rise: Five Important Things Parents Need to Know
This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers
Raising an Independent Teen? Some Kids Were Just Born to Let Go
*This post may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission for purchases made from our site.
Leave a Comment