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It’s not that I was surprised when I received the text message from my daughter.
“I don’t want to talk about it, but the rumor was true. She told me.”
My daughter spent most of her high school years in a friend group that I did not like. They were members of her sports team, who she saw daily for most of the year and summer.
I tried to give them a chance. My husband and I opened our home so they could hang out in our basement. We drove carpools. We hosted dinners and encouraged and always tried to be kind and loving. We did this because we know the teen years can be hard, and not every kid has good role models on how to treat others.
But that didn’t mean we liked the way her friends behaved. I mean, they were polite to our faces, but we noticed how they often excluded others. We saw with our own eyes how they didn’t open their circle. We heard some undercutting remarks and passive-aggressive comments.
There was always conflict, and most of it stemmed from my daughter’s “best friend.”
It is a balancing act when you don’t like your teen’s friends
We tried to use the situation as a learning opportunity. We talked to our daughter about what a good friendship looked like. We discussed her self-esteem. We tried to build a strong sense of self. We encouraged her to branch out and meet new people. We reminded her that she was accountable for her actions, no matter what her friends did.
But for four very long years, we endured a lot of drama with this group of kids.
We’re not sure if it was our daughter’s underlying insecurity and mild social anxiety that caused her to stay firmly planted in this group. Looking back, I think her heart truly wanted to believe that they were good people and cared for her. She’s also told me that trying to find a new group of friends felt hard. But mostly, I think it was bad luck that the sports team she loved was filled with some seriously bad eggs that had a lot of growing up to do.
Related: It’s Hard When You Don’t Like Your Teen’s Friends–Here’s How to Handle It
The truth is, there was so much drama the summer before she left for college that I almost couldn’t wait for her to leave–not because I wanted to let her go, but so she could free herself from the shackles of this toxic friendship.
To complicate the situation, she began dating a boy in the group at the start of her junior year. In addition to her friends not being incredibly supportive, we found this young man to be selfish and immature. There were so many red flags I wish my daughter would have shared or addressed, but as with many young people, sometimes they need to learn by putting their hands directly on the hot stove.
Before you roll your eyes and think I’m blaming others, I believe my daughter was culpable in these relationships. She is not the best communicator and often said nothing when she was very upset. She will avoid conflict at all costs. And sometimes, her sarcasm can land with a bite that many don’t appreciate.
But knowing what I know still didn’t prepare me for how I would feel when she was openly betrayed by her best friend and boyfriend.
It is challenging to separate your feelings from your teenagers
My daughter suspected something was happening between her boyfriend and her best friend in the latter part of her senior year. They started hanging out at times with another couple and would “accidentally” forget to text her when they were out.
She excused the behavior by telling us that this foursome had been friends for years before she started dating her boyfriend, or she was focused more on her studies, or she didn’t respond in time to a text message. It was painful to watch, but as parents we simply tried to point out that this was not what good friendships or relationships looked like. We tried to walk the line of encouraging our daughter to see certain behaviors for what they were while not belittling or ostracizing her friends.
It was so hard to bite our tongues, but keeping the communication lines open between my daughter and I was what was most important to me.
A few weeks before she left for college, after prom, graduation parties, and summer get-togethers, my daughter came into my room to tell me that she had ended it with her boyfriend. The breakup did not go well. He was stressed about leaving for school himself, and begged her to try and stay together. He said he felt alone now that all their friends were leaving. He said he didn’t appreciate her enough. He said he wanted to change.
She almost relented, but to her credit, she held strong. A few days before she left, she received a text from a friend letting her know that her now ex-boyfriend and her best friend had been fooling around together for most of senior year. The friend was not in her group but had found out about it, and felt she deserved to know.
It took my daughter a day to piece together what happened, and it was the ultimate betrayal.
How a parent handles their teen’s conflicts matters
When my father passed away after a long illness, I still felt shock. I knew he was dying. In fact, I knew he only had a few days to live, yet his actual death rocked me to my core.
