Inside this post: It’s hard when you don’t like your teen’s friends, but that doesn’t mean they are the bad influence. Here are ten parenting tips for when you think your teen is hanging around with the wrong crowd.
There is nothing harder for a parent of teens than when you don’t like one of your child’s friends.
When that spidey-sense starts going off and you see your teenager start changing their behavior, it’s a tough thing for any parent to manage.
The old adage, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future,” often rings true in these teen years when friends are the greatest influence on our big kids.
And as parents, we have good reason to worry. We know that our teenagers’ brains are still developing, decision-making skills are not strong, and peer pressure runs rampant. We have to find the balance in letting our kids learn from making mistakes and keeping them safe.
How you handle and communicate with your teenager when you don’t like their friends can have long-term consequences.
When our teens hang out with individuals who seem to have a negative influence on them, it’s tough to know what to do next. It may end up blowing over, not causing much more than a ripple in their life or well-being. Other times, however, these new friends end up acting like a hurricane.
It’s easy to see the warning signs. Your strong student’s grades may start to take a nose-dive or their attitude turns smug overnight. You may suspect that they are experimenting with drugs or smell smoke on their clothes. You may catch them in lies or notice that they are suddenly defensive at every turn.
These signs can all feel unsettling to parents—so much that they are willing to try anything to wake their teen up—and out of the hurricane back onto solid ground.
But as we know with teens, it can be a tricky tango. Because when it comes down to it, we certainly don’t want to make things worse and push our kids farther away from us.
So, what’s a parent to do when they don’t like their teen’s friends?
First, we need to make sure that we are not blaming our teen’s behavior only on their peers. Teens often make bad choices in the heat of the moment or to fit in socially, but ongoing changes may be the result of something else going on with your child.
Second, we have to keep in mind that teens want to feel like they belong, so they seek out others who accept them, and then they may adopt the same behaviors, tastes in music, fashion choices, etc.
Third, we need to have ongoing conversations with our teenagers about expectations and what we think friendship should look like.
Related: My Teen Daughter Was Betrayed by Her Best Friend And It Hurt Us Both
Finally, we need to keep in mind that some teens prefer that their parents don’t approve of their friends and wear it as a badge of honor.
This means it is challenging to negotiate this tricky situation with our teens, and we have to pick our battles wisely. Here are some tips to help you navigate this challenging terrain.
Ten Tips for Parents When Your Teen Is Hanging with the Wrong Crowd
AVOID BEING JUDGMENTAL
While our number one goal is to protect our kids, we need to remember not to rush to judgment on our teen’s friendships. Perhaps a group of new friends may seem like a bad influence, but in reality, they’re harmless. The poor grades and fowl attitude could possibly stem from your teen’s own issues or something else going on at school. Or, your child may be acting out of compassion because they think another child is being treated unfairly.
Before blaming your child’s friends, make sure you assess the situation holistically and keep a clear view of your teen’s strengths and weaknesses.
DON’T CONSTANTLY BAD MOUTH THEIR FRIENDS
If you know for a fact that your teen’s friends are a bad influence, try to avoid being too vocal about them–and don’t make it personal. This kind of negativity may only add fuel to the fire. Because peer relationships are so important in adolescence, most teens will immediately seek to defend their friends. Additionally, when you only see the worst in your child’s friendships, it may reinforce that you don’t understand what they are going through during these years.
For example, you may not have realized that your teen was sitting by themself at lunch and was relieved to finally have someone to connect with during this time. Or, they may identify with this new group for a specific reason and finally feel like they belong.
When parents spew criticisms of their friends, the child feels like the parents are criticizing them, too. This approach could backfire and further cement the new relationship.
If you feel you must address their friend set, make clear statements that are as fact-based as possible: “I know that Joe is nice to you, but I don’t like that he and his friends regularly vape. It is not something I want you to do, and I know that the more opportunities you have to participate, the harder it is to say no.”
IT STARTS IN THE HOME
If you’re having doubts about your teenager’s friend group, the best way to assess the situation is with your own eyes and ears. Be the house that always has a stocked cupboard full of teenage snacks, cook a giant pot of spaghetti, let them have a space that is inviting, and open up a conversation with them. Instead of trying to shut them out, try inviting them in. You may find that they’re much better friends for your teen than you thought.
Some teens don’t feel comfortable having their friends over, and it may not have anything to do with bad behavior. One of the downsides of technology is that teens are always texting to coordinate plans or message from the car that they are ready to go. At the minimum, insist that your teen’s friends come to the door upon arrival if even for a brief hello. It is not out of bounds to put a name with a face.
KINDESS COUNTS
If you have a feeling your teen’s friends aren’t treating them kindly or using them for a specific purpose (they have a car or extra money from their job), have a chat with them about what makes a good friend, and talk to them about how to identify a toxic friendship.