Not to be overly dramatic, but there was a similarity to the pain I felt when my daughter shared the story with me. I was not surprised by these events, but the mourning of this event, the acknowledgment of the loss, felt the same.
I mean, betrayal is a loss of sorts. There is the loss of a relationship, in this case two. There is a loss of trust. There is a loss of ritual and routine you may have had. There is a loss of confidence.
Their transgressions happened for months, and many knew about it. There were times they lied to her face. There were times it was happenstance. But it was always done without regard to my daughter.
As I sat up with her late into the night, her emotions came in waves. Rage, humiliation, sadness, frustration, shame, despair, disappointment, insecurity, grief.
I felt many of these same feelings for her, and it was tough to keep my Mama Bear instincts at bay. After she finally went to sleep, I walked my dog around my block in the early hours of dawn. I role-played what I would like to say to these kids. I imagined what I would say if I ran into their parents. I admonished myself for not intervening earlier and insisting my daughter find new friends to hang out with. I wrecked myself with guilt for not protecting her.
We need to take our cues from our teens
The next morning, my daughter came downstairs, her eyes swollen and hair matted to the side of her face. As she poured cereal into her favorite bowl, she said to me without looking up, “You know, they really did me a favor. Now I can head to school with a clean slate. No distractions, no looking back.”
And I swear I almost dropped my coffee mug right on the floor. I was so full of rage and angst and rage and sadness and rage for her, and she wrapped the situation up neatly and even figured out how to put a bow on top.
We talked about it a few times more. I shared a similar experience I had in college, she told me her regrets. We both cried a little bit more.
Even though I’m a year out from that event, it still makes me sad now. I’m sad that my daughter’s entire high school experience was defined by people who did not seem to care about her, and her first romantic experience was tarnished by betrayal.
But I’m also grateful. She went into college with such an open heart to new people and experiences that she blossomed in a short time. She met people who light her up on the inside and pull her up when she needs lifting. And yes, she even met a new young man who treats her with kindness and compassion–and calls her out when she needs it.
We’ve talked about setting boundaries and easing into trust.
As for me, I’m still learning how to separate my emotions from my kids. Sometimes when I think about it, I still imagine a cutting barb I would like to deliver. But then I remember how much my daughter grew from the experience. And even though it was incredibly painful to watch, I wouldn’t trade it for the strength and self-worth she’s developed.
The thing is that none of us wish such “lessons” on our children. At the same time, we’d rather them experience it while under our care so we can help them through the experience.
Growing up is hard–on both the teen’s and the parents.
Five Ways to Help Your Teen through Heartbreak
It can be hard to help a teen through a broken heart, but there are a few things every parent can do to help your child come out stronger on the other side.
1. Offer space
Now this one is hard, since all we really want to do as parents is hear how our kids are feeling so we can make the situation better. But remember, it is not our job to rescue right now. Instead, we need to offer a support system, which often requires stepping aside and waiting until our teen is ready to share.
It’s hard if they aren’t talking, or worse, we don’t know what really happened, but we owe it to our teenagers to give them the time to invest in themselves.
It may be spending time alone in their room, going out with friends, or choosing not to talk about the breakup.
The room for space allows them to reflect, move forward, and learn from the heartache. So as difficult as it can be, it’s our job to simply stand off to the side while letting our teen grow from the experience.
If you feel helpless, instead of asking a lot of questions, try to create opportunities for your teen to focus on their mental health. Young people need to be taught self-care, so it’s a good time to encourage them to take some breaks from social media, eat right, exercise, etc.
Related: 20 Effective (And Fun!) Ways Your Teen Can Practice Self-Care
We are not suggesting that you nag your sad teen into doing these things, but instead, offering them up as suggestions or opportunities for them to take part. For example, pack your teen a special healthy lunch if they normally put their own together, or ask if they will take the dog for a walk even if that’s not their usual responsibility.
The end goal is to get your teen to figure out what makes them feel better, whether that’s endorphins from exercise, a good cry while talking about it, or self-reflection.
Note: If your teenager went through a particularly bad breakup or seems to be questioning their self-worth, be sure to keep an eye out for signs of depression, self-harm, or other related issues. A teen’s first breakup can be especially difficult, but it can also be a great learning experience on how to get through a difficult time, seek out support, and utilize healthy coping mechanisms.
And remember, take all threats of self-harm and teen suicide seriously. If you do not feel you have the expertise, you should contact a trained mental health therapist or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
2. Take their mind off of their teen heartbreak
High school relationships and breakups can be hard because that person is often still around you all the time. It can be hard to move on when you see the person who broke your heart every single day.
Sometimes the best medicine may be a simple car ride to grab some ice cream, a family movie night with their siblings or a quiet walk in the neighborhood.
When one of my teens struggles and possibly spends too much time alone, I will always ask if they would like to join me in some activity. They often decline, but in this scenario, sometimes keeping a simple distraction on hand may do the trick to mend their heart in the short-term.
You never know, so just ask. It always feels good to be wanted, even if it’s just by your parents.
3. Validate your teen’s feelings
This one is a biggie! This is not the time to share how you didn’t like your teen’s boyfriend/ girlfriend and it’s also not the time to share what you thought was wrong in the relationship.
Instead, this is a time to validate and let your teen feel heard. Often validation leads to further communication and a deeper level of trust and understanding. When we validate as parents, our teens pick up on the message we are saying.
Some forms of validation in this situation could be saying,
“I hear you. It is so difficult.”
“I get it and this isn’t something easy to go through.”
“I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, it must be so hard.”
And most importantly, ending with, “ I’m here for you, supporting you, and will try my best to walk through this with you. Just let me know what you need from me.”
To hear words of validation during a tumultuous time is music to their broken heart. So validate and then validate some more.
4. Be available to let your teen vent
If you are making dinner, stop!
If you are about to run out of the house, slow down and pause!
If your eyes are half-closed as you dream of a good night’s sleep, wake up!
It is imperative to be readily available to offer support and this means taking a pause to stop whatever you are doing to be there for your teenager.
Our teen doesn’t need someone half-listening as we sauté onions, or looking at the clock counting down the minutes until they need to leave, or a parent who doesn’t prop themselves up in bed despite being exhausted.
During this time, they need a parent who is willing to stop and listen at any moment to give them the support they need.
Yes, it may be inconvenient, but we have to keep in mind that their heart is aching and we need to let them take the time to talk through it as little or as long as they need.
So when our teen musters up the strength to vent, just remember, stop whatever you are doing and give them your full atention.
Then listen.
Your teen won’t soon forget that you were the one who was there for them when they needed it most.
5. Lots of TLC and extra hugs
Who doesn’t need extra TLC when trying to get over a broken heart.
Your teen may be feeling embarrassed and not wanting to face their peers. They may feel disappointed in the way the other person handled the situation or hurt by the entire situation. They may feel like their entire world has ended and have good days and bad days.
This is the time to give your teen a lot of grace and a lot of TLC.
Cook their favorite dinner or run an errand they need to accomplish. Take it easy on the chores. Try to reserve judgment on how they are handling the situation (remember, what we see as something minor can be a really big deal to a teenager.)
And if they’ll take it, there’s nothing better than a hug from mom or dad.
Are you looking for more resources for helping your daughter navigate relationships? Check out: I’ll Be There (And Let’s Make Friendship Bracelets): A Girl’s Guide to Making and Keeping Real-Life Friendships
Raising teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These popular posts may help:
Use This Question to Help Your Teen Grow Through Hard Times
Here’s How to Help Your Teen Move on From Their First Heartbreak
This Is Why We Have to Let Our Teens Deal With Disappointment
The Common Mistakes Teenagers Make and Why Parents Need To Let Them Make Them
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