Maybe ask, “So, why do you like hanging out with Molly?” Or “What do you two have in common?” These types of questions simply open up the lines of communication instead of being filled with assumptions and accusatory language—something we know will only backfire with teens. An added bonus is these sorts of questions may get your teenager thinking about their new friendship as well—and eventually, acting on it.
Keep in mind, however, that some teens are desperate to feel like part of the group–and will do almost anything to fit in with their peers. A good strategy is to keep modeling and discussing what a good friendship looks like and encourage your teen to participate in a wide variety of social situations and school activities.
Additionally, keep trying to build up your teen’s self-confidence by encouraging them to participate in activities that make them feel good about themselves. Sometimes a kid just needs to be reminded about what makes them feel happy and confident.
FOCUS ON YOUR CHILD’S ACTIONS
Make your teen’s behavior about that only. After all, they’re the ones making the choices and need to be held accountable. Therefore, if you attack their friends and don’t emphasize the wrong action, they may be missing the point.
There is a difference between being critical about such things as fashion and music choices, and participating in risky behavior. It’s important to keep in mind that your teen may see their friends as loyal, understanding, and kind—so you need to separate the actions from the people so your child will hear you.
GET TO KNOW OTHER PARENTS
When I was a teen, I think this was my mom’s superpower. She always got to know my friend’s parents. Whether it was at an athletic event or even on the phone, she made the attempt to get to know the families I was hanging out with outside of our home.
She also was very clear to them about what I was allowed and not allowed to do. This way, she shared common ground with other parents while also emphasizing what her expectations were of me.
Of course, most teenagers find this mortifying and you will receive complaints from your child. This is a good time for a reminder that your job as a parent is to keep them safe and guide them with supervision, not be their friend.
Related: 8 Ways to Help Your Middle Schooler Develop Healthy Friendships
KEEP FAMILY LIFE A PRIORITY
Even the best of teen friendships can still be complicated and experience some drama. Make sure your adolescent has some time to feel safe and accepted in their own home without having to defend their new group of friends. Strong familial relationships and a belief that parents (and siblings) will love them no matter what is the best way to help your teenager get through a rocky path.
SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS
Creating clear boundaries for teens is important. They do not act like it, but teens actually want boundaries. It helps them know what is and isn’t okay with you, and more importantly, it gives them an excuse to get out of sticky situations.
While you don’t want to create a rule-heavy home, it’s vital they know where you stand on certain actions. So, if curfews and a zero-tolerance for experimentation are imperative in your home, that should be clear, because a gray area could lead to poor decision making.
DEMONSTRATE VULNERABILITY
Opening the communication line is probably the greatest action you can have with a teenager. But often, this can feel difficult for them. So, one way to help crack that stubborn door open is by sharing yourself. It can feel liberating to divulge your own experiences from when you were a teen—perhaps sharing how you navigated your own peer group that didn’t feel right at the time. Your teen can connect with you on this deeper level because they may be able to relate to a time when you didn’t like your friends’ behavior or when you didn’t make good decisions. Understanding that you have a shared perspective can be a powerful tool in managing your teen’s behavior.
You can also bare your soul when it comes to your fears as a parent. They can grow to understand that you value them as a person while also growing concerned for their well-being.
Additionally, don’t forget to remind your teen that you believe they are a good kid. Sometimes we get so concerned with the negative that we forget to see the growth that comes out of new friendships as well.
A THERAPIST IS NEVER A BAD IDEA
Sometimes teenagers make bad choices and sometimes they just want to experiment. When reckless behavior is becoming a habit, though, it might be time to seek outside help from a psychologist or mental health therapist.
While it is possible that your teenager may be in with the wrong crowd, it’s also possible they are navigating a mental health issue such as depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, etc. As parents, we need to make sure we are focusing on the why of certain behaviors so we can address those issues.
Helping your teen navigate groups of friends can be tricky. Overall, try to be as inviting as you can while also keeping those communication lines open.
We like this book, How to Talk to Your Teen about Anything, to help with these challenging issues. They want independence but need to know you’re there. They need guidance, but they don’t want advice. They’ll chat with their friends, but not with you. Breaking the wall of silence with your teen can sometimes be difficult, but it’s possible to find connection and have really good talks when you know how.
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Raising teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Here are posts other parents found helpful:
Dear Son, Here are 25 Truths We Want You to Know
How To Best Support Your Teens When They Need It Most
Middle School, The Hardest Years of Your Life As A Mom (So Far)
Ginny says
How do you handle a teenager who is defiant even when you try all these things? Especially, when they keep going back to the drugs and vaping. She is also, seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist .